Hard Digest October 21: Early Access Fugazi, Mist Monsters, Dead Punks, and More

Fugazi Cancels Highly Anticipated Reunion Tour Due to High Ticket Sales

By Bob Kerr

WASHINGTON — Legendary post-hardcore band Fugazi announced they would be canceling their reunion tour because interest in the shows has been too high, confirmed sources who wouldn’t have bought tickets in the first place if they thought it would offend them.

“We didn’t want this sort of acclaim when we formed this band,” said frontman Ian MacKaye. “Fugazi was never about selling out. And that includes tickets to our shows. We love our fans, but I didn’t get into this business to make money. It’s not our brand, and I hate the fact I just used the word ‘brand’ unironically. So when our manager told us that we were practically selling out every show, I pulled the plug. No fucking way am I going to make a profit from my art. That’s why our music is available on Spotify. We make almost nothing from those streams.”

Although the news left fans disheartened, some choose to look on the bright side.

“I was stoked to see the show and even had my ‘This is not a Fugazi t-shirt’ ready to go,” said hardcore fan Morley Tompkins. “But it’s a good call on their part. After all, what’s a Fugazi show if you can’t freely move your arms around without hitting someone. And waiting in line to use the bathroom? No Fugazi fan would stand for that. Personally, I think the band should have charged more for tickets to keep out the posers. I would have happily paid $7 to see them reunite. But then again, it wouldn’t be a Fugazi show if I paid more than five bucks to get in. So it’s virtually impossible to make it work.”

Small venue owners around the country felt like they were shafted by the band’s last-minute cancellation.

“It’s a damn shame when a semi-iconic band cancels shows,” said Grady Studebakker, owner of the Yuckies venue. “Like, it was going to be the largest group of people we would have had in here! My one bartender even made up a drink for the band called the ‘Fruit-Gassy.’ I mean, it’s just carbonated fruit punch, but it would have gone gangbusters with the straight edge crowd. Turns out, Fugazi is against any kind of merch, so that drink was one of the reasons they cancelled on us. It was merch-adjacent, I guess. That bartender was immediately fired.”

At press time, Eventbrite refunded all of the tickets, totaling $430.

I Don’t Care How Long We’re Trapped in This Supermarket Surrounded by Mist Monsters, I’m Not Listening to Your Band’s New Song

By Jonah Nink 

It’s been days since we were first trapped inside this supermarket by the mist. Anyone who goes outside is doomed to be butchered by horrible alien monsters lurking inside the white haze. Supplies are running low, and people are starting to get paranoid. What I’m saying is no, I don’t want to listen to your band’s new song.

I didn’t want to listen before I saw a man get bisected by a vagina crab monster. What makes you think I want to now?

Shame on me for thinking it’s inappropriate for you to start playing your dumbass indie song after we watched that teenage ginger get dragged into the mist by a giant veiny, alien tentacle. Hot take, I know. Maybe if I had more respect for independent musicians, it wouldn’t have peeled the kid’s skin off like fruit roll-up.

That supply run out to the pharmacy would have gone flawlessly if we hadn’t been ambushed by those giant spiders. And what woke up the spiders? Was it the guy who started talking out loud about which reverb effects he used on his vocals? Or maybe the guy who put earbuds on the corpse stuck to the wall, which was obviously filled with baby spider monsters, to “make sure he can hear the cool bass riff in the interlude.” Wait, that was you! You did both of those things!

They say the mist monster rampage was the result of government boogeymen tampering with eldritch powers beyond their understanding. Not unlike how you’re tampering with these hands if I see you pull out fucking SoundCloud again.

Why were you in the supermarket to begin with? Oh, right. You work here.

Somehow, it’s the people inside who are scarier than the monsters outside. Take away only a few modern comforts and society collapses, good people go insane. You’ve said “big things coming” enough times now that everyone in the store believes you’re a prophet and are starting to form a cult around you. I bet it’s nice to have more than three followers for once.

I’ve had enough. I’m making a run for it with my son and these old people. I’m fully aware that the military is about an hour away from saving us, but I’m still going to kill them and myself because your new single sucks that much donkey dick.

Dead Punk’s Will Mostly Just Giving Friends Back the Stuff He Stole From Them

By Dan Kozuh

BALTIMORE — Recently deceased punk Cary Lowery’s will primarily consisted of returning the stolen property he took from his closest friends over the years, confirmed sources who were wondering where their beloved possessions went.

“[Lowery] was notorious for both his contributions to the punk scene and his habit of sort-of borrowing things without returning them,” said friend and mourner Valerie Shelton after she was willed her own turntable. “I just figured he pawned it. But nah, turns he actually kept it the whole time. Just goes to show you that you don’t really know people as well as you might think. I also got back a pack of cigarettes he took from me last week, though it was empty.”

Public defender Angelia Campos, who represented Lowery’s various criminal cases over the years, turned out to be the executor of his estate, much to her own surprise.

“According to Lowery’s will, the distribution of his estate is simple: a pile of borrowed goods and lifted items, each tagged with a note of apology or, in some cases, a vague description of when he ‘acquired’ them,” Campos said. “It will be a bittersweet day for many of the people here because, while Lowery’s is gone — they are getting back their favorite leather jacket, records, and skateboards they long thought lost, or knew Lowery had but were too shy to ask for them back. We do have a whole pile of Zippos here and not sure whose is whose, so that’s going to be first come first serve.”

Experts see situations like this more than one might think.

“From a legal standpoint, it’s highly unusual but not unprecedented to see wills focused on the return of borrowed—or, in this case, stolen—items,” said estate law expert Julian Harris. “Technically, the deceased is redistributing their personal property, but when that property rightfully belongs to someone else, it creates a unique situation where the will serves more like a confession than an inheritance plan. It’s almost like he’s tying up the loose ends of his life… one stolen guitar at a time. Legal snags can occur however when the deceased uses the stolen item to give as a gift for someone else. I’ve seen cases drag on through the court for years over a single hoodie. ”

The will reading was immediately preceded by a luncheon catered by Compassion House Soup Kitchen and a performance by Lowery’s favorite local band Fuck You, I’m Glad You’re Dead.

More From The Hard Times:

Top 30 Goth Songs to Put on Your Halloween Playlist to Make It Look Like You Hang Out at Cemeteries

Every Deicide Album Ranked Worst to Best

Hyrule Ophthalmologist Fully Booked With Bosses Who Have Gigantic, Pulsating Eyes

BY Steve Packosky 

HYRULE — Local resident and certified ophthalmologist Tarrin has no openings for the foreseeable future due to an influx of appointments with bosses with gigantic, pulsating eyes, sources report.

“I don’t see this changing for at least the next six Blood Moons,” the doctor sighed while smoking a cigarette outside of his Hateno Village practice. “It’s not like I can turn away these patients. Look, I’m as disgusted as anyone about the chaos that’s been wrought upon our land since the Upheaval, and I definitely do not agree with Ganondorf’s politics, but what can I do? I’m bound by the Hippocratic Oath to provide care to anyone who needs it, including his underlings.”

One of Tarrin’s boss patients offered to weigh in on condition of anonymity.

“I’m supposed to be at my post hiding under the floor of a nearby temple until someone can solve a series of puzzles that will unleash me, but I just had to get this looked at,” the boss said while pointing at a severely infected and swollen eye in the center of his forehead. “Doesn’t this look horrible? On the off chance that some brave Hylian swordsman notices this, I’m done for. It hurts like hell when I touch it, so I don’t even want to think about what’ll happen if it gets hit with an arrow.”

Kitu, a hopeful patient from Zora’s Domain, was distressed at her inability to book an appointment with Tarrin.

“Ugh, what am I going to do?” Kitu lamented. “My eyes have been so irritated since this black oil showed up in the water in my neighborhood. I’m pretty sure I have chemical conjunctivitis, but the receptionist at Tarrin’s office said they can’t take me anytime soon. The next closest ophthalmologist in my network is in Gerudo Desert, which definitely isn’t conducive to my skin type. I guess I’m just going to have to suck it up and venture down there.”

At press time, the ordeal was exacerbated tenfold when someone agitated the chickens in Kakariko Village, driving them into a pecking frenzy that caused multiple eye injuries.

Tony Hawk Nervously Looks Left, Right Before Booting up “Skate 3”

BY Peter Ferrarese 

SAN DIEGO — Skateboarding legend and philanthropist Tony Hawk was seen tiptoeing through his house in the dark of night, nervously looking to his left and right in order to make sure nobody was watching before booting up and playing “Skate 3” on his Xbox 360, sources confirm.

“Look, I get it. The guy needs to unwind sometimes, and who wants to be staring at their own polygonal face on screen whenever they do a virtual pop shove-it?” neighbor Bobby Allen said in a statement. “Sometimes it’s nice to not have to worry about your franchises and just do what you do best: show those freaking posers that you’re still the king, even in a video game.”

Local punk and skateboarder Kyle Fuller reacted to reports that, after making sure that no one was watching, Hawk breathed a sigh of relief, then looked around a second time to ensure there wasn’t anyone who could document him showing those “Skate” nerds a thing or two.

“Ok, like, sure, maybe the dude’s not coming down to the local half-pipes anymore, but he’s still the best,” said Fuller. “Sometimes at night the guys and I will pull up at his place with binoculars and just watch him go to town in Skate 3. Man, the dude’s still got it…uh, wait, don’t tell anyone I said that thing about the binoculars.”

According to Hawk’s spouse, Catherine Goodman, “Skate 3” is just a nice way for her husband to wind down after a long day, and that’s all there is to it.

“So he doesn’t play Pro Skater—big whoop! He’s still a Pro Husband, let me tell you. After a night of really going at it in the sack, he deserves to play whatever he wants,” Goodman said. “Why do you losers even care, anyway?”

At press time, Hawk was spotted putting on a helmet and knee-pads and downing a Red Bull before returning to the couch to absolutely clown on some in-game fools.

Shrinkflation Making It Impossible to Hide Razor Blades in Candy

BY Jake Mooney 

SALEM, MA — A recent change in the size of Hershey’s bars has made tampering with the candy an impossible task for resident weird guy Harold Stalk, frustrated sources confirmed.

“I’m just a little dumbfounded here,” Stalk vented his frustrations in his latest YouTube video on how Hershey’s shrinkflation has completely upended his purpose in life. “I’m the reason that urban legend even exists! Hiding razor blades in candy is literally the only thing that brings me joy! But now you can clearly see the blade poking out of the much-smaller chocolate. What am I supposed to do now?”

While blade-free candy sounds like more of a solution than a problem, local trick-or-treaters found that Halloween just doesn’t feel the same anymore.

“It really takes the thrill out of the whole experience,” Oliver Caramel, 7, commented on Stalk’s video. “It’s called ‘trick-or-treating’ for a reason, you know. The rush you get from blindly devouring your candy haul, not knowing if this chocolate bar will be your last, it really does something for me. It fills a void.”

After Stalk’s video went unexpectedly viral, Hershey responded with a statement of their own.

“We completely understand your frustration”, explained Hershey’s Senior Chocolate Economist, Monet Baggs. “We here at Hershey’s actually think this is a great thing. I mean think about it! Now the would-be lacers have to find new, innovative ways to tamper with their candy. We don’t see this as ‘shrinkflation’, rather an opportunity for a new generation of lacers to make their mark on the world. Feel free to share your new lacing methods with the hashtag #HersheysHalloween! The most revolutionary tamperers will be sent a candy care package, so long as they pay for shipping.”

At press time, Stalk uploaded a new video saying that his problems have been solved after Gillette razors also underwent shrinkflation, allowing the smaller blades to fit inside the smaller candy.