Hard Digest November 10: Early Access Slayer, Mike Patton, Mixing, and More

Middle-Aged Man Wearing Slayer Shirt Automatically Prescribed Hypertension Medicine Upon Walking Into Doctor’s Office

By Steve Packosky 

DALLAS — Local middle-aged Slayer fan Doug Ulner was immediately prescribed medication to address his presumed high blood pressure upon his entrance to Southwest Dallas Medical Practitioners, sources report.

“Yeah, I have no idea what that was about,” the 44-year-old Ulner wheezed while scaling the 12 steps at the building’s entrance. “As soon as I walked in, a doctor who happened to be standing near the waiting room just handed me a bottle of something called ‘Lisinopril.’ I haven’t been to a doctor in over twenty years, and I’m only here because my wife begged me to book an appointment, so I guess I’ll start taking this medicine. I just don’t understand what it is about my appearance that made that doctor think I need it.”

Dr. Shameca Thurgood explained why she prescribed the medication so quickly.

“I was speaking to Daryl in reception when I saw a red-faced man wearing a ‘Hell Awaits’ shirt burst through our front entrance, and I knew exactly what his medical condition was,” Thurgood offered. “There’s a specific combination of poor diet, sedentary lifestyle, and exposure to over-stimulating music that leaves Slayer fans in particular much more susceptible to hypertension than, say, Sleep or Candlemass fans once they hit middle-age. I have a lot of patients today, and it would just be a waste of time to go through the motions with getting this guy’s height and weight. The medical attention he needs is patently obvious just from looking at him.”

Nicole Sanders, spokesperson for the American Heart Association, provided further insight

“Situations like this are actually indicative of recent measures that are being considered by the AHA,” Sanders said. “Certain music tastes, along with diet, lifestyle, genetics, and congenital heart conditions, are going to be listed as potential risk factors for hypertension and even Type 2 diabetes. We can simply no longer pretend that a middle-aged Neutral Milk Hotel fan runs the same risk as some oldhead who listens to Deicide. Alerting the public to this can save lives, and we’re looking to roll out this initiative as soon as possible.”

At press time, a second middle-aged patient wearing a Megadeth “Youthanasia” shirt was automatically prescribed Cialis upon entering the same office.

Help! Mike Patton Summoned Eagles With His Screech to Attack Me and I’m Legally Not Allowed to Fight Them Off

By Sidney Conant 

I’ve been a fan of Mike Patton my entire life, and I was ready to do absolutely anything to have the man be witness to the screaming love I feel for him in my heart. So a few months back when I got to attend my first ever Mr. Bungle show, I put on my “Californication” t-shirt to make it happen. “Californication” the Red Hot Chili Peppers album, not the TV show, just so we’re clear.

It was midway through “Vanity Fair” when our eyes met, and a sly smile crept across his face. I could tell he understood that I was just giving him a hard time for that old feud he had with Anthony Kiedis, and I think joking about it kind of made us friends. That’s what I thought, anyway, until he hit that shrieking C5 note on the word “CUT!” that sent a swarm of eagles down from the ether to rip into my weak, pasty body. But I knew better than to try and fight them off, because even I’m not dumb enough to go against the Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act of 1940.

Since then, my life has been falling to pieces. My boss gave me permission to work from home, but these legally protected hellspawns destroyed my webcam and ate half of my keys. I can’t copy and paste anymore, and there’s already someone lined up to replace me—I supposedly train him next week.

I don’t even remember the last time I saw my wife. She obviously had no problem watching me get eaten alive on a regular basis, but it turns out that having raptors start a family in our apartment was simply too much for her. Something about “not being ready for motherhood.” The little guys haven’t hatched yet, but the worst part is I’ll have “Egg” off of Mr. Bungle’s self-titled album stuck in my head until they do.

I just want this to stop.

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service won’t disturb these birds from what they’re calling their “newfound habitat,” and my local Congressman doesn’t have the balls to introduce an amendment to this Act to help me out.

I’ve played for these flying assholes tracks from Mike Patton’s entire discography—including “Birdsong,” which I thought for sure would do the trick—but I’ve had no such luck, not even with live recordings. Maybe they’ll listen to vinyl.

Or maybe I’ll just have to try and recreate his proprietary brand of vocal magic myself if I can’t scrounge up enough cash to see him again someday and beg for him to lift this awful curse.

But until I figure that out, I’m afraid I’ll just have to cry myself to sleep each night, hoping my wails can help unlock some extra octaves.

115th Final Mix Ready for Car Test

By Robert John Scucci 

NEW YORK – Members of Tomorrow’s Yesterday reluctantly confirmed that band leader Simon Martinez is absolutely 100 percent without a doubt sure that the 115th final Pro Tools mix is ready for the infamous car test, suggesting the band’s debut EP is finally entering phase two of mixing.

“It’s been a long time coming, but I’m confident that we can drop our first single by fall 2025,” said Martinez while purchasing a new suite of plugins with his credit card. “Sure, tracking was finalized a long time ago, but you can only make your first album once. Writing songs is one thing, but mixing is a whole other art form that requires patience, finesse, discipline, and dedication if you want to do it right. I know the guys are fed up with the process, but they’ll understand once they hear the final product. Tomorrow’s Yesterday is just getting started. But for now, it’s time to pop this baby in the aux of my 2008 CR-V.”

Frustrated lead guitarist Tommy Holdsworth has his doubts about Martinez actually pulling the trigger and finishing the album any time soon.

“It’s been three fucking years,” Holdsworth stated while scrolling endlessly in disbelief through a batch of session bounces titled “new final kick drum levels (final for real this time).” “I don’t even think anybody knows we’re still a band. And when the album finally does come out, I’m gonna have to relearn every single part because I’m not the fucking Rain Man. I’m also pretty sure he mixed the entire thing with his AirPods, so the car test is going to be a real eye-opener when he finally gets around to it.”

Studio owner and friend of the band Gary Lumens is willing to help Martinez see the project through for a nominal fee.

“For $500, I can have this thing flipped and radio-ready in a week. Most musicians have trouble letting outside parties work on their projects, but at what cost? I knew this project was in deep shit when Simon hit me up for advice on ‘balancing the compression of the delay trails.’ When I asked him how he approached the gain staging, his eyes completely glazed over as if I just asked him to crack the Enigma Code. Best case scenario, he wastes another year trying to get it right and seeks out a proper mix anyway.”

At press time, Martinez was spotted Googling “how to make guitar sound good free.”

Guy Who Thinks Protesters Should Be Assaulted by Cops Gets Rebel Alliance Tattoo

BY Jonah Nink 

CHICAGO — Local Krav Maga instructor Keith Moore was seen posing with his new Rebel Alliance tattoo at a police union’s protest management training event, sources report. 

“I love the rebel alliance and what they stand for, almost as much as I love seeing body armor-clad riot police flog student protestors who disrupt our nation’s security,” said Moore. “Every time I see one of our boys in blue pepper spray a group of young activists or detain a teenager for calling them names, I get a wild rush. It’s like watching Luke Skywalker fight Darth Vader. Those ANTIFA scum have the media on their side! All police have are their wits, body armor, rubber bullets, real bullets and surplus military vehicles. It’s a tough fight, but like Han Solo said, “never tell me the odds!”

Police Union Rep Duncan Dugan says Moore is a regular at police union events despite having never served with the police or the military. 

“Keith comes to our events all the time! He’s always talking about Star Wars and how riot police are like real Jedi,” Dugan said. “The guy is a movie buff! This week it was the rebel alliance tattoo, but last week he showed up to our ‘Tear Gas and You’ seminar with a White Tree of Gondor tattoo from Lord of the Rings. He said George Soros is Sauron, the protesters are the orcs and the police are noble rangers of Gondor. I bet it would be fun to see a movie with Ketih. Whenever we have a speaker come in to talk about how it’s better to shoot to kill than maim, he starts to clap and cheer. We love his energy!”

Tattoo artist Taylor Mayo says they didn’t learn Moore had never been to the same tattoo artist twice until after working on his Rebel Alliance tattoo. 

“I fucking hate that guy,” said Mayo. “He spent half the session talking about different choke holds he knew how to do. I do Rebel Alliance tattoos all the time, they’re the McChicken of the tattoo world, but at least the people who ask for them have seen and understand Star Wars. I think Keith has seen Star Wars, but I doubt he would understand anything that isn’t explained to him via a YouTube video of a guy ranting in his truck. I’ve also never seen someone cry so much while getting a tattoo either.”

At press time, Moore announced his next tattoo will honor fictional underdog Judge Dredd.