Hard Digest November 23: Early Access Bon Iver, Politics, Captain Planet, Luke Bryan, and More

Bon Iver Announces Next Release Will Only Be Available by Carrier Pigeon

By Ben Friedman

EAU CLAIRE, Wisc. — Justin Vernon surprised fans by announcing the next highly anticipated Bon Iver release will only be available via carrier pigeon delivery, sources confirmed.

“Buying and discovering music used to be a beautiful thing. For the next record I wanted to deliver a bespoke, personal experience that’s also aligned with our aesthetic. Obviously, the best way to do this is to have it exclusively delivered by hundreds of trained carrier pigeons,” said Vernon. “The new album is about reconnecting with nature, and it would go against the spirit of the music to have it tossed at one’s front door by an ambivalent FedEx driver. Pigeons are truly one of the few loyal and true creatures, and I think we can trust them to deliver vinyl within a 700-mile radius of the Great Lakes.”

Fans who have preordered the album were intrigued but concerned by the logistics.

“I should’ve known there was a catch when that grizzled Western Union telegram guy arrived on horseback with a message that Bon Iver was dropping the new album via birdmail. I live in a 60 apartment complex, how the hell is it supposed to find me? I wonder if the building manager will install a pigeon coop,” said Emma Deal. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m very much looking forward to the album, but I have so many questions. Like, do I get to keep the pigeon and the vinyl? I tried contacting customer service, but all I found was a telegram line.”

Label reps from Jagjaguwar supported Vernon’s vision, as it aligned with other unique delivery methods.

“Is this practical? Hell no, but damn does it get people talking about the album and builds the band’s mythos. Bon Iver is one of our biggest artists so if we need to spend a little extra money upfront converting the pressing factory into a birdhouse, so be it,” said A&R rep Don Olivieri. “It’s not like we haven’t had artists think way outside the box before. I remember Angel Olsen coming to me about beaming ‘Big Time’ into the listener’s subconscious via an ethereal ray of light, and she knocked it out of the park. Turns out there are quite a lot of consumers out there who want to consume music without using Spotify.”

Bon Iver also announced the record’s special edition will ship next year via a peregrine falcon trained by Vernon himself.

Opinion: This Country Needs To Set Politics Aside and Pick a Crappy Show We All Watch

By Dan Rice

In the book of Genesis, it is said that the Babylonians endeavored to build a tower that could reach heaven. God, feeling threatened, made them all speak in different tongues, leading to confusion and war so they would never reach their full potential. It’s a chilling metaphor for what happens when there isn’t a crappy TV show we’re all watching.

Understand, the problem goes beyond actual language. Back in the ‘80s, you took one English speaker and one Spanish speaker and they had a communication tool that for all our duolinguo lessons we just don’t have today—they both watched “Different Strokes” last night. Was it a good show? No. Did they enjoy it? Absolutely not. But it was the only thing on, so they watched it, and now these two hypothetical strangers have the mutually shared communication touchstone of “What you talkin’ ‘bout Willis?” Something they can both grasp and build on.

In the age of the internet and content over-saturation, we as a nation have been divided into thousands of tribes. Even when we speak the same language, we don’t understand each other. Today you can take two random English speakers of nearly identical circumstances—race, gender, economic status, whatever—sit them down together and there’s a good chance neither will know what the hell the other is talking about. One has no idea why the other keeps saying “brat” in a weird context. The other won’t know why the other keeps saying “Vaccines are poison” or “Theo Von.” Within 20 minutes they are confused, angry, and ready to rip one another’s throats out without really understanding why.

We are at a precipice. It is estimated that “Seinfeld” reference comprehension has sunk by 25% in the last year alone. Nearly 65% of Americans still haven’t seen all of “The Office.” A recent study showed that 80% of High School seniors can’t find Steve Urkle on a map.

Remember “Lost?” Remember how you could be in a room with someone you had nothing in common with, but you could say “What IS the island though?” and they would say “I think it’s purgatory!” What I’m saying is that having that tiny little universally understood reference is the only thing between us and full-blown civil war.

We just need to pick one. It does not need to be good. You do not need to enjoy it. It just has to be palatable enough to watch so that we all have at least one thing we can point to and say stuff like “That guy is a real (name of boss) from (mediocre television show we’ve all seen for some reason.). So, America, what’s it gonna be?

It can’t be prestige TV. It can’t be challenging in any way. It has to be something just good enough to where someone says “Wanna watch another one?” and you go “I guess.” “Law & Order?” Not everyone loves that show, but come on, who hates “Law & Order?” Too much copaganda? Okay good point, not that one, maybe a sitcom? A really lazy sitcom.

I’m not asking for much. I’m not insisting we all become enlightened citizens of the world and watch “Eurovision,” that’s not gonna happen. But 30 minutes with commercials about a dad? A dad with problems, whose set-in-his-ways outlook is routinely challenged in amusing ways, or whatever? We can do that!

Captain Planet Harvested for Rare Minerals in New iPhone

By Matt Husser 

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple CEO Tim Cook announced that the tech giant would begin harvesting beloved Saturday morning cartoon icon Captain Planet for rare minerals necessary to produce the next generation of iPhones, environmental sources confirmed.

“While we appreciate everything that Captain Planet has done for the world, the incoming Trump administration’s environmental deregulation will open up a free-for-all for precious rare mineral resources we need for the new iPhone. Simply put, either we strip-mine Captain Planet or our competition will,” said Cook, unveiling Captain Planet gagged and tied to a chair. “But fear not, for his mineral contributions will not be in vain, as it will allow us to release three iterations of the new iPhone 17. And to our shareholders, I leave you with this message: the power is yours!”

Longtime Planeteer James Wheeler claimed that while he will miss the environmentally-friendly superhero, he understands it’s for the good of consumers everywhere.

“Look, me and Captain Planet go way back, but this guy on Joe Rogan made a compelling case about climate change being a hoax and I don’t appreciate being lied to all those years by some preachy liberal in red booty shorts—I say he’s got it coming,” said Wheeler, turning his MAGA hat backward. “Plus my fire ring melted my last phone and I really want that iPhone 17 Pro Max Plus. I hear they’re moving the charging port two millimeters to the left—game changer, bro. Besides, once Elon gets us to space, there’s bound to be a Captain Mars there that can help us send all the hurricanes to China or some shit.”

Environmentalist Paul Johansen voiced concerns that the unregulated mining could spell disaster for other ‘90s Saturday morning TV shows.

“Between the news of unrestricted mining of Captain Planet and the Trump administration signaling they’ll appoint Dr. Blight to head the Environmental Protection Agency, this sets a worrying precedent for the next four years. I’m concerned that if trends continue, they’ll soon open bids for fracking rights on Fraggle Rock,” said Johansen, reading a report on climate-induced muppet immigration patterns. “Sesame Street can only take so many Fraggle migrants, and before you know it we’ll have an environmental disaster and a muppet refugee crisis on our hands.”

At press time, Nestle had successfully privatized Gi’s water ring to divert California’s entire water supply to their bottling plants.

Quiz: Have You Stumbled Into the Depths of Hell, or Are You Just at a Luke Bryan Concert in Mansfield, Massachusetts?

By Steve Packosky 

It’s strange how some situations can mirror others almost exactly. For example, a tennis match can look indecipherable from a pickleball match to an outsider. A city council meeting can easily be misconstrued as a school board meeting, and we’d be hard-pressed to tell you the difference between a symphony and an orchestra. It’s a good idea for all of us to prepare ourselves for these situations so we can properly identify what we’ve walked into. As such, let’s take this time to test our knowledge with a little quiz.

Try to identify which of these situations are describing the depths of hell or a Luke Bryan concert in Mansfield, Massachusetts!

1.)    Question: You traverse a parking lot filled with Ford F150s bespeckled with Blue Lives Matter and FJB bumper stickers to enter an arena, only to have your ears assaulted with song lyrics that make Jimmy Buffett sound like Elliott Smith.

Answer: If you went with “Luke Bryan Concert in Mansfield, Massachusetts,” good job! This indeed sounds very similar to the Stygian abyss of the dreaded Dark One, so don’t get down on yourself if you answered incorrectly. Try to make up for it with this next question!

2.)    Q: The temperature is impossibly high as you witness thousands of tortured souls wail in agony while countless demons rid them of their skin and force-feed them their own eyeballs.

A: That’s right, you’re in the depths of hell! It definitely doesn’t seem pleasant to us, and we’re almost tempted to wish we were back at the Luke Bryan concert! On to the next one!

3.)    Q: You’re forced into a naked procession of the damned with a pitchfork constantly at your back. At the front of the line is a pit of fire in which the dancing flames will lick your flesh for all of eternity, simply because you did not make it to Confession in time to cleanse your soul before you perished.

A: Yep, it’s hell again! You’re doing great!

4.)    Q: You’re surrounded by Miller Lite-swigging men donning cowboy hats (virtually none of whom have ever even sat upon a horse, let alone been employed as a farmhand) cosplaying as Southerners despite the fact that they are hundreds of miles north of the Mason-Dixon line.

A: This was a toughie, but it’s a Luke Bryan concert! We know it sounds like a clever punishment from the devious mind of Lucifer himself, but the trickiest demon is no match for modern-day country music!

5.)    Q: You’re in a crowd of white people singing along to the lyrics “Girl you make my speakers go ‘boom boom’, dancing on the tailgate in the full moon, that kind of thing makes a man go ‘mmm mmm.’”

A: Well, you’re at a Luke Bryan concert, but why are you at a Luke Bryan concert? That’s right, you’re in hell!

There you have it! We’re sure you performed fantastically, and if not, at the very least we hope you’re a little more equipped to differentiate between these two situations. God willing, you’ll never need this knowledge, but it doesn’t hurt to be prepared!

Gamer Simply Too Employed to Be Any Good at Games

BY Jacob Albrecht 

NEW YORK — Casual gamer and full-time line cook Nathan Cardwell has come to the realization that employment may be getting in the way of his recreational advancement, Cardwell confirmed in a Discord press conference with the squad.

“I’ve been playing games regularly for a long time and I’m still just so trash at all of them, so I’ve just had to really reflect on what might be impeding that progress,” said Cardwell. “After a lot of introspection, I’ve come to the conclusion that if I continue to log 40 hours a week at work in order to afford food and a roof over my head, then I will, frankly, never make it out of Silver II, and I think I’m okay with that.”

Cardwell described just how devastating it has been to have to let go of the notion that he might ever be even a little good at a game.

“It’s just tough, you know, cause I had dreams. I used to hope that one day, I could be a 1,000+ Power Prismatic Hunter, dropping Golden Gun shots on Hive Wizards like it’s my fucking job. But that’s not my job. I’m a line cook. And at the end of the day, that’s what’s gonna pay the bills.”

Quick to weigh in on the topic was Cardwell’s online friend and frequent Counter-Strike teammate, BotSl4yer12000.

“I don’t know that I really buy with Cardwell’s excuses about the whole full-time job thing”, BotSl4yer12000 argued. “What we’re really seeing here is just a lack of commitment. I mean I’ve got a day job too, but I also care enough about the craft to set aside time for things like grenade training and practice matches.”

“Now do I maybe have some advantages that Nathan doesn’t, like a work-from-home job that really only requires about nine hours of labor a week, and practically no debt because my rich aunt paid my way through school? Sure, but we’ve all got the same 24 hours in a day.”

At press time, Nathan Cardwell has decided to take a step back from his Rust base-related duties in order to focus on more frivolous endeavors, like surviving and advancing his career.