Hard Digest November 2: Early Access Skinheads, Elder Abuse, Tattoos, and More

Reformed Skinhead Speaking Engagements Dry Up as Everyone Goes Back to Being Racist

By Matt Oriente

BLUE ISLAND, Ill. — Reformed skinhead, public speaker, and talking head Tom Lupine is struggling to make ends meet as America’s racial tolerance landscape continues to shift, sources confirmed.

“I was an angry kid looking for a family, and I found it through hate,” Lupine reminisced. “But then Obama got elected, I was getting older, had bills to pay, and I wanted to settle down and start a family. And just reading the room, I felt there was an opportunity here to really cash in, so I decided to renounce bigotry once and for all or until it stopped paying my bills. Once I did that everyone wanted me to discuss my transformation and tell me how strong I was for it. I started booking college lectures, appearing on cable news. It was a prosperous time for me. But now that racial prejudice is back in style, no one wants to give me the time of day.”

Lupine cites the election of Donald Trump as the turning point that saw the country shift back to being openly racist.

“2016 allowed me to come out of the shadows finally. Just look at that MSG rally, it brought a tear to my eye to see so many like-minded people in one place,” said skinhead Robby Murphy. “I didn’t have to hide in plain sight anymore. Not only can I be openly racist, but I am being invited to speak at all sorts of places now — private schools, churches, nursing homes, Ben Shapiro podcasts, even cable news. Heck, I even have a few police departments trying to recruit me. It feels like the country is back on track. Really, it proves that no matter what, intolerance always wins in the end.”

Claire Shields, a booking agent specializing in speakers across the skinhead spectrum, has noticed the shift in demand as well.

“The market for reformed racists has definitely seen a decline,” Shields explained. “It’s shocking. People forget tolerance was so trendy for a long time, and it paid pretty well. People made a lot of money and we thought it would last forever. Reformation is just not en vogue right now, I’ve had to really shift my business model to take on more KKK members.”

At press time, Lupine decided to become an unreformed skinhead in order to cash in and make rent this month.

Opinion: My Next Tattoo Will Be the One That Fixes Me

By Ben Friedman

As someone riddled with multiple hang ups, insecurities, and repressed emotions you’d be correct in thinking that I absolutely need to go to therapy. But that’s expensive, and I really don’t need a second party judging me when I’m doing it myself for free. Instead, like so many others, I’ve taken to a different form of achieving mental equilibrium by getting more tattoos than is necessary. So far I’ve spent $5,000 and the light inside me is still dying.

There is a silver lining though because unlike the last five or six sessions, I’m 100% sure the next tattoo will fix all my problems.

Now I’m not completely blind to the fact that I have arguably spent as much (and possibly more) money on tattoos as I would’ve to see an actual licensed professional to help me get over reliving every embarrassing thing I’ve ever said and done. Yes, both involve making appointments, waiting rooms, and deposits, but only one of them has me walking out with a big tittied mermaid on my chest.

I can sense some of you are reading this and saying “Surely there are other, productive methods of healing your inner child and reconciling with your past mistakes.” First of all, shut up. Secondly, I already tried that which is why I have not one but two skull tattoos. Besides, I’m not going to fall into the trap of the self-care industrial complex by getting into pottery or hiking. My hobby is having ink blasted into my skin until it bleeds, thank you very much.

But it all comes down to this. I’m just one more permanent piece of self-expression away from being able to look in the mirror and not see an awkward, overweight 14-year-old with a bad bowl cut. And instead of addressing my body dysmorphia head on, I’m going to get a big ol’ chest piece on that same body which will more than likely suppress the memory of the 8th grade dance. Checkmate, body issues!

The breakthrough is just around the corner, you’ll see! Pretty soon I’ll be rocking ink so cool, so spiritually cathartic, that I can stop internalizing two decades of self-hatred and remorse. I’m thinking of something like a rattlesnake with a knife through its head or a panther. The guy I go to can easily do either.

And hell, if that doesn’t work I can always just switch to body piercing.

UN Deploys Kendall Jenner to Deliver Pepsi To IDF

By Josh Baumgart 

TEL AVIV — The United Nations decided to call on model, media personality, and socialite Kendall Jenner to deliver a can of Pepsi to the IDF in hopes of ending the escalating war in the Middle East, confirmed sources who had no backup plans if this didn’t work.

“Who knew a stern talking to from the international community wouldn’t stop this?” bemoaned United Nations Commissioner, Volker Turk. “Nothing’s been working either. We tried giving Israel 50 billion dollars, but that doesn’t appear to be doing enough for peace. If anything they’re just increasing the bombings. It looks like we’re going to have to call upon a true weapon for peace: The American Monarchy. In particular, a reality star. She seemed to singlehandedly end racial injustice years ago, so now it’s time to put her Instagram fame to the test.”

A spokesperson from acclaimed beverage juggernaut PepsiCo weighed in on their decision to aid the United Nations in its efforts.

“Look, I’m not saying Pepsi ended racism in 2017, a lot of people say that. I don’t, but a lot of people do. At the end of the day, you can’t say the summer of 2020 happens without Pepsi,” said spokesperson Ron Brokaw, “We got a lot of backlash from that ad. People weren’t ready to have the conversation Pepsi was having. But they all come crawling back eventually. And Pepsi is here to answer the call. We’re here to give the world what it needs: aspartame and a two-state solution.”

A member of Jenner’s personal team reported how enthusiastic she was to join the cause.

“When I asked Kendall if she would be interested in donating her time to issues with the IDF she said ‘like with fertility?’ and I said ‘No the IDF’s war with Hamas,’” shared Jenner’s assistant Ashley Bowood. “And she said ‘Ashley, what does having babies have to do with snack dip? Is hummus bad for fertility? Because I eat that shit all the time?’ And then I told her it would be great for her to lend her platform for good. Then I told her this would do big numbers for her tequila brand and she agreed.”

At press time, Jenner was being loaded into a plane as they prepared her to be air dropped into the front lines.

Elder Abuse? These Friends Convinced Their 37-Year-Old Friend To Go to a Show

By Trevor Graham

Recent clips of Frankie Valli performing at the age of 90 have reignited the conversation about elder abuse in this country. While celebrity cases shine a light on the problem, it’s important to identify cases of elder abuse in our day-to-day lives. Last week, a 37-year-old man named Matt Reynolds was convinced by a group of younger “friends” to go to a hardcore show even though it is painfully clear he has aged out of such activities.

One of the friends, Chuck Bowman, 28, said that they had good intentions of inviting Reynolds to the show at the non-airconditioned VFW hall located at the end of what locals refer to as “Oxy Alley.” “It took some convincing but he said he wanted to go just as long as it was not on a weekday night and that it would end no later than 10:30. That should’ve been our first clue this was a bad idea.”

“He showed up late because he said he had to stop at a drug store to get earplugs and some Dr. Scholl’s inserts for his Vans,” said another friend Dara Roberts, 26. “Then he couldn’t find the QR code on his phone he had been emailed when he bought the ticket and kept saying couldn’t he just give them five dollars and a can of food like every other hardcore show he’s ever been to. Poor guy is really out of it.”

When the first band Realm Of Brutal Assault started playing the older friend appeared to be confused by the giant horseshoe-shaped pit that opened up with just a handful of people doing spinkicks and windmills. He later asked why no one was up front singing along and that it was almost as if “no one even cares what the lyrics are anymore.”

Midway through the third band Retribution Fist’s set Reynolds began to fidget and said he needed to sit down complaining that both his knees and back were hurting from just standing in place for a moderate amount of time. Out of desperation he made his way back to the merch area and pretended to be working at one of the tables just so he could sit down on one of the fold-out chairs.

Unfortunately, the friends say Matt was unable to see the headliner X Violent Fucking Hatred X as he said it was getting late and he had physical therapy in the morning. Later Reynolds would confess to his friends he was not having a good time and at this point he can only sit through two bands maximum. Despite all of this the friends say they are planning to get Matt to go with them to the 3-day Purification Of Blood Fest when it is scheduled on the hottest day of the year next summer.

Moo Moo Meadows Razed to Make New Wario Stadium

BY Tom Scarcella 

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Moo Moo Meadows, famed kart-racing destination and family-owned dairy farm, was razed to make room for a new Wario-themed stadium, according to the Mushroom Kingdom Development Authority.

”While it was a difficult choice to reduce this idyllic farmland to smoldering rubble, the state-of-the-art Warclays Stadium will turbo-boost our economy while keeping us competitive with the likes of Koopa Kingdom and China,” the authority’s Spokesman Toad said. “We’re striving to fairly compensate the owners of Moo Moo Meadows and humanely slaughter all the relocated Moo Moos and Monty Moles. YAHOO!”

The project has been speeding ahead despite widespread outrage over the loss of Mushroom Kingdom’s only sustainable dairy farm, as well as skepticism about the stadium’s necessity. 

“We already have a perfectly good Wario Stadium, plus countless arenas for tennis and fighting and every other goddamn sport, but the royal coffers never open for things like better hospitals,” said a neighborhood Goomba. “Rainbow Road is filled with potholes, for Christ’s sake.”

“Who knows why they destroyed this beautiful farm when there are vast expanses of land with nothing but weird platforms and spiky balls and shit,” the Goomba added. “It must be Wario’s ego since he always lost races at the Moo Moo tracks. It’s a shame we blindly follow the whims of the super-rich, but coins really talk in this kingdom.”

Wario convinced Princess Peach to approve Warclays Stadium after agreeing to use his allegedly illicit fortunes to help with financing. He appeared unperturbed by the public outcry.

“WHAAAAT are all these a-greedy peasants a-griping about!? As the richest and most genius guy in the kingdom, Wario knows-a what’s best for everyone,” Wario noted before unhinging his jaw to devour a porterhouse steak sourced from the erstwhile Moo Moo Meadows. He also said the existing Wario Stadium will be converted to provide “sorely needed new housing,” although Spokesman Toad later clarified that Wario plans to turn it into a supersized palace for himself.

At press time, sources confirmed that Mario has ignored preservationists and demolished yet another centuries-old Koopa castle, this time for a new soccer stadium.