Hard Digest August 25: Early Access Maynard James Keenan, Political Discourse, Partying, Deadpool, and More

Maynard James Keenan’s Winery Not Sure What to Do With Pallets of Unsold “Stinkfist Chardonnay”

By Matt Husser 

JEROME, Ariz. — Workers at Maynard James Keenan’s Caduceus Cellars were reportedly debating what to do with pallets of unsold “Stinkfist Chardonnay” after the Tool frontman’s wine failed to meet sales goals for mysterious reasons, sources who much prefer Snoop Dogg’s wine confirmed.

“This is just great, we finally got rid of all the RosÆnema that no one wanted, and now we’re stuck with thousands of bottles of this horrifically named product taking up space in the cellar. I just hope we can get all this wine sold before the ‘Hooker With a Pinot’ release next month,” said winery manager Casey Dowers, looking over the disturbing images on the wine label. “We’ve tried doing tasting events, giveaways—we even tried a buy one get one special but our customers don’t seem very excited about a ‘double-fist our wine’ promo.”

First-time customer Dan Walsh was reportedly put off not only by the provocative wine name, but some of the other branding choices as well.

“I love Tool and I’ve heard great things about the winery but there’s just something about this wine that makes me feel deeply uncomfortable. I mean look at this label, it says ‘get knuckle deep inside the bouquet of this complex chardonnay with notes of buttery milk chocolate and shame,’” said Walsh, making a face as he swallowed a mouthful. “I can appreciate this wine on an artistic level, but it’s not the kind of wine I want to drink on the patio when entertaining new neighbors, you know? Feels like the kinda wine you drink alone in the dark in your underwear at 3 a.m. when you just want to feel something.”

While the consumer reviews were mixed at best, wine critic Ken Pritchard was raving about the “complex, foreboding” wine.

“Behind the provocative name and upsetting label actually lies a daring wine that provides a challenging, sophisticated drinking experience. Its many tasting note changes won’t be for everyone, but true connoisseurs will be delighted to learn more each time they revisit this bottle,” said Pritchard, sipping the wine out of a custom glass. “This wine is actually a brilliant commentary on the nature of celebrity and desensitization, but I suspect people who’ve had their taste buds burned off by mainstream booze like Dave Matthews’ wine or Sammy Hagar’s ‘mezquilla’ monstrosity might not have the capacity to appreciate the complexity churning beneath the surface of the ‘Stinkfist Chardonnay.’”

At press time, Maynard James Keenan was reportedly last seen driving a tractor around his winery while yelling “whee!”

Help! We Turned the Political Discourse Way Down but Now We Can Hear Our Neighbor Learning to Play Guitar

By Doug Kolic | August 25, 2024

The political divide in this country has never been more extreme. Americans have been siloed into two opposing groups with no seemingly little hope to ever bridge that gap. Our family, like many others, have spent the last few years at each other’s throats while debating every aspect of domestic politics. For our own sanity, we made a conscious decision to collectively ban its discussion inside our sacred home as it was destroying the fabric of our lives. But the disadvantage of turning down that discourse is our house is so quiet we can hear our lame neighbor Glen attempting to play guitar and it makes me want to jam a fork into my ear drums.

There’s only one thing more frightening than reading about the possibility that voting for one political party will lead us into World War III, while voting for the other will usher in an elected dictator who’ll strip us of our rights, and that’s Glen trying to play “Smoke on the Water” for the millionth time. Like dude, music isn’t for everyone, please stop. We beg you. At least with total nuclear annihilation, we can hope for a quick death which is more than we can say having to listen to Glen.

Our kids finally convinced us to stop obsessing over party politics because they claimed we spent more time fighting than “taking care of their essential needs.” If that’s what they want, fine—but now I guess we’ll just have to spend each night silently sitting around the dinner table with nothing to say to each other, while being forced to listen to Fuckface next door, absolutely murdering his Gibson.

As we approach what many experts are saying will be the most important election of our lifetime, it’s important to filter out the voices who are hellbent on dividing us as a nation and try to unify, otherwise everything we hold dear may crumble and disappear.

But hey, if our worst fears are realized and 2024 becomes known as the year fascism finally takes hold in this country, maybe they’ll outlaw supposed artists like Glen and send him to a re-education camp in North Dakota, which might be a reasonable concession to never having to hear to his so-called power chords again.

Person Horribly Embarrassed at How Drunk and Fun They Were Last Night

By Charles Bill 

TOPEKA, Kan. – Local boring millennial Harley Shun admitted that he is horribly embarrassed by his drunken antics which made him enjoyable to be around for the first time in nearly 15 years, hungover sources report.

“Oh man, I crushed so many drinks and had such a great time last night, it was so mortifying,” said the ashamed party animal. “I have almost no memory of what happened. I showed up to the party and ripped four shots and everybody thought I was a great hang. It hurts to even think about how cool I was last night. Then apparently I downed a boot of beer and did The Humpyu Dance on the table like a total badass while everyone chanted my name. I’m cringing right now thinking about how each person at that party now thinks of me as that drunk idiot who rules and parties hard. I promise that isn’t me!”

An attendant of the party attested to how wildly crunk and disorderly Shun was.

“Harley was raging like an absolute maniac,” explained Shun’s ride and friend Freddie Priat. “Normally Harley is a total square, you can ask them any Excel hotkey and they know it off the top of their head. But last night. Wow. It was a virtuoso party performance. At one point he was smoking 15 cigarettes because people kept handing him more, and it was a hit. I hope I always remain the same boring asshole so I don’t end up beloved and cool like Harley is. The moment where they jumped over the beer pong table to block a shot, and everyone hoisted them up on their shoulders, so unlike them. I think Harley has a serious problem with being awesome.”

Leading experts on partying subcultures say that this is not only embarrassing, but dangerous.

“There’s a lot of risks from binge-drinking and becoming the life of the party,” said NYU sociologist David Smith. “Drinking four or more drinks an hour can lead to liver disease, brain damage, and absolutely crushing pussy or smashing wang. Studies also have shown that drinking to the point of insensibility, also known as ‘blacking out,’ might result in making lifelong friends that you have to awkwardly call every few months. They’ll say you’re an absolute legend, but you’ll have to explain that you actually kind of suck when you’re not twelve brewskis deep.”

At press time, Shun was going out to a party and promising themselves they would only smoke weed and become a competent conversationalist.

You Couldn’t Make ‘Deadpool & Wolverine’ in Today’s Woke Culture

By Dan Kozuh

In a world where everyone claims to be triggered and everyone is offended by something, it’s clear that the glorious, unfiltered masterpiece that the 2024 film ‘Deadpool & Wolverine’ could never survive the fragile sensibilities of today’s “woke” culture. This cinematic tour de force, where two antiheroes carve up baddies while exchanging black-humored quips sharper than their weapons, would undoubtedly face the wrath of a hyper-sensitive public, leading to a box office flop and all those involved to be canceled.

There is no ‘safe space’ when it comes to Deadpool’s humor – something today’s snowflakes couldn’t handle. The Merc with a Mouth is known for his no-holds-barred approach to comedy, much of which would be immediately flagged as problematic by the internet. Deadpool doesn’t care about your feelings when it comes to his humor; profanity-laced dialogue, gay jokes, promoting drug use, and taking aim at the disabled. Audiences would riot and demand a more “empathetic” Deadpool. No studio would be willing to even take a chance on such an offensive movie like this anymore, except maybe NEON or A24.

And then there’s Wolverine. The gritty, cigar-chomping mutant with claws to match his gruff demeanor. His very existence is an affront to modern sensibilities. Once the epitome of rugged, take-no-prisoners masculinity, Wolverine embodies a now-endangered species… the alpha male. A man with a past so tortured, he’s become the poster child for toxic masculinity. Today’s culture warriors would argue that Logan needs to put down the claws and pick up a glass of soy milk on his way to yoga. Or perhaps he could channel his rage into a community garden, because heaven forbid he actually confronts his problems by slicing through them.

Remember that scene where Deadpool fights Wolverine in the minivan? That would be nixed immediately. The violence, they’d say, is glorified. The bloodshed, excessive. Not to mention the weird undertone that I can’t quite put my finger on but made me feel both titillated and confused. Today’s woke filmmakers would insist on a heartfelt conversation instead. Maybe a seminar on conflict resolution, where Deadpool and Wolverine could talk out their differences over a cup of fair-trade coffee.

In this brave new world, there’s no room for the likes of Deadpool and Wolverine—unless, of course, they’re willing to trade in their bravado for a subscription to a meditation app. This film represents a bygone era where shock and irreverence were celebrated, not censored. A time when heroes could be flawed and unfiltered without having to attend a sensitivity workshop. But alas, in today’s cinematic climate, such a film would never make it past the MPAA, let alone the millennial Tweetstorm.

So, ‘Deadpool & Wolverine’ will have to be kept safe in the vault with other classics like “Blazing Saddles,” “Airplane!,” and “Song of the South.” Here’s to the good old days, when sarcasm reigned supreme, people had thicker skin, and the only thing getting canceled was the villain’s plan for world domination.

Sixth Night at Freddy’s Pretty Uneventful

BY Peter Cunis

ELK GROVE, CA — Jerry Patinski, a newly hired security guard at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza in downtown Elk Grove, reported that after a stressful first five days on the night shift, “not much happened” on the sixth night. 

“I started on a Monday, and hoo boy, Monday through Friday were filled with spooky happenin’s, let me tell you,” stated Patinski in an interview with Best of Elk Grove, a local daytime show that promotes local businesses, “Saturday, though? Pretty much a breeze. I barely had to look at them cameras. I actually got a few chapters of my new novel done. It’s about my Mom’s favorite bicycle growin’ up.”

Though the hosts followed up his statement by asking what spooky happenings occurred, Patinski seemed more interested in talking about how calm and low-stress the sixth night at Freddy’s was.

“Oh yeah, there was a whole thing with these robots, but listen,” at this point in the interview, Patinski leaned in closer to the hosts, as though he was letting them in on a secret, “You ever want to really find yourself? Just spend a few hours in your own head. I’ve got a whole book up here (Patinski here pointed at his own head) and it’s all about my Mom’s Schwinn. I know you’re thinkin’, ‘Jerry, ya can’t write a whole book about a bicycle,’ but nah, nah, that’s what they told Frank Herbert before he wrote a book about sand.”

Paul Tricoli, one of the hosts of Best of Elk Grove, wrote about the interview on X that evening.

“I apologize to the management at Freddy Fazbear’s for the interview with Mr. Patinski. He kept alluding to something really frightening happening at Freddy Fazbear’s, but he wouldn’t go into it,” wrote Tricoli, “I think he thought he was helping promote Freddy Fazbear’s and giving us some insight into the behind-the-scenes work that goes into working a themed restaurant. But I really wish he hadn’t kept casually mentioning that something terrible happened the first five nights, especially since he just would not get into the specifics.”

“His book sounds great, though,” Tricoli followed up in a later tweet, “I’ll be sure to plug it when it goes up on Amazon.”

Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza on Main Street in Elk Grove is open Monday through Saturday, 8 AM to 11 PM.