Hard Digest October 13: Early Access Halloween, Bank Heist, AA Meetings, and More

HR Rep Already Knows Who’s Going to Get Fired for Wearing Blackface for Halloween

By Ben Friedman 

OMAHA, Neb. — HR generalist Annie Washington claims she already knows who within the company is going to be fired for donning blackface this Halloween season, nervous employees report.

“When you work in corporate HR for as long as I do, you develop a skill to suss out who in the office is going to throw common sense out the window and wear blackface for an ill-conceived topical Halloween costume. And since this has become an ongoing issue thanks to these idiots popping up on social media, I started the termination paperwork now so they’re gone before the public finds out these idiots worked here,” said Annie Washington. “I’ve developed my own algorithm to narrow them down. If they’re between the ages of 24 to 29, were active in Greek life at a Southern college, and pay for a blue checkmark on X, then there’s a 99% they’re dressing up as Mark Robinson, Simone Biles, or a ‘Haitian Pet Eater.’”

The mood in the office has become tense after employees discovered HR had their eyes on specific individuals.

“Well don’t look at me, I’d never do a thing like that, even though I don’t understand why anyone would be offended over a costume. Someone else, I mean! Anyway, last time I checked this was America and we have a little something called freedom of expression,” said Junior Sales Associate Mark Donahue. “Annie can’t prove anything just because she overheard me at lunch talking about where to find grease paint and ‘Blacks for Trump’ merch. It absolutely doesn’t prove I’m going to do something to get canceled at my cousin’s Halloween party. Allegedly!”

Job coaches and recruiters have changed their tactics due to inevitable yearly occurrences of blackface costumes.

“Racist costumes were bad enough before social media captured everything, but anyone who does it now is a walking PR nightmare waiting to happen. Before we send any of our candidates to a work site, they have to watch a four-hour video introducing the concept of negative consequences and how dressing up as racial caricatures is bad. It sounds like common sense, but some folks need it beaten into them,” said Jenny Lanning. “We’ve lost clients because of multiple temps not knowing dressing up as OJ Simpson and posting it on Instagram was a bad thing.”

After some consideration, Washington had the employees she’d suspected fired preemptively after confirming their group costume would be based on the film “Cool Runnings.”

We’re Doomed: This Bank Heist Crew Said They’d Let All Hostages Go if You Can Name Every Member of Bowling for Soup and Specify if They’re Alive or Dead Without Googling

By Eric Farwell 

Former cover band and current heist team, Joe G. Whiz and the Egg Heads, are saying they’ll release every hostage in this PNC Bank if they can name each founding member of pop-punk group Bowling For Soup, and correctly identify if they’re alive or dead without looking it up. I don’t know if we’re going to make it out of here alive.

Initially, everyone was worried about not even knowing what Bowling For Soup was, but Jon Wag, an aging millennial in a Reel Big Fish t-shirt, was able to help everyone remember the group was maybe a novelty act, or at least had songs featuring a nasal singer and inoffensive guitar riffs that could easily be confused with ten other bands releasing music at the time. Optimistic, the nine other people in the bank asked Wag if they were a fan and might know the requested information. However, the millennial shared “I was more of a Sugarcult fan.”

The group set about trying to jog their memories for any information that might help them leave the bank safely. Things stalled when Anne Pretz, a realtor, suggested the band was featured on the 2002 Spider-Man movie soundtrack, and Ken Tellorico, a drunk, rolled up the leg of his pants to show off his tattoo of the artists on that soundtrack and pointed to each one as he explained who they were and what their contribution was. After a lengthy diatribe on Saliva and Josey Scott, Karen and Dane Bergabogen, two parents in their 60s, recalled that the bassist was fat or used to be fat, or maybe had a big beard. Pretz suggested everyone try and guess what someone fitting that description might be named. Realizing the task was impossible, one person, Jerrod Tilins, a producer, mentioned he played bass, which prompted three others to mention that they play bass in some group. Hope rose that one of them played in Bowling for Soup, but the musicians were in local bands only.

Some ground was gained when Savvi Saturoaka, a barista, realized she remembered a cover song called “1985,” prompting everyone to remember and say, inexplicably, “something Madonna/ Way before Nirvana” in a half-singing, half-speaking voice. A singalong broke out, lifting spirits in the process. However, an issue arose when some people sang “Girl All the Bad Guys Want,” instead of “1985.” One lone voice, Kevin Marble, an architect, sang “Life After Lisa,” further confusing everyone as to who exactly Bowling for Soup were.

Apparently my fellow hostages have agreed their best course of action is to try and goad Joe G. Whiz or one of the Egg Heads to order a pizza, at which point they will shout their question in the hopes that the teen taking their order will have nothing but time to look up how alive a very early 00s pop band is.

When Mr. Whiz opened a window to do some lemon-flavored vaping, he was asked by a reporter about how one comes up with such a demand. “When you play the VFW, jam at weddings, or get the bar mitzvah hopping for over 20 years, you remember a lot of one-hit wonders. Bowling for Soup might be the onest of one-hit wonders.”

Rumor has it Mr. Whiz and company are rethinking their plan after being exhausted by how obvious everyone is being in their attempt to order a pizza and ask about the members of a US band that now plays mostly in the UK.

Former Band Members Have to Pretend They Don’t Know Each Other At AA Meeting

By Adam Frost-Venrick

NEW ORLEANS — A weekly Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting was recently attended by all three former members of the band Cyanide Churro, who individually arrived hoping to address their drinking problems brought on by working with the other two.

“This is supposed to be anonymous,” said vocalist and bassist Kate Bernard. “So I guess I need to pretend I haven’t passed out naked with two other people here. I know that John has a kidney-shaped birthmark on his left buttcheek, for God’s sake. At one point, I stood up and threatened to bitch-slap Dave over an incident we had at this bar called Genteman Rodney’s. And then I had to immediately sit back down and say: ‘No. I do not know this person. We have never met.’ But I have met Dave I see him three times a week at least. And he knows what he did.”

The band, whose sound was described as “lo-fi-dixieland-space-swamp-cow-punk,” sent shockwaves of moderate disappointment through the hearts of a few online fans when it dissolved earlier this year.

“If you’d been there, you’d be a drunk too,” said lead guitarist John Corbeau. “It was all this constant bickering of ‘whose apartment do we rehearse in today?’ And ‘whose spouse is gonna man the merch table at the coffee shop tonight?’ Or ‘who begs their parents to fund our music video?’ It was exhausting. And when we weren’t fighting or working our day jobs, we were competing sexually. I don’t think any of us had a choice but to get shit-faced twenty-four-seven. Music’s hard. And frankly, not worth it.”

Though tensions were high between the Cyanide Churro members, perhaps no one suffered more than the regularly attending AA members who were just trying to get a hold on their sobriety.

“I’ve noticed that John, Dave and Kate bring a certain energy to the room when they attend meetings,” said group chair Matt Zubrowski. “A lot of cold glances and angry mutterings. A lot of snide laughter and throat clearings when one of them is sharing their stories. I know it’s redundant to say this here, but it’s a real buzz-kill. Some of us actually fell into alcoholism for reasons other than being trust fund kids in some sort of throuple.”

At press time, the former members of Cyanide Churro were avoiding eye contact as they walked to their cars, each blissfully unaware they will also run into each other at the same Sexaholics and Debtors Anonymous meetings later this week.

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NECA Releases JD Vance Figure in Universal Monsters Collection

BY bee 

HILLSIDE, N.J. — Action figure manufacturer National Entertainment Collectibles Association (NECA) has included vice presidential candidate James David Vance in their new limited edition line of Universal Monsters merchandise.

“It seemed like a good fit to us,” said Ann Muovi, design coordinator and lead painter at NECA. “Usually we negotiate with popular media brands to produce figures of their iconic characters, but nobody here knew anything about Vance. His campaign paid us a lot upfront so we had to come up with something, and after researching his role in ‘Project 2025’ we all think he’s a monster.”

The collection, licensed by Universal Pictures, features other famous film fiends like ‘Dracula’ and ‘Frankenstein.’ Reactions from figure collectors on social media have ranged from tepid to lukewarm.

“I bought Vance to fill a spot on my villains shelf but my wife said he’s too creepy to keep on display,” reported the horror-themed YouTube channel ‘Necaphiliac’ in a full review. “I tried to scalp him on Facebook Marketplace, figured someone there would want #1 of 50, but it’s been weeks without a bite and they aren’t even sold out on the NECA store. And I get it. ‘Hillbilly Elegy’ is the most boring B-horror ever. My kids turned it off before he even started killing people. So I’ll just put him in the closet next to my Ted Cruz Lego set.” 

Vance gave insight into the collaboration decision during a podcast which everyone agreed would not be fact-checked.

“I’ve always been a big fan of Necco figurines and it’s been great for the campaign,” said Vance. “The American working class loves my little doll. I’ve signed at least two thousand of them at rallies already. Cornering the high-end birthday gift market is my only way to reach the girlfriend and suburban mom vote. I’m aware of some negative responses but that’s just a bunch of childless toy guys.”

At press time, NECA issued an emergency recall after several customers were hospitalized from inhalation of toxic fumes when burning the figure as an effigy.