thehardtimes

Hard Digest September 3: Early Access Scene Elders, Weed, Hiking, and More

Added 2024-09-04 00:00:03 +0000 UTC

Scene Elder Passes Down Oral History of Who Hates Who and Why

CHULA VISTA, Calif. — The patriarch of the local scene assembled the area’s young punks to hear an oral history of longstanding beefs, according to gossipy sources.

“So many of the O.G. crew have gone straight, died or left the area, so I’m the only one left that knows the full history of the scene. I’m not getting any younger, either,” said 43-year-old Henry “Oldhead” McIntyre. “I figured it was time to pass down my knowledge to the next generation. I brought together all the young bloods and regaled them with tales of the scene’s rich history. I covered everything from the origin of the feud between Rad Maggot and Pus Patrol to the saga of Eddie Scuzz, who cheated on Syd Silver with Maggie Kane only to end up with Phoebe from The Blank Czechs.”

Some members of the rapt audience expressed concern about who would take over stewardship of the scene should McIntyre die or get a real job.

“If something happens to Oldie, there’s gonna be a massive power vacuum,” said Marsha Skinner as she worked on a zine collecting McIntyre’s tales. “There are some guys waiting in the wings for their chance to become the area’s alpha punk, and it might get ugly. I’ve heard that Tex Hinton has been honing his gatekeeping skills in anticipation of being in a position to dictate to all of us what’s good and what’s shit. Gordie Floyd and Speck Stinson recently came to blows over who has the more comprehensive local seven inch collection. The scene is a pot ready to boil over.”

UCLA anthropology professor Adrian Conley says there are parallels between the way punk scenes function and how primitive societies operated.

“In both cases, we see small clans ruled over by an individual who has asserted their dominance either by cunning or a show of strength,” explained Conley while handling a Crass buttflap with forceps. “Usually there will be a group of weaker members beneath the chieftain who vie for the patriarch’s attention and contend among themselves in ritualistic competitions. In early societies, these challenges were resolved with violence. In punk scenes, they more often involve bouts where rivals try to outdo one another with their deep knowledge of obscure bands.”

At press time, the Chula Vista scene was reeling as McIntyre announced he would be leaving the area after inheriting his father’s Tallahassee, Florida condo.

Why I Smoke Weed Instead of Drinking and Also in Addition To Drinking

By Jennifer Donovan

Some people relax at the end of the day with a cold beer or a glass of wine, but not me, I prefer to smoke some weed! We all know the harmful effects of alcohol—liver disease, increased risk of cancer, bloating, hangovers—that’s just not for me. I prefer the natural, relaxing, and medicinal effects of marijuana. And then, yeah, sure, sometimes that buzz pairs nicely with a glass or two of merlot or a couple high-octane IPA’s but I’d much rather smoke weed than drink these days.

Ever since I stopped drinking and started using cannabis instead, I’ve really noticed a change in my mental state. I’m so much more chill. I don’t NEED a beer after a day of work. I need to smoke a bowl, and then maybe I WANT a refreshing beer afterward but that’s more, like, an appetizer for the Doritos Flamas tacos I’m making. I’ve gotten really into the culinary arts now that I’ve given up drinking in favor of cannabis.

Another great thing about weed is you can get high any time of day and there’s no social stigma attached to it. Drinking before 5 pm is a problem but wake-and-bake is a lifestyle. Smoke some weed before brunch. Get a couple of mimosas (those don’t count) or bloody Marys (basically a salad) and get down on some French toast!

The great thing about weed is it actually helps me focus where alcohol would just make me super unproductive. I like to smoke a joint and enjoy nature or do something creative like write poetry or paint. Sometimes I’ll walk to that pub on the corner and grab a drink while I doodle on a soggy napkin and look for faces in the patterns of grain of the wood barstools. It’s really a much more cerebral experience than drinking alcohol.

Ok, so every once in a while I get a bit TOO stoned and start to freak out a little. But it’s not like getting too drunk because when you’re too stoned you can just have a drink to knock the edge off the anxiety and it kinda brings you back to ground level.

So yeah, I basically don’t drink anymore. Except for after I smoke. Which I do every day.

Hike Put On Hold After Cool Stick Found

By Charles Bill

PORTLAND, Ore. — A local couple’s hike was put on hold after a really neat stick was found on the trail, blown away sources confirmed.

“Man this stick rules,” said chemical engineer and small branch enthusiast Greg Ware. “It was perfectly straight, no bumps or knots on it. It was about five feet tall, so it was perfect as a walking stick. I started spinning it around my head, pretending it was a sword. When my girlfriend Jenna told me to put it down so we could keep moving, I couldn’t hear her because I was too busy making lightsaber whooshing sounds and cutting down invisible stormtroopers. Sadly, while I was hitting it against a tree to get rid of the bark on it, the all-time great stick broke. Jenna didn’t understand why I had to take 15 minutes to mourn its loss.”

Although the stick provided Ware with a pleasant distraction, it was a source of great confusion for his girlfriend.

“This dipshit is always looking for sticks and I don’t get it,” said exasperated computer scientist Jenna Melman. “We were doing this long, exhausting hike, and it’s hot as hell. Greg just stops like he’s hit with a bolt of lightning and points at something in the distance before running off the trail to collect it. He was obsessed over it, he even called over guys who were hiking the other way, and they would take a full minute to gush over how cool the stick was. I shared a lot of annoyed looks with their girlfriends. It’s just a dead part of nature. Who cares? He kept talking about how he wanted to tie his pocket knife to the end in case a bear attacked us. Ugh.”

The desire for cool twigs and stems seems to be innate within men since time immemorial.

“For most of human history, survival was predicated on finding cool sticks,” explained evolutionary biologist Dr. Sandra Ryfield. “Ancient cavemen who found a good one were able to hunt with it. That hunting allowed them to find a mate and pass down their cool-stick-finding genes. The more cool sticks someone had, the greater their wealth was. Nowadays we don’t have such a need for sticks, but it is deeply ingrained in the human psyche to search for them. Also check out this one I found, it’s like a fuckin’ wizard’s staff.”

At press time, the hike was paused once again following the discovery of a really freaky bug.

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Brennan Lee Mulligan’s Entire Life Revealed to Be Elaborate “Game Changer” Bit

BY Hard Drive Staff

LOS ANGELES — Comedian Brennan Lee Mulligan’s entire upbringing and career were recently revealed to be part of one of Sam Reich’s trademark tricks for Dropout’s “Game Changer” show.

“Honestly, we chose him entirely at random,” said Reich. “We’re really lucky that he turned out to be an incredible comedian and performer. My father’s status from serving at the Federal Trade Commision in Carter’s administration allowed me several remarkable opportunities, one of which was to pick an infant to build an entire brand around when I was only four years old. When ‘The Truman Show’ came out in ‘98, I was worried that our thunder had been stolen. It’s very fortunate that he started playing Dungeons & Dragons and gave us a different angle.”

Mulligan noted that he was surprised—but not shocked—by the revelation.

“This is the kind of prank that could only happen under the oppressive paradigm of capitalism,” said Mulligan, staring directly at the camera as he leaned over a podium. “And you may think it’s just me, but these systems control all of us. Do you think that you are in charge of your own life? Friend, you are no different than me. A world where Elon Musk controls the majority of human discourse is not a world in which we are free to make our own decisions.”

Actress, playwright, and Mulligan’s mother Elaine Lee commented on her participation in the bit.

“Of course it was a difficult decision, but I saw Sam’s vision,” said Lee. “It was more than just embarrassing my son and making him question his sanity; it was the foundation of an entire media franchise. Besides, it’s not like I had any choice in the matter. Sam was present at Brennan’s birth, ready to scoop him up. He’s been here the whole time.”

At press time, Reich noted that he had an even bigger secret to reveal. Several witnesses reported that reality itself seemed to glitch when shortly after the announcement.

Suicide Squad Kills the QA Department

BY Matt Fresh

LONDON — Tragedy has struck Rocksteady Studios after half of their QA department were killed by the Suicide Squad under orders from WB higher ups.

“We know that it’s not the outcome anyone wanted but it’s what had to be done,” said WB spokesperson Janet Beasly. “This decision wasn’t made lightly. It’s never easy to have to send in the Suicide Squad to kill employees but it is our duty to protect the best interest of the shareholders. If that means a few slaughtered workers then so be it. If they had wanted to live they would have made sure their game met our outrageously unrealistic expectations. They knew the risks.”

Rocksteady studio head Marcus Bernard gave his own statement on the development, claiming to be shocked by the event.

“This is never what you want for your studio. We were proud of the game we made, we followed every directive that WB gave to us even when we disagreed or felt like we should be working on something else but we think that we did the best job we possibly could given the circumstances. Unfortunately that wasn’t good enough and WB told us that drastic measures must be taken to rectify their losses. They demanded we choose a department to gut. Literally. It’s never an easy decision but if anyone was going to get killed by the Suicide Squad over this it had to be the QA department. It sure as hell wasn’t going to be, none of this is my fault, I’m just in charge. Had to be them, easily replaced.”

WB CEO David Zaslav weighed in on the decision to send in the Suicide Squad.

“At the end of the day I run a business. We make content and when that content doesn’t make enough money for me or the shareholders then you have to do something. You can’t just let something be a financial loss. Frankly I blame myself because I should have canceled that game for a tax write-off before it was ever released but I didn’t even know we made video games until last week when the numbers came in. As CEO of this company it’s my duty as the one in charge of everything to send the Suicide Squad to kill whoever is responsible for this company not performing well.”

At press time, David Zaslav is reportedly planning on implanting all WB employees with bombs in their head in the event his decision making leads to them making another flop.