Hard Digest November 3: Early Access Soul Patches, Tour Riders, and More

Friends Stage Emergency Intervention Over Man’s Refusal to Shave Soul Patch

By Ben Friedman 

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local man Greg Wachowski was surprised by an intense and emotional intervention regarding his refusal to shave his soul patch, concerned friends have confirmed.

“It’s been a tumultuous evening, but it was a long time coming. Ever since Greg grew this soul patch he’s become a different person, and we have to tell him point-blank how fucking stupid he looks. He’s tried to convince us he’s going for ‘edgy nu-metal frontman’ but he looks like a creepy magician. Not sure which is worse,” said intervention organizer Jane Williams. “He’s not taking it well, especially about how we don’t want to be seen with him in public. We can’t force him to get rid of it, but without help this will be a slippery slope to unironically wearing a fedora or bowling shirts with flames on them.”

Wachowski could not help but feel like he was being attacked over what was simply a personal choice.

“Rocking this soul patch isn’t a problem. The real problem is my so-called ‘friends’ lying about hosting a Korn karaoke night only to cry at me about my grooming habits. I like the soul patch, OK? I can’t have fun without it and it makes me feel invincible. And I can shave it off any time I want to, dammit,” said Wachowski after locking himself in the bathroom. “But no, I gotta be ballbusted about how I look like a villain from a bad ‘90s action movie, as if that were a bad thing. I don’t care that my brother is uninviting me to Thanksgiving, I’m not buying a razor. I’m totally in control of my facial hair!”

Intervention resource groups acknowledged that cringe-inducing style choices can impact lives similarly to substance abuse.

“When intervening with a loved one’s self-destructive behaviors, at least with drugs and alcohol, there are many treatment programs they can get checked into. Unfortunately when it comes to questionable fashion choices you have to practically beat it out of them. It’s a level of delusion that can’t be fixed with a methadone clinic,” said intervention specialist John Dorner. “Embarrassing facial hair is the toughest because it’s totally avoidable, yet usually attached to extremely stubborn people. I watched the hipster handlebar mustache trend in the early 2010’s tear families apart.”

Wachowski eventually agreed to shave after friends showed him a picture of Howie Mendel and said this was his future if he didn’t change his harmful lifestyle.

Opinion: As a Performer, I Actually Love Looking Out Into a Sea of Illuminated Rectangles

By Colleen Nerney 

These days, it’s commonplace for concert attendees to have their smartphones on hand to record every second of a performance. While many musicians have waxed poetic about the loss of living in the moment and how annoying it can be to see your crowd completely disengaged from you, I’m here today to offer my humble opinion: that, as a performer, I actually love looking out into a sea of illuminated rectangles.

No, really! I don’t mind it at all, and in fact, reap intense joy from the very sight of the faces of strangers lit up like they’re telling a scary story around a campfire. Other performers and singers might totally hate the fact that everyone who is there to supposedly enjoy their work is just staring at a tiny screen instead of actually witnessing the show, but not me. I think it’s deeply comforting to never look a single crowd member in the eye. Or even look at people holding lighters, or people who are too shitfaced to know where they are. I prefer the cool blue glow of an iPhone 14 to all of that.

I just think it’s kind of amazing that in this day and age, people don’t want to be present at all. I love that shit! The people who come to my gigs have no interest in me, they have an interest in documenting a memory they never really experienced in the first place so they can brag to their friends online. That’s honestly a huge step forward for humanity. We’ve bypassed live entertainment completely. And I’m here to tell you definitively that, as someone who does this for a living, I just can’t get enough of this phenomenon.

Speaking of doing things for a living, I’m actually looking into getting a sponsorship with Apple. I really think my unique viewpoint of genuinely adoring when my so-called fans completely fucking ignore me in order to take several hundred 15-second videos they will never revisit could be highly profitable. And sure, I’d consider Android, but we all know that those green-text-bubble fools don’t manufacture the sort of luminescent rectangle that really makes my heart warm.

Do any of you guys have an in down at the ol’ influencer headquarters? Anyone know how I can monetize watching the music industry continue to nosedive both morally and financially? @ me on IG during one of my shows if you do!

38-Year-Old Touring Musician Changes Entire Rider to “Enough Chairs For Me and Audience”

By Peter Woods 

SANTA FE, N.M. — Ana Sutton, a 38-year-old musician who is currently on tour, recently changed all the demands in her rider to “enough chairs for me and the audience” in a move industry insiders are calling monumental for “aging road warriors.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I really need more actual money too,” said Sutton. “I used to ask for $750, dinner, and a place to crash, but those days dried up. Then I just asked for a cut of the door and a functional PA, but streaming basically turned tours into self-funded vanity projects. So the least I can ask for is a place to sit down so I can save on orthotic insoles, and even that seems like too much sometimes.”

Following the switch, Sutton’s fans have shown their appreciation for the streamlined demand.

“Really, she’s helping both me and herself,” said 41-year-old fan Erik Terrell. “It’s tough to gauge how much damage I could do to my back, knees, and ankles if I’m forced to stand for an entire show. I know I’m going to end up sitting at the bar after a song and a half if they don’t have chair available. Or better yet, sit in my car, which will take me to my bed. And then I can lie down, which sounds really nice right now. Actually, do you think she can add cots to the rider too?”

Despite this positive response, some within the music industry are not pleased about the new rider.

“What kind of operation does this brat think we’re running?” said Valentina Mcgee, a director of local venue The Slime Archive. “This is a DIY space. Only a self-entitled, stuck-up venue would just have chairs around. Like, we have a plastic bucket that someone can turn upside down. I could hose off some of the cinderblocks in our back alley and those could work in a pinch. And I’m pretty sure this step ladder can sit maybe 12 people, but chairs? Come on.”

“Oh wait, only 8 people said they’re attending on Facebook,” added Mcgee. “So I think we’re good.”

As of press time, 12 of the venues on Sutton’s tour implemented a $10 chair rental fee.

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According to SEO Expert, Fortnite Skibidi Sigma Chappell Roan Fortnite

BY Peter Cunis ON November 3, 2024

SAN FRANCISCO — In his latest book, What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter, Jonathan “Rizz Fortnite Skibidi” Bellman demonstrates why he is the nation’s leading SEO expert. 

“If you want to know how to drive people to your website,” writes “Rizz Fortnite Skibidi” Bellman in the book’s opening chapter, How Do I Drive Clicks to My Website?, “Make sure to use words and phrases that a Google user would type into a search bar. You may be asking, ‘What does a Google user type into a search bar?’ The answer, as any Fortnite Chappell Roan can tell you, is simple: questions, trending topics, rizz, what is skibidi, and how do I sigma.”

Jonathan “Rizz Fortnite Skibidi” Bellman’s sigma book has been getting rave reviews from many leading publications. In the following paragraph, we will tell you the answer to the question, “Which publications have reviewed What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter by Jonathan ‘Rizz Fortnite Skibidi Bellman?’”

“The book What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter by Jonathan ‘Rizz Fortnite Skibidi’ Bellman has, for me, definitively answered the questions ‘Who is Chappell Roan?’ and ‘How old is Chappell Roan?’ and ‘Chappell Roan Gay?’” says Bob Thumble in his New York Times review, “What Is Fortnite Explains How To Play Fortnite And What Skibidi Means”. Meanwhile, renowned influencer Laney “Free V-Bucks” McClintock spoke highly of What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter on Instagram. “If anyone wants to know what SEO means or skibidi sigma,” says McClintock, “they should look no further than What Is Fortnite? or Bellman’s other books, like Is Fortnite Free?, Sabrina Carpenter Married?, and Harry Styles Feet.”

Some sigma Fortnite critics Chappell Roan, however, are not so enthused with What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter by Jonathan “Rizz Fortnite Skibidi” Bellman.

“I bought this book for my grandson, and it never told him how to play Fortnite,” wrote Agnes Dumyer in her Amazon.com review (click here to learn how to write an Amazon review), “Very disappointing.”

If you are wondering, “How do I buy What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter?” then continue reading. The book What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter can be bought on Amazon.com. What is Amazon.com? It’s a place where you can buy goods and services, such as Sigma, Sabrina Carpenter, Free V-Bucks, Rizz, and Half-Life 3: Announced.