Hard Digest September 14: Dave Navarro Punched, Early Acces Black Sabbath, Trent Reznor, and More

Dave Navarro Admits He’s Surprised Nobody Punched Him Sooner

By The Hard Times Staff 

BOSTON — Jane’s Addiction guitarist, and “Ink Master” host, Dave Navarro admitted that he’s shocked it took this long for someone to punch him following an onstage incident with Perry Farrell last night.

“You know, it’s funny, most people take one look at me and think ‘This guy with the makeup and dumb hats must be getting punched on a daily basis, but truth be told this is the first time anyone has taken a swing at me,” chuckled Navarro. “I’ll be honest, half the time I look in the mirror I want to kick my own ass, and as soon as I put on a mesh tank top I figure that’s an invitation for someone to test my chin. But no, it’s never happened until Perry took a swing last night. Thankfully he punches like an absolute goon and I barely felt it. I don’t want this to start a trend where other people feel free to swing on me, but I won’t hold it against anyone.”

Dave Lincoln, one of the roadies who restrained Farrell after the punch, said the frontman is actually stronger than he looks.

“Perry weighs like, I don’t know, about a buck forty, a buck fifty tops, but man that dude has some fight in him. After we got in between him and Dave we tried to de-escalate but Perry had a rabid look in his eye. I wrapped my arms around him to restrain him and he started biting the shit out of my wrists,” said Lincoln. “I’ve spent most of my day at the hospital getting a round of shots to make sure I don’t end up with some weird disease. When I explained to the doctor who had bitten me his face dropped, that’s when I knew things were serious. They’ve actually had me isolated in a separate wing of the hospital as a precautionary measure.”

Rock and roll historian Eliza Knight says on-stage fights are becoming more common.

“When you have a legacy act playing a reunion show things will get volatile. These bands broke up for a reason, and many of those bad feelings might come out on stage. Pair that with decades of substance abuse and you have a powderkeg ready to explode,” said Lincoln. “It’s rumored that each member of Oasis has hired their own outlaw motorcycle gang as security to patrol their side of the stage and make sure the other sibling stays in check. Things might get bloody.”

Following the incident, many members of the Boston crowd admitted they were disgusted by the violent outburst and expected better behavior from performers in their city.

Metalhead Shows More Conviction Arguing About Superiority of Dio-Era Black Sabbath Than He Did Arguing for Custody of His Own Children

By Steve Packosky

ADDISON, Vt. – Metalhead Adam Brockford showed more conviction arguing with a stranger about Black Sabbath outside the Addison County Courthouse than he had shown arguing for custody of his own children just moments before, mildly disgusted sources confirmed.

“Listen, I really like your ‘Master of Reality’ shirt, and I get why you think that album is their best, but you’re completely overlooking the absolute genius of both ‘Heaven and Hell’ and ‘The Mob Rules,’” said Brockford, who twenty minutes earlier had sat quietly while his attorney fruitlessly argued his supposed merits in the hopes of him caring for his four-year-old twin daughters. “You can’t listen to classics like ‘Die Young’ and ‘Falling off the Edge of the World’ and honestly tell me the band was better with Ozzy. And I haven’t even mentioned ‘Neon Knights.’ I mean, come on!”

Brockford’s lawyer Keisha Perry reacted to her client’s newfound commitment with frustration and bewilderment.

“Where was this passion when I was presenting his parenting plan to the judge in there?” Perry questioned. “He had told me his daughters were the greatest thing that ever happened to him, but he didn’t even open his mouth when his ex-wife’s attorney brought up his drinking and excessive video game playing. Maybe he would’ve livened up a bit if they said they considered ‘Dehumanizer’ to be Black Sabbath’s worst album. I swear, this is the last time I take on a metalhead as a client.”

Deron Goodwin, Professor of Family Law at the University of Pittsburgh, commented that such pitiable courtroom behavior is common among aging metalheads.

“This is something we see time and time again in our case studies,” said Goodwin. “Just last week I lectured about a father who willingly gave up custody of his son after hearing him say Accept’s ‘Restless and Wild’ was overrated, and before that another who had missed his court date entirely to catch Slayer on their farewell tour. There’s just something about being a fan of classic metal that turns people into shitty fathers that I can’t quite put my finger on, even after years of research.”

At press time, Brockford ignored Perry as she tried to tell him about scheduling visitation, choosing instead to high-five another bystander in an Iron Maiden “Killers” shirt over their shared love of Paul Di’Anno.

Take This Short Quiz To Find Out What Animal Trent Reznor Would Fuck You Like!

By Kyle Donley

Most people know Trent Reznor for his Academy Award-winning film scores with Atticus Ross but you may be surprised to know that he also wants to fuck all of us like animals! But what kind of animal? And are we both the animal or is one of us the animal and the other one is Trent Reznor fucking it? Or is Trent Reznor the animal fucking us, the humans? Anyways, take this short quiz to find out what animal Trent Reznor would fuck you like!

Which habitat best suits you?

A. Jungle
B. Ocean
C. Saginaw, Michigan
D. Hamster Cage

_____ is the most important trait for a lover to have.

A. Honor
B. Attentiveness
C. Handsome genitalia
D. Soft, furry belly

What is your favorite snack?

A. Raw meat
B. Worms
C. Currently? Pop Corners. All time? Kudos Bar.
D. Wood chips or whatever the fuck hamsters eat

When you are in bed with your partner, who initiates hanky panky?

A. You
B. Your partner
C. We enter each other at the same time, it is always a tie
D. Hamster

During whoopee you love it when your partner says this to you:

A. Oooooh!
B. Jesus! Ahhhh…Ahhhhhhhhh
C. Oh my damn! Shiiiit…yeah yeah…hold on wait…ok I’m good…Wait wait wait…
D. You want me to do what?

Do you believe in love at first sight?

A. No
B. Yes
C. I have astigmatism
D. Please make love to me like a hamster

Favorite Wayans Brother?

A. Keenan Ivory
B. Damon
C. Marlon
D. Shawn

When you are in the middle of a large crowd, you feel _____.

A. Great! I hate personal space and love all the different ways people can smell
B. Great! Anxious, but great!
C. Dead. This is not a safe crowd.
D. Look, are you going to fuck me like a hamster or not?

Hypothetically speaking, what animal do you think Trent Reznor would fuck you like?

A. Penguin
B. Hamster
C. See answer key below
D. What do you mean hamster was already taken?

Answer Key:

If you answered the corresponding letter 3 or more times, Trent Reznor would fuck you like a…

A. Bengal Tiger! Did you know Bengal tigers entice their mates with urine spray? Don’t worry, Trent will always urinate in the toilet but you will have to watch!

B. Seagull! Did you know male seagulls will stand on their partner’s back to signal they are ready to mate? Trent Reznor weighs 170 lbs, please be careful!

C. The Geico Gecko! Did you know the Geico Gecko fucks 50 times a day! I mean that guy FUCKS.

D. Hamster! You clearly want this very badly for whatever reason. Luckily, Trent is super polite and if you ask him to fuck you like a hamster, chances are he will fuck you like a hamster.

Friend with Stocked Fanny Pack Unaware She’s Six People’s Primary Care Physician

By Bibek Gurung 

WARWICK, R.I. — Amanda Martinez, a 26-year-old known for always being prepared, unknowingly became the primary care physician for her group of underemployed friends, according to sources close to the situation.

“We all rely on Amanda,” said Tyler Morris, a former factory worker who has struggled with joint pain since being laid off from his job. “I thought I was doomed to chronic pain ever since I tore my rotator cuff, but now I just call Amanda. She always has a jar of Tiger Balm on her. She doesn’t realize it, but she’s also technically my PT. Ever since I got kicked off my parents’ insurance, instead of an insurance card in my wallet in case of emergencies, I have a card saying ‘No ambulance.’”

Martinez, who carries a well-stocked fanny pack at all times, remains unaware of her unofficial role.

“I just want to make sure I’m ready if anything comes up,” she explained while rummaging through her pack. “I’ve got Band-Aids, Advil, maybe some alcohol wipes. But I don’t understand why everyone has my number memorized. And my friends all tend to come to me when they have problems, maybe because I’m such a Virgo. Which I don’t mind because I love to listen,” Martinez continued, alluding to a trait that has made her the unwitting therapist of the group.

Surgeon General Vivek Murthy has noted the growing reliance on friends like Martinez.

“Sixty percent of the American healthcare system is now sustained by friends with who took a few first-aid classes in high school and like to carry ointments,” he said. “According to the latest data, most hospital intake forms increasingly include Amanda Martinez’s contact information. Most Americans are one empty pouch away from medical ruin. This is a deeply precarious situation that needs to be addressed as soon as our wealthy donor class allows us.”

At press time, a lobby of insurance giants led by UnitedHealth Group was reportedly moving to shut down rural hospitals in favor of a new cost-saving initiative: replacing them with Fanny Pack Friends (FPF), a move expected to eliminate thousands of medical jobs nationwide.

If My Drinking is Excessive, Why Did That Bottle of Whiskey Barely Get Me Buzzed?

By Doug Kolic 

People say the darndest things. They call my drinking habits “concerning” and say my behavior is “out of control.” But if the amount I drink is really as excessive as they claim, why did that bottle of Wild Turkey I just downed in record time barely get me tipsy?

I’m just fortunate enough to have a body with a naturally greater thirst than the average Joe. The fact that this thirst is reserved for gifts from God, like Kentucky bourbon, is simply a fact of life. Some people need to drink two to three liters of water a day to stay hydrated. Well, it’s the same for me, except I also need mine distilled from a fermented mash of grain and yeast, then aged in charred oak barrels for at least two years, otherwise my body starts shaking from dehydration.

If I listened to my so-called friends and supposed loving family members, who insist I have a serious problem, I’d be in a deep depression, humiliated by the thought that something might be wrong with me. Luckily, I don’t bend to peer pressure easily and prefer to do my own research. What I’ve concluded is that my alcohol intake is exactly where it needs to be, and those claiming to “have my best interests at heart” are just a bunch of bitches trying to tear a good—nay, great—man down.

Jealousy is a dangerous thing. People who hate their own lives often have nothing better to do than to find the life of the party and take shots at them. Is it my fault that I’m always the funniest person in the room whenever I’m drinking, and that I become increasingly hilarious with each subsequent drink, regardless of how many people leave the room with disgusted looks on their faces? That’s called envy, and my boy Jesus Christ of Nazareth, would not approve. I think he said it was one of those little commandments or some shit.

I wish people would just listen to me when I tell them my vices are nothing to worry about. If they were, would I be able to be on my third bottle while weaving in and out of traffic on this sick electric scooter I found abandoned inside my neighbor’s garage? I rest my case.

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ADHD Man Forgets To Take Highly Addictive Medicine For 4th Straight Day

BY Sam LiButti 

DENVER — Sources report that a local man has once again forgotten to take his ADHD medicine, which his doctor was initially reluctant to prescribe him due to the medication’s high potential for addiction and overuse. 

“It works great for me; it really helps with all of my symptoms. Of all the medicines that I have forgotten to take over the years, this one is by far the best,” said Hank Cosman as he looked around for his keys, which he swore he just had in his hand. “I wish I could find the prescription so that I could pop one right now to help me remember where the pill bottle even is, you know?”

Hank’s partner Fred Wright reports that they are always having to remind him to take his medication, and that the doctors made it very clear to be aware of the risks involved. 

“Yeah, basically every day I have to hound Hank to take his pills. The doctors gave me all kinds of pamphlets to warn me about the signs of addiction, which were very helpful because it gives me something to whack Hank on the arm with when I tell him that he can’t keep forgetting to take his meds,” said Wright. “Some days he even forgets that he forgot to take it; try and wrap your mind around that one.” 

Mr. Cosman’s doctor, James Cramblin, is still concerned that addiction could arise at any moment for his ADHD patients.

“If they take this medication every day, it could help them to remember that they are supposed to take it every day, and it could be pandemonium,” said Dr.Cramblin, with the fear of God in his eyes. “I’ve heard stories of 19-year-old kids popping their friend’s pills to help them study, which gives me pause when prescribing helpful medication to law-abiding 35-year-olds with ADHD. I prefer to stick with less addictive, less useful medications, just to be safe.”

At press time, Cosman was still searching for his keys and somehow also lost his glasses in the process.