Hard Digest August 28: Early Access The Smashing Pumpkins, Cool Jazz, Drake, and More

Smashing Pumpkins Fan Furious Smashing Pumpkins Released a Good Album in 2024

By Dan Kozuh

CHICAGO — Longtime fans of The Smashing Pumpkins are reportedly shocked and infuriated that the band’s latest release, “Aghori Mhori Mei,” is actually pretty darn good, enraged sources confirm.

“I had resigned myself to making fun of Billy Corgan for the rest of my life. I mean, as a lifelong fan of the band it’s been my solemn duty to mock him for decades now. I never expected to hear something decent from them again, let alone something that takes me back to the glory days,” Tom Wilkins, 42, lamented, after angrily buying the album on vinyl. “I was ready to tear into this shit on the Smashing Pumpkins subreddit. But then I played ‘Pentagrams’ and ‘Sighommi,’ and I… I like it, like really like it. And my god, that pisses me off.”

The confusion among fans hasn’t gone unnoticed by frontman Billy Corgan, who, in a rare moment of self-awareness, issued a formal apology to his supporters.

“I’m truly sorry for this album. I really don’t know what came over me. I know you’ve come to expect a certain level of mediocrity from our work, and I’ve let you down,” Corgan stated during a press conference. “From here on out, I’ll stick to what I do best: wrestling, and maybe releasing a double album of ambient noise. Rest assured, our next project will be so banal and inscrutable, even I won’t understand it. I’ve learned my lesson and it won’t happen again.”

University of Chicago Music Historian Dr. Alice DeLuca weighed in on this type of emotional reaction from fans.

“Historically, bands that achieve massive success in their early years tend to decline steeply, and their newer music is, at best, ignored by their fanbase and, at worst, lambasted by them,” Dr. DeLuca explained. “The fact that Smashing Pumpkins managed to pull off a solid album in 2024 is unsettling for many. It disrupts the natural order, where we expect nothing but mediocrity and nostalgia-fueled disappointment from aging rock stars.”

To restore balance to the universe, Corgan quickly announced his latest project: a spoken-word album of improvised poetry set to the sound of trains passing in the distance.

I Was Legally Dead for Five Minutes and All I Saw Was a Little Man Dancing To Cool Jazz in a Weird Red Room

By Jay Leon Felder 

A month ago today, I was hit by a minivan in a Golden Corral parking lot. A tunnel of white light enveloped me with a warm puppy-like comfort. I didn’t plan to die that day, but I respect God’s plan for me. The light grew brighter and warmer before it shattered like one of those dang hippie lava lamps and I felt my body become solid again.

I opened my eyes and found myself in a room. Now this wasn’t just any room; red curtains surrounded the premises, three leather easy chairs, a few lamps, and a naked statue of the homeliest woman I ever saw. This was heaven?

I sat on one of the easy chairs and waited for what couldn’t have been more than a few seconds, but it felt like several years. I heard the footsteps of what sounded like a child, but in danced this tiny man.

“Excuse me, sir, where’s Saint Peter?” I asked.

He smiled and in the oddest backward voice said, “I am the arm of Saint Peter. He had the strangest voice, like he was speaking backward but I understood him?

He snapped his finger and some gosh darn beatnik jazz music played.

“Let’s rock.” He snapped again and I lost control over my body. Please don’t tell my wife, but I danced with this strange little man. Was this what death is? I wasn’t sure until we sat back down and he said, “Hold out your hands”.

“Garbonzia”, he said. Then, a creamed corn-like sludge fell from above into my hands and he ate it out of my hands like a goat in a petting zoo.

Things got a bit spooky when a gaunt, stringy man with long, grey hair crawled from underneath the curtain and leaped onto me. He screamed and nibbled on my ear with a little too much pressure.

Again, please don’t tell my wife about this, she’ll insist I go to therapy again.

I thought it couldn’t get any worse, but then a giant kraut the height of two Larry Birds rubbed my shoulder and told me, “See you again in twenty-five years.”

I woke up in the ICU and learned I was legally dead for five minutes. For years, when anyone asked about my near-death experience, I just told them about the warm white light; I couldn’t bear to ruin folks’ preconceived notions about hell.

Drake Pretty Sure He Has an In at Trader Joe’s Until He Can Get Back on His Feet

By John Danek 

LOS ANGELES — Alleged pedophile and formerly popular rapper Drake hopes a friend can get him hired at Trader Joe’s until the fallout of his highly publicized beef with Kendrick Lamar blows over, report the last remaining sources from within the Drake camp.

“People are gonna forget about this whole thing by winter, it’s no big deal. I figure I can just pick up a few shifts and get health insurance until I release my next album,” said Drake, who has been rumored to have asked Vanilla Ice for a feature or two. “I got a friend from back in my Degrassi era who works there and it looks pretty fun according to his Insta. I’m sure he’ll text me back any day now and I’ll shoot over a resume, which is just a photo of my awards. Oh, man. Should I change that and make a real one?”

An employee at a Los Angeles Trader Joe’s offered advice on aspiring actors and musicians who attempt to bolster their financial situation until they “make it.”

“I’ve seen it a million times–some hotshot comes in and thinks they are just gonna work for the summer until they get a record deal. Then suddenly four years pass before the blink of an eye,” recounted Renee Kaine, longtime manager of the Sunset Strip Trader Joe’s and its in-house polycule. “I don’t know who this Drake guy is, but I hope he’s ready to stock some shelves. I put my employees to work! And I swear if he tries to get any customers to check out his SoundCloud, his ass is kicked to the curb.”

Fellow rappers expressed sympathy and consolation for Drake’s difficult situation.

“I let him sleep on my couch for two nights, but he thought it was turning into a long-term thing so I had to kick him the fuck out,” said Future, who is suing Drake for being the weak link on their collaboration “What a Time to Be Alive.” “I took pity on him at first, but at a certain point you gotta take a long look in the mirror, take an unsafe dosage of percocet, and turn things around yourself. Jumpman, jumpman, jumpman, get a job or something.”

At press time, reports indicate that someone strongly resembling Drake was seen passing out CD-R mixtapes near the Santa Monica pier.

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David Zaslav Issues Internal Memo Calling for More Ritual Sacrifices

BY Johnny Amizich 

NEW YORK — An internal memo from Warner Bros. CEO David Zaslav urging his underlings to bring him more ritual sacrifices has been leaked to the press.

Company spokesperson Bridget Smith came out in defense of the memo in a statement.

“Look, at the end of the day Warner Bros. is not in the entertainment business, we’re in the stock price manipulation business,” Smith said. “And nothing tells our shareholders we care more about their investment in Warner Bros. than buybacks and the occasional ritualistic sacrifice of some of our more valuable properties. It’s simple economics.”

Several longtime Warner Bros. employees, speaking under anonymity, released their own statements in reaction to the leaked memo.

“I say, I say boy, it’s downright tragic what that carpetbagger has done to this one great institution,” Wrote one of them. “That Zaslav is about as sharp as a bowling ball.”

“Eh that Zaslav, what a maroon!” Wrote another. “Forget rabbit season, when’s CEO season?”

“Meep!” Was all one said, but written in a very angry font.

“David Zaslav should be rotting in a cell in Arkham alongside The Joker, not sitting in a corner office. Unfortunately for him vengeance has no jurisdiction.” The final anonymous statement read.

David Zaslav himself spoke on the matter, assuring both investors and fans of Warner Bros. properties everything was fine.

“There’s a lot of hay being made out of an internal document that was leaked to the press, but my mission as CEO has only ever been to provide maximum value to both our customers and our shareholders,” Zaslav said. “If fulfilling that duty involves bathing in the blood and viscera of some of our properties to bump the stock price it’s my duty as Chief Executive to do so.”

At press time, a barrel of “The Dip” was seen being wheeled into Zaslav’s office followed by a muffled cry of “Th-th-that’s all, folks!” and a blood-curdling scream.

Hollow Knight Executed During Nintendo Direct

BY Matt Fresh 

The gaming world is reeling after Hollow Knight was executed live during yesterday’s Direct by Shigeru Miyamoto

The Direct was a double feature with an Indie World and Partner Showcase back to back and gamers everywhere had hoped that meant they would get news on Silksong.

“I know there’s someone you’re all eager to hear from,” said Miyamoto right before he welcomed the Knight to the void where they shoot the Directs. “We know many of you are tuning in specifically for this guy and so I thought it appropriate to start off by personally presenting the future of Hollow Knight.”

It was at this moment that Miyamoto brandished a replica Master Sword and lobbed off the Knight’s head in a single swift motion that could only be done by a master of Wii Motion Plus.

“We hope you enjoy all the games our partners have to show you” a blood drenched Miyamoto said with a smile as he held up Hollow Knight’s severed head.

The Direct then continued on for 40 minutes of indie and third party game announcements as the feed of Miyamoto hoisting the Knight’s decapitated head like a trophy remained in the corner.

Gamers have been left so traumatized by the display that many of them are in denial.

“What happened at that Direct was disgusting and abhorrent but I’m sure the rumored Sony State of Play in September will give us the Silksong announcement and then everything will be okay. This execution was just a little bump in the road,” wrote Twitter user WhereSilksong whose tweet got 20k likes.

When asked why he did it, Miyamoto answered frankly.

“The truth is that Hollow Knight has been locked in a cell for quite some time, because he’s more valuable to us as a prisoner who never gets a sequel. People’s misplaced hope drives viewership but at a certain point the fanbase gets annoying and you have to give them a reality check. I honestly enjoyed it. Slicing through his little tiny neck and being soaked by the rain of blood that squirted out was exhilarating. I can’t wait to do it to Captain Falcon next.”

At press time, gamers have reportedly been spotted around the world praying in front of advertisement billboards in the hopes Geoff Keighley can revive Hollow Knight in time for The Game Awards.