Hard Digest November 5: Election Coverage and Early Access Articles

Trump Makes Final Appeal to Voters “If You Don’t Vote For Me I’ll Fucking Kill You”

By The Hard Times Staff 

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — Former President Trump made a last-minute appeal to all potential voters with a simple message: “If you don’t vote for me I’ll fucking kill you,” confirmed multiple witnesses thirsty for blood.

“Today is the big day, people. What a day it is, time to go out there and vote for the future of our great country. I want everyone out there to know, and I’m dead serious when I say this, some people think I’m joking around, but I’m not. If you do not vote for Donald. J. Trump then I personally murder you with my bare hands,” said Trump. “If that communist, low IQ, son of a bitch Santa Claus can deliver gifts to millions of children in one night, then surely I am capable of killing just as many people in cold blood all because they voted against me. I might beat some people with a club, I might strangle others while watching the light drain from their eyes, all I know is the only way to be safe is to make sure I have your vote.”

Die-hard Trump supporters offered their help to the former president.

“This is a big job and President Trump should not have to do this alone. The pigs in my town confiscated three of my guns, but they don’t know I still have at least 15 more and enough ammo to last me until the Rapture,” said Georgia resident Clive Thelen. “If my president needs help killing radical liberals then it is my duty to serve by his side and exact justice on anyone that participated in this rigged democratic system. All he needs to do is tell me which way to aim and I’ll take care of the rest. God is on our side.”

Members of the media were quick to downplay Trump’s threats.

“This is just Trump being Trump. Despite his repeated assurances that he isn’t joking, and a 20-minute demonstration of different ways he intends on killing people, it’s pretty clear this is all just hyperbole,” said CNN anchor Jim Acosta. “What we need right now is to hear from the Harris campaign. We need her to stand up as a leader and tell the people how she will prevent voters from being murdered at the hands of President Trump, if she can’t do that then it will be tough for her to get to 270 Electoral College votes.”

At press time, Trump was being shown on a live feed repeatedly pointing at the camera and making the throat slash hand gesture.

Fuck! I Sent Postcards Encouraging People to Vote and All of Them Voted for Howie Mandel

By Joe Matheson

There is power in sending out postcards to encourage people to vote. They say in 2020 the number of postcards sent out in some swing states significantly affected the election. Considering the incredibly close race that the media wants us to believe, I decided to do my part and turn my election postcard writing into a passion. I spent months drafting encouraging words to go out and vote, as well as hosting multiple postcard-writing parties that had a ton of energy and contribution. In all, I am proud to say that I wrote a grand total of 1,973 postcards!

So it came as a massive shock to me and the rest of the world that those postcard recipients all voted for comedian and TV personality Howie Mandel.

As I watched the election results roll in, a significant number of people from Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Georgia wrote in Mandel. 1,973 people to be exact! I was appalled. CNN anchors couldn’t explain how this occurred. Jesse Waters couldn’t stop laughing and quoted “Bobby’s World” for way longer than anyone cared for.

I’m not sure how this could have happened. In none of my postcards did I ever say anything about Howie Mandel. I obviously talked about the main candidates and the most pressing issues facing our country. There was one night when I wrote 476 postcards that said “Voting is as easy as hitting a buzzer. You might be the deciding factor. Go fill out your ‘Golden Ballot’” and another night where I said “Vote Harris. I promise she’s not bullshitting you like Trump.” Maybe there was some subliminal messaging when I told people “America’s got talent, and Trump is trying to stifle it.” Anyway, I think I got my point across.

I just hope my efforts don’t swing the election.

Reflecting, I should have known better about the national electorate and their affinity towards mid-2000s game show hosts. I don’t think that people realize that Howie isn’t even American. I guess I did see a shirt the other day saying “If a felon can run for president, so can a Canadian.” Ugh, maybe I should have just been more blunt and just put down things like “Kamala = Deal, Donald = No Deal.”

Opinion: I Destroyed a Bunch of Ballot Drop Boxes So No One Can Interfere in this Election

By Bobby Korec 

This is the most important election in our lifetime and I’ll be damned if every vote isn’t counted fair and square and for the side that I want to win.

According to my independent research my family just keeps referring to as “confirmation bias,” voter fraud is rampant in this country. That’s why we need heroes like me who can push over a ballot drop box, rough it up with a baseball bat, and then light the contents of it on fire. All for the sake of democracy.

Last election, we saw a record turnout of fake voters. I heard there could have been as many as 14 incidents of fraud throughout the entire nation. That doesn’t sound like a lot on the surface, but I’m sure it’s enough to sway the Electoral College and plunge our country into abject tyranny of which the world has never seen before.

Sure, is voter fraud extremely rare according to so-called reputable news sources and probably not worth the five-year prison sentence you get if you’re caught? No one knows for sure. But is it a problem for which everyday civilians should take matters into their own hands and stop anyone who tries to vote through a technically legal method? Hell yes.

And it’s surprisingly easy to take down a ballot drop box. I eliminated a good six before lunch while eight beers deep. At this rate, I can single-handedly put an end to voter fraud and even voter suppression. No one should be allowed to vote unless it is through a means that I personally approve of.

Besides, voting was a whole lot simpler when we had to go to an elementary school and stand in line for five hours to cast our ballot on a machine that was invented in like 1920 and hasn’t been enhanced in any capacity whatsoever since. Even the little lever and curtain mechanism makes the patriotism feel more real.

After all, destroying ballot drop boxes is what the Founding Fathers would’ve wanted. I would know as someone who once skimmed the first few paragraphs of the Constitution.

Friend Who Doesn’t Care About Politics Only Watching Election Coverage for the Commercials

By R. Anthony Mahan 

PORTLAND, Maine — Local apolitical friend Bryce Flowers admitted that he is only watching the 2024 election coverage for the commercials, confirmed sources who were ashamed to say they were doing the same.

“Yeah, I don’t know anything about politics-ball, but I can’t wait to see the new Doritos’ commercial. I heard Paul Rudd is going to be in it this year. That guy elevates every corporate advertisement,” said Flowers while giving a standing ovation after watching an ad for Progressive car insurance. “There was a pretty great Geico one earlier. It had a camel walking around an office asking people what day it was because he wanted everyone to say it’s hump day. You know, since camels have humps. I mean, how do they come up with stuff? Truly Hemingway-esque advertising writers at Geico. Anyway, I’m not even sure who’s playing this year in the election. I just hope it’s a good match.”

Friends of Flowers wondered why they invited him to their watch party in the first place.

“Bryce was more excited about seeing Jake From State Farm on screen than Wolf Blitzer. I kind of get that part, but still,” said longtime friend Anna Gregerson. “This is the most important election of our lifetime or until the next one and this guy is more interested in hearing a narrator who sounds like Tom Selleck recite the side effects of Cialis. It’s like he thinks he’s better than everyone by not caring. Deep down, I’m almost jealous of his civic apathy, but on the other hand, he’s getting a little too pumped for a Rocket Mortgage ad. I do not want to be that dense.”

Experts believed news networks were planning to cater more to the politically inept demographic.

“The presidential election is the Super Bowl of politics,” said media strategist Lilly Tulane. “Media outlets are even considering adding an election halftime show to appeal to the governmentally uninterested. MSNBC is already thinking ahead and has revealed that Usher is scheduled to play their election halftime show in 2028. It’s going to be a ratings bonanza.”

At press time, Flowers was seen completely zoned out on his phone as Anderson Cooper called results for New Hampshire on television.

Alanis Morissette Updates “Ironic” to Include Line About How the Only Hot Member of Limp Bizkit Wears a Mask

By John Danek 

OTTAWA, Ontario — Beloved ‘90s singer-songwriter Alanis Morissette updated her classic song “Ironic” to highlight the absurdity that the only attractive member of Limp Bizkit, guitarist Wes Borland, frequently wears masks or face paint, her record label announced.

“I was chilling on the couch watching Rig Rundown videos when I saw Wes Borland’s face for the first time- dude is a fuckin’ dime piece! It’s a crime against humanity that he wears a mask,” opined Morissette, who last updated a song to add reference to texting via Motorola Razr into “Hand in my Pocket.” “Let’s just say the irony was not lost on me. All performances moving forward will contain the line, and the song will be re-recorded. And I swear to God if you little shits start saying that this isn’t ironic either, I’ll cut you.”

Borland, longtime masked guitarist of nu metal stalwarts Limp Bizkit, was apparently taken aback by the shoutout.

“This song is making my life really weird really quickly. Now I have a bunch of Gen-Xers sending me messages asking if I want to come over for some ‘Murphy Brown and chill,’” said Borland, who for years struggled with the image of being Limp Bizkit’s token talented member. “I had all my locks changed on my house, and I’m having all my masks changed just for safe measure. I’m filing a restraining order. And Fred has been supportive by sending me demos of Alanis diss tracks. They are heinously offensive, and none of them could be released after the year 2003. But it’s the thought that counts.”

People Magazine, creators of the annual Sexiest Man Alive feature, offered their thoughts on the hunks of the nu metal genre.

“Nu metal dudes are generally ugly as fuck, so when a genuine looker comes around we take notice,” stated Kelly Bloom, editor-in-chief of People Magazine. “Our list of the sexiest nu metal musicians was short lived from 1999-2001. Wes Borland topped it every time, followed by Wayne Static. No one could resist those locks. After that, it was pretty slim pickings. I dare you to try to write a convincing blurb about how you want to fuck Munky from Korn or the flat earther from Deftones. It’s impossible.”

Fellow singer-songwriter titan Tracy Chapman is rumored to be considering updating her hit “Fast Car” with a line about how thankful she is to not be riding in a Cybertruck.

Deal Alert! This Man On Craigslist Is Giving Out Free Massages

By Rob Steinberg 

It’s time we start to take better care of ourselves. We walk around with tense muscles that affect our blood circulation, stress, and proper posture. Many of us are still recovering from injuries and genetic issues that require physical therapy, but these ailments go untreated for years. These problems don’t have to be ignored if you look in the right places.

Thankfully we are finally able to bring you a solution. Craigslist still offers plenty of great deals. You have photographers offering free photo shoots to aspiring nude models, fancy high rise apartments sold cheap for people willing to send over their social security numbers, and to many people’s surprise, free physical therapy as well.

This altruistic man doesn’t seem to have a name, just a cryptic email address, and a poorly lit selfie where his face is obscured by Oakley sunglasses and a poorly maintained goatee. Not only is he providing free massages, but the description states that he is looking to test out new techniques to anyone who is open-minded! This is clearly an expert who knows more than the average masseuse! He also appears to be a teacher as well because he said he will be streaming the session online as well. Where was this guy after we drove our car into Lubbock Pond and fucked up our back?

The average going rate for a massage is about $90, and that doesn’t include a tip. This man is saving you a hundred dollars per visit! You still should tip him regardless as he is such a good samaritan for helping people in pain find relief. He clearly also needs the money because he has to perform the services from his studio apartment. But that’s what happens when you put volunteering over profits. As a society we could do so much better, this is a man who should not live in squalor, but should be able to provide his massages comfortably from his beachside home.

We can almost guarantee that the shadowy forces behind “Big Massage” are going to try to shut this man down. We recommend everyone act fast and receive a free massage while they still can. Act now by messaging anything labeled “—★FReE M@sSAGes★–” on your local Craigslist website.

Are these kinds of services also on Facebook Marketplace? Who knows, only weirdos go on that crap of a website now.

Man With $90,000 Chevy Pickup Accuses Cybertruck Owner of Being Ridiculous

By Rob Ryder

RICHMOND, Va. — Trey Bollinger, proud owner of a $91,273 Chevy Silverado 3500 HD, accused Tesla Cybertruck owners of being “totally fucking ridiculous,” confirmed sources wearing wrap-around sunglasses.

“I can’t imagine how big of an asshole you have to be just to walk into a Tesla dealership and agree to give half of your paycheck a month for a vehicle that looks like it’s made of aluminum foil,” said Bollinger while filming the latest in a series of videos for his eight followers online. “Sure, I pay three-quarters of my paycheck a month for my pickup, but not one of these battery-powered ‘trucks’ will ever be taken off-road like I did that one time four years ago. They’re just junk, probably break down the second you get them near a gravel road. My friend Donnie said they’re pretty fast off the line, but we’ll see how fast they are after I get $5,000 together for a new turbocharger.”

Cybertruck owner Chad Westerlund is puzzled by the hate he receives on a near daily basis while driving his new vehicle around town.

“Man, people really fucking hate this thing. I’m not talking Ford vs Chevy, I’m talking real visceral hate,” said Westerlund while plugging his truck into a free public charging station. “A guy in a pickup yesterday told me to ‘go back to Russia.’ I quickly reminded him that Tesla Cybertrucks are made in Texas by a company owned by Donald Trump’s biggest cheerleader. We’re getting ridiculed by the pickup owners daily. I’m all for free speech, unless it’s used to attack me or Elon Musk personally.”

Salesman Martin Darling of Pitman Chevy still believes that sticking with American brands is the only way to go.

“This is not just about choosing a quality vehicle, this is about supporting your country by buying a product that is assembled of approximately 62% American-made parts,” said Darling before pausing to approve a 10-year loan for a used Chevy Traverse. “The trucks we sell have features that no Tesla vehicle could ever offer, like a 28-gallon fuel tank, custom installed MagnaFlow Exhaust, and dual DieHard Platinum series batteries for extra cranking amps. I don’t know what any of this actually means, but the pickup truck community is willing to spend top dollar the more buzzwords I use.”

At press time, pickup truck-owning sources claimed that plugging in a Cybertruck to charge it was absolutely ridiculous while forking over $150 to fill up their gas tanks.

DOOM Now Playable in Voting Booths to Commiserate Democracy’s Approaching Demise

BY Nick Coffman 

NEW YORK. – U.S. voters flooded with anxiety over the impending doom of the nation will face another kind of doom this election day when they discover their voting booths are fully equipped with a playable version of DOOM.

Interviewed outside of his polling place earlier this morning, modder, DOOM3DF3LL0VV, confirmed getting the 1993 classic shooter working on all voting booths was his handy work and something he thought his fellow voters needed.

“I thought we all needed something to help blow off some steam before things potentially got weird. I thought Doom would be better than just sobbing uncontrollably in the booth,” DOOM3DF3LLOVV said, wearing his ‘I Voted’ sticker. “Kill some Mars demons and then vote for president of the free world, be it the person who will move us forward, or the person who can barely string together a thought, let alone get through the first level of Doom.” 

DOOM3DF3LL0VV, on edge about the election, committed to remaining at his polling place until everyone in line had a chance to play DOOM in a voting booth.

“I know there’s a lot of animosity toward undecided voters, I want to let them know I am here for them, I’m not here to judge,” DOOM3DF3LL0VV said outside of his polling place. “I know how hard decision making is for them, so I made the decision to equip all the booths with mouse and keyboards. No deciding between keyboard and gamepad, I’ve cut the hard part out. Get in there and play Doom for as long as you need, while you try to make up your mind. Play it again if you’re still unsure by the time the credits roll.”

Election Officials are preparing for violence and long lines throughout the day. Francis Harold, 72, a poll worker has some tips for anxious voters.

“Once you’re in the booth you have all the time in the world. Speed through Doom or take it slow, but please keep the noise to a minimum as to not distract other voters,” Harold shared, wearing a DOOM 3 t-shirt. “Please do not give food and drink to voters in line, you will be tased. Each booth will come with a warm bottle of Mountain Dew. Do drink the Dew in the booth, don’t take a stranger’s Dew. Lastly, remember to stay in line. No matter how long the line gets we want each and every one of you to play Doom and vote.”

At press time DOOM3DF3LL0VV had been tased and arrested for handing out dixie cups of Mountain Dew: Code Red to voters waiting in line. 

“Backyard Baseball ’97” Lets Gamers Live Out the Fantasy of One Day Owning a Backyard

BY Gary Kerls 

CHICAGO — Reviews of the recent “Backyard Baseball ‘97” re-release have revealed gamers are much less interested in the game itself, and more interested in the wish fulfillment of one day owning a backyard. 

“After being on hiatus for almost 10 years, we couldn’t have hoped for a warmer welcome back,” said Lindsay Barnett, CEO of Playground Productions, “What we didn’t expect was the longing these young adults have for one day owning land.”

Overwhelmingly positive reviews of the game praise the developers commitment to maintaining the 1990s desktop gameplay, art style, and iconic characters, but always return to the imagined pleasures of owning a home. 

“Back in ‘97 I played this game and fantasized about making it to the big leagues one day,” says local millennial Steve Petersen. “But now, as an adult, I play the game and fantasize about making enough money to ever be able to own a backyard and host neighborhood kids in Sandlot-esque baseball games. Maybe I could even get a big ol’ dog that looks scary but is really a sweet-hearted softie, like James Earl Jones did in the movie. My rental only allows fish and birds.”

One expert noted that  a recent phenomenon has emerged where gamers’ nostalgia is not for the games themselves, but the comforting, upper middle-class lifestyle that they had when they last played the game.

“Deep rooted nostalgia seems to be directly linked to an economically comfortable upbringing,” says DePaul Sociology Professor, Monica Waters. “Playing on a 1997 DELL computer that runs games at 10 FPS was, for some, the closest they’ll ever get to living the American Dream. The inability to afford anything today causes these young individuals to mentally recede back to a point in time when they didn’t understand how money worked at all.”

“My colleagues and I have dubbed this sociological trend ‘Oblivious Nostalgia,’” said Professor Waters, “which is defined as being in a state of longing for the blissful ignorance one possessed as a privileged child.”

At press time, the upcoming Backyard Sports slate will try to capitalize on this unique phenomenon with such titles as “Backyard Builder,” “Backyard Tycoon,” and “Backyard: The Retirement Years.”