thehardtimes

Hard Digest November 12: Early Access Grindcore, Dive Bar Toilets, Pop Punk Frontmen, and More

Added 2024-11-13 01:00:04 +0000 UTC

Grindcore Frontman with Writer’s Block Only Writing 19 Songs a Day

FORT WORTH, Texas — The lead singer of local grindcore band Razor Masturbator found his creative output drop dramatically after his debilitating writer’s block had him down to writing only 19 songs per day, bandmates have confirmed.

“I used to write 40 songs about desecrating corpses within 30 minutes, and these past two weeks I haven’t been able to crack 20 songs. I guess I’ve just been in a good mood lately and it’s really fucking up my ability to fit three minutes of lyrics within ten seconds,” said frontman Russel Conner. “It feels like I’m just screaming about the same shit. If I can’t get over this writer’s block I might have to do something drastic like get a full-time job. Maybe in order to convey how sick our capitalist society is I have to be a part of it. What the hell am I saying? I’m an artist dammit!”

Conner’s bandmates’ attempts to inspire him have so far been unsuccessful.

“I’m just the guy who plays three variations of blast beats but even I know Russel’s creative burnout could tank our momentum. Shit, our label expects four more albums by the beginning of 2025! I get writer’s block happens but nothing’s been able to inspire him, not even our weekly viewings of fucked up Eastern Eurpoean horror movies,” said Sid Garza. “I pitched this idea of a 43-track concept album of inhuman growls but he said he’d rather his mind stay blank than take suggestions from a drummer. Sorry for trying, asshole!”

The band’s label rep was not concerned, as he’d seen this exact scenario play out before.

“Russel and the band are in good hands. I developed a little retreat for our grindcore artists so they can rejuvenate their sound. Basically I just send ‘em to the middle of the woods and they’re subjected to the most brutal living conditions possible,” said A&R rep Jeff Skinner. “Once, Pig Destroyer was struggling with material so I had them all thrown in a hole, covered it with razor wire, and left them for six days. They came back to the studio and used the experience to record ‘Terrifyer,’ and the rest is history.”

Later, Russel had a burst of creativity and wrote 30 songs in an hour after finding out his reclusive aunt died and was eaten by her cats.

So a Part of Your Ass Just Touched the Dive Bar Toilet Seat—Here’s How To Make the Most of the Next Five Minutes Before It Falls Off

By Jordan Liffengren

Well, it looks like your worst fear has been realized: a portion of your bare ass has just grazed the dive bar toilet seat. While hovering over the blood-stained bowl, you slipped on a used condom and your knees buckled. It all happened so fast. You landed right onto three decade’s worth of caked on fecal matter, vomit, and unidentified bodily fluids. But you can’t blame yourself—your butt cheeks were drawn to it, like moths to a dusty porch light, or wraiths to the ring.

Don’t worry, there’s plenty you can do within the next five minutes before flesh-eating bacteria causes your butt to rot and fall off. Here are our top 10 go-to activities for the last few moments before you say “bye-bye” to your backside.

Hold a Zoom Vigil: Invite family and friends who will miss your absolute dump truck. Photos and videos are highly encouraged. May they remember it fondly.

Find an Online Mystic: Hypnosis is a powerful way to trick yourself into thinking your ass is still there. Life might feel somewhat normal, like living with a phantom limb.

Post a Thirst Trap: Take one last low-angle photo of your ass to memorialize it in all its glory. Post it to every social network, including LinkedIn. Your employers should know you’ll need a standing desk moving forward.

Prepare an Ice Bucket: It’s gonna fall clean off and land on the floor. You’ve gotta put it on ice before it starts rotting. Modern medicine has come so far—they might be able to reattach it to your body. At the very least, you can save it and sell it on Facebook Marketplace.

Boof a Rum and Coke: There’s no time better than now to drink some alcohol through your butthole. Might as well take the opportunity before it’s gone forever.

Hire a Caricature Artist: What better way to immortalize your fudge factory than with a silly caricature of it? They’ll be able to capture its essence and highlight cute details like the three moles on your right cheek that form the shape of Orion’s Belt.

Call Your Mom: This is an insanely good reason to call your mom. She’ll know what to do. Her decades-old healing method of chicken noodle soup, Sprite and Vicks VapoRub will make you feel better in no time.

Alert the Government: You might have some great benefits coming your way if you frame this properly. Injured at a public establishment? You’ll be swimming (without a butt, of course) in cash. This could be the lawsuit you’ve been dreaming of.

Sit on Grass: Find a small patch of grass to sit on with your bare ass. Some people say you can’t smell or taste anything through your anus, but now that your senses are heightened, who knows? Let your behind take it all in.

Let Your Partner Go For It: Most importantly, just let your partner go for it. Let them get up in there and motorboat the hell out of that cake — put a finger or five in the back door. Let them grab the ham hocks, slap the booty, hold a tea party on that dumper, whatever they can think of!

If you’re in need of further post-detachment resources, please reach out for recommendations on the following: guided ass therapists, prosthetic butts and glute support groups.

Report: Pop Punk Frontman’s High School Sweetheart Still in High School

By Dom Turek

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — 35-year-old pop punk singer Ross Calderon’s high school sweetheart is reportedly still in 10th grade, grossed-out sources confirmed.

“‘Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter,’” said Calderon, frontman of The Broken Swing Set Anthology. “This is a quote by my all-time favorite author on the politics of ageism, Mark Twain. I’ve never read anything else he’s ever written, but this quote resonated with me on a spiritual level. When people tell me that the age gap between me and my girlfriend is unethical, I tell them to sit and spin, because the second she’s legally able to rent a car in seven years, we’re out of this shit hole town for good.”

The couple’s friends and family are worried that the age gap could result in an unhealthy power dynamic where the teenager is groomed, used, and later discarded, but the teen insists there’s no cause for concern.

“Everyone needs to chill,” said high school sophomore, Hally Erickson, pulling on her cotton candy-flavored vape. “We all know that women are emotionally ten years older than their biological ages, and men are emotionally ten years younger than their biological ages, so we are both probably about 25 years old. He said he might even take me to their next show in Cleveland if I promise not to get jealous of other girls who hit on him.”

While the couple seems too engrossed in their dream of a “happily ever after” to listen to naysayers, relationship experts caution that a significant age gap often signifies deeper problems.

“There is a tendency for older men to prey on younger women, especially in towns with a heavy pop punk scene,” said relationship expert Donna Brady. “As you can imagine, Rochester is a hotbed for this kind of activity. Luckily these relationships don’t last long and usually come to an abrupt end once the woman’s frontal lobe has finished developing. Unfortunately, pop punk frontmen’s brains never fully form.”

At press time, Calderon was seen asking girls outside of the mall what colleges they planned to apply to.

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Unlike Your Childish Nostalgia for Outdated Garbage, I Am Engaging in A Mature Reevaluation of an Overlooked Classic

BY E. Alexander Zimmerman

As a child of the gaming line of Sony, house PlayStation, my childhood was rich with titles for the second generation console; a litany of incredible video-gaming experiences by which my young mind could be enthralled and engaged, rendering me a higher being than had I not encountered it. But the days that such thrills hit as hard as they did are long gone, instead we are left to sort through the memories of gaming titles to determine what was a truly fun experience.

There are some people whose experiences and childhood memories lead to them having embarrassingly incorrect memories of terrible games that have aged like absolute garbage. People will valorize the most redundant, obsolete nonsense on the entire planet while overlooking the truest gems of the era. You absolute fools, you imbeciles sing the praises of nonsense simulators like “Ratchet and Clank.” or “Sly Cooper”.

Boo! Boo, I say! Move forth! Play a REAL video game. Cease hiding behind your conventional classics or your baby-themed busy-box platformers like Crash Bandicoot. Find a title that is worth the critical eye of an evolved intellectual.

Perhaps a diamond in the rough, my highest recommendation of a carefully curated classical library of PlayStation 2 titles: “Pirates of the Caribbean: The Legend of Jack Sparrow” (2006). I first encountered this game in such a phase that I was quite simply, a boy. I played it day in and day out, not quite able to afford a memory card and pushing as far as I could each day before being conquered by the supernatural forces that blocked your way. While the gameplay may be a bit clunky for the very best that 2024 has to offer (but was surely groundbreaking for its day), the aura of the game and its sense of primordial terror and absolute godhood, wreaking havoc over the impoverished masses as a pirate of legend. It even trades in the darkest fables with the undead, terracotta soldiers and all manners of horrors that challenge not just your skill with a controller, but your absolute sanity.

It’s mixed-to-negative reviews on fraudulent hack meters like “MetaCritic” or some such nonsense are only a testament to the title’s genius. It has an energy that is reminiscent of the horrifying, eldritch horror of PlayStation 2018 favorite, “Bloodborne,” a title that is a spiritual sequel to the themes presented in this game. Truly, I think it is intellectually honest, if unpopular, to say that this is the genesis of the “Soulsborne” style video game. But they’d never admit it.

While you fools jump form platform to platform and clap your hands like seals, I will be venturing through the dark mind palace of one of our culture’s most disturbed pirates. A journey into his mind is sure to yield horrors, the truth of which will irreparably alter the way you engage with movie-tie-in video games.

‘British Bake Off’ Canceled as Katamari Rolls Away with Tent, Judges, Contestants

BY bee

BERKSHIRE, England — Channel 4 has announced the immediate cancellation of popular television program “The Great British Bake Off” following an on-set interruption by a massive sphere of trash.

“After fourteen and a half wonderful seasons, it’s with heavy hearts that we finally say goodbye to the tent and everyone still inside,” wrote series producer Ian Crumm in a post on social media. “I wish them all the best, the show may have ended but this is just the start of their journey. I feel so privileged to have had the opportunity to work with these future stars, and am especially blessed to have been home with the flu during filming last weekend.”

Celebrity baker and series judge Paul Hollywood discussed the cancellation during an interview while the ball rolled eastward.

“It took us all —————— by surprise. Prue —————— saw a tiny man —————— stealing muffins —————— but she chased —————— him out of the —————— tent. Later —————— during Technical —————— there was a loud —————— rumbling then —————— everything went —————— upside down. The —————— bakers are all —————— disappointed —————— but still friendly —————— cause it’s not like —————— they were going —————— to win anything —————— anyway.”

Charles Wright, board director of the Health and Safety Executive (HSE), condemned the broadcast company during a press conference Thursday.

“Their cavalier attitude is unacceptable. Make no mistake: this was an avoidable tragedy,” said Wright. “We warn Bake Off every year that filming in cozy, scenic locations risks unnecessary exposure to the Prince of All Cosmos. This is larger than a cooking competition now. There will be investigations into Channel 4’s negligent contribution to the displacement of three nearby villages.“

At press time, the BBC suspended eight programs after learning the next mission starts in a police department.