thehardtimes

Hard Digest November 26: Early Access Viagra Boys, Costco Chicken, Babies, and More

Added 2024-11-27 01:00:07 +0000 UTC

Viagra Boys Rushed to Hospital After Set Persists for More Than 4 Hours

SAN FRANCISCO — Swedish crankwave band Viagra Boys were rushed to Zuckerberg General Hospital after their latest performance exceeded four hours in length, confirmed concerned sources.

“Their set went way longer than normal,” diehard fan Mike Danby noticed while attending the concert. “They usually don’t last very long — maybe 20 minutes if you’re lucky, a little longer if you focus on enjoying the opener — so I knew something was wrong right away. They were in the middle of a 35-minute extended version of ‘Sports,’ and the paramedics showed up just as the band finished listing the full roster of the ‘95 Bulls. Nobody really explained what happened, but I figure it must have been pretty painful to go for hours on end like that.”

Band members report they’ve made a full recovery from the incident.

“You see it happen to older acts, the Stones and the like; you just never think it’ll happen to you,” singer Sebastian Murphy acknowledged. “I can speak on behalf of the whole band when I thank the staff at Zuckerberg General. Your slow, bureaucratic care has gotten us just healthy enough to smoke four packs a day again and has inspired an album’s worth of new lyrics. Doctors have always warned us to seek medical attention if our set lasts more than four hours. But hey, at least the audience was left satisfied.”

Cardiologist Dr. Emmanuel Zorkin sees Viagra Boys’ prolonged setlist as a cautionary tale for aging musicians everywhere.

“I’ve seen painful, artificially extended sets from plenty of older punks trying to prove they’re still macho enough to not be posers,” Dr. Zorkin explained. “Every once-young punk thinks they’re invincible until they start struggling to perform. Just because you could crankwave every day in your room for hours on end as a teenager doesn’t mean you can still do that — and that’s okay. You can talk to your doctor about specific ways to healthily improve your scene cred as you get older, but the key word is moderation. If crankwave is important to you, try limiting yourself to only one Viagra Boys, Fontaines DC, or IDLES album per day.”

At press time, Dr. Zorkin was seen overprescribing Morphine’s “Cure for Pain” to otherwise healthy patients.

Crap! I Only Had a Baby for Social Media Clout and Now I Have to Actually Teach It Stuff

By Ben Friedman

The best day of my life, after me and my wife’s lifestyle brand account hit 500,000 followers, was the birth of my son Brayden. Becoming a father is a life-altering experience, especially when you have to incorporate it into your brand. Chronicling my son’s discovery of the world around him on social media has been so rewarding, both spiritually and monetarily.

One thing I wasn’t prepared for was how I blinked and suddenly little Brayden is now four years old and I found myself saying “Oh fucking crap, I actually have to teach him how to do stuff.”

Having a kid seemed like a good idea at the time! We were like fuck it, nobody is engaging with our vacation photos so let’s pop out a kid, inform our followers that “So, we did a thing…” and then tell everyone our way of parenting is superior. You could only imagine how blindsided we were when he began to grasp object permanence and tried to stick a fork in a wall outlet.

Worse is that he actually shit in the training potty I was going to return after I filmed its unboxing video. Is this like an everyday thing, or can I just teach him to go free-range and poop in the backyard like the dog? Their turds are about the same size anyway.

He’s asking so many goddamn questions and it’s always when my wife is filming a “get ready with me” video. And I have to explain that no, Mommy doesn’t know how planes fly or why the sky is blue because she’s trying to rack up enough views to pay for our next trip. I tried taking him to the children’s science museum but they kicked us out because I was “filming kids without consent.”

OK, don’t panic. This is why Apple invented iPads. I just throw on some weird Russian families playing with toys and I can buy a few hours a day of shoring up our SEO. What are the chances he’ll stumble down a rabbit hole of right-wing propaganda, 60%? I’ll take those odds.

I wasn’t prepared for the fact that my sole responsibility as a parent is to raise a child to be a functioning member of society. Thankfully, there are other parenting social media accounts to do that for me! I guess it’s true that it takes a village to raise a child or in this case TikTok.

Costco Rotisserie Chicken Replaces Bald Eagle as America’s National Bird

By Mike Maher

WASHINGTON — America’s longstanding symbol of freedom, the bald eagle, was replaced by the Costco rotisserie chicken as the official national bird, after a swift and unanimous bipartisan vote, salivating sources on Capitol Hill confirmed.

“Republicans and Democrats reached across the aisle to get this historic bill passed and grab a second helping,” Speaker of the House Mike Johnson said, deboning a drumstick. “Effective immediately, images of the Costco rotisserie chicken will replace the bald eagle on everything, everywhere, across America. This includes our great seal, government letterhead, quarters, Desert Storm t-shirts, and Air Force One, the plane and the film. I already covered up my bald eagle tramp stamp with a sweet rotisserie chicken backpiece, and even the greatest rock band of all time, The Eagles, have agreed to change their name. Well, everyone except that libtard Joe Walsh.”

Lifelong Costco shopper and retired bus driver Denise Jacaruso was emotionally overcome by the news.

“Hand to heart, I’ve never been prouder to be a card-carrying Costco member, or an American,” Jacaruso pledged. “What’s the big to-do about eagles anyway? They taste terrible! The rotisserie chicken, on the other hand, feeds my family of 11 multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times a day. All for the inflation-proof price of $4.99. I even reuse the thermal ziplock bag it comes in as my daily tote. Not only is the Costco rotisserie chicken edible, it’s sustainable, and now, salutable!”

Tanya Erb, Director of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, applauds the decision but has concerns.

“Listen, we’ve been kicking ass on the eagle’s behalf for long enough,” Erb said. “Countless man hours and taxpayer dollars were wasted saving those ungrateful shitbirds from extinction when honestly, they deserved to die off. Why? They’re apex assholes. Aggressive. Hate humans. And yeah I’ll say it…they ugly. But the Costco rotisserie chicken? That is one sexy bird. I’d give my left tit for a thigh right now. But protecting them is a whole different animal. They’re sitting ducks under those heat lamps, and Costco shoppers are absolute vultures. So I’m gonna do whatever it takes to make sure this isn’t the chicken’s swansong, or else my goose is cooked!”

At press time, the White House also revealed plans to make the American flag a scannable QR code, good for one dollar off at any KFC purchase, but restrictions and exclusions may apply.

Magic Spell Conveniently in Conversational English

BY Dan Katz

MILWAUKEE — A local witch considers herself fortunate that a magic spell was conveniently in conversational English when her 11-year-old son suffered what could have been a serious injury this past weekend.

“I was liking my friends’ Facebook posts when I heard a scream from the backyard,” explained Zaleria Bloodgood. “I ran out and saw my Edgar splayed out on the ground next to the trampoline, his left leg bent in the most unnatural of ways. It was one of the most gruesome things I have seen in my 325 years on this earth, but lucky for all of us, my healing spell was as simple as, ‘Heal this boy’s leg!’”

Bloodgood’s husband Seth said that he counts his blessings every day that his wife doesn’t need to know anything except how to speak like a regular person to cast her spells.

“I honestly can’t believe how lucky we are. Imagine if my wife needed a single drop of blood from a rare animal and then had to solve a riddle before even thinking about healing our son,” Seth said. “Just a couple weeks ago, we hosted book club, and when we served her coven our famous baked brie and gluten-free sesame crackers, they were trying to commune with the dead author by singing a song. I mean, it had multiple verses, repeat choruses – they had to harmonize and shit. Two of them even sang in a round. What a pain in the ass.”

Ms. Bloodgood’s neighbor, Druid Kestrel Grove, witnessed Edgar’s injury, but the boy had already been healed by the time she arrived to help.

“Look, I can mend a few goddamn bones, it’s pretty basic stuff,” explained the Druid. “But I have to commune with the trees and the sun above, gather specific flora, and then, even after all that, I still have to remember and repeat several lines of Latin. Poor Madame Darkmore down the road would have to come up with a rhyming poem on the spot. I was ready to help, but Zaleria can just talk her magic like I’m talking to you. It’s so much faster and, frankly, foolproof. I mean, if she had seen Edgar fall, she would have just said something like, ‘Float and land gently,’ easy as that.”

At press time, Zaleria Bloodgood’s seven-year-old daughter Tabitha was trying to be like mommy, telling Alexa to play “Butter” by BTS.

New Study Reveals Marvel Movies Just Video Games You Can’t Play

BY Kyle Donley

GAITHERSBURG, Md. — Local GameStop employee Aaron Hubbard has been the subject of much controversy after publishing a groundbreaking study that takes aim at Hollywood’s most beloved subject matter.

“Yeah it was crazy. I was going over my calculations on my lunch break, taking small and large hits from the vape pen, you know, running different variables and whatnot, and kept getting the same result every time,” Hubbard recalls. “Like Marvel movies are dope obviously because everyone’s all flying around and blowing shit up. But that’s also the same reason video games are dope. But, like, I can play those. And when I brought people back into the break room and showed them a Marvel movie and equivalent video game side-by-side, they were twice as likely to fuck with the Marvel-equivalent video game, no matter how small or large of a rip they took from the vape pen.”

Jeremy Longwood, an employee at the nearby Panera Bread and colleague of Hubbard’s, concurred.

“I’ve been a longtime supporter of Marvel movies on account of all the shit that blows up and everyone doing flips and stuff,” said Longwood. “But viewed through the lens of Aaron’s research, you start to notice how Marvel movies just kind of happen. Like you actually have to sit there and watch them? I dunno. Seems kind of random now.”

World-renowned astrophysicist Hilke Harver-Magnussen took the trip from her state of the art lab in Austria to the suburban strip mall in Maryland to meet Hubbard firsthand.

“Hubbard’s research is astounding. The average Marvel movie is made using Unreal Engine, a computer graphics 3D game engine. Their scenarios, plot, and sometimes even characters are identical to the video game paradigm. They both make an incredible amount of money. So what is the difference, I ask?” said Harver-Magnussen as she paused to take a 13 second rip off the vape pen. “You can, like, literally play video games!”

At press time, Hubbard announced that he had started research on a new study that endeavors to establish a link between some of Disney’s recent live-action films and animated films they’ve released in the past.