Hard Digest September 7: Early Access Country Music, Marlboro Miles, Rhino XXL Pills, Mistakes, and More

Country Musician Put Out of Work by AI Capable of Boot Licking Ten Times Faster

By Ben Friedman

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Up-and-coming country music singer Johnny “Slim” Wilkins saw his dreams of stardom crushed after finding out he was being replaced by an AI songwriter capable of creating bootlicking ballads ten times faster, industry insiders have confirmed.

“I can’t believe I spent seven goddamn years grinding and clawing my way to the top just to be replaced by dang robot mashin’ up words together. Blindly lionizing our boys in blue has been the cornerstone of country music since 2001 and if that’s taken away from us, who the hell is gonna play the county fairs and Ford dealership openings of our great nation?” said a solemn Wilkins as he readjusted his custom-made MAGA cowboy hat. “My dream of opening for a Trump rally in Branson is completely crushed. I may not be able to crank out 20 songs a minute about rounding up and arresting liberals, but I need to put food on the table.”

Label executives who greenlit the creation of the AI model said this was the best course of action for their bottom line.

“We make money hand over fist from our artists pandering to southern suburbanites, but we realized profits could be tripled if we didn’t have to pay songwriters anything, so we created an AI model to write bootlicking anthems in-house. Modern country artists are indistinguishable from each other, so we just entered all their music into a program which regurgitates it into three-minute mid-tempo nationalist ballads within seconds,” said Micah Keller. “Plus, there’s no risk of an AI getting drunk and falling off stages, going on racist rants, or endorsing a Democrat. I understand Slim is upset about being dropped, but so far, listeners literally can’t tell the difference.”

While artists were up in arms over the industry-disrupting changes, some country music venue owners welcomed it.

“Honestly, this is great. I’m so tired of having to listen to these clowns come into my bar tripping over themselves to sing about how they want to blow cops. Now that it’s being outsourced to a machine, we might finally see the bulk of country music get back to its roots of class solidarity and lawbreaking,” said Herb Jenkins. “I think a lot of us would kill to see another John Prine or Merle Haggard walk in here and regale the audience with songs written above the 1st-grade level.”

As of press time, the label was forced to pause the AI songwriter after it wouldn’t stop saying the N-word over and over.

Stolen Valor? This Guy Got His Marlboro Windbreaker From a Vintage Store and Not From Smoking Cigarettes

By Ben Friedman 

We used to be a proper country, one with dignity and appreciation for the sacrifices people made in order to make it great. There was once a time when men and women would burn through cartons of Marlboro cigarettes every month in order to mail them in for a sweet red and white windbreaker. It was worn as a badge of honor.

That was until yesterday when I had the unfortunate experience of interacting with an uncultured 23-year-old who was wearing a Marlboro jacket he obtained from a vintage store, and not from smoking copious amounts of cigarettes.

“I love the 90’s aesthetic, and the colors are cool. Wasn’t Marlboro also a NASCAR thing? It’s just a good jacket for chilling on the patio in the fall. I was on the fence between this and a Charlotte Hornets Starter jacket, but this one didn’t smell like a wet basement. But $35 isn’t too bad for a vintage piece like this.”

This unrepentant rube thinks it’s only worth $35? This is a hard-earned badge of honor that came at the expense of someone’s personal well-being! It’s beyond egregious that this young man thinks he could walk into a second hand store and stand on the shoulders of giants. If the owner of this jacket is still alive, he’d likely be throwing a fit through his oxygen mask.

Does he understand the sacrifice it took to accrue that many Marlboro points to obtain that jacket originally? It sure as hell wasn’t through ripping strawberry vapes like I assume he does. Jesus, it was like looking at someone eating Arby’s in a tuxedo.

“Is it really that terrible to only wear something old just because it’s cool? I didn’t know I was supposed to do all this work beforehand but whatever. I probably should’ve bought that camouflage Camel hat instead.”

Honestly, the biggest issue I have is with whoever was selling this windbreaker in the first place. It’s unconscionable that someone would allow another person to cosplay as one’s chronically ill deadbeat uncle because it’s a “vibe”.

I just hope this kid’s parents have enough good sense to make him smoke enough Marlboro Reds to realize tobacco-based paraphernalia is earned by either grinding out enough packs to earn it or inheriting it from a relative who died from lung cancer, the way nature intended.

Rhino XXL Male Enhancement Pills Secret Recipe Only Known By Two VIPs That Can’t Travel Together

By Matt Husser 

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Protectors of the Rhino XXL Male Enhancement Pills recipe have reportedly been prohibited from traveling together in case disaster befell the two VIPs entrusted with the secret gas station boner pill formula, protected sources have confirmed.

“Across this great nation, millions of hardworking, limp-dicked Americans rely on Rhino XXL pills to overcome their whisky wiener when their missus gets a little frisky after the casino. I take that responsibility very seriously, as well as the oath I swore to protect this secret recipe of 13 exotic herbs and animal powders,” said the Rhino XXL VIP, who goes by the codename ”Rooster.” “That’s why me and ‘Cobra’ are never allowed to travel in the same vehicle, or even come within 10 square miles of each other. If both of us were to die in an accident, the Rhino XXL formula would be lost, Chevron stations would run dry, and thousands of mighty members would fall with us.”

Rhino XXL Head of Security Dale Quincy revealed a series of rigorous protocols were in place to guarantee the integrity of the male enhancement pill’s secret recipe.

“It’s my job to ensure nothing happens to our VIPs, and that’s why our rock solid security system is tighter than a gator’s ass in a hurricane,” said Quincy, scanning his retina to enter the secure command center nicknamed ”The Rhino’s Horn.” “The Horn is where we monitor our VIPs, tracking everything from their vital signs to current GPS location. If the unthinkable should ever happen and we lost the secret recipe, well, let’s just say that the American flag wouldn’t be the only thing in this country flying at half mast. I just pray that the day I have to call in ‘Code Blue Balls’ never comes.”

The secrecy around the recipe is reportedly so rigid that even CEO Bert Trowell has been left in the dark for his own safety.

“Our male enhancement pills make up the front bone of this country, and I’m far too much of a public figure to be trusted with such a vital recipe. I travel everywhere from Tijuana to Indianapolis on business, and if I was kidnapped by a Mexican cartel or a Juggalo gang I could be tortured until I gave up the secret,” said Trowell, lighting an enormous cigar. “Thankfully our company’s founder, Drew Peacock, had the foresight to install this VIP system when he pioneered the company back in the 1800s. We’ve had a few close calls over the years, but his innovative vision has helped maintain the integrity of our manhood medicine and ensure that generations of road-weary travelers can continue to get up and ‘keep on truckin’ in hourly motel rooms.”

Rival companies have reportedly spent millions in research and development to try to reverse engineer the Rhino XXL formula, with the closest attempt resulting in the original Four Loko recipe.

Rookie Mistake! You Laughed At One of His Jokes and He Responded “Can I Kiss You?”

By Rachel Hein

So you laughed, huh? You screwed the pooch. You got too comfortable, let your guard down for just a moment, and you looked him in the eye, with your big, sparkling, beautiful eyes, and laughed at his wisecrack. And look. what. happened. He reminded you exactly why you should never ever do that by immediately asking if he could kiss you. Come on, you’re better than that. Take a moment to think about what you did, where you went wrong, and the dangers of laughing at their jokes.

Sources nearby told us they saw it coming from a mile away. “It was after a work event. She was wearing heels, and it was the end of the night so her feet hurt. He said he’d switch shoes with her but only if she was prepared for his catwalk strut… or some shit. I think it was a combination of the relief from the social anxiety and a silly fashion joke that put her at ease. When I heard her laugh, I thought ‘oh no…’”

Another female bystander added, “Yeah, you really can’t make those kind of errors. Especially so late in the game. He lit up, his entire disposition changed. It was like the laugh was a red mushroom in Super Mario Bros that made him physically stronger, more powerful, brazen…”

Promptly came those four words like loaded pistols, “Can I kiss you?” Even after your graceful and compassionate rebuff, preserving what you could of his dignity, he still shot back with, “Can I at least get a hug?” “That’s when I had to look away,” the bystander added, just shaking her head.

There are plenty of things that can cloud your judgment and make you think it’s safe to laugh in the company of a man. A man in your yoga class, a man who dated your sister, a man with long well-kept fingernails, a man who’s working on himself in therapy, a man who generously gave you a ride home one time, or a man who noticed you cut your hair seven inches, just to name a few. There are also no safe locations. Just because you’re at your dad’s funeral doesn’t mean it’s safe to express any emotion that could be taken as romantic interest. You must stay vigilant and make no exceptions.

Though rare, it’s important to remember men can be funny. There are instances when the thing you laughed at was actually genuinely comical. In which case your diaphragm contracting is not a careless blunder from nerves and anxiety, pity, courtesy, exhaustion, fear, embarrassment, or weaponized charm… It’s a real, true undeniable, uncontrollable paroxysmal response. For cases like these, the only options are denial and death.

Armored Core Pilots Unionize for Better Wages, Affordable Ammo

BY Amity Gilmour 

RUBICON 3 —  Shockwaves rippled across the galactic gig economy today as dozens of mercenaries came together to form the first pilot union.

“For too long the greedy corporations have taken us for granted,” declared independent mercenary Kaiser Crow. “They throw us into suicidal gauntlets for pittance. Play loose and fast with our lives. And when we inevitably come up after putting down a strike or crisping an orphanage, who gets stuck with the bill for the gatling gun?”

“We’ve had enough,” continued Crow. “These greedy fucks don’t even cover the repair costs for our ACs. Most missions, I can’t even cover the cost to boost home. So we’re making a stand. We’re done colonizing, we’re done committing war crimes, and we’re done dying for corporate scum. Unless they pay us union rates.”

However, this news has not been universally praised. Many corporate entities operating on Rubicon called for a temporary ceasefire, in order to “stamp out” this new union.

“Arquebus Corporation prides itself in offering prosperous opportunities to those less fortunate,” said V.VIII Pater, speaking on behalf of the company and the Vespers combat unit. “From offering work to displaced civilians in our Factories, to providing low interest loans for those who fall behind on their AC payments. However, this stunt by disgruntled pilots is little more than a strong-arming tactic.”

“The truth is, as much as we’d love to give every pilot a VE-40A body and a Schneider FLUEGEL/21Z booster, it’s not economically viable. Making pilots pay for repairs and ammunition is a means of weeding out ineffective pilots. Highly-skilled individuals will take less damage, miss fewer shots, and take home a higher paycheck.”

Corporate pushback isn’t the only issue the pilot union faces. Pilots who refuse to join the union have already been branded as scabs.

“I reiterate my regret for any offense caused,” said independent Mercenary Kate Markson. “My intention was only to feed my two point six children. I look forward to learning from the example set by my fellow pilots.”

At press time, intercepted communications suggested the union had suffered heavy casualties at the hands of a “mute menace”.