Hard Digest November 25: Early Access Warhammer 40k, Bouncers, Power Strips, and More

Warhammer 40K Meetup Surprisingly Uninterested in Custom Bolt Thrower Playlist

By Steve Packosky 

CINCINNATI — Bolt Thrower fan Harold Rodriguez was disappointed in the reaction to his custom playlist by fellow members of his Warhammer 40K meetup, sources report.

“I don’t get it, dude,” Rodriguez mentioned while dejectedly mustering his army of Space Marines. “I joined this group just assuming that this was also a Bolt Thrower meetup by default, but they are clearly not receptive at all to this sick-ass playlist I put together from their first three albums. I was hoping that iconic riff from the beginning of ‘What Dwells Within’ would get their heads banging, but Scott actually got up and turned down the volume on my Apple HomePod. Does this mean I actually have to focus on the game now? It’s actually kind of boring, and not nearly as cool as Bolt Thrower makes it out to be.”

Fellow Warhammer 40K player Jerome Sager was not happy about the unrequested musical addition to the game.

“This is the third time this has happened this month,” Sager sighed. “I’m trying to get my Adeptus Custodes into unit coherency, and this dude is playing music that sounds like the literal apocalypse. I’m not huge into music, but if I want to listen to something while playing, Chevelle or Breaking Benjamin is about as heavy as I get. It’s gotten to the point where I consider walking out when I see some new guy with long-hair and a black shirt come in, because I know it’s coming. The last guy almost got us kicked out of this Panera Bread, and it looks like it might happen again. I can already see some customers giving us dirty looks.”

Sociologist Stephanie Tanaka weighed in on the situation.

“There is often a disconnect between fanbases of extreme metal and the sources of many of its themes,” Tanaka offered. “It’s not uncommon for a fan of black metal to assume that other members of their fantasy book groups listen to Gorgoroth, and I’ve conducted several case studies of people mistakenly playing technical death metal at science fiction conventions. I actually wrote my dissertation on the pervasiveness of Mortician in the playlists of horror expo DJs. Metalheads would benefit from being a bit more unassuming in their social activities.”

At press time, Rodriguez had left the meetup, and was bringing his new Carcass playlist to his MCAT study group.

Where Are They Now? Those Bouncers That Told Me I Was Too Drunk To Come In but I Ran Past Them Anyway

By Doug Kolic

Life can go by in the blink of an eye. One moment you’re rolling up to the bar with your crew, boasting about all the Jameson you drank while pretending to WFH, and the next you’re being placed in a chokehold and barred from going inside by a bunch of fascists who say you’re “out of control”.

That’s what happened to me recently when a few bouncers from “The Drunk Skunk” decided to redirect their unhappy childhood rage onto me, just because of my incoherent and belligerent state. Luckily for me, I don’t take the word “no” for an answer and was able to get past their blockade after distracting them with a well-timed faux epileptic fit that I’m famous for.

So now that I’m hiding in this bathroom stall until the coast is clear, let’s take a look back and ask: where are these goons now?

Bouncer Who Looked Like Vin Diesel
He was the first to suspect that I might have had a wee bit too much to drink after he caught me pounding back cans of hard cider outside. He had a great sense of humor too, asking me how I “liked them apples” as he socked me in the breadbasket after I playfully asked him how his wife felt being married to a limp-dick loser. Looks like he’s headed outside, I’m clear.

Bouncer with Ponytail
This guy was alright. He eventually convinced the other guys that maybe I was having a real seizure and that they needed to stop wailing on me and call an ambulance, which was the opportunity I needed to run the fuck past them. Thanks for the compassion, sucker! He’s nowhere near the bar so I think I’m okay for a refill.

Brother of Bouncer with Ponytail
This guy was pretty forgettable other than being the younger brother of Ponytail guy, something I overheard them mention as I relieved myself by the front entrance. To be honest, I don’t really care where he is today. There’s only one thing I hate more than bouncers, and that’s nepo baby bouncers. Plus, I’m pretty sure his fists did the most damage to my face.

Cop Looking for Me in this Bathroom
Where is this guy now? Seriously, I need to know. He just came in a few minutes ago twirling his baton with bad intentions. If you know where he is, can you please just whisper it through the gap of this stall so I can make another run for it?

Overloaded Power Strip Venue’s Only Source of Heat

By Rob Ryder 

BALTIMORE — Local venue the Rusty Nut is reported to be heated by a single eight-outlet power strip, confirmed several sources with burn marks on their hands.

“After we opened the venue the first few shows were great, but when colder weather arrived the crowds started to dip,” said Terry Morgan, sound man for the Rusty Nut. “But then this metal band played a show and they had seven full stack amps and like 30 pedals to power up. I grabbed this old power strip we found in a dumpster and just plugged everything in. During sound check we noticed the temperature went up about 25 degrees in a few minutes, by show time, it was a balmy 83 degrees. If only there was a way to get his strip to act like an air conditioner in the summer. Our HVAC fan is our only source of cooling in July.”

Venue manager Greg Pullman said the creative wiring in the venue was all his own design.

“The building had several issues when we moved in, obviously this fixed the heating problem, but also helped with a stage wiring issue,” said Pullman while using a drumstick to jam a circuit breaker in the on position. “The stage only has one plug, so a power strip was needed to handle the amps and accessories. Fortunately that one plug is rated at 15 amps, and we’ve only ever plugged seven into it. After that, it’s just about finding the right balance where the power strip gets hot, but doesn’t completely set the stage, bar, and audience members ablaze. I can definitely find that balance, as long as Terry doesn’t try to make a fucking hot pocket right before showtime.”

Electrical Inspector Dwayne Cleery evaluated the venue during the permitting process, but felt there wasn’t much he could do.

“Where to fucking start, I approved the permit because they promised to do some upgrades, but that whole building should be torn down right away,” said Cleery while ripping up any evidence of his involvement in the building inspection. “That place is definitely going to burn down from something, but it’s such a goddamn mess it’ll be hard for the fire marshall to pinpoint what actually started the fire. If I had to venture a guess, that soda gun leaking directly onto exposed wires behind the bar will probably do it.”

At press time, staff at the Rusty Nut were trying to find a way to create a water heater with another power strip.

Dumbass Indie Developer Crafting Elaborate, Unique Horror Experience When ‘Dimly-Lit Hallway’ Right There

BY Nik Theorin 

LOS ANGELES — An independent game developer with shit-for-brains announced they were hard at work curating an elaborate, unique horror experience for players, when “dimly-lit hallway” was right there, sources report.

“It’s tough watching rookie developers making the same mistakes,” said Vander Cartwright, an industry veteran who advises indie studios on how to market their games entirely through sad little quote tweets. “In this particular case, we see a failure of vision right off the bat. Before starting any project with financial ambitions, you have to look at what the market wants. A surreal puzzle-platformer that invites the player into a world both dark and whimsical. A cryptic survival-horror masterpiece of hard science fiction and queer love. A thoughtful remaster of beloved horror classic Condemned: Criminal Origins. The market doesn’t want any of that crap. What the market wants is 1-3 dimly-lit hallways with lights that go blinky-blink and maybe there’s a scary woman. That’s it.”

“I’m not oversimplifying things,” continued Cartwright. “Give me a single claustrophobic hallway in an unassuming suburban home and I will sell that shit like yuri to Signalis fans. Believe me. I make a living off the whims of a demographic that sees itself somewhere between a protected species and a globe-spanning coalition of unrealized political power. Before I go to sleep and after I wake up each morning, I think to myself, what do gamers want right now? Couch co-op? Intricate world-building? Expanded voting rights for women? No. The only thing gamers want with no nuance or exception is two corridors connected at a right angle, a little bit of head bob, and framed pictures of a smiling family with their eyes gouged out hanging on every wall.”

Alejandro De Anda, a former colleague of the indie developer who wished to keep their dumb ass anonymous, admitted his split from the studio last year was due in part to creative differences.

“There’s no hard feelings, I just felt like we were moving in two different directions,” said De Anda, who has since founded his own studio, Shovelscare Games. “The old studio head was one of those guys who was all vision, no sense. He wanted a first-person horror game with a manageably small open world and light Metroidvania elements set in a sparse wood populated by abandoned, interconnected treehouses, with a narrative told largely through loose notes and diary entries. My response when he laid all this out and showed me the alpha build he’d already made was what anyone would say: We wouldn’t be able to buy that wholesale from the Unity Asset Store for a clean $15 like we would with a hallway.”

“I raised a number of other obvious points,” continued De Anda, whose upcoming title Buster’s Ballpit is currently the #1 most wishlisted game on Steam by virtue of being another mascot horror game. “First and foremost, I told him, why bother? We have the emaciated, fetid corpse of P.T. right here, and with a few scraps of meat still on it. He asked why every AA horror game had to be P.T., and that’s when I hit him with the hard truth: If we as an industry make enough P.T. clones, maybe it’ll make up for the Silent Hills-shaped hole in our hearts. He turned around and scoffed, but I could see the tears already dampening his cheeks.”

When asked for comment, the indie developer, now a solo-dev, offered stern words of advice for creators.

“What’s the point of making games if you’re just going to do what’s already been done?” said the developer. “You know what made P.T. special? It wasn’t the fact that it was a Kojima game in disguise or the bold choice to set it in the narrow, claustrophobic corridor that is your average $4000 per month no bed one bath Brooklyn apartment. P.T. was special because it did something different. It surprised you. It innovated. It made you whisper ‘Jareth’ into the microphone on your PS4 controller because the internet promised you Norman Reedus. Is it tragic Silent Hills was never made? Yes. Did Konami need to take the teaser out back and shoot it in the back of the head execution style? No. But if you think you can recapture the same magic that game had by endlessly imitating it, you’ve not only boarded the cope boat, my friend. You’re riding first class.”

At press time, the developer had launched their debut horror title to underwhelming sales, a problem they intend to address through several minor bug fixes and the addition of the “deckbuilder” and “roguelike” tags to the game’s Steam page.

Blizzard Confirms Tracer Is Back in the Closet For Overwatch Classic

BY Eddie Feeley 

IRVINE, Calif. — Following the announcement of Overwatch Classic, the limited time event in the 6v6 hero shooter Overwatch 2, Blizzard Entertainment announced that the popular character Tracer will not be openly gay for the event.

“Tracer is an essential part of the legacy of Overwatch, and we wanted to give fans the opportunity to see her before she was openly a lesbian,” said Blizzard representative Chase Smith. “We’re excited to harken back to the original days of Overwatch eight years ago, with a cast of colorful characters without defined sexualities.”

“Tracer came out back when Overwatch was popular and everyone loved Blizzard,” Smith continued. “Hopefully when we have her come out again, the relevance and goodwill will also come out with her.”

Fans of Overwatch had mixed reactions to this news, although they are excited for Tracer to come back out of the closet at the end of the event. 

“I remember how big of a deal it was when Tracer first came out,” says Tumblr user calverycome665. “It was exciting to see such a prominent character be open about their sexuality. It wasn’t as common back then, as opposed to nowadays when every action hero is on the bisexuality spectrum until the owner of the IP gets even a whiff of pushback from reactionary douchebags. I’m sure that’s not what’s happening here, though.”

Other gamers are concerned with how this closeting will affect Tracer’s performance in competitive play. 

“Currently Tracer is a strong damage unit, with some players attributing to her confidence and security in her identity,” says e-sports commentator Marko Lane. “However, for the Overwatch Classic event, she might be better used as a support unit, like a college sophomore who doesn’t realize why most of her friends are queer.”

Blizzard is considering taking other actions to evoke Overwatch back at its launch, such as temporarily giving Cole Cassity his original name back.

10 Other Things You Can Do While Waiting for Your Turn in Mario Party

BY Arielle Andreano 

So, it’s happening again. You have some friends over for a game night and everything is going well, but then someone’s boyfriend suggests Mario Party. Worse still, despite the fact that none of the attendees are under the age of 10, everyone sounds enthusiastic about it. Your first reaction is to despair, but I’m here to help you survive this giant, excruciatingly boring waste of your time.

The first thing to do, of course, is to sway the group to choose the fewest rounds possible by saying there will be cake arriving in half an hour. There does not need to be cake. Deception is imperative for survival at this stage. If you succeed at this, you should only need to utilize one or two of the following ten options that will help you stay occupied while waiting for your turn. All of these activities can be performed while participating in minigames.

1. Clean out your closet for a Goodwill drop.

You’ve been meaning to for years and you might as well toss that “Fluent in Sarcasm” shirt your aunt got you.

2. Paint your nails.

The more complicated the better. With a French tip, you will not have time to hate Bowser for being a thief.

3. Touch up your roots.

You meant to before game night, anyways, and they’re too busy ganging up on Luigi to notice.

4. Dust your book shelf and toss any books by canceled authors.

You still have that Neil Gaiman collection up there and now’s as good a time as any.

5. Locate your middle school enemies on LinkedIn and leave negative comments.

You might as well funnel your rage about the star location moving yet again.

6. File your emails.

2,000 unread emails? Your friend waffling about which dice to use is an opportunity to get your life together.

7. Actually bake a cake.

Hey, whatever it takes.

8. Start an MLM.

You might think a getty is not the moment to build your empire, but you’d be wrong. Toad is explaining rules to them for the 8th time.  Build that pyramid, girl.

9. Call your mom.

She misses you.

10.  Finally start that manuscript.

You were going to use the time to scroll angrily on Instagram and watch what actual fun activities all your other friends were doing. You might as well start the novel about the overly precocious child detective.