Hard Digest October 24: Early Access Layoffs, Skeletons, Molds, and More

Corporation Boasts About How Diverse the Latest Round of Layoffs Are

By Drew Gigis 

DAVENPORT, Iowa — Local software firm Blackstone Limited is celebrating the diversity of the employees losing their jobs in a round of brutal layoffs, politically exhausted sources confirmed.

“Blackstone was very proud of our ‘Melting Pot’ initiative to hire as many people of color as it took to get the woke media off of our backs,” explained CEO Arthur Campbell. “But as the economy ebbs and flows we have been forced to cut back our budget making the latest group the most diverse group of workers let go in American history and I think that’s special. And because of these layoffs, I was able to give myself a 30% salary increase as a way to keep up morale.”

Some employees weren’t surprised as they expected layoffs to be coming, but 43-year-old bookkeeper Luis Torres was caught off guard by the whole thing.

“It definitely came as a shock to me. I’ve been here for 15 years and never missed a day,” said Torres. “It’s okay though, this company loves to preach equality and all that, but they’re so far from reality that they had options on our severance packages to get paid in things like menthol cigarettes and gardening tools. I talked to a lawyer and I’m very confident I will be compensated fairly.”

Although the layoffs have received national attention, activists say there isn’t much to be done legally in response.

“Unfortunately I do not feel there is anything I can do to assist these amazing, hard-working people. Maybe if they hadn’t taken so many vacation days or gone on maternity leave they would have been able to save their jobs,” stated Gladys Williams, a self-proclaimed worker’s rights activist who works almost exclusively on Instagram. “This is happening all over the country, people losing their livelihood. I for one would look at the current administration and ask what they are going to do about this. I am also affected, I happen to be a major stockholder in this very company, and my dividends are dropping quickly.”

At press time, representatives from Blackstone Limited stated that while they are saddened by the loss of their diverse workforce, they are excited about the new corporate plan to revolutionize their backend coding with Artificial Intelligence so they can lay off a ton of white people next time.

Why the Mass Availability of Skeleton Halloween Decorations Takes All the Fun Out of Owning Real Ones

By Laura Lewis

I’m not saying it should cost an arm and a leg to make your home festive for Halloween. All I’m saying is that skeleton decorations should be real arms and legs.

10 years ago, I didn’t have this problem. People would come to my house and see my jackalope and my toucan skull and my coyote jaws and be like, “huh, cool, I didn’t realize that’s what that looked like.” Now, my brother’s girlfriend comes over and asks me if l got my wet specimens from Michael’s—because that’s where she got hers.

No, Madison, I got this jar of tattooed human fingers from a traveling expo at the convention center, thank you very much. And I paid $300 for the privilege.

It seems like everywhere you look now there’s a giant skeleton or mummified hand—depicted with increasingly realistic likeness, trust me, mass-produced for sale where just anyone can purchase it. For instance, all it takes is a few pounds of plastic and a 3-D printer to recreate Julia, the 6’2″ skeleton I purchased to match the one exhumed from H.H. Holmes’s estate.

6’2″ Julia used to be the tallest skeleton anyone had ever seen. Now, 15-footers spelling out H-O-T-T-O-G-O can be found throughout this country’s most regular-ass neighborhoods.

And that’s the other thing: having bones is weird, okay? Or it should be. If you have a bat skeleton in your house, it should have once been a bat. Why? Because that’s weird.

Taking all of the morbidity out of skeleton ownership is what makes it palatable for normies, and—worst of all—makes my house seem like a comfortable, non-creepy place for people to hang out all October. It doesn’t even occur to them that this box of squirrel femurs in my kitchen is here all the time.

So until craft stores sell squirrel femurs instead of a $4.99 box of “spooky toothpicks,” I want no part in the mass production of fake bones.

Basement Show Features Great Lineup of Local Molds

By Travis Tack 

CHICAGO — A basement venue known as Mouse Kingdom is quickly gaining a reputation for their great lineups of local molds, sources Googling if they need to go to the hospital confirm.

“The city has tons of great DIY spots with tons of great molds, but you won’t find a higher concentration of spores and mycotoxins anywhere else,” explained local musician Erik Reese. “Mouse Kingdom always has a really diverse blend of molds that are perfect for creating the type of toxic environment the local hardcore scene has always been known for. It’s really the epicenter of the fungal boom we’ve seen over the last few years. I love going there because you never know what you’re going to see and sometimes you just start randomly hallucinating.”

The venue’s success is largely due to founder Lacey Anderson, an amateur mycologist whose other hobbies include storing damp items and turning off the dehumidifier.

“It’s always been my dream to help grow and support local molds,” Anderson explained. “When I started producing shows, there wasn’t much here. We would have bands bringing molds with them from out of town, then some of those molds planted roots here. Now you can’t stop by without seeing Aspergillus, Stachybotrys, and Alternaria. It’s a whole culture and it’s spreading not just through the wall of this building, but throughout the greater Midwest scene. I love organizing the shows, but it’s exhausting. Also, it’s giving me a rash and neurological issues.”

Anderson’s efforts haven’t gone unnoticed, as Mouse Kingdom is now a regular feature in Chicago publications.

“I haven’t gotten respiratory diseases like this since the early ‘90s,” claimed music journalist Chuck Atkins. “This house has the kind of deep, funky moisture problems I never expected to see again. But thanks to people like Lacey cramping sweaty punkers into poorly ventilated basements in a way that reduces airflow and traps moisture, this city’s molds have stayed vibrant and strong. You can’t underestimate the impact this will have on future musicians and their central nervous systems.”

At press time, Anderson says Mouse Kingdom is still operational, but they had to cancel next week’s show because the ceiling collapsed and everyone got rhinitis.

More From The Hard Times:

All the ‘Hellraiser’ Films Ranked By How Good They Are to Show at Your Marriage Counseling Sessions

Toy Story 5 to Focus on Andy’s Funko Pop Collection

BY Rob Steinberg 

EMERYVILLE, Calif. — Disney and Pixar Studios are excited to announce that the 5th installment of Toy Story will be focusing Andy’s Funko Pop Collection

Director and writer Andrew Stanton was excited to reveal the news this week about his upcoming sequel.

“We’ve worked really hard on this premise and we think we nailed down the perfect next step in the storyline,” Stanton reported. “As Andy has been aging alongside the audience, it only makes sense that he is now a 37-year-old Youtube Commentator with a wall of Funko Pops behind him. Woody and Buzz, despite parting ways with him in Toy Story 3, will find their way back into his life only to find themselves at odds with several collectable Funko Pops.”

The animation team behind Stanton is over the moon about this premise as well.

“As Pixar animators, we find ourselves working countless hours designing new characters and finding the most expressive way for them to convey emotion,” said animator Gerald Barone. “It’ll be a huge load off our back when we just have to use the exact same giant head model over and over for all of these new characters. No more weeks of trying to get the right facial expressions because we now get a break and just give everyone those black soulless eyes.”

Pixar CEO Jim Morris has given some hints about the casting.

“Funko Pops gives us the opportunity to bring in all types of media properties for this film. Ryan Reynolds will be Funko Pop Deadpool, Seth McFarlene will be Funko Pop Stewie Griffin, and Tom Hanks will be playing multiple characters including Funk Pop Forrest Gump and Funko Pop David S. Pumpkins. It’ll be a nice little wink to the audience when they interact with Woody,” Morris explained. “We will also be teaming up with Funko to create our special line of toys that will be slightly different from the already existing toys so that you can now own special Toy Story 5 brand Deadpool Funko Pops.”

This upcoming Toy Story movie is predicted to be enjoyed by kids and parents alike as well as teach children the valuable lesson of not touching daddy’s figurines.