Hard Digest October 6: Early Access Lowes, Riverdance, Support Groups, and More

Lowe’s to Begin Selling 14-Foot Glenn Danzig

By Ryan Dondero 

MOORESVILLE, N.C. — Lowe’s executives announced plans to introduce a 14-foot tall Glenn Danzig ahead of the upcoming Halloween season, confirmed multiple sources following a shareholder’s meeting.

“The runaway success of Home Depot’s 12-foot skeleton caught everyone off guard. We knew we had to respond and that, whatever it was, it needed to be two feet taller,” said Lowe’s CEO Marvin Ellison. “After months of analysis, focus groups, concept testing, and product design, we finally landed on 14-foot Glenn Danzig, and let me tell you, we are excited. What says Halloween more than the guy who wrote the lyrics to ‘Halloween’ and also ‘Halloween II’?”

Local punk, Cara Daniels, is beyond thrilled to purchase a giant Danzig of her own, despite living in an 800-square-foot studio apartment with a roommate who “fucking sucks.”

“I am so stoked for 14-foot Glenn Danzig,” said Daniels. “I never give a shit about the stuff they sell at Lowes, but this is definitely the one exception. Have you heard they’re selling accessories so you can customize your Glenn? You can buy a devilock for Misfits-era Glenn or longer hair for the Samhain/Danzig-era Glenn. Lowe’s is selling leather pants, fishnet tanks, skull belt buckles, and leather gloves too! When this drops, I’m blowing a whole paycheck.”

“And I swear to fucking God, if my roommate ruins this for me, I’m done,” added Daniels. “He’s such a poser—‘Where’s a 14-foot Glenn Danzig gonna fit in our tiny apartment?’ Shut up, dork!”

Alexis Willis, an economist at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, specializes in Halloween economics and is the author of “Big Bones, Bigger Profits: How Home Depot’s 12-Foot Skeleton Changed America.”

“Halloween is a multi-billion-dollar juggernaut and it’s only getting bigger,” said Willis. “So far, Home Depot has been able to dominate in the production and sale of giant seasonal decorations. The 12-foot skeleton was a game changer, and no one has been able to quite catch up. Despite the excitement of some, I doubt giant Glenn Danzig is going to be the type of seller Lowes will need to keep pace with their rival. This is especially true given that Home Depot just announced plans for a 16-foot Danny Marianino.”

At press time, the real Glenn Danzig is still listed as 5’3”.

So Are We Just Not Going To Address Everyone’s Obsession With Riverdance in the ‘90s?

By Ben Friedman 

In the late '90s, there was this feeling that after grunge and alt-rock killed the '80s with extreme prejudice, our parents were left to wonder what they were allowed to like after their music was no longer deemed cool. And there like a candy bar placed under a box being held up by a stick was Riverdance, waiting to prey on their disposable income.

But I really think we should re-evaluate just what the actual fuck happened to make Riverdance the multi-million dollar powerhouse it became because it does not make any sense.

Michael Flatley, the so-called ‘Lord of the Dance’, seemingly came out of nowhere during the ‘94 Eurovision contest to capture the hearts and minds of 40-something boomers who’d clearly seen the ‘Pure Moods’ infomercial one too many times. Fast forward three years and every other commercial is selling the world on Irish step dancing being the biggest dancing sensation since Michael Jackson’s moonwalk.

Mind you this was at the height of alternative rock and (arguably) the best era of hip-hop. And yet people bought enough tickets to sell out shows to watch, rapt in awe mind you, people dance like they’re crushing a sudden cockroach infestation with occasional leaps. I feel like somebody was supposed to make sure Riverdance didn’t take up too big a chunk of the zeitgeist, but was distracted by the Monica Lewinsky scandal. Alas, Pitchfork wasn’t yet powerful enough to stop it.

It was always my assumption that Irish step dancing was just something you did to put on your college application when you weren’t cut out for real dancing. I get that this is a time-honored tradition in Ireland and in a bar setting three whiskeys deep it fucking rules, it’s just that Michael Flatley is from Chicago which made this whole thing seem like he was doing a bit as an excuse to dress like Sigfried and/or Roy.

Don’t tell me it didn’t happen. I saw it happen.

Honestly, the whole country just let Riverdance fever wash over it with absolutely no resistance. Flatley was just leading people into packed out venues like some kind of greased up and shirtless pied piper, and everyone involved in the production made out like bandits too. They were even selling a soundtrack of people stomping for fuck’s sake!

Riverdance lives on believe it or not, and we need to send tickets to some cultural anthropologists and figure out why before it’s too late and it comes back around like another wave of ska.

Support Group Opens For People Who Chronically Listen to the Same 15 Songs

By Arielle Andreano 

BANGOR, Maine. — Local community organizers recently announced the formation of a support group for music lovers who cannot stop listening to the same hour-long playlist, excited sources confirmed.

“It’s been a really underserved community, which I know all too well, as I struggle with this affliction myself,” explained support group co-founder Angela Bernabeo. “We can’t help it. We were born this way. We genuinely want to listen to more music, but we hear the siren call from our go-to playlist of 15 genuine bangers that came out when we were teenagers. It’s like a drug. We may only know three songs from our favorite band, but boy do we know every single word, guitar riff, inhale, and ‘oh yeah.’ But we’d like to evolve.”

The group enlisted the help of local DJ Jeremy Russell to expand their music exposure.

“I didn’t even know this condition existed. It broke my heart when they told me their stories. I knew I had to help. I looked at some of their playlists so I could figure out where they’re at. And honestly, they do slap. I mean, ‘Dance Yrself Clean’ into ‘Heart of Glass?’ That’s inspired,” said Russell. “But I was on a mission and had to stay focused. So I came up with a lesson plan that would help not only expose them to new music, but give them the tools to find it on their own.”

Musicophile Psychologist Daliya Klein offered some more insight on the under-researched phenomenon.

“It’s a surprisingly aggressive condition, not dissimilar to when small children go through a phase where they refuse to watch anything other than ‘Frozen’ for six months,” said Klein somewhat gravely. “However, it’s not impossible to overcome. They can be taught to let go of their musical security blankets. You just don’t want to overwhelm them with choices. You wouldn’t hand them the entire Prince catalog, for example. That might kill them. You have to start slow and be sure to incorporate a lot of positive reinforcement. It seems like this group is in good hands, and I expect many of them will make full recoveries.”

As of press time, It’s been reported that many of the group members, for their assignment to create a new playlist, simply reused their hyperfixation playlist from high school.

More From The Hard Times:

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Trying Not To Panic About Everything

“Games Are Too Woke” Thrown Out as Evidence in Divorce Court

BY Brendan Hanney 

AUSTIN, Texas — Judge Joe Miles dismissed a key piece of evidence from the divorce proceedings between John Wainwright and his now ex-wife, Sarah, courtroom sources confirmed.

“You’d be surprised at how many of these guys I see with the same defense,” said the Honorable Judge Joe Miles. “He started making his case to me by saying how ‘us straight white males have to look out for each other.’ He wouldn’t stop referring to his wife’s attorney as a ‘DEI hire,’ and he threw a full-on tantrum when he noticed that the bailiff’s fingernails were painted. We tried to tell Mr. Wainwright that he’s a single dad and lets his five-year-old daughter paint his nails as a bonding activity, but he just kept going on about rainbow flags in ‘Spider-Man.’ It was incoherent.”

Sarah Wainwright was stunned at her ex-husband’s insistence that “woke games” were the root of the problems with their marriage. 

“He doesn’t even play video games that often,” Mrs. Wainwright recalled. “He spends most of his day on Twitter. I could not get through to him while he was typing. Watching someone become so furious, typing and talking to himself was—I’m sorry. It was terrifying to watch him spiral. And, of course, I became the enemy. That’s the whole reason he wanted me to pay alimony: I had ‘gone woke,’ and must therefore now, ‘go broke.”

Wainwright’s attorneys were disappointed with the Judge’s decision to dismiss such a crucial component to their case, and were sure that things would have turned out differently if it weren’t for their key witness refusing to show up in court.

“I think it speaks volumes that Mr. Druckmann refused to come in for questioning,” Attorney Matt Hogan stated. “If he weren’t somewhat responsible for what has happened here, why not come in and clear that up? Really makes you think about what he could possibly be hiding.”

At press time, Wainwright was reportedly satisfied to receive full custody of his Warhammer 40K figurines, despite being denied any visitation rights with his children.