Hard Digest November 17: Early Access Propaghandi, Green Day, Bathrooms, and More

Propagandhi Struggling to Write New Music After Loss of Henry Kissinger

By John Danek 

WINNIPEG, Manitoba — Canadian political punk rockers Propagandhi admitted that they are struggling to write new songs after the death of their creative muse Henry Kissinger, worried friends reported.

“I try to put pen to paper, yet I can’t write anything because now there is no chance that ol’ Hank will ever hear it,” admitted frontman Chris Hannah, who finally took down a portrait of Kissinger taped to a dartboard in the band’s rehearsal space. “Let me be clear—we don’t like Henry Kissinger. In fact, I hope there is an afterlife only so he can be eternally deafened by the millions of voices he silenced while he was on Earth. Maybe Satan has a good sense of humor and will blast ‘Resisting Tyrannical Government’ in his cell for a few millennia. But my god, it’s been hard to work without him.”

Staff at Propagandhi’s current record label Epitaph Records are hoping that the band can find a new muse before long.

“I’m very sympathetic to Propagandhi’s current bout of writer’s block. Bad Religion haven’t even texted each other since the death of Pat Robertson,” said Brett Gurewitz, co-founder of Bad Religion and owner of Epitaph Records. “But we are really hoping to release something soon, so I’ve been signing up Chris, Todd, Jord, and Sulynn for every conservative political campaign newsletter I can find. I’m sure one of these MAGA chuds will be odious enough for the Prop gang to set their sights on. Personally, I’d love for them to write a concept album about Marjorie Taylor Greene.”

Political science experts attempt to explain the complex relationship between imperialist, reactionary politicians and the leftist punk bands who sing about them.

“The bond between punk artists and fascists is inherently parasitic; the former feeds off the latter like a remora on a manta ray. Politicians provide their rage, substance, and raison d’être,” explained Dr. Renee Loer, Dean of Political Sciences at the University of Winnipeg. “Without this antagonistic relationship, you end up with apathetic bands like the Misfits or self-obsessed navel-gazers along the lines of a Sunny Day Real Estate. Great bands, but they never inspired any action beyond rewatching Night of the Living Dead or brooding in the back of a bus with headphones on.”

As of press time, Hannah contacted a hacker to acquire the Spotify history of Henry Kissinger, and it turns out he was more of an Anti-Flag guy.

“Good Riddance” by Green Day Suddenly Starts Playing Every Time I See My Uncle Now and I’m Concerned He Might Be Dying

By Kyle Donley 

Look, I’m not really a religious or spiritual person but I’ve been around the block long enough to know that if Green Day’s “Good Riddance” starts playing every time you see your uncle, something is definitely up.

It’s all very strange. The opening strummed chords will start to play, seemingly out of the ether, and without fail my Uncle Scott walks into the room all slow-like. The song will play to completion as he stares meaningfully at various people in the room, offering a series of reluctant, pained smiles during perceived conversation. And if I’m in the room with him for longer than two and a half minutes, the song will simply start over again.

What’s annoying is that no one else seems to hear the song. So I don’t know if that means I’m the chosen one who’s supposed to save my Uncle Scott or what? Is “Good Riddance” a warning or just like, something you have to accept? I asked him if he’s been to the doctor recently and he said “Oh yes.” Am I supposed to ask him more questions about his doctor’s appointment? The “Oh” makes it so cryptic! I honestly don’t have time for any this.

I’ve actually been going out of my way to avoid him. I purposefully blew off my niece’s confirmation party because of this and now I’m in trouble with my sister. This whole thing sucks! Maybe he’s not dying? Could he be like, moving to California to win back some girl? Or graduating high school? None of it makes sense, he has to be dying!

The song is getting louder too. Does that mean he’s running out of time? This shit has been going on for over a year now! How much louder is it going to get? I tried to confront him about all this head-on at my dad’s Corvette unveiling, but I just inadvertently ended up shouting at him about the final episode of Seinfeld. I think he was doing a Kramer impression but I couldn’t hear shit. When the goddamned violin solo cut in it was so loud that I had to run off into the kitchen and eat handfuls of crudité to calm my nerves.

I know this is terrible but it would honestly be a big relief if he just died. Nothing crazy! In his sleep, peaceful. Something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right. Oh god…I think Green Day wants me to kill my uncle.

Punk Parents Play “The Toilet is Lava” with Kids to Prep them for Show Bathrooms

By Arielle Andreano

FAIRFAX, Va. – Local punk parents Cindy Brooklyn and Liam Hillhurst were found playing a new game called “The Toilet is Lava” with their children on a public playground as a means to teach them about the dangers of venue restrooms, sources confirmed.

“As a parent, you’re always thinking about preparedness,” said the mother of two. “You know, how can we get them ready for all the obstacles that are inherent to the punk scene? But motivation is hard with kids. It’s easier to turn something into a game rather than explaining to them what toilet seat chlamydia is or why the potty isn’t white. So we came up with the game to essentially cause a sudden fear of toilets with one easy trigger phrase. We feel really good about making sure they’ll beat the odds and practice good hygiene.”

Savannah Brooklyn, one of the children in the toilet avoidance training program, shared her experience.

“Dude, we’ve been playing The Toilet is Lava for like just a few weeks now and I’m already totally killing it. It’s my new favorite game. Once they yell ‘the toilet is lava!’ you won’t see my tush anywhere near that toilet, even when I’m going number one,” said the younger Brooklyn. “We mime it at the playground. We haven’t tried with number two yet. I’m begging them to let me advance! My parents said I have such a natural ability, I might even make it to the Olympics one day. But I have to keep training. I even cleared the Category 6 Lava Explosion level which is like, unheard of, apparently.”

Dierdre Blackwood, notable child psychologist, shed some light on this method of child-rearing.

“It’s so important to positively frame experiences for children. The way we react to situations will stick with them and forever shape how they respond to stimuli,” said Blackwood from his office. “So it’s really a beautiful gift this family is giving to their children. They’ll remember having fun bonding with their family and overcoming obstacles rather than watching two punks hold each others’ hair while puking into the same toilet. I think these kids are gonna go far in life.”

As of press time, the Brooklyn family are now reportedly working on The Silent Game to prepare their children for encounters with police officers.

More From The Hard Times:

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week Before Congress Outlaws Music

Batman Ordered to Return to Office

BY Kyle Duggan 

GOTHAM CITY — The controversial vigilante known only as the Batman has been ordered to return to the office at least three days a week after a recent wave of mob-related violence rocked the city.

“Sure, I’d love to roll out of bed late and shuffle over to my desk in the next room,” said Gotham City Police Department lieutenant James Gordon. “We all would. But ask your boss how they feel about that arrangement. How can we be sure that Batman is even doing his work unless we can keep an eye on him? I mean, it sure seems like he’s checked out. Two of the city’s most prominent families have been completely slaughtered. I bet he’s not even wearing his full costume and only puts on the cowl for video calls.”

Batman was reacted indignantly to the GCPD’s demands.

“I’m just as able to do my work from the Batcave as I am from inside GCPD headquarters,” said the caped crusader. “Last time I was there, I literally had to fight my way out. Plus, it’s not set up properly for my workflow. Are they going to compensate me for all of the money I spent to be able to work from home? I had a fireman’s pole installed. No commute can compete with that, even if you’re driving the Batmobile.”

Sociologist and labor expert Denise Crowley commented on the reasons that law enforcement agencies often forbid heroes from working remotely.

“Sure, some of it is just from the natural managerial impulse to micro-manage and babysit,” said Crowley. “Frankly, that’s just survival instinct. If people can do their jobs from home, what are managers even for? Often, though, the restrictive return-to-office mandates are part of a scheme to reduce the workforce without having to pay severance—essentially a backdoor layoff. It’s surprising for this to happen to a hero as high-profile as Batman, but it’s a common tactic. Animal Man has been ‘ordered to return to the office’ about a dozen times.”

At press time, the GCPD issued a statement the Batman was free to fight crime in another city if he refused to obey their mandate.