Hard Digest October 23: Early Access B-List Celebrities, Rage Against the Machine, Dedications, and More

Nation’s B-List Celebrities Announce Plans to Randomly Appear in Ad for Online Casino App

By Trevor Graham 

LOS ANGELES — B-list celebrities from every facet of the entertainment industry announced their plan to randomly appear in some casino gambling app you’ve never even heard of before, sources who always bet on black confirmed.

“We’re all super excited to help promote the seemingly unending stream of gambling apps that have hit the market in the last few years. It’s a great way for Americans to merge their addiction to gambling with their addiction to staring at their phones,” said “Suits” star Patrick J. Adams. “So be on the lookout for me, Kris Jenner, Paris Hilton, Joel McHale, and every cast member of ‘The Real Housewives’ to randomly appear on your TV or in the middle of a YouTube video shilling for some digital nightmare gambling thing that looks like it was cranked out by Russian A.I. real soon!”

Some consumers say they are confused by the sudden onslaught of celebrities appearing in the ads which even seem to include some notable A-list celebrities.

“I don’t understand what’s happening. I just saw Jennifer Lopez in an ad for some gambling app called Coin Master. And Jamie Foxx did one for MGM,” said a confused Allison Cranford from her couch. “I know a lot of mid-tier famous people do these ads, but J-Lo? Jamie Foxx? I even saw one with Kevin Hart. Do these big celebrities really need to be doing these ads? I assumed they would be concerned about their reputation. I remember when celebrities had to go to Japan to do commercials because they were too embarrassed to have them in the U.S. market. Guess those days are gone.”

Hollywood talent agent Kyle Schulster says the ads have given his clients a new revenue source in an increasingly competitive industry.

“With declining interest in movies and television, many of the actors we work with are looking for new ways to find work and stay relevant. Quite a few have done appearances on Cameo or ads for some kind of cryptocurrency, which even by Hollywood standards is pretty sleazy,” said Schulster. “I would say in about five years most celebrities won’t be acting in anything at all and will just be exclusively doing ads for casino apps and nothing else.”

At press time, the B-list celebrities also announced their plans to appear in ads for home internet service, insurance companies, car rentals, and pharmaceutical drugs for diseases you’ve never heard of.

Embarrassing! This Guy Clearly Started Singing the Words To “Guerrilla Radio” When “Testify” Came On And Everyone In the Car Heard It

By Kyle Donley 

Life is full of little embarrassments. Toilet paper on your shoe, forgetting a co-worker’s name, eating an entire bowl of fake plastic fruit in front of your girlfriend’s parents and then denying that it happened. We’ve all been there. You move on, apologize, and buy new plastic fruit if necessary. But for Todd Coulstring, life would never be the same.

It was an average Monday night. Todd and his boys – Brandon, Corey, and Justin – were on their way to a gentleman’s dinner. Todd allegedly had an in with the bartender at Buffalo Wild Wings and the vibe on the car ride over was jovial to say the least. Todd regaled his boys with familiar stories about the time he had to take a shit at a Faith No More concert and how he was one of the naked dudes at Woodstock ‘99. To those who knew him well, this was “Classic Todd.” But when “Testify” came on the radio, everything changed in an instant.

“He was all like, ‘Lights out! Guerrilla TESTIFY!’ as if everyone in the car would not realize the subterfuge at play,” Brandon recalled. “I was embarrassed to call him a friend. I deleted his number from my phone while he was still sitting next to me, and I texted my wife and told her to remove him from our Christmas card list.”

What was even more unnerving was the fact that Todd didn’t even say “my bad” or “ahh shit.” According to multiple reports he made no mention of the blunder and immediately became preoccupied by the air conditioner settings. Upon pulling into the parking lot, he dropped his boys off, stating they should get a table while he looked for a spot even though there were multiple empty spots. He has not been seen since.

After an outpouring of support on social media, Rage frontman Zack de la Rocha had this to say about the incident. “Super disrespectful. I mean ‘Testify’ was all about the Marxist Conflict Theory and American media’s blindness to global inequality and ‘Guerrilla Radio’ was about how the American media shapes our presidential elections. Not the same thing at all. Plus one is all like ‘Nur nur nurnur nur nur nur nur nurnur’ and the other’s all ‘Nur nur nur nur nur nur whoosh whoosh nur nur.”

If anyone knows of Todd’s whereabouts, please contact The Hard Times so that we can further investigate how an otherwise ordinary man could get two obviously different singles from “The Battle of Los Angeles” confused.

Heartwarming! Venue Names Only Bathroom Stall After Deceased Scene Legend

By Ben Friedman

OAKLAND, Calif. — Local punk venue Lost Star announced that it would be honoring the life of recently deceased scene legend “Rabid” Robbie Johnston by naming its only bathroom stall after him, attendees of the unveiling ceremony have reported.

“In the ten years I’ve been running the place I don’t think Robbie missed a single show. He really was the glue holding this scene together both artistically and as a weed plug. After he was crushed by a garbage truck while dumpster diving I thought the most appropriate way to commemorate his life was to name our bathroom stall after him. It was where he spent a majority of his time after all,” said owner Travis Adamski. “I know it means we’ll have to clean the toilet more than twice a year, but for Rabid Robbie it’s worth it. I hope when anyone uses it from consuming too many pickled olives and Old Styles, they’ll think of him.”

Johnston’s brother was on hand to represent his family during the naming ceremony.

“I can’t think of a higher honor for Robbie than this. Truth be told he spent a considerable amount of time passed out in the trough, but naming the stall after him is a bit more dignified. I wish the rest of my family could join us but they were worried about getting tetanus,” said Michael Johnston. “I miss him dearly, but it’s comforting to know his legacy will live on as a place where punks can write obscenities and ACAB on the stall walls like he would. Rest in power, brother.”

Despite multiple requests, the City of Oakland declined to make the venue’s stall an official memorial site.

“The fact that Johnston’s family is filing a wrongful death suit against the Department of Sanitation has nothing to do with denying the bar’s request for an official memorial plaque. It’s just that we want our commemorations reserved for community leaders and trailblazers, but we are flooded with requests to name streets and parks after some crust punk who saw Discharge 50 times,” said city hall rep Janice Jones. “That’s not to say we deny all of them, we just relegate those tributes to back alleys and bus stations, but certainly not bathroom stalls. Then again that might inspire punks to stop urinating on existing memorials.”

As of press time, the stall officially opened to the public after the ceremonial puking into the toilet.

More From The Hard Times:

“Home Movies” Characters Ranked by How Likely They Are to Vehemently Defend Crowdkilling

Every 3 Inches of Blood Album Ranked Worst to Best

Arnold Palmer’s Huge Dong to Be Cover Star of Next 2K PGA Tour Game

BY Matt Fresh 

NOVATO, Calif — While details on the game itself are still being kept under wraps, 2K has officially announced the cover star of the next installment of its PGA Tour game series. Arnold Palmer’s huge dong.

2K Representative Robert Garrett made the official announcement in a press release.

“As we gear up to release the next installment in the PGA Tour series we need a cover star who not only represents the sport but will also get people excited and draw in new gamers to the series. And after a long, hard discussion at 2K we made the decision that our cover star will also be long and hard. We are proud to announce that legend of the links Arnold Palmer’s penis will be gracing the cover of our next game.”

Garrett broke down what led to Palmer’s famously massive dong to be chosen to grace the cover of the game.

“Well for this entry, we really wanted to honor the history of the sport so we needed a legend amongst legends to grace the cover. While there are a lot of golfers who match that criteria, nothing in golf history is as legendary as Palmer’s huge hog. That thing would bring other legends of the sport to their knees in amazement. It was awe inspiring. And that’s what we want the cover to be, awe inspiring.”

Not much is known about the game yet but Garrett did reveal that in addition to being the cover star Palmer’s pythonic penis would also get its own showcase mode in the game.

“We want players to not just be a witness of the legendary penis but we want them to experience its place in golf history. In the Arnold Palmer’s Schlong Showcase mode players will get to relive historic moments throughout the career of Palmer’s gigantic genitalia. From 1955 to 1973 Palmer won 62 PGA Tours and players will get to relive each and every time he blew away his colleagues in the showers afterwards. It’s a great way to get players to learn about the history of the sport.”

At press time, Donald Trump had reportedly pre-ordered multiple copies of the game.

I Played an Early Build of Titanfall 3 in a Dream I Had Last Night

BY Nick Coffman 

LOS ANGELES – It’s real, Titanfall 3 is real and I’ve played a full level of the campaign in a dream I had last night. Yes, it was a dream, but it was so real. Respawn Entertainment CEO, Vince Zampella, the entire workforce at Respawn, and you, the person reading this, were all there in my dream last night. 

“We wanted to up the scope of Titanfall 2’s campaign, so we added Titans for your Titans. After calling down a Titan, you can now call down an even bigger Titan that your Titan can pilot,” Zampella explained, while wearing the shit out of some cat ears. “We’ve heard the complaints from the last game, so this time around we’re adding a mom friendly mode where players can call their moms from their Titan, or their Titan’s Titan at any point in the campaign.”

The early campaign level I played through featured all the trappings we’ve come to love from the underappreciated series, including you dear reader, harping in my ear about how “EA treats the series terribly” and how “Titanfall 2 is on the level of Half-Life 2”. Zampella stabbed you to death before returning my attention to the demo.

“You’ll also notice we’ve completely taken all the sound out of this one. That’s right, you’ve got to make all your own noises,” Zampella explained, before imitating the sounds that should be in the game.”BOOM! KAK KAK KAK KAK KAK KAK. Prepare for Titanfall. Zwoop THWOOOOOOOOMMMM DOOGE! BREEH. Titan online. BOOM BOOM BOOM.”

I joined Zampella, imitating his foley noises. I then looked across the space we were in. It looked like an outdoor food plaza mall-type thing, but it also didn’t look like any place you’d ever seen. I saw numerous Respawn employees. Some joined us in the noise making. Others wept, while wearing ripped clothing and playing with lightsabers. A man in a suit, at least, I think it was a man, his face was inhuman and incomprehensible, stood amongst the employees. He spoke to me, but his lips did not move.

“We’ve studied the market. People don’t want this,” the man’s words echoed through my head. “People want whatever we give them on FM radio, in the movie theaters, or on CBS’s prime time slot. The market has never been wrong. All hail the market. All hail the market. All hail the market.”

At press time, I woke up screaming in a cold sweat, but was able to put myself back to bed with the background noise of Big Bang Theory.