thehardtimes

Hard Digest September 9: Early Access Les Claypool, Planet Fitness, Tim Walz, and More

Added 2024-09-10 00:00:04 +0000 UTC

Les Claypool Sends Follow-up Email to Metallica Regarding 1986 Bass Audition

EL SOBRANTE, Calif. — Prolific bassist and Primus frontman Les Claypool sent a follow-up email to metal band Metallica regarding his 1986 audition for them, confirmed sources who needed answers.

“I just wanted to reach out and thank the band for the opportunity to audition for the position of bass guitarist,” said Claypool. “Our meeting was very informative, and I believe that I would be an excellent addition because they said they were looking for ‘rockstars’ so I clearly fit that bill. I have years of experience in both touring and recording as well as writing lyrics about fishermen, tweakers, and mud. I’ve even composed music that was used in both ‘Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater’ and the theme song for the show ‘South Park.’ I very much appreciate their consideration for this opening, and hope they don’t hesitate to reach out if they have questions. References are also available upon request.”

Primus guitarist Larry LaLonde was not happy to hear about the activity of his longtime bandmate.

“It’s actually pretty irritating to find out the guy I’ve been playing with for the past 35 years has been using us as leverage to gain himself a more lucrative position,” LaLonde complained while adjusting the effects on his Keeley Bubble Tron effects pedal. “This band has been my full-time job since I was in my 20s, and you don’t see me using it as a stopgap like he apparently is. If I would’ve known this back in 1989, I would’ve foregone joining it entirely and just gone back to my old band Possessed. At least they never had song titles like ‘Mary the Ice Cube’ and ‘Hamburger Train.’”

Metallica singer and rhythm guitarist James Hetfield was both confused and concerned for Claypool.

“I don’t understand what Les thinks we’ve been up to this past 38 years,” Hetfield wondered. “I mean, we’re currently on our second bassist since he auditioned shortly after Cliff Burton passed. Since then, we’ve become the most recognizable metal band in the world and won 10 Grammys. In retrospect, we probably should have reached out to let him know he didn’t get the job, but I’ve always assumed ghosting him was more professional”

At press time, Claypool was frantically trying to recall the email he sent so he could remove Dave Mustaine from the distribution list, having suddenly remembered he had been kicked out of the band in 1983.

If Planet Fitness Is a Judgement Free Zone Then Why Can’t I Pay My Fees in Copper Wire

By Drew Gigis

Afew months back I got laid off from the steel mill after drunk driving an overhead crane, so money has been a little tight. I’ve slashed my budget down to just the bare essentials. The only extra expense I refuse to give up is the gym.

There is nothing I take more seriously than my personal health and when I fell on hard times, the only place that was sacred turned its back on me. Planet Fitness loves sitting on its high horse claiming to be a so-called “Judgement Free Zone” but I brought at least 20 pounds of clean, already stripped, copper wire to maintain my membership and the staff refused my, more than fair, haul of scrap.

I was getting by for a while taking various metals to the scrap yard for cash, but one little altercation where I put the cashier in a headlock for trying to lowball me on the price of iron and that option was taken from me. So I figured Planet Fitness would understand and accept the wire I ripped out of my neighbor’s garage.

Now this isn’t the first issue I’ve had with Planet Fitness. Last April I was asked to leave after bringing my pet snakes in to use the massage chair, they go nuts for it. But I just figured that was due to some sort of ridiculous sanitary rule. However this time the fatcats funning this smug organization showed their true colors when they threatened to call the police on me for simply trying to sculpt my delts, and maybe for smashing the card scanner with a well-timed headbutt.

I shouldn’t be surprised Planet Fitness turned out to be yet another disappointment in the tragedy that is life. It’s my fault for trying to remain at least a little optimistic. I actually believed I would be free from judgment for once in my life and they broke a trust that can never be repaired.

I thought my life was over without the gym. However I always find a way to overcome adversity, and this time is no different. I realized how much these facilities were actually holding me back. Now, the whole world is my gym. From marathon pull-up sessions on monkey bars at the local playground to deadlifting as many frozen turkeys as the grocery store has. I now have the ability to show everyone how strong I am. Also how fast I am as the police are called pretty regularly, but a body like this doesn’t happen without some hurdles to overcome.

Tim Walz Under Fire for Allegedly Inflating Bag Toss Score at Family BBQ in 1998

By Ben Friedman

ST. PAUL, Minn. — Democratic Vice President hopeful Tim Walz found himself in the middle of a barrage of criticism after it was revealed he allegedly inflated his score during a game of bag toss at a family barbeque in 1998, his campaign managers confirmed.

“After weeks of trying to find something credibly scandalous that would actually stick, we had a lede from Governor Walz’s second cousin’s ex-husband that ‘Tampon Tim’ brazenly tacked on a few extra points to his bag toss score one boozy weekend at the cabin in the late ‘90s,” said conservative think tank member Ryan Donner. “Polls are indicating it’s shaking Midwesterners’ faith in Walz, and they know more than anyone that you don’t fuck around with the sanctity of bag toss for personal gain. Checkmate, liberals!”

Kamala Harris’ campaign acknowledged the events of the barbeque were true, though voters shouldn’t be concerned.

“When vetting Governor Walz, he acknowledged an incident on July 3rd, 1998 where after four Leinenkugels he added two points to his team during a game of bags so he could start grilling up the brats sooner,” said coordinator Trevor Skolman. “While some may view this as a significant lapse in moral character, rest assured it was just a one-time thing because his nephews were dogging him about being hungry and he was confident he’d win anyway. However, the governor will not be apologizing for calling it ‘bags’ instead of ‘cornhole.’”

Researchers from previous presidential campaigns highlighted the difficulty of finding election-ending dirt on popular candidates.

“Vetting a candidate is harder than it looks. When one side finds themselves up against a popular, clean-cut candidate, we’ll be scraping the bottom of the barrel to find anything worth a damn like an overdue parking ticket or picking their kid up from soccer practice 15 minutes late. It’s what we in the field call ‘inconsequential bullshit,’” said former strategist Harold Forks. “A campaign can only hope a bunch of small transgressions in the news cycle will sway voters. We all remember Walter Mondale’s photo op of him in the tank ended up costing him the election, and yet the news of Ronald Reagan drowning puppies with his bare hand didn’t make any headlines.”

As of press time, Walz’s family spoke out about the incident and said everyone at the party immediately forgave him after he donned a hilarious grill apron with an airbrushed bikini body on it.

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“I Brought Some Board Games, if Anyone Feels Like Playing,” States Friend for the Fourth Time

BY Dan Kozuh

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Board game enthusiast and reluctant partygoer Erik Hicks interrupted an ongoing conversation at a social gathering to reiterate that he brought some choice selections of his board game collection, just in case anyone was interested in playing, annoyed attendees reported.

“The music was kind of loud and people were talking so I wasn’t sure if anyone heard me the first few times that I told them that I had brought a bunch of games,” Hicks stated while moving snacks and drinks out of the way to make room for Terra Mystica. “I brought some pretty easy games to play that I think everyone will get the hang of like Scythe, Agricola, Oath, and Twilight Imperium. You know, just in case anyone wants to play.”

The host and other partygoers had tried their best to be polite to Hicks without getting involved in a board game.

“Erik is a good guy but I don’t think he understands that some people don’t want to spend most of their Friday night learning how to become the most powerful cheese magnate in Victorian London or some shit,” party host Natalie Castro said. “Every time I invite him over he says that he’ll bring some games and I try to politely tell him he doesn’t have too. He always says it’s no problem. I don’t think he understands I am begging him not to but nevertheless he’ll show up with some game about steampunk mice or whatever.”

Sociologist Dr. Laura Harrington explains that this is a common trait among the board game community.

“Many in the board game community lack some of the core social skills necessary to survive a party situation, like the ability to execute small talk or enjoy a comfortable silence so they instinctively try to rope their friends and loved ones into a board game about collecting gems on Mars,” Dr. Harrington said. “These poor souls cannot seem to fathom that not everyone would jump at the chance to spend six-hours playing a game about running a button factory. I recommend that you be blunt with them or they will never take the hint.”

When reached for an update, Hicks had finally finished setting up the game at 1 a.m. just in time for everyone to leave.

AddictingGames.com Raided by DEA

BY Alec Walker

PACIFIC PALISADES, Calif. — Website AddictingGames.com was raided by the DEA this week for distributing “mind-altering flash games” to children, multiple sources confirmed.

“This has been our white whale for almost two decades now,” said Brent Chandler, DEA officer and certified narc nerd. “I lost my son to Fancy Pants Adventure back in 2006, and ever since it’s been my goal to bring these monsters to justice. You can’t show kids such fancy pants and expect them not to get addicted. The laws surrounding indie flash games were just not concrete enough at the time, so there was nothing I could do when I walked into my son’s room to see his eyes glazed over, entranced by an infinite loop he made on Line Rider.”

Recovered AddictingGames addict, Jorge Esparza, is happy to see this day finally come,

“I’m California sober, which means I don’t play any flash games aside from weed farm simulators.” said Esparza. “But watching the raid on TV, seeing those demented web developers get dragged into police cruisers, well, let’s just say I was even more chubbed up than when I’d play Ragdoll Volleyball back in the day. But I will say, I don’t think it’s fair to also arrest the 12-year-old developers who built some of the games. They were victims of the site too, ya know? Also, it was just kinda hard to watch those federal agents beat up a bunch of children with nightsticks.”

Founder of AddictingGames.com, Bill Karamouzis, does not seem phased by the impending charges,

“This is bullshit. I fully expect the charges to be dropped. Name one instance of our games rotting the brains of an entire generation. FUCK.” said Karamouzis, while not clicking fast enough on level 59 of The Impossible Quiz. “Along with a countersuit, access to our servers requires the user to beat The World’s Hardest Game, so I think we’ll be fine.”

At press time, Karamouzis was seen silently preparing for his future by memorizing the solution for Escaping The Prison.