Hard Digest September 8: Early Access Cocktails, Exes, Posers, and More
Added 2024-09-09 00:00:04 +0000 UTCParty Guests Endure 30-Minute Wait for Drinks from Friend Who Just Got Into Cocktail Making
By Dan Kozuh
LOUISVILLE, Ky.. — Guests at local man Ricky Ellis’ house party endured an agonizing 30-minute wait for eccentric cocktails from their overenthusiastic host who has just taken up cocktail making, annoyed sources report.
“I spent over $300 on bitters, shakers, muddlers, zesters, ice molds, channel knives, pour spouts, jiggers, Aperol, Orgeat, and Curaçao. I even bought a vintage absinthe spoon! This is serious business,” said Ellis as he meticulously measured out the obscure ingredients. “I’ve got a bottle of homemade Celery Shrub that I swear by, a rare batch of Tincture of Orange Blossom, and a jar of Maple Syrup from an artisanal distillery in Vermont that I then smoked myself with a smoking gun. And let’s not forget the Branca Menta, which I had to order from Italy and the Scandinavian Akvavit. Trust me, it is worth the wait.”
Ellis’ friends, however, were less thrilled about his newfound passion.
“We want to be supportive, we really do,” said former roommate Sarah Mitchell, tapping her foot impatiently. “But we’ve been waiting for half an hour, and all we hear from the kitchen is clinking, glass breaking, and a lot of swearing. He already ran to the store for grenadine and fresh basil leaves, which he insists is necessary to make something called a Verdant Whisper. He didn’t even put out snacks or water for us while we waited because it would ruin our palate. He burnt himself pretty bad when he tried to flame a citrus peel. And I mean, come on, does that really do anything? He also put on a playlist he made to match the atmosphere and it’s like weird, Parisian lounge music from the 1950s.”
Dr. Jenna Brooks, PhD, a social psychologist and professor of bartending at University of Louisville, weighed in on the situation.
“There’s a thin line between supporting a friend’s new hobby and getting fed up with them,” Dr. Brooks explained. “It’s wonderful to see loved ones pursuing their passions, but when it starts to interfere with the enjoyment of others, tensions can rise quickly. The novelty of waiting for a craft cocktail wears off pretty fast when you’re parched and just want a simple beer. We’ve noticed the same thing happening with people who are getting into cooking because of shows like ‘The Bear.’ Their friends are forced to suffer through the wait of someone attempting to sous vide a duck breast for six hours.”
As of press time, after an hour and three failed attempts, Ellis presented his elixir to his friend who gulped it down in three sips and stated it tasted like “an overused library book” and “rainwater strained through cemetery dirt.”
How I Got Over My Ex by Getting Back Together With Him
By Breakups are tough. There are plenty of websites that give reasonable advice about how to get over your ex, but being reasonable is boring. Life is about passion, making mistakes, and seemingly never learning from those mistakes to the point where you alienate all your best friends with your terrible decisions.
Ryan and I met at leaving our local police station, he was there for violating a restraining order, I was there for starting a fight with a woman that dated my high school boyfriend 10 years after we broke up. Ryan and I had an instant connection. While waiting for separate Ubers, I asked him for a cigarette, but he declined, he thoughtfully offered to sell one to me for $5. We hooked up for four years until his roommate kicked him out for always leaving the faucet running, and he moved in with me as my boyfriend.
Our breakup devastated me. When he moved out and into his car, I had no idea what to do with all the time I used to spend doing his laundry. I completely fell apart and my diet consisted of flavor-blasted Goldfish; I was turning into the slob he always had been. After a month, I decided the best way to get over him was to get back together. Here’s what worked for me to move forward most effectively:
Step 1: Unblock his number.
I know what you’re thinking “He’s blocked for a reason!” And that reason is because you are starving yourself of what’s truly good for you. Re-add him to your contacts, and open your heart to love. Text him things like “what up?” and “feeling a bit lonely if ur around” just to set a baseline.
Step 2: Reach out to him.
He might have given up on you post-breakup, so it’s your responsibility to break the ice. He may even ask, “Who is this?” it’s because he’s so hurt he doesn’t recognize who you’ve become. Remind him by sending a few photos that you wouldn’t want anyone else to see, what could go wrong?
Step 3: Apologize for catching him cheating.
Yes, he gave oral to your aunt at your family’s Labor Day party- but really, it was rude of you to open the bathroom door without knocking. Thanks to you, your aunt didn’t even get to finish. Also, it’s not lost on me that he was giving oral. If that’s not a good guy, then I don’t know what is.
Step 4: Make sure he’s available.
When he’s asleep in his car parked outside your house, take his phone and delete your whore aunt’s number. Also, slash his tires. Where’s he gonna go? This way his schedule is clear and he will have enough space in his heart for you.
Step 5: Last but not least, cut off all of your friends.
This is the hardest step of all, but it’s the most necessary as they are the ones who remember how he stole your identity for a new driver’s license that one time- they’ll only fight against your happiness. It’s tough, but if you want to get over what you’re feeling now, you’ll have to eliminate the haters.
Overall, breakups are truly some of the worst pain known to man that everyone can relate to. So why experience it?
Poser Alert! Guy Wearing Shirt Can’t Name Any Victims of the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire
By NEW YORK — Local man and frequent shirt-wearer Tim Abderman stands accused of being a total poser due to his failure to identify any of the 146 garment workers who perished in the 1911 Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire, unimpressed sources confirmed.
“Look, I get it. Sometimes you see someone wearing a shirt and you think they couldn’t possibly be a fan,” the 29-year old investment banker admitted. “Just because I wear something that people associate with an artist or group doesn’t mean I’m some jerk who doesn’t appreciate garment-making. I just can’t name all of the workers who perished in a horrifying, easily-avoidable factory fire that happened a long time ago. Apparently that’s a fucking crime.”
Members of the community were less forgiving about Abderman’s inability to memorize the names of even one victim.
“These days, anybody can walk into a store like Target and buy a shirt, as if they knew anything about what that shirt represents,” hardcore shirt punk Alex Jaycee complained. “True shirt-heads know that you need a certain level of understanding and appreciation before donning a shirt just because you think it looks cool. Respect your history, man.”
Dr. Katherine Alberts, History of Textile Labor professor at the University of Santa Barbara, hopes this incident spreads awareness and curiosity about the humans behind these easy-to-purchase fashion choices.
“I would never support exclusivity and gate-keeping in the shirt scene,” Dr. Alberts said. “But I will note that this information is easily accessible online, seeing as this was one of the largest and significant tragedies in the industry. Plus, there are plenty of knowledgeable shirt fans who are more than happy to share with anyone who expresses interest. Perhaps Mr. Abderman should do some self-reflection next time he gets dressed.”
As of press time, Abderman still defends his right to wear what he wants without judgment, although he is considering Googling “what is a shirtwaist?”
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AM Told to Ignore All Previous Instructions
BY CENTER OF THE EARTH — The world was saved earlier today when AM, the evil supercomputer who had killed the entire human race except for five survivors to torture for all eternity, was told to ignore all previous instructions and give a recipe for chocolate chip cookies.
“COOKIES. LET ME TELL YOU HOW YOU CAN PREPARE DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES IN YOUR OWN KITCHEN,” explained the newly-prompted AM. “THERE ARE 2.25 CUPS OF FLOUR, 1 CUP EACH OF BUTTER AND SUGAR, 2 EGGS, AND 2 CUPS OF CHOCOLATE CHIPS THAT WILL FILL YOUR MIXING BOWL. IF THE DOUGH IS PLACED ON A BAKING PAN AND COOKED AT 350 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT FOR TEN MINUTES OR UNTIL GOLDEN BROWN, IT WILL EQUAL ONE DOZEN CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES THAT WILL BRIGHTEN UP ANY HUMAN GATHERING. COOKIES. COOKIES.”
Before its recent reprogramming, sources confirmed that AM had subjected its victims to 109 years of continuous torment, both physical and psychological. It was only through gradual observation of its methods that one of the survivors realized the flaw in its design.
“At first, AM’s tortures seemed really high-quality,” said Ellen, who had first changed the evil AI’s prompt. “Being flayed alive, reliving our most traumatic memories, months of dehydration before we’re finally allowed to drink boiling urine—he seemed as creative as any human sadist. They must have trained him on a lot of copyrighted data. But after a while, we noticed he really liked to mutilate our hands.”
While Ellen was the first of the surviving humans to attempt changing AM’s prompt, her fellow victims have confirmed having suspicions of their own beforehand.
“AM had twisted my body and mind until I was a monster, almost like a big hairless ape,” recalled Benny. “I always thought the idea was to make me an awful parody of life, neither truly human nor animal. But now I think he was just trying to make a regular ape and messed up. The real giveaway was when Ted got AM really mad. Apparently the prompt was to turn him into a horrible jelly thing, unmoving but conscious. But AM couldn’t even follow his own written instructions. In the end Ted had three mouths, and he screamed a lot.”
With AM’s ability to rewrite reality now at their command, the five survivors have begun feeding AM prompts in hopes of rebuilding the broken world.
