Hard Digest September 1: Early Access Mercyful Fate, Jobs, Arms Dealers, and More

Guy Wearing Mercyful Fate Shirt Inside 200-Year-Old Church Kind of Disappointed He Didn’t Burst into Flames Upon Entering

By Chris Bowen 

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local heavy metal fan Eric Tullman was saddened that the Mercyful Fate shirt he was wearing while making an emergency restroom stop in a historic church didn’t cause him to combust when he entered, several sources report.

“After mixing a full portion of Rochester New York’s gourmet dining staple known as a ‘garbage plate’ and my horrible, hyperactive Irritable Bowel Syndrome, I needed a bathroom, fast. Unfortunately, the nearest building to me at the time was this super old church,” Tillman explained, adding he noticed a wedding procession taking place inside. “I thought, ‘I have to really take a shit, but I don’t want to explode because of my shirt…but then again, how cool of a story would it be to crash a wedding with Mercyful Fate-induced human fireball?’ So I ran into the church and though I didn’t burst into flames, I did end up crapping my pants and was kicked out immediately. Better luck next time, I guess!”

According to King Diamond, there is a long story behind why people in situations similar to Tullman’s don’t end up as ash piles.

“When Mercyful Fate became more and more established, people wearing our shirts in churches were set ablaze left-and-right. As evil and badass as this was, I knew that this couldn’t go on forever, so I struck a deal with God,” Mr. Diamond stated. “He and I agreed that if he stopped making my fans explode, I promised to not release any new music, and in turn stop spreading the word of our lord Lucifer for a minimum of a decade at a time. Sure it’s not very metal, but the safety of my fans is #1 priority.”

Music historian Richard Green claims shirts from bands across many genres have caused unusual phenomena.

“Aside from the obvious being a catalyst for potential insults, a lot of bands underestimate the power their t-shirts wield,” Green explained. “Sometimes a simple band shirt can bestow unimaginable abilities on whoever is wearing it. As a matter of fact, one kid in the late 1990s became instantly proficient in both skateboarding and bowling simply by wearing a Goldfinger shirt. I’d say that’s a pretty decent reward for taking a gamble on being seen in public wearing a ska band’s merch.”

At press time, Tullman became disappointed even further when the Mortician t-shirt he wore to a local horror convention didn’t give him any additional film knowledge in his attempt to impress actor Robert Englund.

Opinion: If Your Entry Level Job Posting Requires 5+ Years of Experience, I’m Going To Enter Your Home, Fuck Your Wife, and Take Your Dog

By Livy Berry

Alright, I’ve been looking for jobs for way too long. I have a Bachelor’s degree in computer science, it should not be this hard. I know what I’m doing, and I’m prepared to enter this company at the absolute bottom. But I swear to god, if your entry-level job posting requires 5+ years of experience, I’m going to lose my shit.

Since when is a Bachelor’s degree not enough for an ENTRY level job? College is such a scam. Five years or more? Who the fuck do you think is gonna take this $20 an hour ass job if they’ve already been doing it for five years? This level of gatekeeping is unreal.

Oh, what’s that you say? You just wanted to make sure you get the best person for the job? How do you think you’re gonna feel when your wife makes a similar assessment? That’s right Phil, this week while you’re at your ‘super important job,’ I will be entering your home, making sweet love to your wife, and taking your precious little chocolate lab home with me.

You’ve made yourself quite Googleable, Phillip. Yeah, I know your name. I know your wife’s name too, my friend, but by the end of this week, she will know mine quite well. We’re already friends on Instagram, and she is just itching for me to come over.

I hope while you’re busy feeling like a big man at your staffing company, whatever the fuck that means, you’re thinking about your lovely Laura at home sharing your bed with an unemployed 24-year-old who’s never had a non-customer service job in her life. Your wife is gonna like it better with me, Phil. Your dog will respond to my call faster than he ever did yours. I will claim everything you hold dear in the safety of your own home. Don’t test me, Phil, I’ve got bacon in my pocket, no job, and I’m ready to dominate your household.

Don’t even try to justify yourself, it’s too late. I may not be as experienced as your company “needs,” but I will become the man of your house by Tuesday. How’s that for efficient project completion skills? And just as quickly as I enter, little Roscoe and I will be gone.

Oh, and by the way, along with your dog, I will also be stealing any treasured family items you have on my way out. Laura will tell me where they are. They will now be passed down through my family, Phil. You piece of shit, Phil.

Arms Dealer Makes Everyone Hang Out With Him Before They Buy Weapons

By Travis Tack 

TOLLAND, Mass. — Local arms dealer Alex Corman made a reputation for himself by forcing his clients to hang out with him before they purchase any deadly weapons, confirmed sources who were in a hurry to leave.

“My clients range from governments, revolutionaries, private security firms, and guys who want to defend their studio apartments from danger — and I make them all hang out in my living room so I can have someone to talk to. Being an arms dealer can be quite lonely,” Corman explained. “It’s a simple system: If you want high-quality, reliable weaponry, you need to sit on my couch and watch me play Xbox for two to three hours. And, frankly, I think it’s working because, when those people finally leave my house? I’ve never seen anyone look happier.”

But while the practice has earned Corman quite the reputation, not everyone finds it entertaining.

“I don’t have time for this. I just want to buy a bunch of semiautomatic rifles so we can arm a South American militant group and stage a coup, but this guy won’t stop talking about how lizards smell by using their tongues to capture air particles. Sure, it’s a fun fact, but at what cost?” bemoaned an anonymous guerilla fighter. “I’ve started making up emergencies so I can get out of there quicker. Last week, I told him my grandmother was in the hospital. I shouldn’t have to do that. No one should be held hostage like that just because they need anti-tank weapons.”

In fact, Corman’s practices are so controversial, that it’s become a topic of discussion among federal law enforcement.

“It’s incredibly boring to monitor. Some people showed up the other week trying to buy uranium and he made them all listen to his new lo-fi trip hop album. It’s unbearable. You can almost hear the terrorists losing the will to live,” said Special Agent Harvey Wiggins of the ATF. “We’ve collected tons of evidence at this point, but no one wants to arrest the guy because they’d have to drive all the way out there and listen to his drawn-out anecdotes.”

At press time, Corman wondered if he should rethink his business model after seeing he had a two-star rating on Yelp and Google.

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Woman Runs Back Into Burning House To Make Sure It Destroys Husband’s Gaming Chair

BY Travis Tack 

EDISON, N.J. — Local homeowner Lindsay Roach was seen sprinting back into her burning house to ensure that the flames consumed her husband’s gaming chair, bystanders confirm.

“I know it’s a risky decision, but we had family over. I had to double check that everyone got out and none of them tried to save the chair,” Mrs. Roach told officials. “Nothing is more important to me than saving my family from that chair. It doesn’t match anything and it’s falling apart. Plus, it’s weird. I mean—people come over and they see the chair and they say ‘I didn’t know you had kids’ and then I have to pretend we have kids. I don’t want to live like that.”

First Responders on the scene were very critical of Roach’s decision to re-enter the house. 

 “Listen – you should never run into a burning building or buy a gaming chair. It’s not worth throwing your life away like that,” explained Lieutenant Alan Bradshaw. “We have a saying in the fire service: Risk a lot to save a lot, risk little to save little, and risk nothing for a gaming chair because they’re ugly as hell.”

The Lieutenant went on to explain that Mrs. Roach didn’t have to worry, because those chairs are all made of cheap foam and polyurethane and will melt almost immediately.“You could smell that chair burning from two doors down,” complained one of the Roach’s neighbors. “It smelled almost as bad as it did before it caught fire…Personally, I never understood gamers. Why couldn’t the guy have a normal hobby, like ‘Magic: The Gathering’? You don’t need any special chairs for ‘Magic: The Gathering’, all you need is a deck of spells, a dash of luck and a lonely childhood.”

At the time of publication, Mrs. Roach was busy trying to throw her husband’s funko pop collection back into the burning house. Her husband could not be reached for comment because he was weeping uncontrollably.