thehardtimes

Hard Digest November 11: Early Access Dave Grohl, Midwest Punks, and More

Added 2024-11-12 01:00:07 +0000 UTC

Dave Grohl Forced to Tell Second Family About Even Secreter Third Family

BANGOR, Maine — Foo Fighters singer Dave Grohl was left with no choice but to tell his second family about his even more confidential family, confirmed sources wondering how many others he had.

“The other day, out of the blue, Dave dropped the bombshell. I just never saw it coming,’” said the anonymous woman who is the mother of Grohl’s new baby outside of his marriage. “He told me everything. And I was gutted. I mean, this is a man who said I was special. Well, he whispered it because his wife was in the next room. But still, people always say ‘he’s a rockstar, you should have expected this.’ But I’ll be honest, I didn’t know he was a rockstar when we met. Plus, since when have guys in bands been unfaithful to their mistresses? Disrespectful.”

Grohl’s newest partner Gwyneth Killdare had a much calmer take on the situation.

“As long as it’s just me, and his child’s mother, and the mother of his other children, and maybe a few others sprinkled in here and there in the future, I’m ok with it,” claimed Killdare. “Love is a complex thing. And so is monogamy. It’s not like there are rules about it, and it can be especially tricky when you’re married. I just assumed he was polyamorous or, at worst, a douchebag. Seems like Dave can’t catch a break. I don’t want to make things harder for him than he has already made it for himself.”

Grohl appeared to have his reasons for the handful of extramarital affairs.

“Honestly, my wife and I have a special arrangement where I can cheat on her, even though we’ve never really discussed it with each other. It was more implied, I think,” Grohl explained. “This isn’t new. It’s been going on for years. You know those kids I bring on stage to play with the Foo Fighters? Those are my other secret children. That’s how I spend time with them. I mean, Mick Jagger has eight children with five women. I’m trying to go for the record. Only a few more to go.”

At press time, Grohl was forced to tell his family about his secret dog that he’s owned for years.

Opinion: This Band Is Hands Down the Worst Shit I’ve Ever Heard and You Couldn’t Pay Me to Ever Listen to Them Again, Good People Though!

By Chris Bowen

So last night, they had their monthly metal show down at Reese’s Rock Quarry and there was this band called Gorelick, right? Holy shit were they awful. I mean like, probably the worst band I’ve ever seen in all my years of going to that shit hole bar. I hated every second of it, seriously. The Gorelick dudes are super nice guys though.

They had a fucking xylophone player. How cool and unique huh? Wow. It was fucking terrible. It sounded like “Knick-Knack Paddy-Whack” but mixed with Six Feet Under and Staind. I talked to the guy playing it, Alex, after their set though and he was super cool. We talked about cool shit like old-school wrestling and Sega games for like an hour.

They call their vocalist “Jimmers,” apparently. I was actually tempted to go up on stage and ask him if he was doing okay. I couldn’t help but feel torn between embarrassment and anger and felt like the only way out of his situation would be stopping the set immediately by setting off the fire alarm system or something. Jim’s old band Corpse Huffer was legendary though. He’s helped actually keep the scene alive for the last decade or so. He’s good shit.

Dale, Gorelick’s guitarist, has also been an integral part of the scene for decades. He was actually the guy who put on the benefit show for my dog who needed an emergency operation on his kidneys, and I’ll forever be grateful for him. But my god does he suck at guitar. I mean, it’s like he’s trying to break the record for the amount of recycled Celtic Frost riffs crammed into a 3 minute song.

I talked to their drummer after the show a bit too. He said he really appreciated how much fun it looked like I was having. He mentioned how it looked like I was laughing pretty much the entire set and the whole band was vibing from it. I told him “nice set,” gave his band a “follow” on Bandcamp, and we went our separate ways. He was a really cool dude.

Aside from the awful shit music that the garbage band was playing, the show was a good time! Maybe someday I’ll be able to enjoy these types of things with a partner. My last relationship was with someone who had absolute dog shit taste in music. Good people though, I miss her.

Midwest Punk Returns Missing Wallet with More Money Than When He Found It

By Ben Friedman

CHICAGO — A tourist’s evening was saved after a local Midwest crust punk was nice enough to return their missing wallet and even added more money than when it was found, onlookers confirmed.

“I found this guy’s wallet on the bathroom floor next to me as I was waking up, and I figured oh gosh his night’s going to be a bit spoiled if I don’t get this to him. I asked around and sure enough the bouncer saw him step outside, so I threw a 20 spot in there for his troubles and got it to him right before he started canceling his cards,” said punk Dan Kapowki. “I figured he’d need a beer or three after a scare like that! I could tell he was surprised, but out here we don’t believe in fucking people up in the pit.”

Paul Johnson, the owner of the missing wallet, was admittedly confused by how helpful Kapowski had been.

“I know I shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but my life did flash before my eyes seeing a 6 ‘4” man with a mohawk and a tattered battle vest sprinting towards me out of a darkened dive bar. The last thing I expected was having my wallet returned with a better return on investment than my own bank. I thought there was going to be a catch, but he was genuinely concerned! What the hell is this place?” said Johnson. “I’m from New York, so I’m used to the type of people who’d step over me should I get hit by a car. He even gave me three Chicago hardcore bands to name in case anyone stopped me and asked. What a guy!”

The bar’s owner knew Kapowki would instinctively do the right thing, as his behavior was ingrained in the city’s punk scene.

“Unlike the coastal elitists, the only competition out here is with Milwaukee and Detroit punks over who hates cops more. If someone needs a hand loading in equipment for a show or a chance to deface government property, we pitch in,” said Mark Franklin. “Last winter when the neighborhood got snowed in, Dan and a few others took some speed and had the whole block shoveled out before the plows arrived. Don’t ask me how he found that $20, but I hope the guy who got his wallet back pays it forward.”

At press time, Kapowski offered to help drive Johnson back to his hotel with a police cruiser he’d just broken into and hotwired.

Nirvana “MTV Unplugged in New York” Songs Ranked by a Millennial Who Still Thinks Their Opinions on Nirvana Make Them Unique

25 Punk Albums Turning 25 This Year That All Turned Out to Be Viruses When You Downloaded Them From Napster On Your Dad’s Work Computer

Opinion: Sega Genesis Is Way Better Than Sega Phil Collins’ Solo Stuff

BY Gary Kerls

While there’s no denying that his music dominated the charts with pop hits and adult contemporary bops, there is an argument to be made that Sega Genesis had a far greater impact on music and video games than Sega Phil Collins’ solo endeavors.

In the early 1980s Sega Enterprises was on the top of their game, surpassing a company valuation of $200 million, and this is before the formation of the esteemed super-group, Sega Genesis. Composed of icons like Sega Anthony Phillips, Sega Peter Gabriel, and the ubiquitous Sega Phil Collins, the group churned out banger after banger like the Green Hill Zone Theme, and Land of Confusion.

It was truly a golden era, where 16-bit musical instrumentation met the pop-rock fusion of the 1980s. A period in time where you couldn’t turn on the radio without hearing the dulcet tones of Sega Genesis performing their iconic startup sound “Seeeeegaaaa.” The chorus of digital voices had more than an Invisible Touch on the listening generation.

However the good times were not sustainable as the group, along with Sega Enterprises, entered the latter half of the 1990s. After both critical and commercial failures of projects like the Sega Saturn and the final studio album, Calling All Stations, the band decided to call it quits, followed soon after by the halting of console production in Japan.

Bound and determined to stay in the limelight, Sega Phil Collins shed the video game namesake and continued releasing music as ‘Phil Collins.’ Leaning into the mainstream by producing the soundtracks for two Disney animated films – “Tarzan” and “Brother Bear” – the former Sega Genesis drummer solidified his reputation as a capitalistic corporate media sellout.

Eventually, in 2017, the band reunited sans “Sega” for one final world tour. Another cash grab for Collins that at least resulted in a proper farewell for the rest of the group. And now, in 2024, the possibility of a second reunion is being rumored, Collins continues to bore audiences with hits like In The Air Tonight, a song that needlessly teases the audience towards a lackluster drum breakdown climax.

I believe that Collins has etched his name into the footnotes of popular culture, while Genesis, like the first book of the bible, will live on in the hearts of music and video game lovers alike, for generations to come.

40-Year-Old Gamer Hoping Photographing High School Students Not Integral to RPG’s Gameplay

BY Corey Arder

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local gamer Derek Robinson has become increasingly concerned while playing ‘Persona Non Grata: Heaven’s Light Hell’s Power,’ as the game’s tutorial seemed very focused on photographing the characters the game was going out of its way to remind him are meant to be high school students.

“You know, a lot of games have screenshotting or photography as a mechanic, I didn’t think anything of it. Then one of the girls started blushing the closer my lens got to her skirt’s hemline, and…I mean I know they’re drawings voiced by adults, but if someone saw me playing this, they could very easily get the wrong idea,” Robinson commented. “I really wish I didn’t check that box to send anonymized gameplay information to the developers. At least, I hope it’s anonymized.”

Head of Publishing for Atlast Studios, Akihiko Tanaka assured fans that there is nothing prurient or strange going on.

“We make games for people of all ages,” the 65-year old executive assured gamers, “and I can assure any fans: grown men taking photos of high school girls has a long, storied tradition! Why just yesterday, I took my camera up to—”

The call was abruptly cut off and the company declined to clarify further statements.

Gaming critic and sociology professor Anthony Nixon expounded on the blurry line that the game toes.

“Despite the teenage characters being drawn no different from the adult characters save for height,” remarked Nixon, “and dialog more reminiscent of college students, or early adults trying to recall what high school was like, the game nevertheless is set in a prestigious high school known as Kō Seiseki Kōkō Academia and the students seem to be a lot of the focus, despite the back of the box promising demonic entities and mystical adventures. There is one creative solution that gamers might try: just mentally age the characters to college, since they all talk about their futures in such absolute terms anyway. And maybe keep your door locked whenever you play it.”

At press time, Robinson stated that he had just purchased the recent “Silent Hill 2” remake, noting that it sounded like a meditative, peaceful experience with no objectionable content, whatsoever.