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Hard Digest October 31: Halloween Early Access and More

Added 2024-10-31 00:00:06 +0000 UTC

Mom Warns Crust Punk Son That Some of His Drugs Might Be Laced With Candy This Halloween

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local mother Martha Browning grew concerned for her crust punk son after hearing rumors circulating that some trick-or-treaters may find candy mixed in with their drugs this Halloween season, sources confirmed.

“I saw a meme about it on Facebook and now I’m really worried about Johnny getting his hands on drugs tainted with high fructose corn syrup. That stuff is dangerous and very addictive,” said Browning. “That’s why I have been double-checking all of his pills before I let him go out to the dive bar, just to make sure none of them are actually Smarties. All that sugar could really ruin his buzz. I just don’t think I could live with myself as a mother knowing that he popped a regular gummy when he was expecting a THC gummy.”

Son Johnny Browning thinks his mom is overreacting and falling for sensationalized stories online.

“I keep telling her she needs to stop believing all this crap she reads online; you can’t trust everything you read on punknews.org,” said the Browning son as he scoured the ground for discarded cigarette butts to smoke. “Every Halloween, all of our parents freak out about stuff like this. Last year she was worried that people were putting razorblades into the drugs. She heard that the razorblades were so dull that it could barely chop up your cocaine. At least her heart is in the right place.”

Former crust punk turned suburban mother Tabitha Ranken claims that she has personal experience to prove that the stories are true.

“This should not be taken lightly. I know it sounds like an urban legend, but sadly, it is all too real. I myself fell victim to one of these heinous crimes many years ago,” said Ranken. “I was on my way to the Skitsystem show, so I popped a few of my painkillers, this way they’d kick in by the time I got to the venue and ordered my first beer, but I quickly realized that half of the pills were just M&M’s, so I had to suffer through that night only kind of high instead of very high. It’s still hard for me to talk about it without feeling an overwhelming sense of trauma.”

At press time, Browning claimed that she would continue to test all of her son’s stash by taking a little bump before letting him use it himself, just to be safe.

Opinion: Is It Just Me or Are Halloween Candies Getting Harder To Put Razor Blades In?

By Rob Steinberg

When I grew up, Halloween was the most magical night of the year. You put on costumes, decorate houses in spider webs, and the best part of all, trick or treating. There’s no greater joy than collecting candy from everyone in the neighborhood and figuring out which ones have the razorblades in them. As a Halloween-loving adult and local creep I’ve taken upon myself to make sure kids have the same experience as I did. Sadly, however, every year I find it more difficult to put the razorblades in.

I don’t get it. It used to be so simple to unwrap a candy bar, empty out the nougat, insert the blade, and wrap it back up. Now things are different. You can thank shrinkflation for that.

Candy gets gradually smaller every year so you won’t notice. Razorblades meanwhile stay the same size. I tried putting one in a Snickers Bar last night and it jutted out. No way that’ll pass their parents’ inspections. As a member of the Dollar Shave Club, I asked them for tinier “fun-sized” blades but they offered no help. It didn’t used to be like that. When I first started putting razors in candy a Snickers could hold two or three of them.

Of course, there is always the good idea “Why doesn’t Nestle just make candy with the razorblades already inside?” The answer is a definite NO as tampering with the candy is the majority of the fun. Would you buy eggs for Easter that are already dyed? Would you buy a Christmas tree with the ornaments already hung?

I’ll never forget my Halloween in third grade when one of my neighbors gave each kid a big box of Milk Duds. When I stuck my hand in to reach for one my fingers got snagged by a mousetrap. You can’t create memories like that anymore. If I could’ve figured out which house did that, I would track that neighbor down and shake their hand with my still scarred digits. The razors were so much fun to get as well of course. When my brother and I would spit them out like cherry pits. By November we’d start gluing them together to make Thanksgiving centerpieces.

The point is, we need to stop letting candy corporations take away our classic tradition. I speak this for the kids, the parents, and all of us weirdos out there.

Everyone at Chat Pile Halloween Show Assumes Singer is Dressed as Randy from “Trailer Park Boys”

By Peter Woods

OKLAHOMA CITY — Attendees at Chat Pile’s Halloween show universally agreed that singer Raygun Busch was dressed as Randy from the TV show “Trailer Park Boys” despite the rest of the band wearing normal clothes.

“When Busch rolled on stage without a shirt and some stupid looking pants, I immediately got excited,” said audience member Amalia Pace. “Because I love ‘Trailer Park Boys’ and Randy is my favorite character. I guess if I think about it, Busch might have been wearing the same thing when I saw him 4 months ago, but you can tell it was different this time. It was just so much more Randy-esque somehow. Really fun holiday atmosphere at the gig.”

Other members of Chat Pile believed Busch to be in costume as well.

“I really wanted to get my Weed Smoking Grimace outfit together, but it just wasn’t working,” said Chat Pile drummer Cap’n Ron. “I got a full mascot costume and everything, but couldn’t figure out how to fix the arms so I could drum while also not looking stupid. And when we got to the show, I just assumed everyone forgot. But then when Raygun walked on stage with his guns out, I was like ‘Hell yeah, Randy’s here.’ He really saved our asses so we didn’t look lame on Halloween.”

Despite the broadly held excitement, some were less enthused.

“It’s just fundamentally not a good costume,” said “Trailer Park Boys” subreddit moderator Cheryl Pena. “The hair was way off, those pants clearly were made from something other than khaki, the belt and the shoes were the wrong color. This is frankly offensive to the sanctity of the show, and I’m getting tired of removing posts about it. I mean, it’s like he wasn’t even trying to dress up as Randy at all.”

When asked for comment, Busch actually confirmed Pena’s suspicion by claiming he was not Randy, but instead dressed as “a guy from OKC I saw on the news who drove his car into the side of his house.”

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Overwatch Halloween Costume Recognized, Ignored

BY Jus Kaplan

SAN DIEGO — At his office’s Halloween party, Travis Pameno was quick to recognize a coworker in a meticulously crafted Overwatch costume, and just as quick to ignore it.

“Of course I knew that Valerie was dressed up as D.Va. I used to play Overwatch back when it was still good. But that was like, eight years ago,” said Pameno. “I don’t want my manager to know about my past mistakes, so I just put my head down as Valerie walked in wearing that expensive looking custom mech. Besides, this isn’t some cosplay con, it’s a Halloween party for a freaking accounting firm. Everyone else is just wearing animal ears or a silly hat.”

Valerie Plauts, who made sure to clarify that she’s dressed up specifically as the LE SSERAFIM D.Va skin, admits she was disappointed by the snub.

“Travis literally told me he used to play Overwatch when he saw my Sombra enamel pin last week. He even said he was a Winston main. I thought that meant he had some integrity!” said Plauts, who had just finished explaining to a 64-year-old finance director that her costume is not from Dragon Ball Z. “But no, the moment I walked in, it was like he got hit by one of Ana’s sleep darts. Maybe if I walk up and scream “NERF THIS!” directly into his ear he’ll at least say hello.”

Valierie’s boss admits she has no idea who D.Va is, but commended the costume nonetheless.

“That purple-pink robot getup looks like it took weeks to make, so I made sure to let Val know that her efforts were admirable,” said Mary-Anne Lopez, wearing a dollar store witch hat. “I think it’s some obscure Mario thing. Even Travis didn’t seem to recognize it, and he’s the only other person here besides Val who’s under 45.”

At press time, Valerie was seen emoting with joy after the office’s seldom-seen IT guy arrived in a suped-up Wrecking Ball costume.