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Hard Digest November 27: Thanksgiving Primer and More
Added 2024-11-28 01:00:07 +0000 UTCJigsaw Horrified After Thanksgiving Guests Devour Turducken He Prepared to Punish Their Gluttony
By Matt Husser
HORNERSTOWN, N.J. — Serial killer and torture pioneer Jigsaw was reportedly left horrified today after his unwilling Thanksgiving guests quickly devoured a massive turducken he had prepared to punish their gluttony, police sources confirmed.
“You have used the tainted holiday of Thanksgiving to excuse your gluttonous behavior while others starve with nothing. Your insatiable greed has led you here, and to survive, you must devour your way to salvation. But if you fail, you’ll be torn in two like a wishbone, spilling your sins over the—hey, what the fuck, how did they already eat the entire turducken?” said a disgusted Jigsaw, wearing a pilgrim hat while watching the ravenous display on a CCTV monitor. “It took me two days to prepare that massive thing, and they already stuffed their fat faces with it before I even finished my speech. Jesus Christ, I put a shitload of razor blades in there and it didn’t even slow them down!”
Thanksgiving hostage Bill Myers recounted his terrifying tale of survival from Jigsaw’s latest devious trap.
“I’m just so grateful to be out of there, that was the most excruciating experience of my life—I mean what kind of psychopath only serves three kinds of pie at Thanksgiving? And one of them was mincemeat, that sick fuck,” said Myers, picking his teeth with a dirty syringe. “Not to mention the turducken was dry and he put raisins in the stuffing. I guess if his elaborate torture scheme was to starve us with a subpar spread then mission accomplished. At least that other guy had a hacksaw, I wish I could have sawed my foot off and escaped to get a couple of buckets of chicken at KFC.”
After freeing the hostages from their Thanksgiving trap, Detective Paul Briggs found himself snared in a Christmas-themed torture game despite it honestly being a little too early to celebrate the festive season.
“Oh come on, Jigsaw. It’s not even December yet, you couldn’t wait another week to break out the Christmas-themed torture traps?” asked Detective Briggs, reading a task commanding him to untangle a mess of Christmas lights strung together on razor wire with his bare hands. “You have an entire month to dip people in boiling vats of egg nog or shove sharpened candy canes in their eyes. Can’t you at least wait until we’ve digested Thanksgiving dinner before you guilt trip us about not visiting our families for the holidays or whatever preachy shit this game is all about? Honestly, I get less of a guilt trip from the Salvation Army Santa outside Target.”
At press time, Jigsaw was scouring the city trying to find victims for his New Year’s Eve-themed trap that hadn’t already blown all their fingers off in fireworks accidents.
Thanksgiving Miracle: When No One in This Punk House Knew How to Cook a Turkey, They Just Got Fucked Up Instead
By Nathan Kamal
The holidays are a difficult time for many people, but especially for losers who no one loves or even thinks about. For a lot of people, making a whole Thanksgiving spread is a stressful and difficult experience and if you’re a member of a punk house with three overdue gas bills stuffed under a couch cushion, it can feel downright impossible.
But fortunately for our hope for the human race, a Thanksgiving miracle has occurred! When the members of Squirrel Gut Ripper, a Chicago landmark of griminess and unpleasant roommate interactions, realized no one in the house knew how to cook a turkey, they all just decided to get fucked up together.
Wow. We may live in a new dark age, but it’s good to know that even in uncertain times, people of the same subculture can get together, fail to do a communal activity, engage in some passive-aggression, and get falling-down drunk off Olde English 800.
According to sources with more stable living environments, the various members of Squirrel Gut Ripper, many of whom look vaguely familiar to each other, all assumed that someone else in the house would know how to prepare a roast turkey from scratch and could contribute some kind of holiday nostalgia for the house. Tough luck, shitheads! It turns out that none of you even know where to actually buy a turkey, let alone turn an oven on.
However, when times got hard, the denizens of Squirrel Gut Ripper didn’t turn their backs on the spirt of Thanksgiving, except for Dandruff Dan, who’s a fucking dick anyway. Instead, they argued about whose job it was to clean the three-week-old dishes in the sink and cracked a case of 8 Ball so they could blunt the stench of the rancid squalor they live in long enough to have some kind of communal feeling!
It really makes you think.
And we admit that it wasn’t all that miraculous that Jeff and Holly Molly got in a fight after he suggested that they could maybe find some potatoes to mash or something and sort of implied that she could cook for the house, but we’re just going to ignore that for now, which is usually what everyone does with Jeff anyway.
But just as the Pilgrims and Native Americans could get together for the first Thanksgiving and not commit genocide for a single Thursday afternoon, Squirrel Gut Ripper managed to pull off a holiday feat and get everyone tanked enough that they passed out before anyone could get sad about how much they miss actually having a family that cared about them.
And if that’s not the true spirit of Thanksgiving, what is?
Metalhead Family Thanksgiving Argument About Whether or Not “Djent” is an Actual Genre
By Mimi Kenny
BOULDER, Colo. — An explosive dispute over genre semantics broke out at the Thanksgiving dinner of the three-generation metalhead Reeder family regarding the disputed progressive metal subgenre known as “djent,” several sources with tinnitus reported.
“For once, Thanksgiving was going great,” middle son Zakk Reeder said. “Then, ‘Bleed’ came up on shuffle, and Dad had to use the ‘D-word’ in front of Uncle Len. And of course, he flips his shit and goes into this whole rant about how djent isn’t a genre; it’s just a stupid made-up word used by people who like Meshuggah too much. Honestly, it could’ve gotten really ugly if Mom hadn’t thought to change the music to the Blood Incantation space ambient album.”
Patriarch Earl Reeder aggressively defended his use of the term, blaming his brother’s outburst on deep-seated insecurity from an unsuccessful foray into learning “the djent way.”
“Len is just pissy because he can’t palm mute for more than two bars at a time, and he knows it, to say nothing of his absolutely pathetic grasp on polyrhythms.” Reeder said. “For fuck’s sake, I didn’t get this mad at dinner back in 1995 when he said that ‘death ‘n’ roll’ was going to rule the new millennium. I’m just glad Mom and Dad aren’t here to see this. They’re in Denver seeing Tesseract. And by all reports, it’s ‘sick as hell.’”
Metal sociologist Dr. Catherine Fields says that these disputes are not entirely uncommon among this demographic, regardless of age.
“While it’s true that families of this sort tend to have more harmonious Thanksgivings then, say, the ones who send their kids to private school, it only takes one perceived unjust genre classification to turn everything upside down,” Dr. Fields said. “And pretty soon, everyone is riled up and citing arguments from message board threads that are over 20 years old at this point. Now, djent is by far the most represented in the scenarios, but I’ve also heard plenty of similar cases regarding the use of pornogrind, neocrust, and countless, countless others.”
At press time, sources confirmed the Reeders’ altercation was disrupted by one at the adjoining apartment over whether or not Depeche Mode “counts as goth.”
How to Create an Airtight Excuse to Miss Thanksgiving by Getting Attacked by the TSA Dogs
So, you don’t want to fly home for Thanksgiving but need to avoid the Greek tragedy level guilt trip you’ll receive from your mother if you simply decline. Maybe you’re scared you’ll flip the cranberry sauce and stuffing if talks become political, or maybe you’re just staying away from run-of-the-mill toxic family dynamics. If you’ve said “I’d rather get my ass bit by a Labrador in a vest than get on a plane for that shit,” we’ve got the guide for you. Here is our foolproof way to get attacked by the TSA dogs.
Ideally, you’ll just want to get a little nibble caused by a clear misunderstanding. This will give you all the evidence required without adding to your criminal record. For this, you’ll want to line your pants with cured meats. If you get lucky, this will be enough and a newbie dog will bite your tasty legs right then and there. You have to remember these are highly-trained dogs, so you might not be able to get it to notice your meat trap right away. There is a simple fix for that. Simply walk up to the TSA agent with the dog, tell them “You look exactly like a guy I went to school with who got accused of setting a Taco Bell on fire,” and while the agent is distracted you shove your meaty thigh violently in the dogs face, the dog won’t be able to resist.
If you’re serious about not being called a commie while eating a meal celebrating colonization, you’re going to need backups. Next, you’re going to want to act erratic. Babble, yell at some people, threaten to take your dick out, actually take your dick out. This will cause TSA to come over. These are not attack dogs, so you will need to subtly provoke the dog into attacking you. Your best bet? Start violently jerking around and reaching for the dogs genitals, it will instinctively latch onto your arm, and after being treated by an airport EMT and a standard detention process you will be released and free to go home to watch Netflix by yourself.
But even this may not be enough for the most well-trained canine. This is where you break out the airport security sign bingo card. You know the one. The dogs are trained to smell all these items. I’ve found a combo of 3 is the sweet spot. You could go weed, gun, lighter. Maybe biohazards, gasoline, knife. Poison, matches, bomb is a personal favorite. Don’t be afraid to get creative. There’s no reason you can’t have a little fun with it. Don’t worry, though. You will get bit.
Just remember, a little blood and some torn muscles are worth it. You’ll be spending your Thanksgiving thanking me in no time. Happy Holidays.
Jaguar Rebrands to Appeal to Young, Gender-Fluid Drivers Who Refuse to Use Turn Signals
By Ben Friedman
Luxury car manufacturer Jaguar unveiled a new look in hopes of expanding their appeal to the tiny percentage of people who identify as gender-fluid Gen Z drivers who recklessly change lanes without looking, confirmed executives.
“This is the new Jaguar. These cars are no longer just for recently divorced investment bankers having a mid-life crisis, they are also for rich children who hate their parents for being fascists but have no problem taking all their money,” Jaguar Land Rover managing director Rawdon Glover. “We spent years doing market research and found that both Gen Z and our typical clientele had one thing in common: a predilection for reckless and unannounced lane changing. All we had to do was change the logo and put androgynous 20-somethings in pastels to drive that ‘main character energy’ into about sales.”
At press time, luxury brand Aston Martin caused more confusion in the market when they released a 16-minute promo video of their latest campaign which featured adults dressed as babies soiling themselves with the tagline “Get Wet.”
As I Lay Dying Frontman Livid After Hitman Doesn’t Honor Buy One, Get One Free Promotion
OCEANSIDE, Calif. — As I Lay Dying frontman, and convicted felon, Tim Lambesis was caught on a home video having a meltdown after realizing the hitman he tried to hire in 2013 to murder his wife would not honor the buy one, get one free deal as advertised, worried sources confirmed.
“This is absolute crap. I’m going to report this piece of garbage to the Better Business Bureau and then he’s going to be bankrupt,” said Lambesis while pounding his feet. “It’s a sad state of affairs when you can’t trust the people you hire to kill the woman you married. This isn’t the America I once loved, I feel like I need to move to a country where men can kill their wives with no repercussions.”
At press time, Lambesis was leaving a scathing review of the hit man on Yelp.
“Not Enough Podcasts” and 0 Other Lessons the Democrats Learned From the Election
BY Matt Fresh
In the weeks since the election, the Democrats have been scrambling to figure out just what went wrong. How did they, a party that supports a genocide, is tone deaf to the needs of the working class and is completely inept at their job, lose to a party who has all the same faults with the addition of thinking Hitler made some good points? Like any good political party who has the best interests of the people at their heart, they’ve spent every day since their loss looking inwards and deducing what led to their failure. And like any good political party who knows what they’re doing, they figured it out pretty quickly and are now taking everything they learned to prepare to change their party and country for the better. So here’s all the lessons that the Democrats learned from the election.
Not Enough Podcasts
This is the big one. If only the Dems had more podcasts, then they would have won and the United States would not be close to heading down the path of every other fallen empire throughout history. Podcasts are the key. There just isn’t enough of them, we need more. If there were just a few more podcasts with left-leaning hosts then all this could have been avoided. Trans people wouldn’t be fearing for their lives as what little rights they had are about to be stripped faster than Princess Rosalina in my dreams if only we had a few more white dudes with microphones discussing random topics for two hours. Supporting genocide is okay as long as you have a lot of podcasts to tell you how progressive it is and how it’s only slightly worse than what the other genocidal party will do. Inflation? Housing? Taxes? Climate change? None of that matters if you have podcasts. If only there were more podcasts, the Dems would have won.
Red One Review: I Actually Watched a Different Dwayne Johnson Film
Like all of you, I can’t get enough Dwayne Johnson. It’s always fun to go to the theater and see his range on the big screen. So when Red One was announced, I was excited. As the premier came closer, I was ready to preorder my ticket. However, a friend of mine gave me insane news. I could actually watch this movie in the comfort of my home right now. According to my friend they cancelled the theatrical release and sent it straight to Netflix.
After watching the full film from the comfort of my couch whilst browsing Instagram, I have to say I think my friend was confused. This film seemed very different from Red One. This was about a strong dude and a wisecracking sidekick who travel the world to find artifacts, not a strong dude and wisecracking sidekick who travel the world to find Santa. The wisecracking sidekick that makes 4th wall breaking jokes is played by Ryan Reynolds, not Chris Evans. And the different exotic green screen backgrounds they go to every 15 minutes of the film barely have any snow.
I mean sure, this film has multiple fight scenes where The Rock shows off his muscles like his other films. And it may share the same jokes as his other films, including Red One hopefully. Sure this film has a good guy team up with a bad guy to save the day like Red One. And sure, this film’s Rotten Tomatoes score is nearly identical to Red One’s. At least at the time of writing this. But this is completely different from Red One. There isn’t even a Christmas theme.
I would like to apologize to the Dwayne Johnson fans out there. I can’t believe I was tricked like this. I am sorry I couldn’t experience the uniqueness of Red One in time for publishing. That being said, I give Red Notice a 10/10.
