thehardtimes

Hard Digest August 27: Oasis, Burning Man, Stop & Shop, Plus Early Access Posts

Added 2024-08-28 00:00:05 +0000 UTC

Negotiator Who Got Oasis Back Together Now Tasked With Much Easier Job of Convincing Israel to Agree to A Ceasefire

LONDON – Negotiator Peter Franks decided to take on the much easier job of finally getting Israel to agree to a ceasefire with Hamas after successfully negotiating a reunion of brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher for an Oasis reunion tour.

“The feud between the Gallaghers may have only lasted the last 15 years but it’s felt like 1,000 years with the way they were speaking about each other,” said Franks. “I’m not saying I’m a miracle worker but I figured we’d sooner see Jimi Hendrix play a live concert in the Tower of London before we’d get to see an Oasis reunion. We had to put Noel and Liam into separate shark tanks so they wouldn’t bite each other’s throats out when we brought them in to determine the details of the new concert series. After you’ve dealt with this kind of hatred it makes solving the problems in the Middle East seem like a breeze.”

Liam Gallagher seemed to be unsure if this truce with his brother was going to last.

“The reality of course is that I did nothing wrong and that us breaking up is all Noel’s fault,” said a red-faced Liam clearly trying to contain his emotions. “And of course, any suggestion that I bear any blame for this is based on false reports about our history. But I have come to realize now that our problems aren’t intractable, however, if Noel for one-second looks at me the wrong way then I will detonate the dynamite I have strapped to my chest and blow up this whole reunion with the force of a thousand champagne supernovas. Body parts and blood will be splattered all along the wonderwalls. And look I’m willing to not look back in anger this time, but I will look forward in anger if Noel does anything to fuck this up again.”

Secretary of State, guitar player, and avid Oasis fan Antony Blinken was more than happy to put aside his responsibilities for a week.

“It’s really great that Mr. Franks wants to give this whole ceasefire deal a go,” said Secretary Blinken. “Lord knows I haven’t been able to accomplish shit when it comes to getting Israel to stop dropping bombs on hospitals and schools. I guess it’s because I’m an amateur when compared to the guy who got the Gallaghers to stop fighting. This is great because I can use the time I’d normally spend getting ignored by Benjamin Netanyahu to now sit on the Ticketmaster app and hope that I can get tickets to the show.”

At press time, it was reported that Franks was able to successfully get the Koreas to reunite after accidentally butt-dialing Kim Jong Un.

Report: Nearly Half of Burning Man Attendees Don’t Have Enough of Their Parents’ Money Saved to Go This Year

By Ben Friedman

BLACK ROCK CITY, Nev. — A troubling economic report revealed that 48% of this year’s projected Burning Man attendees don’t have enough of their parents’ money saved up to actually go, festival coordinators confirmed.

“After all these years of being so careful with my trust fund, ensuring my parents are replenishing it, and now I have to face the reality of not being able to afford going on a peyote bender at Burning Man. What am I supposed to tell my girlfriend, that we can’t trip balls at the best desert rave in the world because my dad’s tenants are balking at raising their rents?” said River Hanson. “I only get Uber Eats five times a week, how the hell am I almost out of money until 2025? Now I’ll have to fly coach to Electric Daisy Carnival. This economy is hellish.”

Burning Man organizers are increasingly concerned the lack of spoiled trust fund kids will impact their operating budget.

“Last year’s flooding was bad enough, now we have to contend with the possibility that we’ll be showing off art installations and DJ sets to nobody. Our bread and butter is entitled brats who exist solely on their parents’ money who come here to brag about it on TikTok. But thanks to all the recession fears, discretionary spending is down and these teenage adults are opting to just party at their family’s third beach house,” said coordinator Carol Jeffers. “We’d lower ticket prices, but inflation has really driven up the cost of hiring the spiritual gurus. At this rate we’ll be lucky if we can get the Silicon Valley tech bros to show up.”

Other festival promoters said that this will be the new normal unless extreme measures are taken.

“Earlier it was the big concerts canceling, now it’s the rich kid EDM playgrounds that are feeling the heat. It used to be that you could just throw up a tent somewhere in Death Valley and the trust fund babies would naturally show up within minutes thanks to never having worked a day in their lives, now they’re living from brunch to brunch,” said Hank LaSalle. “The only viable thing they can do before mommy and daddy cut them off is to set up a public trust fund or as most people call it, GoFundMe.”

The report also found most potential Burning Man-goers have found the best way to finance the trip was to trick friends into funding their parents’ pump and dump crypto schemes.

Stop & Shop Discontinuing Cigarette Sales Due to Decline in Cool Teenagers

By Ben Friedman

QUINCY, Mass. — Supermarket chain Stop & Shop announced that their stores would no longer sell cigarettes due to poor sales from the vast decline of cool teenagers across the region, the executive board confirmed.

“We’ve been tracking the data for a while, and the numbers don’t lie. The drought of cool teenagers who wear leather jackets and live by their own rules is directly connected to our rapidly declining sales of cigarettes and tobacco products. Therefore, we will be discontinuing sales in the next few days,” said company President Gordon Reid. “There was a time when an effortlessly cool teen could flock to our stores with a flawless fake I.D. to grab a pack of Marlboros and smoke them while leaning against the hood of their I-ROC in the parking lot looking aloof yet affable. But research has shown most would rather be vaping while watching six simultaneous Twitch channels at once. And it’ll be a cold day in hell before we sell any of that bubblegum vape garbage.”

Many teens cited significant changes in their lifestyles leading to cigarettes no longer being necessary.

“Why would I willingly take multiple cigarette breaks a day and give myself lung cancer when I could use that time to be in math club? Last time I checked, smelling like tar was for the olds and there’s no way I’m stinking up my dad’s Honda Odyssey when I go trade Funko Pops on the weekend,” said 14-year-old Matt Frink. “Sorry if I’m ruining some grocery store’s sales, but I’d rather spend my money on a sensible water bottle to reduce my plastic use.”

Anti-smoking organizations admitted they may have gone too far with preventing teens from smoking.

“We just wanted to encourage kids to make healthier choices, and now we have have a generation of dorks who think Mr. Beast is cooler looking than every punk band from the ‘80s combined. The only ones who do use tobacco are fratty douche lords who pop Zyns like candy, and that’s a huge turnoff for most high school-aged kids,” said Truth rep Morgan Jenkins.” Listen kids, we got a whole boatload of nicotine patches you can have until you’re ready for the real shit, just please keep supporting your local chains and loiter outside of them while playing music too loud. The culture depends on it.”

As of press time, Stop & Shop said they would still allow teens to smoke weed and light their recycling bins on fire behind the stores.

Poser Staind Fan Didn’t Even Storm the Capitol on January 6th

By Steve Packosky

ELLICOTT CITY, Md. — Local resident and supposed Staind fan Brandon Vintner wasn’t even present at the attempted coup on the U.S. Capitol on January 6, 2021, disgusted sources confirmed.

“Yeah man, I love Staind but I’m more of a centrist,” the weak-willed poser commented. “I’ve been a fan ever since ‘Dysfunction’ came out in 1999 during my nu-metal phase. A lot of fans dropped off when they released that song ‘It’s Been Awhile,’ but not me. They were actually my first concert when I saw them on their ‘Break the Cycle’ tour and that’s a memory I’ll take with me forever, though it now makes sense that everyone at that show back then wore Bush/Cheney shirts. I know Aaron Lewis has some controversial views, but politics isn’t really my thing. I’m just a huge fan of the music and not storming government buildings in my free time.”

Other Staind enthusiasts have been quick to denounce Vintner’s cavalier approach to his fandom.

“That guy is so full of shit,” scoffed William “Big Bill” Humphrey from Central Maryland Correctional Facility, where he is currently serving five years for trespassing and assault on law enforcement officers. “I was in D.C. with all the other patriots who love Staind as much as they love their country, and when President Trump told us to march to the Capitol and ‘fight like hell,’ we didn’t hesitate to break into the building and smear our own shit all over the walls as we wandered around taking pictures. In fact, declining to storm the Capitol is something some pussy Jimmy Eat World fan probably would’ve done.”

Staind frontman Aaron Lewis was shocked to learn a fan of his hadn’t taken part in the insurrection.

“I refuse to believe one of my supporters didn’t risk his life and the lives of others in the service of a billionaire who is probably the second coming of Jesus, if you really think about it,” the singer stated while changing the strings on his obnoxious Les Paul Stars and Stripes electric guitar. “That’s the entire point of every song I’ve ever written. Take the song ‘Outside’ for instance. It’s clearly about the alienation that comes with getting your news from right-wing media outlets. Everyone just makes fun of you and calls you the weird uncle at Thanksgiving. If you haven’t felt that isolation, you’re not a Staind fan.”

At press time, Vintner was seen listening to Michale Graves-era Misfits, saying he wanted to get into bands with “less controversial singers.”

How To Make a New Friend and Then Instantly Regret It When They Try To Sell You the Socialist Alternative Newspaper

By Colleen Nerney

Making new friends as an adult can be challenging. But fear not, good reader—here are our tried-and-true tips for how to make a brand new friend totally organically, only to be filled with instant and searing regret when you realize they’re trying to sell you the fucking Socialist Alternative newspaper.

Chat up that attractive punk with a Carhartt beanie
Ok, play it cool. You’re at the bar and there’s someone super good-looking but like, in a normal way, not too intimidating. Try to comment on their beanie, or the fact that they have a Cursive’s Domestica shirt on and ignore the potential that they just got divorced.

And honestly, let’s not even bring romance into it! Just talk about some upcoming shows and see if they want to chill sometime. You’re doing great.

Hang out exactly once
Awesome, you’ve got their number and you’re texting like wildfire. It’s time to meet up at some highly overpriced brewery and awkwardly talk about three bands for half an hour.

Realize they’re trying to sell you a fucking newspaper in 2024
Kinda weird but like, they keep asking if you’re free on certain nights of the week to go to “some meetings.” At first, you thought it might be AA or something, no judgment, but now they want to know about your political leanings. And then they’re pulling out a stack of papers from their backpack…

Son of a bitch, they’re trying to sell you the goddamned Socialist Alternative newspaper. This is bad. Skip out on the tab and say you’re too broke to pitch in. Run like hell.

Never speak to them again
This step might be hard, but you can never see this person again. Every single hangout will end with a shill. You might be tempted to text them a diatribe about how selling newspapers in the year of our Lord 2024 is not only a bad business plan but kind of useless activism-wise but hold your tongue. You just have to never go to a trendy bar again and wear a disguise for the several shows you talked about attending together.

Become hyper-capitalist as a result of your trauma
You know, maybe if all today’s socialists have to offer is overpriced printed media, maybe we’re on the wrong side here. Might be time to get into stocks and shit, maybe get one of those 401k things you keep hearing about. No idea what they are but they sound cool!

Singer Really Showing Off That He Knows All the Words

By Jeff Bender

ASBURY PARK, N.J. — Troy Floor, lead singer of the band Surfside, was apparently really showing off that he knew all the words to his songs at the Stone Pony Saturday last night, offended sources reported.

“He’s totally alienating us right now. Look at him hogging the mic—and then shoving it in our faces that he knows ALL the words—and we don’t. It’s like, ‘Hello? What about us? Don’t we matter?’” said Stone Pony first-timer Ricky Karsinky, as the band launched into another song. “Here we go again. We get it, dude. You know the song. You know the little tricky vocal parts. What’d you, go to your own Spotfiy page and memorize this stuff before going on? Sad. I think they should hand out lyric books at the door, like at church, and let people take turns at the mic. Otherwise, they’re just showboating.”

A nonplussed Surfside frontman defended his choice to act as the venue’s lone vocalist for the night.

“Wait, am I missing something here? Didn’t I suffer for these songs? Didn’t I write the lyrics? I went to Julliard. I studied with Josh Groban or rather watched some clips of him on YouTube. I changed my name from Brenner Hethrington to Troy Floor. Shouldn’t I get to sing?” said the frontman between sets. “This goes all the way back to Sappho, man. You write the words, you get to sing the song. You don’t see Harry Connick, Jr. or Michael Bublé letting the crowd get up there and sing. And Surfside is pretty close to Bublé certain nights—depending on the crowd, of course.”

Bublé expressed empathy for Karsinky and concertgoers everywhere who come to a show expecting to participate.

“It’s important sometimes, you know, to let the crowd have a whack. It makes them feel seen, like they didn’t just pay money to watch some guy sing. When I do ‘Jingle Bells,’ for example, I pretend like I’ve forgotten the ‘ha ha ha’ part or the ‘oh!’ part, and I let them have at it,” said the five-time Grammy winner. “I say, ‘Now just the people on the left,’ you know, or ‘Now the people in the back.’ That way it’s not like I’m some know-it-all who’s showing off that he knows how to do the song. You never want to look like you know the songs more than an audience when you’re on stage.”

At press time, Karsinky was seen badgering the merch guy to let him sell some hats.

If You Love Stardew Valley, You’ll Really Enjoy Playing More Stardew Valley

BY Andrew Quemere

Gamers who love Stardew Valley are in for an absolutely incredible treat: They will really enjoy playing more Stardew Valley.

Since Stardew Valley’s 2016 release and rise to popularity, there’s been an explosion in farm life sims and other so-called cozy games. Fans looking for a similar experience now have a seemingly endless number of options — but why bother with any of them when you could just play more Stardew Valley?

You could sift through reviews of countless farming RPGs in search of a new gem, but that would just be wasting time you could spend playing Stardew Valley. Besides, those other games cost money, and you’ve already spent money on multiple copies of Stardew Valley.

Instead of trying a bunch of new games you know can’t possibly be as good as one of the greatest games of all time, why not keep playing a game that you already know is one of the greatest? If you’re looking to recapture the magic of your first 300 hours in Pelican Town, nothing will do it like another 300 hours.

Despite being created by just one person — the brilliant Eric “ConcernedApe” Barone — Stardew Valley has a breathtaking amount of content. Unless you’re the most diehard fan, you haven’t seen everything the game has to offer yet, so your best bet is to keep playing it until you have.

Make it to level 100 in the Skull Cavern. Find all the artifacts for the museum. Find all the Golden Walnuts on Ginger Island. Adopt all the pets. Use the catalogs to decorate your farmhouse. Obtain perfection. Build a dozen Gold Clocks and fill a Big Shed with 137 Statues of Endless Fortune just because you can. Keep divorcing your spouse and marrying one of the game’s other bachelors or bachelorettes until you’ve married and divorced them all. Come on, there has to be something you still haven’t done in Stardew Valley yet.

And if there isn’t, you could always start a new game of Stardew Valley.

You could try one of the other farm layouts, or playing with remixed Community Center bundles, or a co-op game. You could try speedrunning or mods. There simply isn’t any point to playing any other games until you’ve squeezed every last conceivable second of entertainment out of Stardew Valley.

Well, at least until ConcernedApe finally releases his next game, Haunted Chocolatier. Then, all bets are off.