Hard Digest October 12: Early Access Rammstein, JNCO, HOA Laws, and More

Lifelong Metalhead Enters Third Consecutive Decade of People Assuming He Listens to Rammstein

By Steve Packosky 

BOULDER, Colo. — Local metalhead Theo Cordin entered the third consecutive decade of his friends and family assuming he was a fan of German Neue Deutsche Härte band Rammstein, annoyed sources confirmed.

“Yeah, dude, I fucking love metal,” the 46-year-old confirmed. “I got really into thrash when I was a kid, and then I heard Dismember’s ‘Like an Everflowing Stream’ for the first time when I was in middle school, and I’ve been a huge fan of death metal ever since. At no point have I ever listened to Rammstein, but try telling that to everyone else in my life. Just last night a drunk guy started singing that stupid-ass ‘Du Hast’ song at me in a bar when he saw my Obituary shirt. At this point, I just smile and nod when shit like that happens. Trust me, there’s nothing to gain by explaining why being a metalhead doesn’t automatically mean I listen to some German techno band.”

Cordin’s longtime friend Carl Bergquist commented on the situation.

“I’ve known Theo since we were in second grade, and he started wearing black shirts with skulls on them and growing out his hair soon after,” Bergquist noted. “I don’t really listen to stuff like that, but I’ll try to put on Rammstein in the car for him when we’re hanging out, or show him clips of contestants singing ‘Let the Bodies Hit the Floor’ on American Idol. He’ll smile and nod at me, so I can definitely tell he appreciates it. It’s nice to know that I have a common interest with a lifelong friend.”

Sociologist Andrea Marquez explained that members of music subcultures are often mistaken for fans of unassociated bands.

“This is an extremely common complaint amongst members of specific sects,” Marquez confirmed. “Crust punks will receive blink-182 albums as gifts from well-meaning family members, and people will try to relate to their trad goth friends by talking about Evanescence. It can be alienating being the only person in your community who’s a fan of a specific type of music, which is exacerbated by gestures like this. Loved ones who do this definitely have their hearts in the right place, but it would probably be best if they refrained from mentioning music in general.”

At press time, Cordin suffered a breakdown after his mother bought him a ticket to an upcoming Breaking Benjamin concert.

9 Ways To Ask Your Super To Fill Your Holes That Don’t Sound Like What I Just Said

By Violet Cowdin 

So it finally happened, huh? There’s a hole in your apartment. Wall, sink, tub, floor, it could be any of these options – yet they all leave you with the same groveling request: Will you fill my hole? Simply mortifying. Similar to the previous predicament, you could have any sort of super since they all boil down to: A person you would never want to beg to fill your holes. It’s something us renters all have the potential to face, yet we simply haven’t put in the work to expand the lexicon for the sake of our collective embarrassment.

I’m here to forge a new path. Or suggest some options that might feel more appropriate to you next time you come face-to-face with a hole. Below are 10 ways to ask your super to fill your holes that don’t sound like what I just said.

SOS! The mouse doors are ajar.
This is great if you have a mouse running around the house. It’s urgent, clear, and somewhat mysterious…conjuring adorable images of a tiny crime scene, and more importantly nothing sexy.

Are you free to permeate the empty parts?
This is a display of edging. Riding the line between erotic and technical. If you do want to flirt with your super, but don’t want to be too crass, this might be a perfect pick for you.

I need help overflowing the shapes in my walls
The perfect option for our architects, engineers, and plumbers. Artistic yet practical.

I don’t think Courtney Love would condone this kind of Hole. You free to come up and jam?
This would be ideal if you had a very chill and punk super.

Can you patch up the abstract wall art my boyfriend made?
We’ve all been there ladies: Dated a guy who punched holes in drywall. Sick bruh. Here’s an option that makes it feel a little cooler, might even lessen the pain of the reality that you have to break up with him, but that’s next problem. For now you just want to communicate to the super that you have a boyfriend.

I need you to penetrate the void.
A philosophically sexual statement that begs all kinds of questions. Like, a lot of questions and maybe some problems as well.

Can you top off the empties?
A great option for our service workers out there! Maybe you could even start calling your super ‘chef’ just to spice things up.

The house has been injured. Scalpel?
Another career specific option that sanitizes the ask.

I beg of you to mend the patches of my home.
Desperate, but oh so whimsical it almost doesn’t matter. This is a good option if you’re a renter looking to feel like a trad-wife writing in her secret diary.

I hope that one of these options can lessen the blow of your hole requests. You’re not alone in this. Just because you’ve found a hole doesn’t mean you can’t report it in your own way and on your own terms, no matter how confused your super may become.

JNCO Warns US Strategic Denim Reserve Could Be Depleted If Nu Metal Revival Intensifies

By Tim Graham 

LOS ANGELES — Garment company JNCO says renewed interest in their extra-wide legged jeans could result in a devastating shortage of denim, wallet-chain wearing sources confirm.

“We haven’t seen orders like this since the late ‘90s,” said JNCO VP of sales Richard Turnbull. “There was a time when it looked like we’d have to close our doors, but suddenly Gen Z discovered System of a Down and we’ve been going gangbusters ever since. Now we’re on the verge of running out of material as our signature pants require 20 times the amount of denim per unit as a regular pair of jeans. The federal government has complied with our request to tap into the Strategic Denim Reserve, which was established to mitigate such disruptions or shortages. It’s certainly helping, but will it be enough to satisfy demand?”

22-year old nu metal fan Alexis Domingo says she’ll be devastated if JNCOs become impossible to get.

“I’m not going to buy Temu knock-offs—I want the real thing,” said Domingo while binge-watching camcorder videos of ‘90s skaters in huge jeans. “I see some chumps buying Kevin Smith pants from big and tall stores and cinching their belts super tight, but it’s not the same. It looks like shit and comes off as desperate. I’m saving up to get my first JNCOs soon. But now I’m hearing rumors about shortages and denim rationing. I just can’t show up to a Korn show in skinny jeans.”

Department of Commerce Press Secretary Charlie Andrews stresses the importance of the US maintaining primacy in the global denim market.

“Since the invention of the humble blue jean, domestic denim manufacturing has been intrinsically linked to the United States’ identity as the vanguard of freedom itself,” said Andrews. “Jeans are an indelible symbol of America’s spirit of individualism and liberty. While the federal government does not condone the attitudes expressed in so-called ‘nu metal’ music, we cannot deny the genre’s uniquely American expression of fierce independence. Rest assured, we will be subsidizing increased denim production to ensure the reserve is not exhausted. God help us all if China steps in and gets a foothold in the giant jeans market. ”

At press time, Domingo had finally acquired a pair of JNCOs, but was reportedly ejected from a Limp Bizkit concert after using the pants to smuggle several cartoonishly-long hoagies and a three-foot bong into the venue.

Opinion: Show Me in the HOA Laws and Regulations Guide Where It Says I Can’t Hang “Audition” Themed Halloween Decorations Outside My House

By Steve Packosky 

OK, when I decided to buy a home in this community, I thought I’d enjoy a little bit of freedom in how I express myself on my own goddamn property. However, this ever-present policing over the decisions I make has gotten a little ridiculous, and since you’re holding the HOA Laws and Regulations in your hands right now, why don’t you show me the rule that specifically prohibits me from hanging “Audition” themed Halloween decorations outside my house? I’ll wait.

Yeah, that’s what I thought. Now why don’t you be a good little board member and kindly excuse yourself from my front yard?
What do you mean by “gratuitous and needlessly violent imagery” anyway? I’ve noticed you haven’t been pestering Bill Holdsworth over his headless horseman display, so why should you have a problem with my footless, near-naked man on all fours eagerly lapping up a bowl of fresh vomit? Talk about a double standard. And feel free to measure the height and width; I was pretty meticulous about staying within regulation there.

Oh, you’re not even going to bother? So you’re here to harass me about the rules you think I’ve violated and you’re not even willing to part with a single word of praise for the ones I’ve followed? You know what? I think you just have it out for me. Well, I’m not budging. Sue me.
Actually, please don’t sue me.

Don’t touch that Gigli saw! If you were on my lawn to admire and not admonish, I’d let you inspect more closely, but you’re clearly here in bad faith. And yes, it’s very sharp and hanging directly in the path of oncoming trick-or-treaters. Halloween is supposed to be scary. That’s the point! Haven’t you ever been to a haunted house?

OK, I’ll concede that the pre-recorded sounds of somebody groaning in impotent agony as needles are inserted under his eyes don’t need to stay on after 11PM. I’m big enough to admit that I didn’t think that one through, so we can find a compromise there. The bloody, detached foot stays, though. I don’t care how “shockingly vile and utterly lacking in taste” you think it is. That’s just your opinion, and it’s a poor one that’s been expressed rather rudely, at that.

And yes, not like it’s any of your business, but the dead dog is real. At least it’s taxidermied. I learned my lesson from last year’s “Gummo” display. Are we done here? You appear pretty determined to continue this absurd witch hunt, and I need to finish tweaking the flapping mechanism on this severed tongue. I guess we can continue this discussion at my disciplinary hearing. Same time and place as last year?

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Fishing Not as Fun as Fishing Minigame Implied

BY Nick Coffman 

LAKE GENEVA, Wisc. – Following an itch to get outdoors and take on a new hobby, local reformed gamer, Reggie Murphy, discovered that trading his Xbox for a tackle box wasn’t everything it was cracked up to be. The disgruntled fisherman could be heard hollering across Geneva Bay, confirming his disdain for fish, the act of fishing, and it being nothing like fishing minigames led him to believe it would be.

“I just wanted a distraction from my main quest in marketing for medical supplies. Whenever I need a break from gathering cult members in ‘Cult of the Lamb’ or banging my crush in ‘Stardew Valley,’ I just cast a line and fish the day away,” Murphy said, shaking his head at his nearby poles. “I am so good at those fishing minigames. You should see how many fish I can catch. No matter the fishing minigame, I am the fishing master. Here, I do ok, but where are the shadows so I know where the fish are? Where are the button prompts and the instant gratification of knowing the species, weight, and length apun catching the fish? I really feel like I was lied to.” 

Murphy continued to bellow, carrying on about the preparation that went into his fishing trip.

“Did you know you had to put a worm on the hook to entice the fish? I didn’t and now my fingers are all slimy. Even worse, the few fish I have caught I had to remove from the hook and now my fingers are even slimier. I can’t tell what’s worm slime and what’s fish slime,” Murphy’s voice echoed across the bay, scaring any nearby fish. “You don’t even need fancy rods. I got this nice one and this old one and they both caught the same little baby paddlefish. I don’t think any of these game developers have ever actually been fishing.”

Local Lake Genevans didn’t take too kindly to Murphy’s harsh words about fishing and their beautiful lake. This included the local Lake Geneva police who fielded multiple complaints about Murphy.

“We get disgruntled gamers often,” Deputy Marcie Bloom of the LGPD said heading to her squad car to drive out to Murphy’s location. “These folks get a small taste of fishing and think they can handle the real deal. This isn’t ‘Final Fantasy’ or ‘Red Dead Redemption,’ this fishing takes patience, which these gamers lack. These folks usually don’t cause much harm. As long as no other law has been broken we usually slap them with a warning for disturbing the peace and send them back home to their minigames.

At press time Murphy had been arrested for allegedly fishing without a license and for two counts of capturing a vulnerable spcies of paddlefish.