thehardtimes

Hard Digest August 29: Early Access Punk Shows, Billy Joel, Bird Watching, and More

Added 2024-08-30 00:00:03 +0000 UTC

So-Called Punk Show Still Features Organized Ticket Line and Thorough Safety Procedures

ATHENS, Ga. — Beloved local bar and music venue Whiskey Dick McGraw’s is facing backlash from confused and disappointed punks due to the apparently above-standard safety precautions, orderly ticket sales and hygiene standards at a show for folk-punk band “Sproingus” Wednesday night.

“It was atrocious,” said Sproingus vocalist and “rhythm” guitarist Alex Cromwell. “Vomit everywhere; crying, filthy, unsupervised toddlers; a dude with a head injury screaming about the government–those are all staples of punk shows, and what I expect. And this place had none of them. There were single file ticket lines, security that wasn’t taking part in the mosh pit… I think I even saw someone get carded. I mean you wouldn’t go to a Phish show and then get mad at the people selling nitrous out of balloons. It was disgraceful to the Sproingus name.”

Show-goers such as Athens scene legend Lonny “Long Lankin” Lautrec were all too eager to voice their displeasure.

“I lost my right leg at a Misfits show in ‘83,” said Lautrec, who is best known for a 1987 restraining order filed by the members of REM. “It got torn off by a gang of dudes dressed like they were in ‘Plan 9 From Outer Space’ and then moshed up to the stage. Jerry Only picked it up and started playing it like it was a bass. He even signed it for me. It’s hanging above my fireplace at home. It kills me to think that today’s young punks might not get that same experience. Whiskey Dick’s really dropped the ball.”

For the venue staff, however, the heightened security and orderliness was not meant to ruin anyone’s good time, but simply a response from too many bad experiences.

“We love being a place where Athens punks can come and cut loose,” said bar owner and titular “Dick” Richard McGraw. “But at a certain point, you just have to be mindful. Too many of our shows have ended with some poor janitor having to go into the bathroom with a hose because someone wrote ‘party girls don’t get hurt’ on the bathroom wall in feces. We all want to be punks. But what does that mean? Is the punk rock lifestyle about being nasty and gross and vulgar? No! It’s about following the rules and staying safe. That’s how everybody has a good time.”

At press time, Sproingus was packing their gear into the 2005 Pontiac Aztek with malfunctioning airbags which serves as their tour bus.

I’m the Guy Who Billy Joel Saw Fuck His Tonic & Gin, AMA!

By Tim Sheard

It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday, which is the time of the week I get particularly randy. My name is Bob Powell, and I have the esteemed pleasure of being immortalized in Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” as the guy making love to his tonic & gin. The readers of The Hard Times have submitted many questions, so let’s get right to them.

Q: Why did you call it a “tonic & gin” instead of a “gin & tonic”?

A: This was in the phase of my life when I was trying to coin new ways to say common phrases. For example, I referred to a ham & cheese sandwich as a “cheese ham and sandwich.” None of these caught on, everyone in my life hated it, and I ended up very alone.

Q: How does one “make love” to a cocktail?

A: Ah, my favorite question. It is actually a very involved process. On that particular night, I was served my cocktail in a particularly wide highball glass. So to get the proper pressure and friction, I had to wrap my firm dong in my ballsack much like a bun wraps a hotdog. You then take this bunned sausage and jam it into the glass while screaming “TONIC AND GIN! TONIC AND GIN!” I do my best to keep time with the rhythm of whatever song is playing but the drink is so cold that all caution quickly goes to the wind. Since a proper gin & tonic has plenty of ice, you only have a few seconds to mash your turgid dong in and out before everything goes south.

Q: Have you received any money for being the inspiration of “Piano Man?”

A: No, we muses fuel art but are abandoned once the art starts making money. Girlies, who can relate? Not only do I not get royalties, Billy Joel has never come back to the club. Most people don’t after they see me pork my drink.

Q: According to the song, you were an old man in 1973. How are you still alive?

A: Perverts like me exist outside of time and place. We do not conform to the limitations of the human body; we have transcended such boundaries. We will always be with you, near you, whenever you need help.

Q: Are you still a Billy Joel fan?

A: Never was. I prefer Ronnie Radke.

Nation’s Bird Watchers Finally Admit It’s Sexual

By Doug Kolic

SIERRA VISTA, Ariz. — The National Association of Bird Lovers (NABL) finally ended years of speculation and admitted that their seemingly wholesome activity was based on nothing more than an uncontrollable sexual attraction to the winged creatures, validated sources reported.

“We know we’ve tried to convince everyone that our leisurely pastime where we spend all weekend creeping in the woods with binoculars is just a nice hobby, but it’s time to fess up and admit it simply gets our rocks off,” said President Todd Cornelius as he hid a sizeable bulge in his pants just talking about the subject. “You really thought our devotion to finding elusive beauties like the Antioquia Brushfinch was merely based on an innocent appreciation of their striking plumage? Think again. We’ve got a fever, and the only antidote is lusting after these featured little sluts.”

Eight-two-year-old Kitty LeFarge, who frequents the same park as many of the birders, shared her lingering suspicions.

“My husband Earl and I–God rest his soul–have been coming here for the past fifty years,” stated LeFarge. “At first, we thought these people were just engaging in a fun activity in the great outdoors by enjoying the fresh air and relaxing with nature. But when we observed them a little closer, we noticed that they’d let out a little moan when they spotted a bird that seemed to suit their fancy, then their hands would disappear into their cargo shorts. They should all be put on a watchlist if you ask me.”

John Dryer, manager of a local hobby store, explained that many popular interests are fronts for sexual deviance.

“These are all for perverts,” Dryer said, pointing to his entire inventory. “Bird watching, butterfly chasing, plant identification and even gardening have all been co-opted by sickos. Basically, any hobby that involves being alone outside is a breeding ground for degenerates. Makes you think twice the next time you see your neighbor tending to his favorite begonia bush, knowing he’ll probably try to bang it. Yeah, I’m talking about you, Mr. Sokowski.”

At press time, the NABL also admitted that the seeds they tempt the birds with are laced with a powerful aphrodisiac.

Top 20 Oasis Songs for Starting a Lifelong Argument with Your Brother

Transformers Ranked by How Likely They’ll Transform Into a Cybertruck

Costco Guys to be Added to Mortal Kombat

BY Matt Fresh

CHICAGO — NetherRealm Studios has officially announced that the next guest characters to be added to Mortal Kombat will be Costco Guys A.J. and Big Justice.

“I’m really excited to announce that we will be adding A.J. and Big Justice to Mortal Kombat 1,” said creative director Ed Boon. “It’s always a pleasure adding guest characters to the franchise that really fit in with the series and let the fans play out their fantasy battles. All of us at NetherRealm are big fans of the Costco Guys and are so excited to be able to work on unleashing the full power of the boom on the Kombat Universe in the upcoming Double Chunk Kaos Kookie dlc pack.”

Big Justice made a TikTok where he commented on him and his son being added to the game, expressing their excitement on becoming video game characters.

“We’re Costco guys so of course we spent hours playing the Arcade1Up Mortal Kombat machine that’s on display. To be added to this historic franchise is an honor. Me and A.J. will be bringing the BOOM to all your favorite fighters and showing them the true power of the DOUBLE CHUNK CHOCOLATE COOKIE. You’re gonna love playing as us and hitting our BOOM fatalities.”

Mortal Kombat fans had mixed reactions to the announcement.

“WHERE IS THE RIZZLER? HOW COULD THEY NOT ALSO ADD THE RIZZLER? ARE THEY STUPID? YOU CAN’T BRING THE BOOM WITHOUT THE RIZZLER,” tweeted Kanoussy.

Boon assured fans that Rizzler would appear as both a Kameo character and as part of both Big Justice and A.J’s fatalities.

“For this pack we really wanted to hone in on perfecting A.J and Big Justice and making Rizzler a fully playable character would have caused us to completely abandon A.J. Instead we’re adding Rizzler as a new Kameo character to use as support. In addition to this he will be part of one of A.J’s fatalities where together they rip their opponents limbs off one by one before performing a double boom splash that completely eviscerates the rest of the body. He also makes an appearance in Big Justice’s Double Chunk fatality where he hands Justice the bucket of double chunk chocolate cookies that he then shoves down his opponent’s throat until they explode.”

At press time, NetherRealm has hinted that Hawk Tuah girl could be the next guest character added.

Sony Assures Fans PS5 Pro Will Also Not Have Any Exclusives

BY Johnny Amizich

SAN MATEO, Calif — In response to leaks regarding the long rumored PlayStation 5 Pro, Sony has issued assurances to fans that this next iteration of the legendary home console will also not have any exclusive games.

Following the reporting from gaming outlets, co-CEO Hermen Hulst posted on X – The Everything App, confirming the existence of the half-step console and boasting about the lack of exclusive titles.

“Yes, we are working on a new Pro model of the PlayStation 5. No, it won’t have any exclusive games,” Hulst wrote. “Nothing is more paramount than making sure anyone buying this new system enjoys the same lack of exclusive software as our base console players. More details will be released soon, but our fans can rest easy that none of those details will include games that take advantage of the upgraded hardware. We think it will be a big hit.”

PlayStation fan account PSWarrior excitedly posted about the confirmation from Sony on the PS5 subreddit.

“Sony just gets it. They know we don’t need games to appreciate all they do for us. Xbots seething right now. Day one buy, no questions asked. LFG XDDDDDDDDD!!!,” PSWarrior wrote. In response to a commenter questioning their excitement, PSWarrior, who is also a mod for r/PS5, quickly fired back and banned the user in question. “GTFO out tourist. Is your head so far up Uncle Phil’s ass you got brain damage from the lack of oxygen, or is it just because you’re another xbox fanboy and it comes naturally to be this stupid?”

The PlayStation corporate account also issued a statement, letting fans know they would soon be able to learn more.

“We are so close to taking the next step in our PS5 journey together,” The account wrote. “Keep an eye out on PlayStation.com where we will be posting a more detailed breakdown of what our fans can expect once the PS5 Pro launches. We can’t wait for you all to see what we won’t have to offer”

At press time the PS5 Pro site was up, but any attempts to open the “Games” page resulted in a 404 error.