Hard Digest September 18: Early Access Guitars, Verbal Abuse, Rock Radio, and More

Guitar Enters Wall Decoration Phase

By Zac Lux 

ATLANTA — The well-played guitar of local man Cody Marksen entered its next chapter as a wall decoration in his suburban condo, sources actively searching for a “Reservoir Dogs” poster confirmed.

“One day I woke up and it was just… there,” said Marksen, the former guitar player of Atlanta hardcore band Incitement. “I remember playing some backyard pig roast show with bonfires and dirtbikes, pretty sure I jumped through a table that was covered in gasoline. The next morning I woke up to it on the wall and my wife was dragging me to a wedding I’d forgotten about. Now I’ve gotten used to having it up there and don’t have the heart to take it down. The guitar became a statement piece for the living room. It’s very chic, I love it.”

The new phase of the guitar’s life hasn’t only affected Marksen’s career in music, but it’s starting to take a toll on his relationship too.

“One of the things I really loved about him was how talented he was,” said Hannah Slovak, Marksen’s wife of 7 years. “He could headwalk 13 people deep and still keep playing the heaviest breakdown you’ve ever heard. Now he’s started obsessing about which of his old passions pair with Millennial Gray, he’s up all night just comparing paint swatches to old guitars and even replica skateboards. It’s driving me crazy. I’ve been finding myself with wandering eyes for these greasy dudes in shitty butt-rock cover bands at the dive bar near us. I never thought I’d say it, but I miss being married to a band guy. If this keeps up I bet he’ll start wearing sweater vests or some shit.”

The living room wall being a tomb adorned by old creative relics isn’t a new concept. It’s been a common practice in interior design and home decor for generations.

“We set aside about 40% of our budget for non-used instruments and creative pursuits, specifically,” said Stefon Lurchsin, interior decorator, “Vintage guitars, harps, baby-grand pianos, you name it. They’re quite useful for providing a feeling of creative integrity within the space, and artistic mystique of the owners, however hollow, while also supporting the flow of the room itself. I tell ya, for how well they tie everything together, vintage Jazzmasters are the new rugs.”

At press time, Marksen was too busy tactfully hanging old skateboards on the wall to comment further.

Opinion: If This Office is Truly Like a Family, How Come I Get Called into HR Every Time I Verbally Abuse Someone

By Robert John Scucci

You know what really pisses me off? When some lifeless, faceless corporation uses the whole “we’re like a family” thing to sell their sense of “culture” to prospective employees. Listen, like most people I know, I saw this as an open invitation to verbally abuse, gaslight, mistreat, and humiliate my way into the kind of working environment that I’m allegedly supposed to be emulating.

But apparently if you berate Linda from accounting for her obvious alcoholism and poke fun at her weight in an effort to “make her feel at home,” you get called to HR before you can even make Derek cry at the holiday potluck when you passive-aggressively suggest that his buffalo chicken dip is a carbon copy of the version that you saw on Allrecipes so everybody knows he’s a fucking fraud whose incapable of thinking for himself.

I don’t get it. If this workplace really had the family environment it’s boasting, then how come every time I lock myself in the bathroom and say “This time I’m really going to fucking do it” after every single perceived slight from my peers or management, I’m given a pamphlet about the benefits of our employee mental health assistance program? Since when is any self-respecting authority figure supposed to be interested in my well-being?

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but team-building exercises, like most family outings, are supposed to involve bringing up that time a certain someone peed themselves on the haunted hayride because nobody took their request for a bathroom break seriously. And now you’re telling me that not only are bathroom breaks encouraged, but actually mandatory every 90 minutes? Casual humiliation about traumatic events that become core memories of resentment is supposed to be a part of the process, and if I can’t get my jabs in, then what’s the point of even returning to the office?

Instead, I keep hearing this bullshit about “a healthy collaborative environment where you feel comfortable in your own skin,” which makes absolutely no sense. If you really want me to feel like I belong here, then promise me you’ll take me out for ice cream after the company softball game, and leave me standing in the rain for 3 hours because your old college friend is in town and you forgot to pick me up.

New Study Reveals 92.5 The Scorpion Is Not the Only Station That Rocks

By Kyle Donley

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — A new study from Arizona State University revealed that local radio station 92.5 The Scorpion has not been the only one that rocks, despite their bold on-air claims of such, stunned sources confirmed.

“In fact, we’ve discovered a good 237 other FM stations in the area that rock equivalently or even slightly more so in some cases,” said airwave radio scientist Radha Unjit after performing a basic litmus test to confirm their findings. “Our study concluded that the Scorpion has played the likes of Hoobastank and Nickelback, so the bar was set rather low. If the station is able to up their game and throw in some Alice In Chains or even the radio-friendly Metallica stuff, empirical evidence points to them actually turning the corner and rocking. In conclusion, these guys are lying sacks of shit.”

Disgraced 92.5 Scorpion DJ Jax Orlando shared his thoughts on the controversial research.

“The station managers give us the playlist and we pop it on. Blame them for us playing wall-to-wall Puddle of Mudd,” said Orlando who was forced to put on Alien Ant Farm’s “Smooth Criminal” for the third time this hour against his will. “We have a community of listeners that are hurting and we want to hear from them. And give them the opportunity to win tickets to see Trapt at the Brickstone Lodge on October 3rd. The seventh caller will win a pair of tickets to the show. Unfortunately, we’re still waiting for our first caller on that.”

Understandably, the news has rocked local residents of the area.

“Any time I started to lose signal I would just turn the radio off and drive in silence because I only listen to alternative rock and thought that was the only radio station in the country that played that kind of music,” said Chad Radcliffe, a local vacuum cleaner repairman. “So the fact that this whole time I could have been listening to ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ elsewhere followed by whatever music Papa Roach is making now, all while driving across county lines is upsetting. But I guess you just can’t believe everything you hear on the radio these days.”

At press time, researchers were quick to start a new study to reveal whether the station was, in fact, our nation’s “Home of the Rock.”

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Uh-oh! You Took Too Long Responding To This NPC & Now He Thinks You’re Mad At Him

BY Peter Ferrarese 

THE WASTELAND — What started out as a cordial interaction with “Fallout 4” NPC and innkeeper Tony Savoldi quickly became awkward after you took too long to respond to his dialogue, prompting the motel owner to think that maybe you’re mad at him or something, sources confirm.

“Hey, weren’t we talking about you renting a room? You need one,” Savoldi reportedly asked, being met with nothing but cold, terrible silence from you, leaving Tony casually swaying back and forth behind the counter. “Crap,” Savoldi told other Bunker Hill NPCs, “I mean I know my dad and I can be rough around the edges, but all I asked was if he wanted to rent a room. Did I do something wrong?”

The hard-working and well-meaning bed-renter then started to really get in his own head about it, according to his neighbors.

“I mean there he is, this guy just comes into me and my dad’s bar-slash-motel all weary-looking, like he’s just been wandering through the wilderness, so I ask if he needs a room. And what’s he doing? Just staring at me with those dead eyes, not saying anything but not turning around and leaving, either. I didn’t mean to offend the guy.”

After almost 30 minutes with no response, Savoldi began to get scared, according to reports from the scene. “This is exactly why I want to go off and join the Railroad freedom fighters. I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this spooky stuff.” Savoldi said.

It’s being reported that the situation was resolved once you finally got around to responding “I’ll take it.”

“Oh my God, what a relief.” Savoldi said in a statement. “I rented the guy a mattress, but that was pretty harrowing. I never want to see him again, if I’m honest”, adding “I thought he was gonna shoot me. I’m just glad he wasn’t actually mad.”

At press time, Savoldi was seen reducing your nightly rate by three bottle caps just to make sure the two of you are all good.

K.K. Slider Announces He Fathered Litter Outside of Marriage

BY Nick Coffman 

ANIMAL VILLAGE — Long time solo rocker and Jack Russell Terrier K.K. Slider revealed earlier this week that he fathered a litter of puppies outside of his 22-year marriage. Slider revealed his secret love puppies in a video interview with The Nook Yorker.

“I’ve recently become the father of a new litter of eight puppies, born outside of my marriage. I plan to be a good boy and be a loving parent to the puppies who aren’t eaten by their mother,” Slider said, guitar in hand. “I’m on the road alot, but I am going to do everything in my power to be present in those puppies’ lives.”

Slider met his now wife, Daisy Dig, in 2002 when one of his concerts overlapped with her fossil excavation on the same night.  The two married soon after and had 11 sons, Parker, Hank, Ralph, Jack, Russel, Charlie, Buster, Duke, Rex, Goose, and Brad, and three daughters, Lily, Rose, and Ginger.

“I love Daisy and all our pups. I know I am in the dog house right now, but I’m begging for their forgiveness,” Slider confessed while howling, as if he were in pain. “I still dig that chick. I hope we can come out on the other end of this with her still digging me.”

In a statement put out by Dig, the long-time paleontologist shared details on the status of her marriage and brought to light some of the challenges the relationship has faced in the past.

“You’re kidding yourself if you think this is the first time he’s done this,” Dig wrote. “I know who K.K. is better than anyone else. I know all this comes with the territory of him being a traveling dog. I’ve seen the bitches and villagers howling at him from village to village, from island to island. I know what I signed up for, but I’m also not just going to sit here and pretend to be shocked. I’m also not going to sit here and let you all feel sorry for me. Every dog has their day. I’ll get mine, bow-WOW.”

At press time, half of Slider’s new litter of puppies had been eaten by their mother.

Jack Black Already Adding Sims Movie to His IMDb Page

BY Kyle Duggan 

LOS ANGELES — Actor and comedian Jack Black was seen adding a credit for the upcoming film based on Electronic Arts’ Sims franchise to his IMDb page shortly after the movie’s recent announcement, sources confirm.

“It’s a video game movie. Of course I’m in it,” said Black, leaning over his keyboard. “I’ve sacrificed a lot for this career. I literally threw my best friend and comedy partner under the bus to preserve it. If I destroyed that relationship and don’t continue getting cast in these vapid, pointless adaptations of gaming properties, what was it all for?”

Producer Margot Robbie said she initially did not believe the reports.

“I kept getting all these texts from people saying I made a good choice in casting Jack,” said Robbie. “I assumed they were joking or that someone had vandalized his IMDb. By the time I realized he was the one responsible, everyone in the production was just acting like it was true. Our director Kate Herron was mad that I hadn’t consulted her, but excited to work with him. I don’t know. I guess Jack Black is in the Sims movie.”

Industry analysts noted that this isn’t the first time an actor has taken their career in their own hands.

“Sure, they edit their own IMDb pages all the time,” said entertainment journalist and historian Gene Clayton. “And that’s not the half of it. Jared Leto just started doing press for ‘Suicide Squad’ without asking because he wanted to play the Joker so bad. That—plus sending weirdly threatening gifts to the filmmakers to prove he was ‘method’—was enough to land him the part. Ben Affleck famously parked a trailer with a sign reading ‘Bruce Wayne/Batman’ on the Warner lot until Snyder caved. Chris Pratt found an early screenplay for ‘The Super Mario Bros. Movie’ on the Dark Web and recorded all his lines at home. The suits at Illumination and Nintendo decided it would be cheaper and easier to just use that audio than find someone who could actually voice act. These guys aren’t just successful by accident.”

At press time, Black was seen editing Jim Carrey’s IMDb page, removing Carrey’s Sonic franchise credits and adding them to his own page.