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Hard Digest October 31: Early Access Elon Musk, Sex Pistols v. Ramones, Revenge, and More

Added 2024-11-01 00:00:11 +0000 UTC

Elon Musk Offers $1M to Anyone Who Signs His Birthday Card

BUTLER, Penn. – Billionaire Elon Musk unveiled an offer of $1 million to anyone willing to sign his birthday card, sources close to the matter revealed.

“It would be totes amazeballs to get a birthday card this year. I think it’s been about 20 years since anyone I don’t have on my payroll wished me a happy birthday,” said Musk, the richest man on Earth, with tears shining in his little rat eyes. “That’s why I thought it would be supes fun to have a little lottery–sign a card for me and get a chance to win a drop in the ocean’s worth of my fortune. It’s not like a bribe, dude. I’m just spicing things up for all my friends out there, especially in swing states.”

Justice Department representative Rich McMahon quickly wished Musk a happy birthday to cash in on the giveaway.

“I know it’s not until June, so he really shouldn’t be fishing for signatures so early,” said McMahon, whose colleagues are planning to write a strongly written letter asking Musk to stop interfering in the election. “But I just feel so sad for him. All that money and he’d trade it in a heartbeat for someone to genuinely laugh at his jokes or to not puke straight after meeting him. He’s got that big dipshit energy. I wouldn’t invite him to any birthday parties of my own, but that doesn’t mean no one should go to his.”

Dr. Adelaide Fisher, a researcher at MIT who specializes in severe cases of Very Divorced Man Syndrome, called for sympathy towards Musk.

“Elon is one of the worst cases of VDMS I’ve ever seen,” said Dr. Fisher, who has previously treated Graham Linehan and Kanye West. “When we see cases of VDMS, the symptoms are always the same: acting out, trying to own people, weird intense transphobia, being too online, becoming creatively redundant, and begging for attention from any way possible. In Musk’s case, he’s using his incredible wealth in the hopes that someone will look at him and not think he’s a dickhead, which unfortunately they always do.”

Donald Trump, the man Musk has thrown his political weight and reputation behind, remarked “Who the fuck is Leon Mask?”

Ramones or Sex Pistols? This 13-Year-Old From Denver Sets the Record Straight

By Zachary Wolf

We here at The Hard Times are always looking for the most cutting-edge reporters and tastemakers in the industry. During a late-night bender in the fine city of Denver we were knocking over trash cans in a nice neighborhood and found the piece you are about to read, shared in its entirety with no edits, written by a middle schooler named Ethan Combe that we hope will finally end the age-old debate of which band is better, Ramones or Sex Pistols. Enjoy.

Dear mr clements

I know I was supposed to do a book report on the outsiders but books are dumb so I wrote about whose better ramones or sex pistols

1. NAME OF THE BOOK: ramones or sex pistols

2. AUTHOR: me

3. NAME THREE FACTS ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
I have brothers
i’m no poser
im from Denver
(bonus fact: my dad sucks)

4. GENRE: punk

5. PLOT SUMMARY: the sex pistols were british which makes them cool but the ramones are brothers and I have brothers so its hard to say who was better?

6. MAIN CHARACTERS: sid vicious was a real punk because he chained a lock to his neck and never took it off. the ramones were cool and all but they wore uniforms like they were at work or something .at least the sex pistols were real punx and wore safety pins and british flags and stuff

7. WHAT WAS THE SETTING OF THE BOOK? the ramones were from new york and the sex pistols were from england. I dont know wear the ramones are from in new york and i dont know where the sex pisstols were from in england but the ramones are definitely from new york and the sex pistolls are definitely from england because they had english accents and stuff.

8. WHAT WAS THE THEME OF THE BOOK? well I thought the sex pistols invented punk rock but my brother said the ramones invented it. i dont really know who invented it but my brother said the ramones were around longer because after sid died the sex pistols quit because sid wrote most of the songs so they didn’t have anyone to write songs no more

9. NAME THREE FACTS ABOUT THE BOOK:

hey ho lets go is my favorite ramones song and my favorite sex pisstols song is god save the queen because thats the british national anthem

johnny rotten wore a nazi shirt on a talk show

My brother told me sid viscous killed his girlfriend in new york

10. HOW DID THE BOOK END? WOULD YOU RECOMMEND IT TO OTHERS? if your not a poser then i recommend the sex pistols and the ramones but if you like boring music than i don’t recommend them. I dont know who i like more but my brother says the dead kennnedys are better than both of them and hes probably right.

Nine Productive Years of Therapy No Match For Brief Chance at Revenge

By Matt Husser

TUCSON — Local Man Steven Barnes threw away the progress of nine full years of therapy to pursue a brief shot at sweet revenge against someone who once slighted him, sources confirmed.

“When I saw the son of a bitch that betrayed me all those years ago, I knew I had a choice—trust in the years of hard work I forged through therapy to find peace within myself, or spoil all that growth for the short-lived satisfaction of revenge. Well the choice was obvious, and I’m happy to report that I finally got his ass,” said Barnes, cackling uncontrollably hours later. “You should have seen the look on that dumb bastard’s face when airport security stopped him for the cocaine I slipped in his pocket. That’ll teach him to steal my lunch out of the work fridge fifteen years ago.”

Barnes’ therapist, Paul Cornwell, was reportedly dismayed that after nearly a decade working together, his longtime patient still wasn’t able to resist his more harmful urges.

“I’m just disappointed in Steven—so many breakthroughs, so many long hours spent together and he throws all that progress away just to satisfy some fleeting, primal urge. Well, I’m more than just disappointed—I’m pissed, and I’ll have my revenge on Steven for wasting my time, even if it takes another nine long years,” said Cornwell, hanging a picture of Steven on his dart board. “I’ll bide my time and continue to learn about his greatest strengths and weaknesses during our sessions, and when he least expects it, BAM! I’ll plant his fingerprints at a crime scene.”

Clinical psychologist Dr. Bernadette Logan explained that the intoxicating allure of revenge has motivated scores of people throughout history.

“Revenge as a motivating factor is as old as humanity. Examples include Donald Trump’s three presidential campaigns, Bill Gates’ software empire, and Genghis Khan sweeping across the Mongolian steppes conquering millions because someone once made fun of his hairline,” said Dr. Logan, changing slides on a powerpoint presentation. “Even some of the earliest cave paintings depict a caveman getting shit on by a mammoth, no doubt provoked by someone that wronged the primitive artist in some way. Hell, I got my doctorate to get back at my Dad who said I was gonna be flipping burgers for the rest of my life. I’m still paying off my student loans and he’s pissed that I’m not a medical doctor, so maybe we’ll call that one a draw.”

At press time, Dr. Logan had hired someone to break into her dad’s house and move his furniture by a few inches each week to slowly drive him insane.

We Interviewed the Demon That Possessed Son of Sam’s Neighbor’s Dog, and We’ve Gotta Admit He’s Pretty Persuasive

Every “Twin Peaks” Character Ranked by Who Gives Out the Best Halloween Candy

PSA: Remember to Check Your Kids Candy for the Gom Jabbar This Halloween!

BY Brendan Osorio

Hey everybody, we just want to take a quick minute for something serious today. Halloween is just around the corner and we just want to ask you to PLEASE check your kids candy bags this year for the Gom Jabbar. With the popularity of Dune being at an all time high this year it’s important that you stay vigilant and protect your kids from poison needles put there by a space witch.

Now the Gom Jabbar may be too small and hard to see so let’s go over a few preventative measures to keep your children safe. If you and your child arrive at a door and after happily shouting “Trick or Treat!” you see a frail old woman in a dramatic veil say “Who are you supposed to be? Perhaps the Kwisatz Haderach? I have a test to see if you may be the one…” LEAVE IMMEDIATELY! This woman is not about to give your child a full size Snickers bar. She is going to make them put their hand in a box of pain and hold a death needle at their neck!

These Bene Gesserits are tenacious and if you’re not careful your little ones could end up as a casualty in their eugenic schemes! They say that fear is the mind killer but nothing kills the fun spooky mood like a trick to the hospital because you weren’t paying attention to the things being put in your child’s candy bag.

Don’t worry too much though, the Gom Jabbar only brings instant death to animals so if your kids are truly human they should be okay. Stay tuned for our next special message cautioning against jury rigging your stillsuit to cycle beer instead of water and the dangers that come with it.