Hard Digest Ocotber 2: Tim Walz, Early Access Michael Meyers, Jorts, and More

Tim Walz Grilled During VP Debates About His Claim That He Was At Fugazi Show Where Guy Picciotto Climbed in Basketball Hoop

By The Hard Times Staff 

NEW YORK — Minnesota Governor and Vice President nominee Tim Walz was asked about conflicting statements and timelines surrounding his claim that he attended that one Fugazi show where Guy Picciotto climbed into the basketball hoop.

“You know for those of you not familiar with who I am. I grew up in small rural Nebraska town of like 400. The type of town that didn’t really have a punk scene, just one band called The Fat Inmates and I’m proud that I served as their merch guy for 18 months,” said Walz nervously during the broadcast. “This band did some East Coast tours and they played in the same gym Fugazi played that summer. All I’m going to say on this is that I misspoke. So I will just… that’s what I said… I was in Philly in Pennsylvania when Fugazi was on tour, and from that I learned a lot of what needed to be of being part of a band.”

Ohio Senator J.D. Vance was quick to attack Walz’s record of having toured with a band following the debate.

“Mr. Walz likes to talk about being a merch guy for a band. Well, I actually played in a nu-metal band called Rederanged for years. My bandmates were my brothers and we went through it all together. Mr. Walz stopped working with his band just before they went on their first national tour and he left them high and dry. I played with my band for multiple tours, including two in Europe where I saw some of the most violent moshing that sticks with me to this day,” said Vance. “I’ve played my band’s CD for Mr. Trump and he loved it. I hope in November we get elected to office and I can share this music with the world.”

Political analyst Deborah Horrigan says what happened in the debate is not likely to sway the election either way.

“It doesn’t matter what either of these guys said. Walz could have claimed to be a founding member of Bad Brains and everyone would move on to something else by the weekend,” said Horrigan. “People forget that in the first presidential debate of the 1992 election cycle, Bill Clinton had claimed he played saxophone in Fishbone for years. That was quickly revealed to be a lie, but then he played saxophone on Arsenio Hall and the country forgave him.”

At press time, Walz released a statement walking back his claims he saw Ryan Gosling at an American Nightmare show in 2012.

NRA Rushes to Michael Myers’ Defense After Slasher Trades Knife For AR-15

By Matt Husser 

HADDONFIELD, Ill. — The National Rifle Association rushed to Michael Myers’ defense today after the famed “Halloween” slasher started killing his victims with an AR-15 rather than his trademark butcher knife, sources confirmed.

“Whether you’re a hardworking farmer defending your land, or a hulking, relentless stalker hellbent on eviscerating horny small-town youths, every American should be able to exercise their constitutional second amendment right to defend themselves from teenage babysitters,” said NRA spokesperson Ron Walton, speaking to a crowd filled with “We Support Michael Myers” picket signs. “If we let the government strip the right to bear arms from every alleged supernatural killer, who’s to say they won’t come for your guns next? If you’re worried about a horror icon killing your entire family, we suggest you do the responsible thing and arm the local teenagers when they babysit your children.”

US Representative Marjorie Taylor-Greene applauded Myers for “defending the 2nd amendment rights of all Americans.”

“It’s despicable that the woke left wants to strip Mr. Myers of his constitutional right to defend himself when he was just minding his own business when his assailant burst from a closet and stabbed him in the eye with a coat hanger,” said Taylor-Greene, gesturing wildly with a gun in each hand. “Well maybe if he had access to a firearm at the time rather than some flimsy knife he wouldn’t have fallen from that second story window. As far as I’m concerned, Myers is an American hero for standing up to the woke mob trying to hunt him down for no reason other than exercising our God-granted freedoms.”

Longtime Myers’ target Laurie Strode was incredulous that after decades of being stalked by her serial killer sibling, he had become idolized by conservatives for his new pro-gun stance.

“Let me get this straight—Michael Myers has been trying to kill me with a knife for forty years, but the minute he picks up a gun he’s a national hero to half the country?” said Strode, watching on TV as Myers makes an appearance at a right-wing rally. “They’re already talking about him running as a Republican candidate for Congress. I guess the only ‘qualification’ you need to run for office these days is to have a pulse as long as you’re pro-gun and anti-woman.”

At press time, it was confirmed that silently standing at a counter to purchase a gun while breathing heavily was a sufficient background check in most US states.

Nu Metal Dad Excited for Sweatshirt and Jorts Season

By The Hard Times Staff 

DES MOINES, Iowa — Local nu metal enthusiast, and father of four, David Trilling admitted Autumn is his favorite season so he can wear his comfiest giant sweatshirt and jort combo, multiple sources confirmed.

“I love it when the air is nice and crisp and I can bundle up on the couch in my Sevendust hoodie and watch my Woodstock ‘99 DVD with the kids,” said Trilling. “The summer months are just too hot. Yeah, at first I’m excited to bust out my black tank tops and warm-weather utility kilt, but the constant sunburns get old, and as soon as the mosquitos realize they can access my inner thigh they start feasting. I know I’m going to sound like a basic nu metal guy, but as soon as September hits I stock up on pumpkin spice-flavored vapes and bust out my cold-weather jorts. And if I really feel like getting into the season I’ll bust out my orange Etnies, those are always a big hit.”

Trilling’s wife Sheri agrees that nu metal style during the Fall months becomes more practical.

“In the Spring and Summer I’m always wearing a synthetic leather skirt with fishnet tights and it gets uncomfortable fast. But when the temperature drops I throw on my Adidas track pants and I feel like a million bucks, plus I can wear my Coal Chamber backpack to carry all the kids’ stuff without my back getting all sweaty,” said Mrs. Trilling. “And I don’t have to spend as much time on my hair in the morning. I just throw on one of the beanies I stole from the Family Values merch booth in 1998 and I’m good to go. It’s practical, and it looks great.”

Fashion expert Kiera Storm says most sub-culture fashion comes alive in September and October.

“We all know goths base their entire personality on the month of October, but Fall is important to everyone trying to fit in to the style choices of their preferred music genre. Now is the time for hardcore kids to bust out their Bane or American Nightmare hoodies and claim they are vintage, and not cheap bootlegs they bought last year,” said Storm. “And indie and emo fans can finally start wearing sweaters again, the most bold will often try to pair these with a new scarf, but most will bail on that idea as soon as they see a group of teenagers.”

At press time, Trilling also noted he will be growing out his typical summer soul patch into a goatee to prepare for the cold winter months.

Give Me a Second Good Reason Why I Can’t Bring My Gun to the Haunted House This Year

By Adam Frost-Venrick

As Halloween draws nearer, there’s nothing I like more than going to one of the many elaborately designed haunted houses, horror mazes, and ghost tours that my city has to offer. Just me, my friends, my windbreaker, and of course, my gun, Li’l Miss Lucy Goose. But this year, my friends have told me that Li’l Miss Lucy isn’t invited to the party. Can one of you give me a good reason why I can’t bring my gun along, other than how I (allegedly) freaked out last year and shot a scare actor? Because my friends can’t.

Before we go any further I want to point out that the man I shot survived. Sure, his injuries were severe enough that he was medically disqualified from playing basketball ever again, and yes he was going to college on a basketball scholarship which was subsequently revoked, but the most important thing to point out is he is alive and sort of well.

Now I’ll admit I startle a touch easily. But past performance doesn’t indicate future results. Just because I allegedly panicked last year while going through the ‘Ten Thousand Terrors of Tarantula Tower’ doesn’t mean I’m gonna be that jumpy again. I’ve spent countless hours at the gun range this year to prepare me for this very moment, I firmly believe I’m good to go.

I’d also like to point out that my lawyer was able to keep me out of jail by illustrating to a jury of my peers that my mental competence is often a problem. That’s my get-out-of-jail-free card baby, but I did land 5,000 hours of mandatory hours of community service which I do plan on serving.

So please. What am I missing? Some magical puzzle piece? Give me a second good reason why I can’t bring my gun! One unrelated to past firearm-based mistakes. There are so many great haunted houses happening in my town this year: ‘Vacation Day in Chainsaw Land,’ ‘Ghost Roasters: The Haunted Barista Experience,’ ‘The Fantabulous Frightmare of Dr. Faustus.’ Those’ll be really scary. And it sure would make me feel better to have my gun.

Look, guns don’t even kill people. But scare actors kill people with heart conditions. And that’s why I need my gun. To stop them. When I do ‘Frank Booth’s Sock Drawer Experience’ as produced by David Lynch, I fully intend to shout: ‘I have a gun!’ before I enter each room. Because I understand that this Halloween, the only scarier than ghosts and goblins is being unsafe. And that’s why I need my beloved Miss Lucy Goose. To stop the unsafe people.

More From The Hard Times:

27 Family-Friendly Ghouls We Want to See Go Full R-Rated Murder Fest

Nintendo Quarterly Report: Earnings up 31% from Lawsuits

BY bee 

TOKYO — Nintendo Co., Ltd. (NTDOY) has delivered an impressive new quarterly report for FY20XX propelled by strong growth and deep market penetration in the legal sector where the multinational video game company reported a 30.92% revenue increase from litigated settlements over the previous quarter.

“The strong performance this quarter reflects the bedrock of Nintendo corporate culture: lawsuits.” said Doug Bowser, president of Nintendo of America, in a press release. “We’re proud to build on our shining legacy by continuing to ignore our classic intellectual properties to bait naive indie developers into making fan games.”

Revealing plans for next quarter, Bowser continued “We’ve randomly selected a number of bestselling titles to remove from the Nintendo Store. Sunsetting digital access offers excellent growth potential to sue ROM distribution platforms. We also expect substantial increases in advertising revenue with our new policy of copyright striking any video or livestream which even mentions a Nintendo property.”

Economics expert Bill Langston detailed Nintendo’s place in the market.

“Nintendo has been a leader in the legal industry for nearly four decades, first gaining prominence for their successful lawsuit against now-defunct Blockbuster in 1989. The stock has fully rebounded from a big drop it suffered in 2019 when Doug Bowser took over amidst controversy that they should be suing people with names that infringed on their characters instead of hiring them.”

Nintendo creative lead Albert Waluigi, Esq. explained the company’s principal design philosophy in an interview.

“Our goal is to deliver a new, unique experience with every game. We always provide something extra which has never been seen anywhere else—legally. That starts by patenting a very generic idea and hopefully someone here will come up with a way to use it in a game, otherwise we’ll just sue whoever beat us to market.”

Senior game tester John Thwomp offered insight into Nintendo’s Quality Legal Assurance department during a Nintendo Treehouse: Live in late September.

“Nintendo currently owns 8541 active patents for an exhaustive variety of hardware & software mechanics, including ‘Really satisfying button presses’ and ‘Saving princesses’. I got assigned to test Astro Bot and was having a great time until I realized ‘Hey they must have stolen this from us.’ So we immediately initiated action against Sony to recover damages to our reputation. Our nephews bragging during lunch is extremely important marketing for us. That word of mouth just doesn’t work unless we have the most charming, polished games.”

At press time, Charles Martinet had not yet responded for comment, but Nintendo Co., Ltd has issued a Cease & Desist against HARD DRIVE for attempting to use his quotes in this article.

M. Night Shyamalan Reveals He’s Been Dead the Whole Time

BY Jordan Hicks 

PHILADELPHIA – M. Night Shyamalan, known for directing movies with iconic twists like The Sixth Sense and his most recent Trap, announced in a statement released online that he’s actually been dead this entire time.

“It’s been a great honor entertaining you all over the years, but the time has come to reveal the truth,” Shyamalan inexplicably wrote from beyond the grave. “The director you all know and love has been dead for some time, killed by a fan of the series Avatar: The Last Airbender. Please don’t be sad, I’m in a better place now. A magical place, filled with love, joy and critics who actually understand PEAK CINEMA.”

Hollywood and fans across the globe reacted on social media, with posts ranging from general apathy to mild surprise.

“I guess it makes sense when you think about it,” user RizzBender69 commented under Shyamalan’s estate’s press release. “When I left the theater after watching ‘Old’ I remember thinking ‘Who directed this? A corpse?’ Little did I know…”

Sources close to Shyamalan report his family members and close friends are dumbfounded. They said they’ve seen and even spoken to the Razzie Award winning director recently.

“We literally just got lunch yesterday,” said Shymalan’s longtime friend, Grayson Beverly. “We spoke for hours. He was obsessing over his phone, frustrated by the ‘Trap’ reviews. I told him what I always tell him… ‘Abandon the whole twist thing, people love predictable endings! Let people guess right, for once. Give them a win!’ It’s the same conversation we’ve had after every movie for decades. How is this possible?”

While the people closest to Shymalan share in his friend’s confusion, a Letterboxd profile with the username “N. Day Nalamayhs” believe they have the answers. Not only can they pinpoint the day he died, they believe they can explain his movie output since.

“June 30th, 2010,” said Nalamayhs in his most recent review of Shyamalan’s ‘Trap’. “That’s the day after this GOD-tier director took your ripoff anime SLOP and turned it into a cinematic MASTERPIECE. That’s the day you assholes trashed PEAK CINEMA and lost the privilege of breathing the same air as a LIVING LEGEND! The GOAT made MOVIE MAGIC with that boring little bald kid you all can’t shut up about.”

“That’s why he can be BRAIN DEAD and STILL put out banger after banger,” Nalamayhs added. “While you need every bit of the two brain cells you still have left from years of sucking nitrous to have even a cursory understanding of what you’re watching you FOOLS!”

At press time, the Shyamalan family are planning a memorial service for next week. They said they hope for a quiet ceremony with little to no surprises.

Silenced Comedian Won’t Shut The Fuck Up

BY Sean Fallon 

LOS ANGELES, Calif. — Vaguely controversial comedian Rick Monroe won’t shut the fuck up despite his claims that he has been silenced.

“Like a lot of modern day truth tellers, I’ve been silenced,” said Monroe in his Netflix special: Canceled Trigger Warning – Offended???, which he was paid twenty million dollars to produce. “Just because I tell it how it is with jokes about identifying as an attack helicopter, there only being 2 genders, and doing that impersonation of a Chinese person by replacing the Rs and the Ls, they’re telling me I’m canceled. And that I’m not funny. That I’m corny. That I fucking suck. They just can’t handle the truth bombs.”

Monroe’s agent, Andrew Gardner, laments the rise of cancel culture and its effect on his clients and their ability to speak out against the “woke agenda”.

“We’re being silenced,” said Gardner during a nationally aired press conference. “My clients are told they’re not allowed to speak their minds and the only way they can share their opinions is on social media, TV, in print media, with a book deal, in interviews, through their lucrative streaming deals, and in public. It’s basically Nazi Germany.”

Fans of Monroe have rallied around the beleaguered comedian, watching his specials and buying his merchandise.

“I wear this hoodie to show I support free speech,” said superfan Johnny Espresso, proudly showing off his $120 Rick Monroe hoodie at a recent sold out show of the silenced comedian. “If they can cancel Monroe so he’s only allowed to win a Grammy and host SNL, then who’s next? I read an interview with Monroe that ran in three major newspapers the other day about the weight of being silenced and voiceless, and it really affected me. The next day, I bought tickets to the extra dates they added for his shows and I’ll be there showing my support by buying a $60 baseball cap.”

At press time, Monroe continued to rally against his cancellation during the press junket for his starring role in a new Mel Gibson movie.