Hard Digest September 26: Early Access Last Day of Ska Week and More

QR Code Once Again Mistaken For Great Ska Logo

By Matt McInerney 

ORANGE COUNTY, Calif. — Staff members at local diner Joe’s Old Fashioned Burgers reported that the QR code located on each table to access their menu was once again mistaken for a great ska logo, fed-up sources confirmed.

“I was debating between the rib combo or smoked wings when I saw this beautiful creation that I thought would be perfect to represent our band. It wasn’t anything wild, just clean, simple squares printed on a tent card, but it really caught my eye,” said Boden Holloway, trumpet player for the local band The Waffle Skampers. “I tried to snap a photo to show the band, but the damn menu for the place kept popping up. After about 35 minutes I figured it out and the guys agreed that the logo had all the nostalgia of checkered Vans mixed with the clean lines of something more modern. I went right home, through our bands name under the photo and slapped it on the flyer for our next show.”

Max Bowen, a fan excited to see the band live, is having trouble figuring out where it’s happening.

“I saw the poster yesterday but for the life of me, I couldn’t get the QR code to scan. It just kept bringing me to the same barbecue menu,” Bowen explained. “At first, I thought it was some kind of inside joke. Like maybe Pulled Porkpie or Brisket and the Skandwiches were opening? But no, just regular menu items. No Eventbrite link, no ticket sales. Just food and an address. So I think I’ll just show up on Friday and see how it goes.”

Kira Salas, the owner of the restaurant, is getting used to these mix-ups.

“I used to be caught off guard, but it’s become pretty routine recently. As soon as we realized that every local ska band was ripping off our QR codes, it became a little easier to understand why kids sporting suspenders and stupid hats were wandering in asking about the stage. So I’ve got a plan now,” said Salas as she pulled back a curtain. “Witness what I call ‘the ska experience.’ We bought these animatronic rats from an old Chuck E. Cheese, dressed them in black and white, and put trumpets in their hands. Combine that with this old iPod loaded with Reel Big Fish, and suddenly I can serve up $5 chicken fingers for $30 on checkered paper in a dirty plastic basket. It’s a hit every time.”

At press time, Bowen was seen trying to read a sunbleached poster covered in cobwebs, muttering to himself, “What black metal band is this?”

Guidance Counselor Suggests Students Check Out His Ska Band

By Ryan Danley 

PITTSBURGH — Greenwood High School Guidance Counselor Ben Harkins is facing allegations of promoting his newly formed ska band to students instead of providing information on college and career opportunities, prompting concerns among parents and school administrators.

“As a guidance counselor, I need to stay connected with the interests of the youth. No one wants to be counseled by someone stuck in the classic rock era. That’s why I started ‘The SKAlers,’ knowing it would resonate with the students. Kids love ska,” said Harkins from his office near the cafeteria. “Some parents don’t see the value of ska, but its multicultural elements offer more than what students might get in those so-called social studies classes. How could I not invite them to our all-ages show at the Greenwood Community Center on Friday night? Would you like a flier?”

While Harkins’ intentions appear to be innocent, Student President Dawn Gaviette believes that discussions about ska should be moderated.

“I used to appreciate Mr. Harkins; he was considered one of the more approachable faculty members. However, since he started his Ska band, it’s become the sole topic of conversation, and it’s noticeably changed his demeanor. The other day, I went into his office to discuss my SAT scores, and he was wearing a fedora. How am I supposed to take a guy in a fedora seriously?” said Gaviette. “When I asked him about potential career paths, he began discussing how Gwen Stefani wasn’t into ska when No Doubt first started. I’m not sure how that relates to my career plans, and honestly, I’m questioning if No Doubt even qualifies as a ska band.”

As concerns from students and parents increase, GHS Principal Dr. Sam Whitley urges everyone to stay calm and assures that he has the situation under control.

“As an administrator, I’ve always encouraged my teachers to have outside interests that enrich their relationships with students, but there’s a time and place for everything, I had to draw the line at Mr. Harkins’ suggestion to incorporate ‘skanking’ into our P.E. program,” said Dr. Whitley. “After discussing the significant student complaints and the walkout triggered by the Ska talk, we reached a mutual understanding. If you’d like to discuss this further, join me at Roscoe’s Bar on Saturday night, where I spin Rockabilly vinyl.”

Harkins was maybe available for further comments, but he was in a heated debate with another guy about the 4th wave, and we didn’t want to deal with that.

Ska Cinderella Presented With Pair of Glass Checkered Vans

By Sara Božin 

LOS ANGELES – Local ska enthusiast Claudia Lopez was given a surprise pair of checkered Vans made out of glass to wear to an upcoming music festival, enchanted sources report.

“You know how there’s always that one older person who hangs out at house shows, and you’re not really sure what their story is or where they came from? Well, I think that kindly old crone was my fairy godmother all along,” said Lopez excitedly, as she tried the Vans on and admired them in her bedroom mirror. “She gave me these shoes to wear to the festival, and some other magic stuff. Only thing is the spell wears off by midnight, and that might be a problem because I don’t think any of the bands will have gone on by then. Still, it was really cool of her.”

Brunhilde the Good Fairy of the North, a mystical being who likes to attend local ska shows for some reason, confirmed that she was the one who blessed Lopez with the magical gift.

“Claudia seems like a nice kid. The thing with the rats hanging around her sort of threw me at first, but I just assumed she was a crust punk. I thought she might appreciate my limited edition set of Vans that I’ve never really worn,” explained North, while casually levitating. “Even though part of the reason I gave them to her was because I just didn’t feel like making a trip to drop them off at Goodwill, I didn’t want her to think that. So I may have overcompensated a bit by going extra hard with the magic.”

Lopez’s oddly rat-like designated driver for the evening Mr. Crumbs weighed in on the fairy tale events.

“As someone who is clearly a normal human person, I can imagine getting a glass pair of shoes probably is not something that happens often,” said Crumbs bewilderedly, while licking both his hands and then using them to groom his mustache. “But frankly, I do not know what it is like to wear shoes. I also do not know how to drive a car. Don’t worry about it.”

At press time, Lopez was reportedly asked to change shoes by security due to the music festival not allowing glass inside the venue.

More From The Hard Times:

Top 25 Worst Ska Songs to Play During the First Dance at Your Wedding

Concussed Korok No Longer Covered Under Great Deku Tree’s Health Insurance

BY Gary Kerls 

The Lost Woods – After having a large rock dropped on his head by a deranged silent lunatic, a local Korok was shocked to learn that he is no longer covered under the Great Deku Tree’s health insurance.

“I was just minding my business, hiding from my buddy Hestu, and this blonde kid uprooted the rock I was under. After realizing he wasn’t Hestu I tried to reason with him, giving him my one and only possession, he took it and still clonked me on the head!” said the small woodland creature sporting a large head bandage, “After describing my assailant to law enforcement they told me the one person who matched my description died 100 years ago, can you believe this?”

The Koroks, who are children of the forest, protected by the Great Deku Tree, are typically covered under a lucrative health insurance policy complete with great benefits and a low copay.

“I have no idea how this coverage plan could have lapsed,” said the Great Deku Tree, stoically sitting where he has for the last 10,000 years. “I guess I have been pretty busy watching over this sword that seals the darkness, and then there’s the whole Calamity Ganon thing people are freaking out about, maybe I just spaced on that one payment, I do have over 900 children after all, you try keeping all those insurance records straight.”

Dr. Omar Ellixson, a Hyrulian health care practitioner, is one of the few Hylians who can see the species of little wooden people, making him the sole Korok medical professional this side of Death Mountain.

“It’s an extremely busy practice,” said Dr. Ellixson in between patients. “Some of these little guys have been living under a rock for decades, overdue on vaccinations and routine medical checks. I wish we could provide affordable healthcare to all the species of Hyrule, but the greedy capitalists in Hyrule Castle would rather squeeze every last rupee out of the little guy.”

At press time, the poor concussed Korok has had to join the Hestu Dancers just to afford his skyrocketing medical bills.

Zelda Only Paid 20 Green Rupees for Every Purple Rupee Link Was Paid

BY Matt Fresh 

HYRULE — In the wake of Princess Zelda finally starring in her own adventure, it’s come out that her salary for the project was the equivalent of 20 green rupees for every purple rupee Link was paid despite him taking a back seat this time.

“It’s absolutely ridiculous honestly. Zelda works just as hard as Link. More actually because she actually speaks,” said Zelda’s advisor Impa. “Not only was she paid less than what Link gets paid for his adventures but she was paid less than what Link was for this adventure. The Princess was more than happy to accept the salary because she just wants to make sure that girls finally have an adventure for them but I won’t be as nice about it. It’s one thing when she’s just a supporting character but she’s saving him this time, why is Link still making more? She can barely buy a pack of bombs with this salary.”

Rauru, one of the seven sages, was quick to defend giving Zelda a smaller wage than Link.

“Look, it has nothing to do with her gender, it’s just economics. When it comes to these adventures, people come for Link, he’s a known draw so he gets paid accordingly regardless of how much more work Zelda does or the fact that she’s the star of this one and he’s barely in it. When people hear The Legend of Zelda, they want to hear about one of Link’s many legendary adventures, it’s a risk just having a Legend of Zelda be about Zelda. Boys think that’s icky. Also she’s a nepo baby, she’s fine regardless of what we pay her.”

For his part, Link was very supportive of Zelda getting paid more for her work.

“…..” said the Hero of Hyrule before giving an enthusiastic thumbs up when asked if Zelda should get a higher salary.

At press time, Zelda was reportedly breaking into homes and smashing pots to increase her earnings.