Hard Digest September 20: Early Access Tom Waits, Edging, Ben Shapiro, Landlords, and More

Tom Waits Finally Clears Throat Revealing Actual Falsetto Voice

By Chris Bratton

SAN FRANCISCO — Legendary musician Tom Waits spent over a minute clearing his throat to reveal a beautiful singing voice that was octaves higher and vibrating during a rare live performance last night, baffled sources confirmed.

“Well, I guess I never thought to hack all that nasty phlegm out of my throat. I just assumed that if it needed to happen, then it would have been done by something in this world that controls such things. The night of the show I was admiring a murder of crows flying towards the sun, their ineffable beauty inclined me to spit into the air, but my dry mouth made my neck evacuate itself,” said Waits wistfully. “Afterwards, I had the voice like the Vienna boys choir, it was startling but very transformative. I immediately belted out ‘Barbar’ Ann’ by The Beach Boys. And at my next show I may sing songs by this newer human, Bon Iver!”

Local Waits superfan Kevin Josephson described the performance of his favorite Waits song, “I Don’t Wanna Grow Up.”

“It was perplexing! His voice usually sounds like chewing gravel in a windy desert. But then all of a sudden it was angelic, pure, and sweet. When he sang the lyrics to ‘I Don’t Wanna Grow Up’ I thought for a second at some point he was going to say it was because he was a Toys-R-Us kid,” mused Josephson. “He kept bringing up stuff about turkey vultures and donkeys between songs, but because his voice was so high it didn’t feel insightful—more like a kid saying the darndest thing.”

Medical consultants have recorded situations when small maladies affect large aspects of a band’s performance.

“Angus Young was one! For years, every time AC/DC played, everyone assumed he was doing a fun dance with his guitar. But it was a constantly inflamed ankle that caused him to bounce around, we cured it with orthopedic insoles and antibiotics,” said Dr.Kramer, local physician. “For years I would tell my colleagues that Tom Waits needed a lozenge, or in the very least a spritz of Chloraseptic. Heck, I’ve always wondered what the Smashing Pumpkins would sound like if Billy Corgan would use the neti pot I sent him.”

As of press time, Waits announced that he was recording a new album, but to the dismay of some fans, it will mostly be bird calls.

New Edging Trend? This Man Listened To “In the Air Tonight” for 8 Hours but Stopped Right Before the Drum Part Every Time

By Trevor Graham 

Edging, the practice of sexually stimulating oneself up to the point of arousal without achieving climax for some reason, may have a new trend. Local man Kyle Reuben added his own take on edging this past Saturday by playing Phill Collins’ 1981 debut single “In The Air Tonight” on repeat for eight hours but stopping the song right at the point before the drums begin.

“I started listening to that song when I was about thirteen years old and would listen to it almost every day, sometimes even two to three times a day,” said Reuben. “It’s pretty embarrassing though so I would only listen to it when I was alone. Like any time my girlfriend would run out to the store or something I would immediately throw it on.”

Reuben says this almost daily habit of listening to the song, which features an exploding drum fill a little after three minutes, began to cause a decline in excitement for it which led him to create his own version of edging.

“When I first started listening to it I couldn’t even make it to the three-minute, forty-second mark and would fast-forward to that part every time. But now that I’ve gotten older the excitement for it has started to wane a little and the song just feels like it just drags on and on and the big moment just doesn’t have the same feeling anymore. So last Saturday when my girlfriend went to visit her parents for the weekend and I had the whole place to myself I played it on repeat all day but stopped right after Collins sings ‘It’s no stranger to you and me.’”

With this technique of teasing himself for an extended period of time, Kyle says he now has a new appreciation for the song and the anticipation of finally hearing the drums has built up a tipping point for his excitement.

“After listening over and over without hearing the drums has me just buzzing with anticipation now and I can’t think about anything else. Tomorrow night once I say goodbye to my girlfriend as she heads out the door to go out with friends I’m going to let the whole song play through. I think I can safely say once I hear the ‘DUN-DUN DUN-DUN DUN-DUN DU-DUNN’ Phil Collins’ revenge won’t be the only thing coming in the air tonight.”

Ben Shapiro Calls for Boycott of Zoltar Machine That Wouldn’t Make Him Big

By Sean Fallon

BOCA RATON, Fla. — Conservative podcaster Ben Shapiro called for a boycott of Zoltar machines after his wish to become “big” went unfulfilled for the 4,000th day straight, confirmed sources who learned about this news against their will.

“It’s outrageous that these devices are allowed to perpetuate lies,” said Shapiro, standing on his tippy toes. “I paid a quarter, an American quarter, to a machine that was probably manufactured in China. I made my wish. I spoke clearly and with authority. I said ‘I wish I was big.’ The machine started laughing at me and then deposited a piece of paper for me to read that said, ‘Your wish has not been granted.’ I climbed down off the box I take everywhere with me and I left the carnival right there and then. Stay tuned for seven or eight more podcasts about this exact situation.”

Larry Houdini, the CEO of MerlinCorp who manufactures the Zoltar machines, maintains that the magic works.

“I sympathize with the plight of that little guy,” said Houdini, a purveyor of magic carnival machines since the ‘60s. “But Zoltar can only grant wishes that are possible. He can’t raise the dead or turn back time and in Ben’s case, he can’t make the little man a normal-sized adult who is capable of reaching items off of high shelves, or the gas pedal in his car without help. At the end of the day the Zoltar machines are magic but they’re not that magic.”

Former toy company executive Susan Lawrence shared her own experiences with the Zoltar machines.

“In the ‘80s, I had a run-in with Zoltar,” said Lawrence, from her home where she is currently under house arrest. “A guy came to work with me at the MacMillan Toy Company, a wonderful man named Josh, who I fell in love with and had a wonderful affair with until I discovered he was a 12-year-old boy that Zoltar had made big. Eventually, he went back to his normal life and I embraced listening to the young voice in my head. Listened too much maybe, and now I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school, and I have to go door to door to tell everyone I’m a registered sex offender if I move to a new place. How was I supposed to know?”

At press time, after trying several more Zoltar machines, Shapiro claims to be turning to darker magic in a desperate attempt to grow but without a soul to sell, he is stuck being a teeny wittle boy.

I’m Your Empath Landlord and I’m Devastated I Have To Raise Your Rent $500 a Month

By Jus Kaplan 

Hello! I hope now works for a quick phone call. It always feels better to talk instead of text if you ask me. And I hate how cold emails can be.

First of all, how are you? I feel like no one asks that anymore. Just because I’m your landlord doesn’t mean I don’t care. I’m an empath, remember? If anything, I care too much.

You’re doing well? I’m so relieved to hear that! You deserve great things in life. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
So, about your lease renewal. I’m really struggling to come to terms with this, but my life partner and I made the difficult decision to renovate the kitchen of our beach house this year. It really needed a facelift—I would get so depressed just looking at those stained countertops. I’m devastated to tell you this, but it means we have no choice but to increase your rent.

How much, you ask? Oh, I wish I didn’t have to say! I’ll try to keep my composure when I tell you. Here it goes…$500 a month.

I’ve cried every night this week wondering about the impact this might have on you. It shakes me to my core that this may strain your finances during an already difficult time, what with losing your job last month and all. But we have no choice. As I said, the kitchen was crying for a reno. Speaking of, let me grab a Kleenex. I’m starting to tear up thinking about how this will affect you.

You sound tense. I wish there was something I could do to help the situation. Oh! What if I signed us both up for a year’s subscription to Headspace, that meditation and mental health app? I heard they have some breathing exercises that help with reducing financial stress.

Did you say you’d rather I just kept your rent affordable? You know that’s not possible, and it’s honestly very rude of you to suggest that given how I just opened up and explained the emotional damage my second home’s kitchen is causing me.

What? You’ll have to move out if I raise the rent this much? Oh no! Please, don’t say that. Your words are hurting me, like daggers to my ears. Is there no one who can help cover the cost? Maybe you can get a roommate! I can sense you’re feeling lonely.

Just know, for the next 45 days until your eviction, I’m here for you.

More From The Hard Times:

Every “Mad Men” Character Ranked by Their Likelihood of Having an Affair With My Wife

Every Iceage Album Ranked Worst to Best

Wikipedia Awfully Close to Selling Your Data Unless You Fork Over Some Cash

BY Nick Coffman 

SAN FRANCISCO – In their latest fund raising effort, Wikipedia has threatened to sell user data unless readers stop what they are doing and donate to the site immediately.

Fundraising Chair of the Wikimedia Foundation, Doug Loveless, confirmed the dire actions in a website pop-up “demanding $3…or else.”

“Listen up you cheap sacks of shit, we’ve kept the ads, paywalls, and Elon at bay for as long as we could,” Loveless’ popup read. “If everyone reading this does not pay $3, I will be forced to share the dirty things you look up on our little website.” 

No matter what page I clicked on, Loveless’ message followed.. JFK’s extramarital activities, pop-up. Hitler’s car, pop-up. Best restaurant bathrooms in Chicago, pop-up. Loveless was not ready to give up.

“Only 2% of you ingrates actually donate when we do these! NPR made $800,000 last year. What do we have to do, give you a shitty tote bag,” Loveless pondered in a pop-up that exceeded the length of the webpage. “Fuck that. I don’t get $50 right now, I’m telling everyone what Doug in Elgin, Illinois looks up every day. After that, I’ll continue down the list. And then after that maybe I’ll sell all our searches to some tech company. You’d like that wouldn’t you?”

Things continued to escalate until Doug’s message stopped and was replaced by a new pop-up.

“Sorry, Doug had to step away. He’s just a bit stressed at the moment,” the unidentified Wikimedia Foundation worker wrote. “He’s being a bit harsh, but he’s right. If more of you don’t donate, we’ll be forced to share your data. It’s either that or a Patreon that doesn’t yield many additional perks. Pick your poison.”

At press time the Wikimedia Foundation had broken donation records and staved off Patreon and selling data, for now.

Samsung Sues Israel For Patent Infringement

BY Matt Fresh 

RIDGEFIELD PARK, N.J. — In the wake of Israel’s spec-ops operation causing hundreds of wireless electronics to explode, Samsung has filed a patent infringement lawsuit against the nation, claiming that they own the sole rights to manufacture exploding wireless electronics.

“We saw on the news what Israel has done and we were absolutely horrified at what we saw,” said Samsung representative Josh Bing in a press statement. “The flagrant stealing of our intellectual property and devices with which we are sole legal owners was appalling to say the least. Samsung has owned the patent on exploding wireless devices since 2016. While we exclusively dealt in exploding phones, our patent extends to any wireless electronic so there is no doubt that Israel crossed a line here and they will pay the consequences for stealing our invention. Genocide all you want but don’t steal our stuff.”

The international community was quick to condemn Israel in the wake of the lawsuit filing.

“Israel has firmly crossed a line with their actions. To so flagrantly and without remorse steal intellectual property that is not theirs,” said U.N. spokesperson Wanda Greene. “The entire international community condemns the appalling actions of Israel and are firmly on the side of Samsung. There are some things that you don’t do, even when you are in a state of conflict and infringing on the patent of an innocent party is close to the top of the list. We understand that they are in middle of enacting a genocide but there are ways to do it without breaking the laws we care about upholding.”

President Joe Biden, whose administration has helped fund Israel’s genocide was asked about the lawsuit during a press conference.

“Listen Jack, if I had known that big Ben was going to steal Samsung’s invention then I never would have wired him the funds he needed to make them. When I asked Brad if there were going to be any innocent casualties with this, he assured me there would only be some civilians caught in the crosshairs, maybe a few kids. So I signed that check and got myself a fresh cone. If I knew that an innocent corporation’s intellectual property was going to be blatantly stolen, I would have told Bentley that he had another thing coming if he thought I would willingly help old CornPop steal the hot dog cart.”

At press time, Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu vowed that they will do better in the future to kill civilians in more original ways.

Help! I’m Locked Out of My House and the Locksmith I Hired Just Keeps Telling Me to Let My Heart Be My Guiding Key!

BY Brendan Osorio 

Help! Please! I accidentally left my keys inside my house and the door is locked and I can’t get back in! I called my local locksmith but he hasn’t done anything to actually help me. He just keeps telling me to, “let my heart be my guiding key!” What does that even mean? Please, if anyone knows anyone else who can come by, I need to get back inside right away. My 3-year-old is in there all alone and the stove is on!

To make matters worse, this kid is literally carrying a giant key. It’s almost like he’s taunting me! Not that it’s doing any good, though; it’s way too big to fit in my door’s keyhole and every time I try to take it from him it just disappears and reappears back in his hand! I don’t know why this idiot didn’t bring a lockpick set or something, but I’m at my wit’s end. I heard something break inside the house! What if my kid knocked over a vase and there’s sharp glass on the floor now?!

I’ve tried calling other locksmiths in the area but no one could get out here anytime soon. When I called one such company they even told me this guy out here isn’t even a “keyblade master” and failed his mark of mastery exam. I don’t know exactly what that means, but it doesn’t sound good and I’m still standing outside while my toddler wanders alone in my house, possibly breaking more things. And who knows what they could be eating in there?

As despair is starting to set in and I realize that I may have to wait for my wife to get home, this jerk just keeps saying nonsensical platitudes. I told him I was having heart palpitations because I was stressed and I have a weak heart and he said, “That’s not true! The heart may be weak, and sometimes it may even give in. But I’ve learned that deep down, there’s a light that never goes out!” I don’t even know what that means. I think he was just waiting for me to talk about my heart because now he won’t shut up about hearts.

Oh, thank God. I just got off the phone with this kid’s boss. Looks like this other guy Riku is gonna come by, and apparently he’s the best. For some reason the first guy—Sora—is the only one who ever shows up.

Worst case scenario, I’m just gonna break a window. This little prick isn’t gonna stop me, and I gotta get in there before my kid eats all my sea salt ice cream!