thehardtimes

Hard Digest August 23: Early Access Nardwuar, Forklifts, Banks, Facebook, and More

Added 2024-08-24 00:00:06 +0000 UTC

Nardwuar Ushered Out of Gentlemen’s Club for Addressing Dancers by Their Real Names

VANCOUVER, British Columbia — Legendary music journalist Nardwuar was gently but sternly escorted out of a gentlemen’s club last night for addressing the performers by their real names, confirmed sources who believed he went too far this time.

“It completely took me by surprise,” remarked Nardwuar, still wounded over the occasion. “Usually, the folks I interview love when I show off how much I’ve researched them, but I guess that kind of thing is looked down upon here. Even after interviewing Henry Rollins or Sonic Youth I didn’t feel this dejected. I had this whole thing planned out where I would reveal their 23andMe results, their shoe size, and the name of their first born child to them, but that was before they started tossing me out.”

In addition to revealing sensitive information, employees also expressed discomfort with the Human Serviette’s gift-giving habit.

“Sure, it’s a nice sentiment, and I needed a new bra anyways,” said dancer LeeAnn Thomason. “I just found it a little off-putting that he got me one that fit perfectly. I asked him, ‘How the hell do you know my size?’ and he said, ‘You’re Sinnamon Angel, we have to know!’ I think he meant that in a complimentary way, but it came off as creepy. It didn’t help that he tried stuffing a vinyl from some soul band called Dogfart down my g-string right after.”

While a high-profile person like Nardwuar being thrown out of a club certainly raised some eyebrows, to some employees it was just business as usual.

“I didn’t see what all the hullabaloo was about,” said Todd Strickland, a bouncer at the club for over 10 years. “Nobody told me he was some kind of a celebrity. He had a weird, nervous energy, and I could barely understand anything he was saying; I just thought he was from Quebec. I wouldn’t have treated him any differently if I did know who he was, anyways. I always keep a close eye on anyone who comes in here wearing a beret. From experience, I can tell you, guys in berets are usually bad news.”

At press time, eyewitnesses report Nardwuar is still in the parking lot shouting “doot doo da loot doot” at dancers hurriedly leaving the building.

You’re Forklift Certified? Name Three OSHA Rules You’ve Blatantly Violated

By Ben Friedman

Well if it isn’t the new guy! Just so we’re clear from the get go, we do things a little differently around here. This isn’t like the rinky-dink warehouses you’re probably used to, we’re moving hundreds of millions of dollars of inventory in this place all day every day. And if you’re going to be here, I need to know that I can trust you know what you’re doing?

Huh, so you’re forklift certified then? Sure thing kid, I just need you to verify that by naming three OSHA violations you’ve blatantly violated on a daily basis in order to get things done a few seconds faster.

I want to make it perfectly clear that just because you passed a safety course doesn’t mean you know how to operate heavy machinery like it’s your last day on Earth. There’s a huge difference between using a forklift as intended by the manufacturer and exceeding max load capacity because you don’t want to make an extra trip to the loading dock. If you can’t see that, you’re not gonna last a week here.

If you’re here to make safety your number one priority, do yourself a favor and put in your two weeks notice. Look around, do you really think our bosses had the budget to invest in bulk racking that’ll withstand being slightly clipped by a forklift? The company went with the lowest bid contractors and the structural integrity is just a notch above a shitty Erector set, so you may as well drive around like it’s your last day on Earth and have some fun power drifting around corners. Live a little, will ya?

If you want to see what a real certified forklift operator look no further than Dave over here. He’s operating on just three Red Bulls after spending all night at the bar and two hours of sleep. He may as well be driving drunk with the amount of times he’s nodded off cruising down the aisles carrying two tons of industrial grade chemicals. But that’s how you gotta roll when you’ve got three kids and an alimony payment.

If you want run with the big dogs, go ahead and prove to me that you’ve watched clips of old football highlights while clicking through the annual OSHA refresher course. Then maybe we’ll let you join the after-hours forklift jousting club.

But in the meantime, you could at least take that helmet off. You look like an idiot.

Bank Purchasing House So It Can Settle Down And Raise Little Banks

By Travis Tack

CARMEL, Ind. — Wells Fargo Bank announced the acquisition of a quaint two bedroom to settle down and raise little banks, sources who couldn’t catch a break confirmed.

“We believe in the American Dream, where a bank can one day own several million single family homes. That was the vision our forefathers had. A country where any financial institution can have a house, a white picket fence, and 3.5 other little banks that were acquired through a series of moderately leveraged mergers and acquisitions,” said Edward Beaulac, Senior VP of Real Estate. “And maybe one day those banks will grow up and purchase the other homes in the neighborhood at rock bottom prices. Then we can get together for the holidays and sell all that land to the Chinese.”

Previous tenant Michael Weaver says the acquisition was a blessing in disguise.

“We may have gotten priced out of the neighborhood but on the plus side our new apartment is between a meth lab and a fireworks testing facility,” said Weaver. “It’s the best thing that ever happened to us! We’re big fans of ‘Breaking Bad’ and always wanted to experience the meth-trade firsthand. I’m just glad the community can come together to help a struggling multinational bank with deep roots in the global financial system and significant holdings across multiple sectors. Finally, the little guy wins.”

Jean Larsen has lived next to a bank for three years now and says she’s come to treasure the experience.

“I’d never met a bank before, but I’d seen them on TV and they seem like good people,” Larsen remarked. “When you first hear that banks are moving into the neighborhood, you worry that they’re going to come in and put chains on all the pens – but it’s not true. We have a great relationship. Last year, I sent them a Christmas card with a picture of my family and they sent back a flyer offering me a new line of credit with 0% APR for 21 months. They also recently purchased the factory I work for, so I’m really looking forward to seeing how that goes.”

At press time, the bank announced plans to rent out some of their recently purchased homes for a mere 400% of the mortgage cost.

Opinion: No, It Wasn’t a Mistake, I Genuinely Meant to Post “April O’Neil Juggs XXX” as My Facebook Status

By Dan Rice

Dear friends, family, and colleagues,

It would seem that my most recent post on Facebook has caused a lot of confusion, and dare I say even unflattering accusations. I’ve reluctantly concluded that an explanation is in order.

As you or anyone who knows me is aware, I consider myself to be a student of comedy. I’m no Shane Gillis, sure, but I am constantly endeavoring to make those around me laugh and spread a little joy into this crazy world of ours. The reason that I VERY MUCH DELIBERATELY posted “April O’Neil Juggs xxx” as my status update was because it is a very funny JOKE. Sadly, this seems to have gone over the heads of more than a few of you.

Reactions to my most recent joke, or shall we say “comedic piece,” have so far ranged from frustrating to downright hurtful. You see, it’s funny because I’m NOT searching for crude pornographic drawings of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle’s reporter friend April O’Neil. I’m ACKNOWLEDGING that being caught doing that would be embarrassing! It’s an esoteric joke, sure. What can I say, I play to the back of the room. Shortly after posting, however, it occurred to me that this SATIRICAL status might be a little too advanced for the general public, and I deleted it, which very unfortunately backfired.

Somehow, in the handful of seconds between post and deletion, a number of you screen-grabbed the status and posted it to your own timelines, tagging me in comments such as “Homeboy seriously thought he was typing in the search bar and outed himself jackin it to Ninja Turtles.” First off, I was not “jackin it” to the Ninja Turtles. The CHARACTER I was writing in was trying to gratify himself with sexualized images of April O’Neil, a human woman of adult age. Secondly, It was a JOKE, because the IDEA of me doing that would be funny!

My only crime here is doubting my own comedic genius and hastily deleting this WORK OF FICTION within seconds of it going live. I am not, as many of you have insinuated “a pervert.” No, my family is not “shell-shocked by this reveal.” No, I am not “finishing on a pizza and then eating it (but no anchovies dude!)” Frankly, the fact that so many of your minds went there makes me wonder about some of you.

Comedians, oh, I consider myself a comedian by the way, comedians are explorers. Sometimes we need a lot of runway before we can take off, and while we may stumble along the way we should be free to experiment, even at the risk of offending. To quote Dave Chappelle, “Comedians have a responsibility to speak recklessly.” Thank you, and goodnight.

Velma+glasses+BJ xxx

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Pregnant Elden Ring Streamer Criticized for Using Epidural

BY Amity Gilmour

LOS ANGELES — Controversy has erupted across the Souls community after popular Elden Ring streamer Emma “RegalMarika” Baxter announced she would be asking for an epidural during her upcoming childbirth.

“I personally don’t see the issue with it,” said Baxter during a ‘Blindfolded Two-Finger Only’ run of the Shadow of the Erdtree DLC. “At the end of the day I want the experience to be as smooth and painless as possible. I’m not looking to prove anything by suffering through intense agony. I am fed-up with the constant comments. I called 911 a few weeks ago after experiencing some chest pains. Turned out to be nothing, but what do I find waiting for me back home? A five-figure medical bill and some jerk called WildeStrikes claiming I was an ‘ambulance summoning scrub’.”

Despite Baxter’s complaints, there are those who are firm in their beliefs that she shouldn’t use an epidural.

“I always thought of RegalMarika as one of the real gamers,” explained Reddit user Involuntary Maidenless in a post on the Elden Ring subreddit. “Well, as real as a female gamer can be. I was willing to accept the allergy medication and the healthy diet. Yet to deny herself of the challenge of birthing a human into the world without resorting to pain relief? She’s really showing her true colors. She of all people should know to just git gud”

“This isn’t about me,” Maidenless continued. “This is about saving childbirth. If we don’t stand up and protest, then doctors are gonna casualize the birthing process for everyone. We need to maintain what makes a pregnancy special: and that’s pure, preventable pain.”

The sheer number of participants commenting on RegalMarika’s private medical choices has even led to some hospitals chiming in.

“We’ve received hundreds of comments and want to assure the community we are listening,” Bloodborn Maternity said in a press release. “We pride ourselves in delivering challenging yet satisfying births, and have no intention to nerf the process to appeal to a wider pregnant audience.”

At press time, fellow streamer Asmongold weighed in on the controversy declaring he would never even consider doing a pregnancy run due to the difficulty of finding a partner.