Hard Digest August 25: Early Access NPR, Toilet Paper, Climate Change, and More

Power-Mad NPR Announces Giant Desk Concerts

By Nathan Kamal 

WASHINGTON — National Public Radio, drunk on its own power over hordes of tea-drinking listeners, announced a new series of mandatory-viewing Giant Desk Concerts, according to a press release.

“Listen up, you fucking plebeians,” said wild-eyed NPR Music spokesperson Jessica Hanover while munching grapes from a bunch held above her head by an intern. “The Giant Desk Concerts, which will be held on a desk the size of a football field, are going to make The Eras Tour look like a goddamn child’s puppet show. We’re going to bring in Sturgill Simpson and turn him into a cosmic country cyborg, Esperanza Spalding is going to be shot into space, and Clairo will execute every fifth person in the audience on a jumbotron, just because.”

“Truly, all who witness a Giant Desk Concert shall love it and despair,” added Hanover.

Longtime NPR listener Marissa Torres was conflicted by the popular non-profit video series’ abrupt turn into bacchanalian excess.

“I love the Tiny Desk Concerts,” said Torres. “The way that we get to see Chappell Roan do a gentle acoustic version of ‘Pink Pony Club’ so straights will feel comfortable or how Justin Timberlake performs an indie classic like ‘Pusher Love Girl,’ that’s what it’s all about. I’m just not sure I’m comfortable with my tax-deductible NPR donations going to what was described as a ‘stage that will pierce the very Heavens themselves and affront God on His weak-ass throne.’ That’s not what I thought my $15 was funding.”

Folk singer Laura Gibson, the inaugural performer of the Tiny Desk Concert series, was upset to hear about the upcoming new variation of the NPR staple.

“What the fuck?” said Gibson. “When I did TDC, I had to do it at [former ‘All Songs Considered’ host Bob Boilen’s] actual desk, and they wouldn’t even validate my parking. Charli XCX is apparently going to do an acoustic set with the entire Supreme Court on backing vocals, and all I got was [NPR editor] Stephen Thompson forgetting to take his coffee mug out of the shot. I may be an acclaimed singer-songwriter whose work fuses contemporary Americana, pop stylings, and rock to examine my Oregonian roots, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to chug wine excavated from the Great Pyramid of Giza onstage while the Blue Angels scream over a crowd of 500,000 people. Everyone wants that.”

As of press time, National Public Radio had further announced that ‘All Things Considered’ had been cut due to lack of funding.

7 Items You Can Use Instead of Toilet Paper Because, Fuck It, You Don’t Own This Place

By Jennifer Donovan 

Ruh-roh! Run out of toilet paper and wonder what else you can use? Luckily, you can’t afford to own a toilet let alone the sewer laterals that transport shit from a toilet to the waste treatment facility so what you flush down the pot really isn’t your problem. It’s your landlord’s. And fuck that guy.

Now’s your chance to revel in the freedom that is not owning a home while sticking it to the ruling class by clogging up their pipes in a fun and inventive way. Next time you find yourself reaching for an empty roll of toilet paper try these 7 alternatives for cleaning your behind.

Your ex’s Korn t-shirt
This is really a two birds, one porcelain throne kind of situation. You asked him to pick up his box of stuff many times and the worn-in softness makes it ideal for ass wiping while retaining pipe-clogging properties. Unleash that freak.

Kitty Litter
Do you have a cat? Of course not. Your lease says no pets. But it doesn’t specifically say you can’t flush cat litter down the toilet, now does it? Your landlord deprives you the joy of a fluffy companion. And for that you should shit in a litter box and flush it down his toilet.

Newspaper
Not the most comfortable material to clean your nethers but it does make a political statement. Sports section? Classifieds? Obituaries (weird but, we won’t judge)? Show the world how you really feel with the wipe of an ass.
Non-flushable baby wipes
It’s the luxury choice. Clean, comfortable, and refreshing with the power to build up over time and wreak havoc after you’ve already moved out.

The tube
We’ve all been there. When faced with nothing or the empty toilet roll sometimes you gotta make do with what you’ve got. It might take a couple tries to get it down but keep the faith and keep smashing that toilet flush handle.

Tony Robbins Life Force
Your insufferable roommate won’t stop quoting it and left it right there on the toilet tank. Take charge of your life in a meaningful way. Wipe your ass with Tony.

All 30+ pages of your rental agreement
From limiting overnight guests to forbidding ukuleles on the property your asshole landlord has micromanaged every aspect of your life. He failed, however, to put a clause in there regarding damage to plumbing. So Doordash yourself some Taco Bell, cozy up with your lease, and let ‘er rip.

Good News: Experts Claim Depressed People No Longer Have to Walk Into Ocean, It Will Now Come to Them

By Arielle Andreano

WASHINGTON – Experts at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration recently claimed that depressed people will no longer have to make the lengthy trek to the ocean in order to end it all, pleased sources report.

“You heard that right, all you sad people. The ocean’s going to do your dirty work for you and come straight to your doorstep,” said lead researcher Robert Allen. “Amazon has inspired this change in more ways than one! But emissions aside, this was really because the public has been telling us they need more mental health services. And we, and the relentless march of climate change, listened. We’ve been learning a lot about how one of the main symptoms of depression is lack of motivation, so the thing about the ocean should come as a great relief for millions. They wouldn’t understand hard work, but hopefully they can appreciate it and maybe even thank us before they’re gone.”

Joan Ericson, a severely depressed resident of Kanas, shared her reaction to this groundbreaking report.

“You know I’ve never seen the ocean in my life, all I have a dirty lakes and ponds, and i’ll be damned if I make one of those bogs my eternal resting place. With work, family obligations, and my dog, I’m constantly struggling to fit suicide attempts into my schedule, so to hear that the rising ocean levels are coming my way really makes things easier for me,” said Ericson. “Seriously, I haven’t had such a glimmer of hope in almost a decade. This is going to be bigger than meal prep.”

Climate scientist Katie Saracina went into more depth on this life-changing and incredible discovery.

“I’ve never smiled during an interview before. It’s so rare we get to share good news,” said Saracina. “To be honest, I was confused by the reaction when we released the new sea level report. All my years of studying the effects of sea level rise told me this is catastrophic, but now everyone is talking about what a great thing this is for people who want to check out a bit early. I can see the silver lining, I guess.”

As of press time, experts are working on a report now about a massive meteor that’s likely to wipe out the whole Midwest.

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Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Waiting For Beyoncé To Perform At The DNC

Uh Oh: I Won an Argument with My Boss, but His Theme Is Still Playing

BY Bex Kane 

Conflict with the boss. We’ve all been there, except for the 65% percent of Hard Drive’s readership that our latest polling tells me comprises the unemployed, traveling performance artists, and career criminals. You want to do things one way, your boss wants them done a different way, you get mad, he gets mad, you make a few good points. You think he’s going to admit you’re right, but then he flashes red and shifts away from the actual argument toward veiled threats to fire you, so you cave. I and 35% of the people reading this have been there.

Well, today I didn’t cave! I had been working on this project for six fucking months without any goddamn help from him, and I’ll be damned if I was going to roll over and change the whole thing at the last minute for him. This is my work, and if he wanted more input on how I did it the time for that was any time before now. He wants to fire me? Fine, fire me! Just remember who made that call when the guys upstairs are on your ass because this whole department fell apart!

So he kinda reels back in this weird slow-motion looking way that I had never really soon before, and he sulks back to his office, and I’m thinking, hell yeah, way to stand up for yourself! So I head back to my desk too, and I try to get back to doing my actual work, but something’s bugging me and I can’t quite focus. I can’t really clock what it is at first, but I kinda stop and think, and I realize the music from the argument is still playing! Now that’s never happened to me before, so I don’t really know what’s going on here. I figure I’ll go retrace my steps a bit and see if it goes away.

So when I get back to the spot where we were actually arguing, my boss has the blinds on the little internal windows open, so I can see in pretty well. He’s in there, right, and he’s doing this whole elaborate routine. Like, he’s kind of grabbing his head and thrashing around, and then he puts his hands out at his side and screams. Like holy shit dude, I think you broke the local noise ordinance there, let alone company policy. And he drops to one knee and starts pulling something out from under his desk, and I can’t see what it is at first, but then he stands up straight and he’s holding this giant fuck-off sword!

So naturally, I punch the fire alarm and run off screaming, and that’s why I need you to pick me up. Also, shit, I am so sorry about this, but do you think you can swing paying my bail? I swear to god I’ll pay you back soon, I just finished this big project at work and I’m supposed to be getting a solid bonus out of it.