Hard Digest October 20: Early Access Drum Solos, Goth Moms, Biden, and More

Local Dad Unknowingly Performs Greatest Drum Solo of All Time on Belly of Labrador Retriever

By Livy Berry

MILWAUKEE — Local suburban father Dave Johnson made history after inadvertently performing the greatest rock and roll drum solo of all time on the willing belly of his best friend and dog Teddy Johnson, confirmed extremely impressed sources.

“Yeah, Teddy loves when I smack his gut to a steady beat and call him the ‘goodest boy in the whole wide world,’ he just goes nuts for it,” Johnson claimed. “Sometimes he lays down for me, and I just go to town on that K9 abdomen. Normally, I’ve got something going in my head like some Zeppelin ‘Moby Dick’ but today I was just rockin’ my own thing. I might be nuts, but I think I made a pretty solid beat. Some have even called me the Neil Peart of pet stomach drumming, which is a title I do not take lightly.”

Ralph Matthews, a neighboring dad, happened to catch this historic event while he was grilling some steaks.

“I was just flipping some excellent hunks of cowboy meat, when I heard Dave start going in on Teddy’s belly,” said Matthews. “At first I thought he was busting out some classic Sabbath, but then something happened. It was so breathtaking, I had to stop grilling for several minutes just to listen. The talent, the technique, you just had to be there! About three minutes in, I said to myself, ‘Ralph, you gotta get a video of this!’ And I guess I was right to, because everybody I sent it to was blown away! It even went viral on my Facebook with 37 total likes.”

Immediately upon hearing Johnson’s recording, Mark Wallace, director of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, recognized the significance of the situation.

“We have already begun construction on a sculpture commemorating this incredible moment!” said Wallace, who has been directing the hall of fame for the last 10 years. “I have been in this business for a very long time, and I’ve never seen anything quite like this. Dave and Teddy Johnson’s names are gonna be right up there with John Bonham and Animal from ‘The Muppets,’ if not higher. The sculpture is projected to be finished by the end of the year. It’ll go right next to our statue of the teenager who performed a stunning drum solo on this classroom desk in 1997.”

At press time, Johnson was not nearly as impressive after awkwardly attempting a follow-up performance on his reluctant cat’s belly.

As the Only Goth Mom on This PTA Board I Should Be Able To Run the Blood Drive However I Want

By Laura Lewis 

First, let me just say that there’s a legally compliant way to run a blood drive for elementary school students (boring!), and then there’s the right way to run a blood drive for elementary school students. For those of you who think we’ve done it the wrong way—just because we got hit with a few tiny fines and a pending lawsuit, I can assure you there is still no one on this board more qualified than me for the job.

Sure, we got off to a less-than-ideal start when students and parents alike complained that the flyers were illegible. They weren’t able to decipher “where the event was held” or “how to participate” or “what time is it even” but they were thinking too small. The important thing was that the font on the flyers exactly matched that of the art nouveau version of the original 1922 Nosferatu movie poster. If this community can’t appreciate basic allusion, that’s on them.

And yeah, I already apologized for blowing the budget on dry ice and coffins, okay? That one’s on me. But, frankly, inflation should have been factored into the budget in the first place. No one listened when I said dry ice prices were on the rise, and that it costs an average of 20% more per month to fill my house with it. Then somehow it’s a surprise when it took $400 worth to properly outfit the gymnasium.

Plus, those coffins were real. I’ll have you know that I covered the shipping costs myself. Anyone else here wanna guess how much time and money it takes to ship a half-dozen exhumed coffins to the Richmond suburbs via a creaky ship from Romania? A lot.

Also, like, on whose authority did those EMTs report us to the state for collecting the blood in engraved silver carafes and 18-century leech vials? They hold way more than those little plastic bags. I was doing them a favor. Just because one child dropped their vial, got lost in the dry ice fog, slipped on the blood, and landed in a coffin where no one could see or him for 2 hours (or hear his screams over the sound of Goodbye Horses playing on a loop), doesn’t mean it was an inherently bad idea.

Anyway, all that aside, I motion that I should be able to retain my event organizer title. I’m willing to fall on my sword here (technically, it’s Elizabeth Bathory’s ceremonial dagger, but it’ll do just as well) and assume responsibility for this whole thing. And I promise next month’s Headless Turkey Trot Corn Maze will go a lot smoother.

Biden Sends Netanyahu Birthday Card With $5 Bill, Additional $1 Billion Arms Shipment

By The Hard Times Staff 

WASHINGTON — President Biden sent his longtime friend Benjamin Netanyahu a thoughtful handwritten birthday card with a crisp $5 fresh off the mint, as well as another billion dollars in weapons to continue Israel’s assault on multiple civilian populations, sources confirmed.

“I love the birthday cards I get from politicians around the world, but it really warms my heart whenever American lawmakers take the time to send me well wishes,” said Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “Democrats or Republicans, it doesn’t matter I love them all. And I keep a list of everyone who doesn’t reach out and I’ll ensure they are voted out of office soon. Joe’s latest card was really touching. He said he loved me at least a dozen times, male friendships are tough to maintain as you get older and I hope we stay in touch when he leaves office I really do. I’m going to miss having him around. He’s always been so quick to send me all the weapons we need and he always steps in to make sure other countries don’t sanction us for ‘war crimes.’”

President Biden says he spent hours crafting the perfect card.

“Listen Jack, I love arts and crafts. Since I was a boy, a small little boy in a working-class family in Scranton, Pennsylvania I’ve made every birthday card I ever sent by hand. Sometimes I’ll paint some raw macaroni and glue it to card stock, other times I write a nice little poem, but for Bibi I went all out,” said the lame duck President. “This card was a hand-drawn timeline of our friendship. I remember the first time I helped send him missiles back in 1996. Since then I’ve helped authorize hundreds of arms shipments to him. Literally billions in American taxpayer money sent to my close personal friend, I only wish I could send him more. That’s why I sent him the extra $5.”

Political analyst Kimora Phillips was not surprised by Biden’s generosity.

“Every American politician for the past 60 years has had to pledge their undying loyalty to Israel. Netanyahu knows this and takes full advantage of it. I know Senator John Fetterman sent the Prime Minister a few pairs of his favorite sweatpants and a few Steelers Terrible Towels,” said Phillips. “President Trump sent Netanyahu a few boxes of Trump-branded steaks, water, and alcohol which apparently made the Prime Minister very sick. Some people thought it was an assassination attempt at first, but then realized that’s what happens to anyone dumb enough to consume a Trump product.”

At press time, Trump and Harris set aside their difference to send Netanyahu a joint video where they both expressed their love for the genocidal leader.

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James Cameron Announces He No Longer Most Annoying Guy You Follow’s Favorite Director

BY Graham Morris 

LOS ANGELES — In a press conference, Director James Cameron (“Titanic,” “Piranha II”) announced his retirement from position as the most annoying guy you follow’s favorite director.

“I’ve cherished my long years in this position, beginning in early 2022 when everyone over-corrected on ‘Avatar,’” the prolific “$”-drawer said, “but all things must end. When I saw the most annoying guy you follow call Francis Ford Coppola’s harassment allegations ‘king shit,’ I knew partnering with an AI company was the only behavior he couldn’t easily overlook.”

Cameron’s role on the board of Stability AI has sent ripples through the X.com film community, which was once united in support of “Big Jim.” The most annoying guy you follow took to the former social media giant to make his position clear.

“I knew it was coming,” the most annoying guy you follow said in an official statement to his X account, “I wanted to believe the ‘True Lies’ upscale was an isolated incident, but everyone has their limits. It’s a strange feeling, I usually reserve my contempt for any director born after 1965. I will be taking a short break from social media to locate another vulgar auteur who will assuredly be old, white, male, and with a history of questionable treatment of actors.”

Film Twitter industry experts have weighed in on whether or not this change in the most annoying guy you follow’s directorial rankings a sign of long-term change, or a momentary blip. 

“Shake-ups like this have to happen every once in a while,” Billie Wilks, host of film podcast “Ratnerssaince,” direct messaged. “They’re nothing to lose sleep over. It won’t be long before Stability AI’s puppeteered dead actors, 13-fingered Na’vi, and James Cameron dialogue will be seen as works of outsider genius unappreciated by establishment critics.”

What this means for the future of Jim-posting remains unclear. At press time, the most annoying guy you follow was seen rating “Hacksaw Ridge” five stars on Letterboxd with the review “He has the juice!!”