Hard Digest November 16: Early Access Nightmares, Rib Removal, Bartenders, and More

Guitarist Has Recurring Nightmare That Crowd Can Actually Hear Bassist

By Carson Kile

PHILADELPHIA — Local guitarist Diego Luna of the punk outfit The Nutchests reported suffering from a recurring nightmare where the crowd can actually hear their bassist’s performance, horrified sources report.

“Normally, I can sleep soundly knowing that those bass notes are buried in a mix,” said a half awake Luna, as he mixed Red Bull into his coffee. “But ever since he said his favorite musician was Sid Vicious, I’ve had these terrible dreams that people can actually hear the cacophony he’s making. Every time I close my eyes for the sweet release of sleep, I’m disturbed by visions of my bassist forgetting he’s tuned to drop D on a song we wrote in standard, but continuing to play it like normal anyways. The dreams have only gotten worse since he bought a five-string. We don’t have any songs where that is even necessary, so it’s just more wrong notes for him to play. I might just start handing him an unplugged bass and saying we finally got our wireless setup to work.”

The Nutchests’ bassist Adam Cyril expressed concern for Luna’s frantic mental state.

“I really hate to see Diego like this, I can tell the pressure has gone to his head,” remarked Cyril, completely oblivious to the low, rumbling feedback coming from his amp. “He’s so paranoid that I might accidentally produce sound that he’s turned every knob in a 10-mile radius down to zero, on the off chance they might control volume. I want to text him and tell him everything will be okay, but I haven’t been able to use my phone since he chopped off all my fingers. I was glad to hear he’s been feeling much more at ease since he started re-recording my parts on our demo tape. It’s nice to see him practicing self-care.”

Luna’s therapist Dr. Will Henson commented on the disturbing content of his client’s dreams.

“I just can’t take it anymore,” cried Dr. Henson, as he rocked back and forth in a fetal position. “I’ve had to cancel all of Diego’s future appointments because I can’t bear to hear the horrible details of his dreams again. The way he describes his bassist nodding to the beat of a song and still playing audibly off-tempo makes me sick to my stomach. It’s the most hopeless case I’ve heard in my 23 years as a therapist, and I’ve seriously had to consider a career change these past few months. If you or someone you love is at risk of becoming a bassist, my advice is to replace it with a safer, healthier alternative, like alcohol.”

At press time, The Nutchests’ drummer checked himself into a mental hospital after hearing the parts his bandmates had written for him.

Bartender Exhausted From Long Day of Ignoring Patrons

By Ben Friedman 

MINNEAPOLIS — Local bartender Scott Wilson informed his coworkers he’d be taking an indefinite smoke break as he’d reached the point of exhaustion from ignoring patrons all day, witnesses have confirmed.

“People think I have it easy, that I just pour drinks and make small talk all day. But industry folks know that’s only like 2% of the job, the other 98% is avoiding eye contact with customers while curating a new playlist for the bar. And in that regard, today has been nonstop action. If I have to turn my back to another person asking for the check, I’m going to collapse,” said Wilson. “I’ve heard some customers griping, but I’d like to see them do my job and not prioritize making TikTok sketches over pouring beers. Unless they’re a hot goth baddie, they can wait 20 minutes between drinks.”

Barback Kevin Garrett noticed how Wilson possessed such a low drive to do literally anything.

“When I first started I thought this was one of those themed establishments where they treat you like crap on purpose, so I was still laboring under the delusion that I’d work my way up to bartender by busting my ass. Scott is proof that acting aloof and openly talking shit with coworkers is how you make it in this industry,” said Garrett. “If this job has taught me anything, it’s that meritocracy is bullshit and you can get away with doing less than bare minimum if you’re hooking up the general manager with adderall. If he asks me to change the channel on the TV while he swipes through Hinge again, I’m stealing his tips.”

The bar’s owner has noticed a cultural shift with his newer employee across all the establishments that he oversees.

“I have no idea where the hell all these lethargic hipster bartenders are coming from! They do realize it’s possible to socialize and work at the same time, right? Scott is like the sixth or seventh employee I’ve received complaints about being brushed off. And these are the same employees putting in copious amounts of mental health day requests,” said Earl Dawson. “For what it’s worth, the whole ‘look in every direction but me’ vibe is successful in the trendier urban settings. Something about being negged gets people in the door.”

After his break, Wilson announced he’d be leaving his coworkers to deal with the happy hour rush after seeing two people sitting at the bar.

Sad! This Guy Had to Leave His Band After Being Promoted to Shift Manager

By Ben Friedman 

It’s never easy watching someone fall from grace while still in their prime, and even worse when you have to watch them squander their talent. It’s a safe bet that there are many great musicians out there who are unable to flourish, thanks to a society that requires its citizens to become cogs in the capitalist machine. And nothing illustrates this better than trying to balance making it in a band and holding down a job at the same time.

A prime example is local guitarist Liam Oliver, who had to leave his band Death Spiral after getting promoted to shift manager at Kohl’s.

“I just needed an easy, low-stakes job that required little effort and zero experience, so stocking shelves at Kohl’s seemed like a good fit. All I really needed was money for distortion pedals and gas for the van until the band took off, since we were getting some looks from a few labels. Then it happened: I became the store’s first employee to make it past 90 days all year, and they promoted me to shift manager. I knew showing up for all my shifts was going to bite me in the ass. ”

This is what happens when you don’t invest in the arts! We need more noise-punk bands and fewer retail chain supervisors, dammit. We doubt Liam wanted to grow up to write employee schedules and explain price match policies to belligerent boomers, but now he’s another victim of a system that doesn’t let people pursue their talents.

“I mean it’s nice that I can now afford to eat something other than ramen three times a day, but sometimes I wonder if it’s even worth it. Last Thursday I was auditing inventory, and I got a text from the band group chat of the guys hanging out with Fat Mike at an abandoned warehouse show. I literally fell to my knees in the midst of the khakis and wondered what my life could’ve been like if I just sold my kidney instead.”

None of his coworkers will ever know that he once opened for Mannequin Pussy or that he could play “Master of Puppets” by the age nine. Instead, he’s explaining to new hires that they can’t take more than 30 minutes for their lunches or they’ll be written up. Alas, another one for the 27 club. What a waste.

Take It From Me: Removing Two Ribs Doesn’t Work

By Ryan Danley 

Alright, let’s get right to it. You know the rumor we’ve heard since the playgrounds at catholic school— I call it the ‘Marilyn Manson.” “If you remove some ribs, you can… suck your own dick.” And like any determined dude looking to transcend reality’s limitations, I thought:’ Let’s do this!’ Well, after a questionable surgery, some dicey recovery time, and a heavy dose of regret, I’m here to say: it doesn’t work. At all. Not even fucking close dude.

Yes, I was committed — maybe a bit too much. You could call it a quest for self-reliance or maybe a misguided attempt at personal convenience. I mean, we live in an age where meal kits show up at your door and drones deliver snacks; why not try for a similar arrangement in sucking your own dick? So I found a “Dr. Nick” in a local mini-mall. He didn’t ask many questions, just took my money and handed me a waiver that looked like it had been edited with a Sharpie and held together with scotch tape. I signed without a second thought—what’s a couple of ribs for a life-changing opportunity?

After surgery, I was ready to try my newfound “freedom.” But then came the problem: bending forward wasn’t as easy or comfortable as I’d imagined. It hurt—a lot. Turns out, ribs aren’t just there to keep your organs from sloshing around like an unattended Jell-O salad; they actually provide important structural support. Without two of them, I found myself struggling just to sit upright, let alone contort into some mythical self-sufficiency dick-sucking stance. Instead of acrobatic flexibility, I got intense back pain, a newfound understanding of my skeleton’s role in keeping me upright, and something I can only describe as “severe lung pain.”

I tried everything — stretching, yoga, even an acrobatics class. But I could barely manage to bend over without looking like I was in a body horror film. Meanwhile, my organs staged a silent rebellion, sighing dramatically every time I tried to take a deep breath. Eventually, I consulted a “real” doctor, who gave me a sympathetic look and said, “Did you not know that ribs are there for a reason?” Turns out, my previous doctor had skipped that part, too focused on how “liberated” I’d feel.

And that brings us to the painful lesson: leave your ribs where they are. Keep those bones and thank your body for the work it does keeping you from folding in half like a beach chair. If you’re thinking of surgery to gain some mythical “advantage,” I assure you, the cost isn’t worth it—mainly because there is no reward. Let’s leave rib removal to the shock rockers. I’ll be over here, a humbled guy with two fewer ribs, learning to love my semi-functional body just the way it is. Goddammit.

More From The Hard Times:

Ten Underrated Albums From 2001 That Could Have Stopped 9/11 If Someone Were Listening to Them on the Plane

Indiana Jones Game Sparks Outrage For Depiction of Violence Against Nazis

BY Johnny Amizich 

UPPSALA, Sweden — Sprog Hoeffler, avid gamer and founder of the group “Not All Nazis”, has taken umbrage with the way Nazis are being represented in the upcoming game “Indiana Jones and the Great Circle” from developer MachineGames. 

“Why is it that the people most concerned about representation and equality are the first ones to condemn someone just because they subscribe to a different worldview?” Hoeffler bemoaned on his blog, “Sieg Heil, Not Hate.” “Do I want to exterminate the Jews? Sure, who doesn’t? But that doesn’t make me a bad person. And what’s more American than exterminating an entire group of people? I say I’m more of a patriot than any of these so-called ‘wokies’ who depict all Nazis as genocidal freaks. Some of us just really like their economic policies. Is it my fault the only way to implement them is by eradicating groups of people based on stereotypes and eugenics? Grow up.”

Biff Whipplespit, who goes by the handle Skinheads4Change on X The Everything App, posited that the Nazi depiction is just another form of discrimination. 

“I’ve had it with the double standards these libs try to cram down our throats,” Whipplespit said. “When I make a joke about George Floyd it’s racist, but when they make GIFs of prominent fascists being bonked with hammers no one cares. And when I complain about it they just make more and more gifs of Nazis being bonked with hammers. They say love is love, but when I say that I love eradicating the Jews, Catholics, Blacks, Mexicans, the Chinese, and anyone who looks at me sideways they call me a bad person. Make it make sense.”

Nicole Devalder, a researcher who specializes in the study of fascist movements, offered her insight on the recent uptick in fascist whinging. 

“All these people have is their own perceived victimhood,” Devalder said. “Even when they win, they act as though they’ve lost and the enemy is at the gates, and when they’ve lost, no matter how emphatically or no matter how many people are deriding them and their worldview they declare victory. You have to be a special kind of brain damaged to abide by this philosophy. It’s truly remarkable.”

At press time a group of fascists had gathered on a X The Everything App space to hold a victory party following a mass exodus of users who found them too annoying to be around any longer.