Hard Digest October 10: Early Access Border Policy, TMBG, Ben Gibbard, and More

Experts Warn Trump Border Policy Will Block Thousands of Canadian Girlfriends from Attending American Proms

By Dan Kozuh

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Experts warned that if re-elected, former President Trump’s stringent border policies could prevent thousands of Canadian girlfriends from making it to American proms this year, acne–covered sources report.

“Trump’s strict border security measures are going to ruin the prom experience for many young men,” said an anonymous immigration official. “For years, boys have relied on their Canadian girlfriends to not only validate their romantic tales but also save face during prom season. These relationships, which blossomed over one magical summer, are now in jeopardy. Imagine telling your friends that your date can’t come because she was stopped by border guards—nobody’s going to buy that!”

Many high school boys across the country are very worried about the possibility they might not be able to show off their potentially fictional girlfriend to their classmates.

“My girlfriend, Chloe, she lives in Toronto, we’ve been planning for her to come to prom for months,” said Derek Thompson, a junior at Lincoln High School in Alexandria, Virginia. “We’ve even picked out matching outfits and everything. But now I’m freaking out that she won’t be able to make it because of like fascism and stuff. I couldn’t wait to see Alex Fazio’s face when she showed up. Man, I wish I was old enough to vote!”

Trump, never one to shy away from controversy, doubled down on his stance.

“Only American girls should go to American proms, we have the best proms here. I was Prom King many times, many many times, when I graduated they still wanted me to be Prom King, this is true, I get a call each year from my high school asking, and they say this with tears in their eyes, ‘Mr. Trump, can you be our Prom King?’ And it’s tough to say now,” Trump declared at a rally in border state North Dakota. “Besides we got the best girlfriends right here in the U.S.A.—the most beautiful, the smartest, the best of the best. Why should we be letting Canadian girls come in and take away the spotlight from our incredible American girls? Like my daughter Ivanka, now that is a woman. These girls, they cross the border illegally, they want to take jobs from American teenagers, and even these Canadian aliens will eat your pets given the chance.”

As of press time, some boys are worried that even if the borders remain open, their wild Canadian girlfriends will all get grounded anyway and still can’t come.

I Think They Might Be Giants Is the Best Band in the World Unless You Disagree

By Bob Kerr 

Look, I’m not going to mince words here. I’m going to say this loud and proud: I think They Might Be Giants is the best band in the world unless you disagree. That’s right. I said it. The brilliant artistic vision that birthed from the music-loins of John Flansburgh and John Linnell is unmatched by any other musician ever. And if you have a problem with that, then I defer to your opinion.

Let me put it to you this way: “Put Your Hand Inside The Puppet Head” slaps way harder than anything Charli xcx ever made. Unless you think “365” slaps harder, then, okay. You’re probably right. But put “Puppet Head” up to anything else she’s done and you have to admit that it’s no contest. Of course, if you DO contest that, then I got nothing.

But hear me out. You can’t possibly come up with a better cohesive album than “Flood”, unless you can. Then alright. You win. But before I concede, I got four words for you: “Birdhouse For Your Soul.” What do you have to say about that? If it’s a shrug, then I hear you. Total shrug. Never mind.

Now, let’s be honest here, music fan to music fan. Flansburgh’s guitar work on his side-project Mono Puff is most likely the most incredible artistry that any player could possibly accomplish alive or dead, including Jimi Hendrix. However, if you were to say something like, “Jimi Hendrix’s playing is way better than Flansburgh’s and it’s completely absurd for you to even say that,” then, okay! Point made! I’m hard-pressed to disagree with you there.

But can you honestly think of another band that could write a better theme song for “The Daily Show” than TMBG? I don’t think so. Unless it’s LCD Soundsystem, Fatboy Slim or even The Strokes. Perhaps R.E.M. Or Yo La Tengo. Talking Heads, I guess. I’d even accept Weird Al.

Anyway, I might just sell these front row tickets to their show coming up. Unless you want to come for a laugh. I don’t care. Unless you care. Then totally. Or not. Whatever. Just don’t hit me.

Ben Gibbard’s Seasonal Depression Linked to Another Seattle Mariners Collapse

By Jose Balderas | October 11, 2024

SEATTLE — Death Cab for Cutie Singer Ben Gibbard revealed that his seasonal depression is linked to another Seattle Mariners’ season collapsing, after holding a 10-game lead on their division in June and just missing the playoffs, confirmed similarly frustrated sources.

“I know I’m going to hit an emotional wall around the middle of September when I know I won’t be watching Mariners baseball in a month. Even seeing the colors navy and northwest green on anything triggers it and I need to quietly strum an acoustic guitar and hum to myself, usually something that ends up becoming our next single, that’s how most of ‘Narrow Stairs’ was written. ‘Cath…’ is literally about watching the Phillies win and how jealous I was of their fans,” stated Gibbard. “I can’t even begin to describe my mental state when ‘The Sound of Settling’ was released after a Mariners 93-69 season and still missed the postseason.”

Long-time Death Cab for Cutie fan Leif Malikot couldn’t help but be excited when he noticed the Mariners were once again not in the playoffs.

“Death Cab has defined my youth and now adulthood with some of the best music of the indie genre ever produced. So when it’s clear the Mariners are not going to the playoffs, and more notably after a horrendous collapse, you know Ben is cooking up some amazing jams for the near future,” exclaimed Leif. “Sometimes we get some upbeat songs and catchy riffs, but it’s when the Houston Astros are in the playoffs once again instead of the Mariners is when Ben really shines. Clearly, that’s what ‘I Will Follow You into the Dark’ is about. Can’t wait for more classics!”

Official Mariners’ mascot, Mariner Moose, thanked fans during the last game of the season at T-Mobile park and left everyone hopeful for a better campaign in 2025.

“The game of baseball is always about giving it your all at the plate! I appreciate all the kind words from fans as the players and I try to keep you pumped up with every pitch! We just want to see everyone smile and have a good time at the games,” said the mascot. “Which is why I’m asking kindly once again for Benjamin Gibbard to please stop sending me demo recordings of his songs where he threatens me and blames me for the team’s shortcomings. It was funny the first few times but I’m prepared to take legal action if it doesn’t stop.”

As of press time, Gibbard also stated that a good 75% of his music since 2008 is about his heartbreak over the Seattle SuperSonics moving to Oklahoma City.

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EA Announces New Multiplayer Sims Experience Called “Going Outside”

BY Myles Conlon 

REDWOOD CITY, Calif — During EA’s Investor Day event, EA has unveiled a new multiplayer expansion to The Sims 4 in the works titled “Going Outside” which has led to varying reactions among fans of the series.

“I, much like many long-time Sims fans, was really excited to give this a try. But I can’t begin to understand what EA thought upping the difficulty for any and all social interactions out of nowhere,” said Morty Goth on the Sims subreddit. “I mean I have yet to have a single flirt interaction that actually succeeds. Not to mention the rather severe failure penalty that occasionally comes with trying to flirt that can disable your game altogether with the pepper sprayed status.”

Other fans also voiced complaints due to cheats being locked behind whatever family they chose to start in with even further restrictions following that if they wish to maintain that playstyle.

“I was completely locked out of any cheats unless I chose to start in a wealthy family. Even if you do pick the richer families to spawn into, while you may have access to cheats, you get stuck with either being named after your parents or something that I assume is a glitch cause there’s no way any human would name a child something this weird,” according to a player going by ʞ𝓎🅻Ꮛ 爪ʊⓢ𝕜.”Plus you also get locked out of transgender and gay options unless you give up all benefits you had from your origin, making this extremely limited for certain playthroughs.”

Meanwhile, while fans have had a less than positive reaction to this new experience, EA’s CEO Andrew Wilson has come forward to issue a statement on the expansion and its development.

“We understand that many fans have concerns with how quickly we may have pushed this expansion. However, we do want to state that this development cycle was done to get a product out to our consumers as quickly as possible at the cheapest price point possible,” said Wilson. “We wanted this to be developed as cheaply as possible so we did not need to burden our fans any more than necessary with recuperating any development costs. All with the idea that they could easily and cheaply jump right into this fresh new experience we’ve created for them”

Following the release of The Sims: Going Outside EA has announced an annual subscription fee players will be required to pay by the in-game month of April due to a partnership between EA and TurboTax.

“Senate Floor” Idle Game Lets Players Tap Screen to Fund Genocide in Gaza

BY Jacques Mouledoux

ALEXANDRIA, Va — Great news for mobile gamers who want to step into the hallowed halls of the United States Capitol and act like a senator. A new idle game called Senate Floor lets players tap their screens to fund genocide in Gaza.

Early reviews have praised the immersive way “Senate Floor” incorporates its story into the game’s mechanics.

“Much like the way United States senators sit in comfy chairs as they sign bills that enable Israel to decapitate Palestinian children halfway across the globe, players can tap their screens to fund war crimes from their own couches,” wrote mobile game critic Jeffery Cassidy in their 10/10 review.

And according to the game’s website, the controls are easy-breezy.

“Want to condemn Hamas? Tap the screen! Want to make a vague speech about hostages? Tap the screen! Want to hand eighteen billion dollars to a foreign power with a history of cruelty unmatched in modern history? You know what to tap!”

According to critics, the game is the first game of its kind to truly make players feel like an actual member of the United States government.