Hard Digest October 25: Early Access Mariah Carey, Haunted Pasts, Halloween Parties, and More

Coked Up Music Exec Pitches “All I Want For Halloween is You” to Mariah Carey

By Chris Bratton

LOS ANGELES — Local blitzed music executive at RCA Records repeatedly contacted Mariah Carey’s camp to collaborate on a new single called “All I Want For Halloween is You,” confirmed sources.

“Listen, how do you know when Christmas is here? When the goddamn Mariah Carey song starts playing in Whole Foods two weeks before Thanksgiving. Why leave it there? Might as well make it the face of another seasonal holiday. The Spirit Halloween people will shit their fucking khakis when they get a hold of this track” said music executive Todd Perkins while rubbing his nose. “Replace Santa Claus with something like Head Halloween Goblin, Christmas stockings can be those jack-o-lantern candy buckets, Christmas trees could be Halloween trees. Who gives a shit, just make it catchy, babe!”

Representation for Carey seemed a little hesitant of the idea.

“Honestly, we still aren’t sure if he really works at RCA. He kind of just popped out of an elevator talking on a Bluetooth and kept yelling complicated coffee orders at my assistant. He repeatedly told me to close my eyes and picture the ‘the queen of Halloween’ but I’m pretty sure people already give that title to Elvira, or Ariana Grande from the youth demographic,” said Carey’s music agent Tom Lepore. “Plus, some other executive recently pitched Mariah the idea of ‘All I Want For Arbor Day is You.’ Please, let’s at least stick with holidays people get off work for.”

Shirly Alexander, a drug counselor who specializes in music executives, offered her approach when dealing with a client’s hyper-fixation on a new promotion.

“Abstinence for these types is just simply out of the question, but overuse can be a huge problem. You don’t get things like a Kid Rock country album, a Run-DMC/Aerosmith collaboration, or the plot to a Spice Girls movie without the momentum of an executive who has overindulged stimulants. I tell my clients, shelve the idea for a week, lay off the blow, drink more brown liquor and see if it still seems like a good idea after a few days. That said, Christmas is pretty lame but a Mariah Carey Halloween song would be dope.”

After reportedly striking out with Mariah Carey, the executive has been reportedly seen around town pitching a remake of the duet “Baby, it’s Cold Outside” which would be called “Baby, it’s Candy Outside.”

It’s Always Spooky Season for Me, A Man Haunted By His Past

By Tim Graham 

Every Fall I watch you normies get all excited that “spooky season” is here once again. That means it’s time for you to put up decorations, buy big bags of candy and watch shitty horror movies. But a 10-foot skeleton in your yard is amateur hour crap next to the perpetual mental anguish I experience as a result of the unforgivable acts I’ve committed.

Real horror is being confronted by the memory of running down a drifter on a deserted stretch of highway every time you close your eyes. Your six weeks of spookiness are pretty lame in comparison. Have fun marathoning the “Friday the 13th” series, you child. I’ll be over here quaking in fright, forever reliving the revolting thump-thump of tires rolling over a human body.

After the hit-and-run incident I needed to lay low for a bit, so I took a job on an oil rig in the Gulf. Remember the Deepwater Horizon explosion and oil spill? Yeah, that was me (I was passed out drunk when I was supposed to be monitoring methane levels). I covered my tracks by blaming it on one of the guys who died in the blast. That experience has definitely resulted in a number of long dark nights of the soul for me.

Aww, are you having trouble sleeping because you read a chapter of “Pet Sematary” before bed, you pumpkin-spiced wuss? That’s cute. I can’t fall asleep without ingesting dangerous amounts of pharmaceuticals, lest I be tormented all night by the memories of my wretched misdeeds. I know true dread, like the moment I realized a cigarette I tossed out of my car window likely started the 2018 Mendocino wildfires.

I can only laugh when I see videos of you cowards getting all freaked out at a haunted corn maze. You want to hear about a real nightmare? Imagine being the guy who sold Tom Petty the drugs that killed him. Yup, I’m the piece of shit that ruined that for everybody.

So enjoy your milquetoast spooky season, lightweights. While you’re peeling grapes to make a bowl of “witch’s eyeballs”, I’ll be near-catatonic with a thousand-yard stare, still shell-shocked by the shit I saw in ‘Nam. (Note: Technically I wasn’t in the war, but I did see “Full Metal Jacket” way too young.) Happy Halloween, you dumb babies.

Punk Halloween Party Has Guests Bob for Cigarettes

By Ryan Dondero 

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Local punk Roxy Molloy reportedly invited guests to bob for cigarettes at her annual Halloween party at DIY venue The Sharp, confirmed sources that still reek of stale tobacco water.

“Every year, we aim for something fresh and unique,” said Molloy. “Last year, we stuffed a Nancy Reagan piñata with cigarettes and candy corn and used it like a stationary pinata. The year before, we had a costume contest—naturally, I won with my unbeatable Siouxsie Sioux—but there were some serious contenders. But this year we wanted to try something we hadn’t done before and update a Halloween classic. That’s how we got to the bobbing for cigarettes game. A lot of folks in this community love cigarettes—I mean, really love them. The competition was so fierce that we might not do it again next year. There were several fist fights and at least four people nearly drowned.”

Straight edge partygoer Fred Joyce appreciated that Molloy set up a candy cigarette bobbing game to accommodate her non-smoking friends.

“I’m always a little hesitant to come to these things,” said Joyce. “Everyone is just getting fucked up and acting wild. I usually just hang out on the couch, drink La Croix, and pet the dog. But the bobbing for candy cigarettes game was surprisingly really, really fun. It’s rad that Roxy looks out for her friends who don’t drink or smoke. She’s the best. I will say though, the candy cigs got kind of sticky and gross in the water. Maybe she can revise that for next year.”

Dave Parish, a spokesperson for Philip Morris International, says the company has been keeping a close eye on events in Minneapolis and is hoping bobbing for cigarettes will become a nationwide Halloween tradition.

“We’re thrilled about this ‘bobbing for cigarettes’ trend,” Parish said while simultaneously texting several lobbyists. “Some are even calling it a nascent ‘craze.’ It’s about time Halloween games got a modern upgrade. I mean, doctors have been warning us for years about the dangers of bobbing for apples—drowning, choking, permanent tooth damage. Some say bobbing for apples is the new smoking. But bobbing for cigarettes? That’s the new Crossfit. Or Peloton. Or whatever the fuck. Who cares?”

At press time, guests were unsure whether the fog that had descended on the kitchen was from a smoke machine or recently won cigarettes.

7 Must Have Songs For Your Abortion Road Trip Playlist

By Jennifer Donovan

Do you have a mass of cells in your reproductive organs that you need to stop from replicating but live in a state that withholds reproductive healthcare? I’ve got three words for you:

ABORTION ROADTRIP, BABY!

When you’re filled to the brim with a sacred feminine rage stoked by centuries of oppression nothing soothes the soul like a long drive and a totally kick ass playlist. Whether your journey will take you to a medical clinic across state lines or to a steep set of stairs behind the Walgreens at the edge of town (we hope it’s the former), these pro-choice anthems will give you the strength to soldier on.

Bikini Kill “Suck My Left One”

Whether this was an easy choice or a heartbreaking one, having an abortion is not something anyone WANTS to do. It’s a necessity, no matter the reason, and nobody should have to travel great lengths or go through a bunch of bullshit red tape to get it done. Roll down your window and release your rage as you belt out the lyrics to ‘90s classic “Suck My Left One” and feel the solidarity with bad bitch and feminist icon, Kathleen Hanna. Nobody will be sucking YOUR left or right one, unless you want them to be.

The Coathangers “Watch Your Back”

Aptly named for their pro-choice beliefs, The Coathangers have so many good songs that it’s hard to choose just one. Watch Your Back has a buoyant, unpredictable beat worthy of any roadtrip playlist.

Fugazi “Reclamation”

Another oldie but goodie, long-time proponent of reproductive rights Fugazi never fails to deliver and an abortion roadtrip just wouldn’t be right without giving them their due. “These are our demands: We want control of our bodies.” Fuck yea.

Bad Cop, Bad Cop “Womananarchist”

“Womananarchist” mixes rage with a hopeful winning spirit that will have you envision up-ending outdoor bathtubs filled with limp-dicked politicians popping boner pills. Just imagine their wrinkled bodies slipping off a cliff at sunset as you stand, victorious, with your right to choose intact.

Dream Nails “Vagina Police”

London-based Dream Nails has a lineup of unapologetic feminist-punk works that they claim to be more hexes than songs. Fire up “Vagina Police” and hope the spell it casts shields you from the watchful eyes of any law enforcement that may pull you over and force you to show your menstruation records.

Bad Religion “American Jesus”

If an all-powerful, absentee father can sacrifice his fully grown child to atone for the sins of the imperfect humans that he himself created and then bring that child back to life only to let him die a second time you can certainly excavate a clump of insentient fetal cells from your womb for whatever reason you see fit because that shit doesn’t add up.

NOFX “You’re Wrong”

Every roadtrip could use a little acoustic break and whether or not you agree with everything NOFX sanctions as wrong/right I think we can all agree here that calling Ann Coulter a cunted cunt is hilariously right and limiting your right to choose is wrong.

Tiktok’er Avoids Monotonous 9-5 by Repeating the Same Joke for 528th Day

BY Dan Kozuh

BALTIMORE, Md.— Local TikTok creator Jenna Morales aka SkibidiMom32, has successfully dodged the soul-crushing monotony of a traditional 9-to-5 job by embracing the soul-crushing monotony of repeating the same joke for the 528th consecutive day, her followers have confirmed.

Morales became a viral star in a series in which she pretends to misunderstand her teenage daughter’s slang as awkward dance moves — a joke that garners her millions of views and is now repeated, daily, with the precision of a corporate timecard punch.

“It started by accident when I heard my teen say ‘rizz’ and I was like, what is that a dance? So I made up a dance to the word ‘rizz’, it went viral, and I quit my desk job a month later,” Jenna said while arranging her phone on a tripod for a recording of herself fake-misunderstanding the phrase ‘mid.’ “Office jobs are so repetitive, but this has freedom. Sure, it’s the same joke, every single day, several times a day. And it’s not like I can just clock out or skip a day, even weekends. The algorithm doesn’t rest.”

Jenna’s family, however, is beginning to worry about her.

“She wakes up at 6 a.m. every morning and sets to work like any diligent employee. Except, instead of replying to emails or attending meetings, she opens her DMs to see what new slang her followers have thrown her way,” Morale’s husband Eric aka GolfGuy1981 said. “Today it’s ‘rizz’ and yesterday it was ‘bussin’. Regardless of the word, her response is always the same: a look of confusion, followed by a silly dance that subtly reminds older users of nostalgic dance moves from the 90s.”

Jenna admits that she’s tried to branch out into other content but to no avail.

“I’ve tried to pivot to other material like the Sleep Scream Challenge and Toaster Tag but the engagement just plumets. They just want the dance. It’s kind of like I’m stuck in an assembly line. Except instead of screwing caps onto bottles, I’m screwing the joke into the ground.”

Experts are noticing that people who leave one job to escape monotony usually just find it in another form.

“Much like the office workers they swore they’d never become, these “influencers” spend their days in repetitive motions and performing tasks that, at first, seemed fun,” Dr. Laura Hopkins, professor of New Media Studies at Loyola University Maryland said. “Yet, as they slog through their daily routine of repeating the same thing that made them famous, they are haunted by the very thing they are trying to avoid: an overwhelming sense of sameness.”

For now, Jenna has noticed that her TikTok mortality is drawing near and has announced plans to open an OnlyFans account where another repetitive task she once took pleasure in awaits her.

So Called “Town Map” Depicts Entire Continent

BY Gary Kerls 

KANTO – Foreign officials visiting the Kanto Region this past weekend were shocked to learn the large landmass, complete with 7 cities, 3 towns, 2 mountains, and a vast cave system, is officially depicted on a simple town map.

Official sources have reported that further investigation into this strange occurrence may have uncovered a deep rooted conspiracy.

“We’ve interviewed Kanto cartographers as well as every member of the Elite 4, who seem to be the only legislative body that has jurisdiction over this substantial continent,” said Dirk Bradshaw of Vice News. “However all routes run dry, we couldn’t piece together just who exactly made this call, and who is benefitting from it.”

The Town Map, which is prominently displayed in every Pokemon Center across the region, has never been called into speculation before by the local residents. Some have even gone decades with the map stashed away in their Key Items slot, never once questioning the peculiar depiction of the vast mainland.

“I never really learned maps and stuff like that in school,” says Pokemon trainer, Lass Mary. “I pretty much learned basic language skills, elementary level math, and then when I turned 10, I was thrown out into the world to fend for myself. You know, just your typical upbringing I guess.”

This lack of spatial awareness has led some to theorize what else the residents of Kanto are blissfully unaware of, even going as far to conclude that this universal stupidity is the reason notorious gangs and cults like Team Rocket have gained so much popularity among the masses.

“I had no structure in my life, no path to follow,” said one Team Rocket Grunt who requested to remain anonymous. “Giovanni makes a lot of good points, I ain’t never heard someone talk so good about things before, He truly is an inspiration.”

At press time, the newly established Kanto Board of Education has raised the Pokemon training age to 13, giving the youth of the region precious time to develop social skills, object permanence, and rudimentary cartography.