Hard Digest September 6: Early Access Bad Religion, Drunks, Check Engine Light, Attachment Styles, and More

Bad Religion’s New Album Slams Inefficiencies of the Medicare System

By Jose Balderas 

LOS ANGELES — Long-time fans of the seminal melodic hardcore punk band Bad Religion were surprised by the unexpected release of their 18th studio album, “Into The Unknown: Part 2,” which mainly focuses on issues surrounding Medicare, sources confirmed.

“We felt the need to take on something that everyone who has followed us from the beginning is going to be battling very soon, the federal Medicare system,” said founding member Brett Gurewitz. “This album is very personal because it’s inspired by many of our own experiences with the struggles and pitfalls of getting coverage and finding doctors familiar with the needs of touring musicians. Greg Graffin and I wrote, what I think, are some of our best songs ever. You’re going to listen to some of the most aggressive punk rock you’ve ever heard from us as we tear down their inefficient phone tree system and ridiculous expectations of forcing us to pick our primary medical providers during a small window every year.”

Many lifelong fans noted that the new album, like many previous Bad Religion albums, opened their eyes to issues they never were completely familiar with.

“I’m only in my mid-30s but to have knowledge and be able to speak on issues related to Medicare Part A and Part B really opens the scope of conversations I can have with other punks and my parents. I wasn’t aware of the unfair treatment people get when they enroll late and get a penalized fee for life! For life!” exclaimed longtime fan Billy Noces. “I’m still about 30 more years out from dealing with Medicare but I’ll be ready when it’s time to quarrel with the feds over health insurance for this misanthropic anthropoid.”

Hours after the release of the album Social Security offices reported receiving a large number of calls from aged punks.

“We understand lots of fans of a certain age are excited to finally enroll in one of many Medicare plans and finally be treated for a pit injury they received in 1991 but we urge you to make sure you have filled out your application properly. Please don’t put ‘Epitaph Records’ as your authorized representative, they have not consented to that, and please don’t include your collection of Gibson Les Paul guitars as tax dependents,” explained Social Security information officer Estrella Torniyo. “And while we understand that Greg Graffin, Dexter Holland, and Milo Aukerman hold Ph. Ds they are not medical physicians and can’t be your primary doctor.”

At press time, Medicare has stated your Sweetwater rep is eligible to be your authorized representative due to them knowing your personal details.

Opinion: I’m The Drunkest Patron In This Bathroom Line So I Should Get To Pee First

By Amy Currul 

It’s been a long night of drinking, meaning we have inevitably reached the point where my bladder has caught up to my mouth/stomach, and I am now facing the consequences of my actions.

In short: I need to pee.

The problem is, I am far too drunk to patiently wait in a bar bathroom line. Since I decided to consume more alcohol than humanly possible I feel it is my right to blast my way to the front of the line while hurling insults at every single one of you waiting patiently for your turn. If you wanted to be first, you should have tried drinking a little more, but we all know you are too chickenshit for something like that, admit it. Also, I’m so wasted that I’m ready to become violent at any second, and I just bought a new can of bear spray, so try stopping me.

It should be a need-based system – these other people are having a pleasant chat or watching their ex’s Instagram story or just standing silently, so clearly don’t need to pee THAT badly. Me, on the other hand, who can’t shut the fuck up and is about four seconds away from going full “WASP classroom parent” on their asses? They should feel lucky they’re dealing with me instead of Susan. She’d be running this place like the Navy, same way she ran my kindergarten classroom and also my life.

And just what is up with these people! Why are they fine waiting in such a long line? They must not be having a very exciting night, otherwise they’d be trying to hustle out of here too to get back upstairs where the real action is. I personally had my eye on a cute bartender and I’d love to get back to seducing her, if I can ever get out of this godforsaken line. It would be much more satisfying if the reason I had to steal my roommate’s UTI medication was because “I had sex with a hot bartender” and not because “I had to wait in a very long bar bathroom line.”

Allowing me to pee first is good for the community, it’s good for the sex I’m aspiring to have later, and it’s good for America. Also if you don’t, I might “accidentally” set your car on fire, don’t believe me? Check the police report for all the recent automobile arson activity. That’s me.

Oh and don’t worry, I will use the last of the toilet paper and not tell the person going into the stall behind me. I’m the drunkest person in this line, what did you expect?

‘Check Engine’ Only Light in Woman’s Life

By Meghan Horgan 

BATON ROUGE, La. — Local woman Georgia Luenette was stunned to notice that, aside from the ‘Check Engine’ light flashing on her car, she had nothing else going on in her sad existence, sources confirmed amidst half-hearted offerings of ‘there there…’ and ‘chin up!”

“At the risk of sounding far too vulnerable, I really don’t have too much going on in my life that drags me out of bed in the morning. But, when I get behind the wheel of my pre-owned Kia Rio, and that little ‘Check Engine’ icon lights up like a beacon from heaven, I know I’ve got something on the horizon.” confessed the public middle school teacher. “It may not be much, but it’s everything to me…just as long as the car doesn’t blow up before I actually get around to taking it into the shop.”

Mechanics in the area have begun theorizing when and if Luenette will ever actually address the light’s meaning.

“Seems to me that having a vehicle in perfect working order, especially one as crummy looking as the heap she’s driving around in, might be worth more to one’s peace of mind than a blinking light in your dashboard. But, hey, I’m just some guy.” said “Muffler Manor” owner Ivan Quinn, while slinging a greasy rag into a nearby hamper. “Whatever brings you joy. I personally have a lot to live for, but I’m an empathetic sort, so I understand. If her carburetor gives out on her and she goes hurtling over a cliff, at least she’ll be smiling, right? That’s about all we can ask for.”

Mental health professionals offered their official diagnosis while trying not to seem judgemental.

“Well, there’s no way to force someone to find more meaning in the good things they’ve got going but can’t seem to see. In this person’s case, the fact that she’s an educator should bring her some element of civic pride,” said Dr. Helen Buchwalden, from her Louisiana offices. “But, then again, as a mother of two 13-year-old twin boys, I know how stressful that can be. In fact, between you and me, I’ve been taking the long way home from work in order to leave my partner in charge of them for just a few precious moments longer, so I can be alone with my thoughts…and the ‘check engine’ light of my own.”

At press time, Luenette was seen tampering with her own vehicle, in vain hopes of getting more notifications and alarms going on her car.

Avoidant Attachment Style? This Man Just Blocked My Phone Number

By Dom Turek

You don’t need a degree in clinical psychology to diagnose someone. How do I know this? I’ve been diagnosing my friends, family members, and potential lovers with mental disorders for years while refusing to address my own emotional state – and that’s what we call selflessness.

As luck would have it, this is the sixth emotionally avoidant man I’ve dated in less than three months. The second I try to establish any kind of intimacy with someone by suggesting a weekly date night or reminding them that my biological clock is ticking and I only have about 20,000 fertile eggs left, they start to pull away. You can’t take it personally, though.

Avoidant people are hard-wired to shun emotional closeness and dismiss the importance of intimate relationships due to early childhood neglect or trauma. The point I’m trying to make is that when a man blocks your phone number, it means he’s starting to like you so much that it scares him, which is why I was ecstatic to find out I’ve been blocked by my most recent date on at least three different modes of communication.

The avoidant attachment in your life might say things like, “I need some space right now,” “I genuinely don’t feel a connection with you,” or “Please, leave me alone, I’m married,” but these are all indicators that he is falling for you HARD and secretly wants to be pursued. For people with a firm grasp on reality and a secure attachment style, like myself, this seemingly never-ending game of cat and mouse can be exhausting, but true love is worth it in the end.

Relationships require hard work and persistence, which is the message of one of my favorite romantic comedies, “Fatal Attraction.” If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a no-nonsense woman who goes above and beyond to court a man she meets at a work function. She pursues this whirlwind romance even when he’s being a little bitch and all the cards are stacked against them. I forget how it ends, but I think it’s one of those sappy happily-ever-after movies.

As for my own “happily ever after,” I’m not sure what Cupid has in store for me and my latest suitor, but the fact he even blocked me on Venmo makes me think he might be “the one.”

More From The Hard Times:

Every Broken Hope Album Ranked Worst to Best

Every Muppet Ranked by How Often Their Altercations at BDSM Clubs Have Made Headlines

Pregnant Destiny Player Must Buy Each Trimester Separately

BY Jake Mooney 

SEATTLE — Yet another controversy surrounds the Destiny community as pregnant player Jade Winters has discovered that she must pay for each individual trimester.

“I’m still not sure how this is biologically possible,” Winters, a longtime Destiny player and expecting mother, expressed her confusion in a recent Twitter post. “I go to my doctor and they’re telling me I have to pay to access each 13-week interval? I was under the impression that content was included in the ultrasound.”

Destiny 2’s Senior Narrative Designer Ava Rice justified the decision in the latest This Week in Destiny (TWID).

“We decided that motherhood would best be experienced in three distinct episodes,” Rice outlined. “Episode I will feature a weekly story developing the embryo into a more complex fetus. Episode II centers baby names and nursery designs, and will feature a gender-reveal inspired dungeon. Finally, Episode III is entirely about the labor process, including a new multiplayer activity with customizable doulas.”

The post went on to outline Bungie’s plans for the maternity expansion, including a preview of what’s to come in each episode.

“While we understand your frustrations, we believe that trisecting the journey of motherhood will create three uniquely immersive experiences, rather than a single, drawn-out storyline.” Rice continued. “You have to keep in mind that this universe is years in the making. While the purchases may not feel worthwhile now, we promise that everything will narratively fall into place on the child’s 7th birthday. These things take time.”

OB/GYN and Destiny expert Bruce Forrester explained how this system is actually necessary for Winters to have a healthy pregnancy.

“It appears that repeated exposure to a particular stimulus while pregnant, in this case, purchasing micro-expansions, has the potential to rewire the brain and body to get used to and eventually depend on repeated exposure to said stimulus to maintain homeostasis,” explained Forrester. “As a Destiny player, Winters has already purchased enough microtransactions that it’s embedded into her DNA and by proxy the baby’s. Trying to have this baby without paying for each trimester could kill it.”

At press time, Bungie announced a change to their episodic release schedule, clarifying that postpartum depression will no longer be part of Episode III, but rather a new expansion entirely.

Divorced Gamer Follows Up Racist Manifesto With Plea For His Kids to Return His Calls

BY Johnny Amizich 

BOCA CHICA, Texas — Divorced gamer and distinguished racist, Elon Musk, followed up his latest vitriolic post on X – The Everything App with an urgent plea for any of his ever expanding brood to return his calls.

After posting what can only be described as a lengthy racist manifesto on X – The Everything App, Musk lamented the lack of phone calls he has received from any of his 11 known children.

“The Woke Mind Virus has taken my children from me.” Musk said before retweeting an account under the username “HitlerLover88” that depicted an image we are unable to display in this publication. Musk, who has admitted in a legal deposition to using a secondary account pretending to be his toddler son, wrote on his own timeline, “Don’t cry, Space Dad. It’s not your fault the custody system is run by DEI hires,” Making readers wonder if he had accidentally posted on main.

X – The Everything App CEO Linda Yaccarino, responded to criticism of Musk’s post which has driven away all but the most questionable of advertisers, and left the site’s financial future in doubt.

“X’s mission has always been and will continue to be supporting free speech,” Yaccarino said. “While I don’t agree with much of the substance of his manifesto, I will defend to the death his right to post it.” When asked about the impact the owner’s erratic behavior has had on advertising Yaccarino replied, “X is proud of the ad partners we have, and look forward to working with more of them in the future. Where else can you find this many colloidal silver products advertised in one spot?”

Musk’s rabid fanbase were quick to defend him in the replies on his posts and offer their support for the controversial billionaire.

“I’d return your calls, Elon. I love you. If only I had been born a woman I would happily let you breed me,” wrote perennial Musk bootlicker Ian Miles Cheong

“Many Based Men go unappreciated in their time, but history will remember you fondly, Elon. I love you,” DogeDesigner quote tweeted.

At press time Musk was seen quote-tweeting several posts from an account promoting phrenology, calling their findings “interesting”.