thehardtimes

Hard Digest September 24: Ska Week Continues and a Lot More

Added 2024-09-25 00:00:05 +0000 UTC

Bob Dylan Wondering if It’s Too Late to Do a Genre-Defining Ska Album

MALIBU, Calif. — Legendary singer-songwriter Bob Dylan, the genius behind albums like “Highway 61 Revisited,” “Time Out of Mind” and “Blood on the Tracks” is considering trying to fulfill a career-long aspiration of recording a genre-defining ska album, sources close to the aging musician confirmed.

“A lotta people asked me why I refused my Nobel prize a few years back,” said a somehow still-alive Dylan. “It’s because my work is not complete. I always thought I could bring peace to the generations through moshing and skanking. Nobody knows this, but ‘Blowin’ in the Wind’ originally had a rocksteady beat and ‘The Ballad of Hollis Brown’ was essentially reggae. He was supposed to be living on a failing Mary Jane farm.”

One of Dylan’s close friends, the legendary Joan Baez, was surprisingly calm about his announcement.

“This isn’t news to me. He used to have me listen to his strange unreleased songs,” said Baez. “He had tracks called ‘Like a Rolling Skank’ and ‘Hey Mr. Rude Boy Man’ and ‘From a Scooter 6.’ Really odd stuff,” said Baez. “I used to say to him, ‘Bobby, I don’t know if you can get away with this. I don’t know what any of this means.’ He’d just turn to me and say: ‘To Ramona’ needs a real walking bass-line.’ I didn’t think he was well.”

Dylan scholars such as Charlie Ducktrow have been surprisingly receptive to the proposed change of sound.

“I know it seems baffling to have a bunch of skin-head rude-boys playing along with ‘Visions of Johanna.’ I certainly find it a little off-putting,” said Ducktrow. “But think about it this way: the Gaslight Anthem’s already covered some of his songs. And even if it’s terrible, it can’t be any worse than some of his 80s output. As long as there’s no bone-heads in the mix, I think it’ll all be fine.”

At press time, Dylan was meeting with record producers to see about “finding some bootboys with trumpets to really fuck up ‘Peggy Day.’”

Oh No! This Company Has a Zero Tolerance Policy Against Workplace Bullying But They Just Hired a Guy Who’s Into Ska

By Doug Kolic

ATLANTA — Local man Joshua Kennedy recently expressed frustration that his employer instituted a new zero-tolerance policy against workplace harassment just days before hiring somebody deep into ska, according to nearby sources who shared his resentment.

“Just my luck! This place finally got with the times and created a new company-wide no-bullying policy but then they went out and hired a fucking rude boy who I’ve confirmed has more than one fedora,” stated Kennedy. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s not cool to harass anyone for things like race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, any of that stuff. But ska? I mean, come on. This Bret guy showed up to his first day on rollerblades wearing an Aquabats T-shirt, and we’re not supposed to say anything? That’s just cruel.”

Hiring Manager Stella Von Engeman explained that she wasn’t aware of the new hire’s musical preferences.

“I honestly had no clue Bret was into such lame shit,” said Von Engeman. “Other than him wearing checkered suspenders to the interview and that his backpack was full of cheese sticks, there were no other warning signs. He probably hid that part of himself because he was worried we might blackball him if we knew the truth, and he’s damn right we would have. Still, the new policy is what it is, so we need to accept the fact that we now have a colleague who wears hideous clothing and who practices his trombone in the employee lounge, and there’s nothing any of us can do except quit.”

HR Expert Gareth DePaul explained how those who like to “pick it up” are forcing businesses to rethink their guidelines.

“While most employees appreciate working in a safe environment, that appreciation does not extend to goofy-ass people killing the office vibe with their tiresome puns and relentlessly positive demeanor,” stated DePaul. “The fact that these people are infiltrating organizations is causing such low morale that many companies are instituting special clauses allowing their staff to unload on these fools. It’s like having a rage room but directed at skankers. Take my word for it, it’s very therapeutic.”

At press time, coworkers were heard groaning as Bret was seen at the vending machine asking anyone if they wanted any “Skattles.”

Right Wing Ska Band Flying “Thin Checkered Line” Flag

By Matt Husser

AMARILLO, Texas — Right wing ska band ‘The Outska Josey Wales’ announced their new political message at a recent show after unveiling a ‘thin checkered line’ flag, enthused sources confirmed.

“Every time we grab our horns and take that stage we’re laying our lives on the line to protect law-abiding rude boys from total anarchy punk, and that’s what the ‘thin checkered line’ flag represents,” said Outska Josey Wales frontman Clint Walsh, adjusting his Punisher logo fedora. “The woke mob might keep trying to cancel us by not coming to any of our shows, but our upbeat brand of right-wing ska is waking up the true patriots one honk at a time. And if you don’t like it, we’ll put a checkered van up your ass, courtesy of the U.S. of A.”

Local punk Tom Pearson was familiar with the ska band after performing at the same gigs in the past, but had noticed that the band had recently become more outwardly conservative.

“I don’t know what happened, I used to see them at shows and they seemed like pretty normal dudes—well, normal for a ska band—but in the last few years they took this hard right turn. Now they keep ranting about how reggae is too woke, and try to start ‘Skall Lives Matter’ chants with the crowd,” said Pearson. “It’s kinda hard to take their message seriously when they give this big speech and then the trombonist starts dancing during their song ‘The Skank Replacement Theory’.”

Harvey Gleason, head of the Brass Militia record label, explained that the band was part of a new patriotic ska wave sweeping the nation.

“We’re assembling an army of proud Skamerican patriots to take back this nation from the criminals and the immigrants, and we have bands like Streetlight Manifest Destiny and Toot Nukem that are ready to answer the call,” said Gleason, posting his musical manifesto to X (formerly Twitter). “The sheeple can keep putting their heads in the sand, but our right-wing populist ska wave can’t be denied any longer—once Trump is back in the White House, our Brass Militia will Make America Skank Again.”

The Outska Josey Wales later announced they would be expanding their merch line with yellow ‘Don’t Skank On Me’ flags.

Top 15 Ska Songs That Would Make David Fincher’s “The Killer” Way More Entertaining

Henchman Who Is Only Working for Penguin Until His Art Career Takes Off Gets Painting Hand Shattered by Batman

BY Rob Steinberg

GOTHAM — Rising artist and Iceberg Lounge bouncer Jeff Williams saw his career fall apart last night after an altercation with Batman.

“It’s standard policy. I’m not supposed to let anyone in unless they provide an ID and proper dress code. He obviously had neither. When I told him he couldn’t just walk in here he squeezed my hand into pieces,” Williams stated. “I’ve rarely ever met Mr. Cobblepot let alone know what he’s doing. Gotham ain’t exactly affordable for rent not to mention all my student loans from art school. There’s not exactly a lot of work out there that can help pay for those. I was really hoping to do this for a short time until my paintings sold more.”

Williams’ art dealer Wendy Marigold said she was very saddened by the news.

“He was one of the best in Gotham when it came to hyperrealistic portraits of people,” Ms. Marigold bemoaned. “He once created this beautiful painting of various actors dressed like the Joker sitting around a table playing poker together. Dark to paint people like Jack Nicoholson, Jared Leto, and Heath Ledger to look like the most notorious serial killer in the city, but I think it really said a lot about society and our idolization of criminals. Of course, it got destroyed right after it was auctioned off at a charity gala because some new criminal was trying to make a name for themself. Batman swooped in with his grappling hook and bashed the thug over the head with the painting. Still, the guy had a future in art.”

Williams’ orthopedic surgeon Dr. Phil Langes noted that there isn’t a lot of hope for the artist’s future.

“The X-rays showed irreversible damage to his metacarpus, scaphoid, and every phalanx,” Dr. Langes explained. “It will take years of physical therapy for him to properly hold a paintbrush again. He could try teaching himself to paint with his other hand, but I doubt he’ll ever reach the level of skill he was at before. He’d be better off incorporating this into his tragic backstory and trying to make it as a supervillain.”

Jeff Williams is currently applying for disability while things work out. His claim is delayed, as his employer Oswaldt Cobblepot is currently missing.

Experts Say Young People Should Learn to Code so They Can Get a Job 10 Years Ago

BY Travis Tack

NEW YORK — A recent poll of experts showed broad consensus that learning to code is the easiest way for Americans to remain competitive while trying to get a job in 2014.

“It has never been a better time for people with a degree in coding and also a time machine,” says Jack Riggs, founder of a coding bootcamp that made $20 million last year. “I always recommend people learn to code. Then I tell them to watch ‘Orange Is The New Black’ and buy a Wii U. Coding is an essential life skill, like doing math or churning your own butter. Plus, coding teaches people how to toil away in obscurity; and there are always new roles that require people to toil.”

Similar sentiments were echoed by from Sheina Wang, a former HR professional who runs a staffing agency in Manhattan’s Upper East Side.

“If you can choose any career, I’d recommend ‘NBA Player’ or ‘Influencers With A Famous Ass’, but learning to code is good too,” Wang explained. “Companies always need code – this is why they spent so much time teaching computers to write it for them. And, compared to 2014, the job market in 2024 is much broader and more diverse. And by diverse, we mean it’s mostly being done by cheap overseas workers and robots.”

MIT Professor David Tinsdale believes that concerns over automation may be overstated.

“Artificial Intelligence can already beat most programmers in their three major skill-sets: writing code, automating repetitive tasks, and lying about their level of knowledge,” the Professor claims. “However, that doesn’t mean it will eliminate programming jobs. It’s just going to the nature of the work programmers do. For instance: previously, programmers spent most of their days fixing errors and writing boilerplate code. In the future, they’ll have new responsibilities – like driving an uber or filming homemade pornography.”

At press time, Riggs advised today’s youth to pay $20,000 for an unaccredited certificate in PHP and figure out the time travel part later.