Hard Digest August 21: Pumpkin Spice, Early Access Threads, Bill Maher, Hipsters, and More

“It’s Too Early for Pumpkin Spice!” Says Man with Fridge Full of Oktoberfest Beers

By Ben Friedman 

MINNEAPOLIS — Local man Greg Johannssen claims it’s too early in the year for Starbucks to release pumpkin spice flavored drinks despite the fact his refrigerator is already fully stocked with Oktoberfest beers, sources close to the situation confirmed.

“Every year they start this shit earlier and earlier! It’s hot enough for my balls to stick to my leg, so why is Starbucks acting like we’re supposed to be cavorting through apple orchards in tweed jackets with pumpkin spice lattes in hand? This is the time of year for refreshing beverages like the Oktoberfest lagers like the ones taking up my entire basement fridge, those never go out of style,” said Johannssen. “Last I checked, pumpkin spice should be hitting mid-October at best. The brown nectar of the gods that are Oktoberfest beers can be enjoyed any time, and the fact I go feral every time the local breweries roll them out doesn’t change the fact that seasonal food should be timed with the actual seasons.”

Johannssen’s girlfriend has taken the brunt of his ranting despite calling him out numerous times.

“Nobody has to convince me to buy pumpkin spice anything, but I guess Greg has some strong opinions about my pumpkin spice little treat because he’s been going on about the sanctity of the seasons for hours now. But this is also the same guy who left in the middle of my niece’s baptism because he found out his favorite brewery dropped his favorite mäzen lager,” said Katie Lee. “How can he think getting blackout drunk on Oktoberfest beers on a Wednesday afternoon is more acceptable than one flavored coffee? At least he’s not into IPA’s or I’d have definitely left him by now.”

The Starbucks marketing team pointed out that they’d have to be instance to not lean into pumpkin spice as early as possible.

“Oh it’s absolutely true we’re pushing pumpkin spice products slightly earlier each year, because we make a shit load of money off of it and we are hoping some of the people boycotting us will throw a few dollars our way. Hell, we’d sell it all year round if we could but then it wouldn’t be special. But white middle class women love it more than sex so fuck it, it’s here in mid-August,” said executive Mark Stroud. “We understand that this product makes a lot of insecure men very angry for no reason, but we can’t let that deter us from padding our bottom line.”

As of press time, Johannssen’s girlfriend caught him red handed drinking a winter ale after complaining about stores already putting out Christmas decorations.

Threads Users Hearing Rumors That Biden Is Considering Dropping Out of Presidential Race

By Dan Kozuh 

SAN FRANCISCO — Users on the social media platform Threads were recently abuzz with news that President Joe Biden might be considering dropping out of the 2024 presidential race, representatives from the Meta owned company report.

“I was scrolling through Threads, looking for the latest updates on Biden’s political moves, and there it was,” said Threads user Mark Turner (@MarkT1981), shaking his head in disbelief. “Biden might be dropping out. I can’t believe it, I mean there is less than 100 days until the election. Who is going to take his place? Warren? Schumer? No one on Threads seems to know. I keep refreshing but all I get is screenshots of Tweets about something called Hawk Tuah!”

The news, which had already been announced, dissected, and discussed in real-time on Twitter, appeared on Threads weeks after Biden had already dropped out and Vice-President Kamala Harris had been selected as the presumptive nominee and chose a running mate.

“Threads has become the go-to place for those who enjoy hearing about news at a leisurely pace, for people who like reading the Sunday newspaper,” social media analyst Emily Rodriguez said, who, like many, opened a Threads account in 2023 and never looked at it again. “It’s like the days gone by where you might get your news by word of mouth at a small town diner. By the time Threads users get the scoop, it’s already old news. It’s a kind of social media nostalgia, like when your parents print out a meme to show you. It’s adorable.”

Dr. Henry Lawson, a communications expert at UC Berkeley, added his thoughts on the situation.

“Threads has mastered the art of lagging behind. Sure, Twitter is a cesspool of Nazis, bots, and trolls, but it is still the go-to site for breaking news and unofficial rumors,” Dr. Lawson noted. “While Twitter users are debating world events as they happen, Threads users are reminiscing about it with the reverence usually reserved for historians and archeologists. It’s as if the platform is dedicated to giving users a ‘vintage news’ experience.”

As of press time, Threads was said to be flooded with posts about the potential threat of Russia invading Ukraine.

QUIZ: Are You Really in Jean-Paul Sartre’s “No Exit” or Are You Just Watching Bill Maher Interview Jordan Peterson on Ketamine?

By Dan Rice 

Hell is other people, and what two people could possibly be more hell than right-wing academic clown Jordan Peterson and the unfathomably uncancelled Bill Maher?

If you’ve found yourself watching Maher casually “sparking j’s” and chatting with Pererson about how his all-red-meat diet only put him in the hospital for “a little while,” you’ve probably reached the conclusion that Sartre’s play “No Exit” is in fact an accurate depiction of hell, that you have died, and that you will be locked in a room with these two insufferables forever. Fear not! There’s every chance that you just got loaded on ketamine again and stumbled across a clip of them on social media. Let’s run through the checklist before we freak out, shall we?

Are they responding when you speak?
If the answer is no, well, honestly that’s no guarantee that you’re not actually in a room with these assholes, but it’s a promising start!

Is Bill Baher finding excuses to mention his 2008 atheist documentary “Religulous?”
The only thing in the world that would stop Maher from speaking about atheism as if the whole concept was his idea because he’s just that goddammed smart is dying and finding himself in hell.

Has Peterson asked to see your genitals?
Eternity is a long time sure, but Peterson is going to need to confirm your gender immediately.

See any writers around?
Even Satan is incapable of getting Bill Maher to go anywhere or say anything without them.

Does the room smell like a mix of old creep and some cologne with a name like “Wolf Musk”?
Ketamine is not known to cause olfactory hallucinations and can in fact suppress your sense of smell so trust the nose! Take a nice big whiff. The combined scent of Maher and Petterson should be palpable. Halitosis, incontinence, and sexual wellness supplements punctuated by a fragrance marketed to men who like to think they are lumberjacks. If you’re not getting any of that, chances are you’re just in a K-hole, and you’ll have the faculties required to put your phone down in about 20 minutes.

Can you hear a jilted prostitute demanding more money behind a locked door in the distance?
If you can’t, chances are you are not actually in a room with Bill Maher.

When you snap and punch them, do they react, or does your vision just get a bunch of weird cracks in it?
That’s your phone dude. You just broke your phone screen. That’s the bad news, the good news is you are not in an existential nightmare stuck with Bill Maher and Jordan Peterson in a locked room for all of eternity. Even if your phone isn’t insured, and judging by your habitual ketamine use it is not, that’s a good day.

Man Feels Warm Sense of Nostalgia After Being Called a “Fucking Hipster”

By Jose Balderas 

GLENDALE, Calif. — Self-professed 36-year-old “film connoisseur” Bobby Colina’s bad day was salvaged by an accidental Good Samaritan calling him a hipster, sources report.

“To be honest, I was expecting something else to also go awry today. Either my cat was going to get sick, my long-distance girlfriend would want to break up, or my synth would finally crap out on me,” recalled Colina. “When I walked into the Barnes & Noble to inquire if they had the Criterion Collection Blu-Ray of ‘Ghost World,’ I heard someone behind me say under their breath loud enough for me to hear ‘fuckin’ hipster,’ and let me tell you the smile that came across my face erased any dour mood I was in because it really brought me back right back to 2013. Just me, my then-girlfriend, and a ‘She & Him’ vinyl playing in my apartment while we sat in the dark, plus I was 35 pounds lighter back then.”

Barnes & Noble employee Jessica Quinto witnessed the moment.

“I only remember the encounter because it was so awkward for everyone except the bearded guy. He wouldn’t stop asking me if I had seen some weird movie while I was searching on our computer. I kept saying I hadn’t but he wouldn’t stop describing how amazing it was and that I would totally like it if I saw it,” said Quinto. “The man behind him was getting impatient and blurted out the insult when the hipster said he would come back another day to ask if I saw the movie. You know, it was also kinda creepy how he paused then smiled after a long silence when the man called him that.”

A recent medical journal included a study from a renowned Cerritos College professor that shed light on this phenomenon.

“This is a brand-new discovery in the field of psychology,” stated Dr. Zeg, who specializes in Millennial Psychology. “The medical community has labeled these encounters ‘Nostalgic Millennial Negging’ wherein a millennial person acts in a way seeking to be insulted by another person so they may feel smug and superior to them. Many of the case studies show that people who were between the ages of 20-25 during the 2000’s might unknowingly be suffering from this affliction. We do recommend that if they have a strong urge to be insulted for their hobbies, preferences, or looks they should think about reaching out to a mental health care provider.”

As of press time, Colina has not found a new copy of ‘Ghost World.’

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Free Speech Defender Demands Game Journalists Be Silenced

BY Matt Fresh

CHICAGO — Noted free speech defender and unemployed divorced absentee father of two Jacob Fitzgerald has begun calling for all game journalists to be silenced as soon as possible.

Fitzgerald took to Twitter with a large thread of huge multi-paragraph posts calling on his followers as well as Elon Musk to help ensure that game journalists’ voices are never heard again.

“It’s time once and for all we get rid of these game journos from our space. When I come on X the everything app I want to be discussing video games, championing them and making sure free speech is upheld. All these journos want to do is make things about politics and their woke agenda. They need to be silenced. I am calling on @elonmusk to limit the reach of all these game journos infected with the woke mind virus, perhaps even banning them completely so their need to talk politics can no longer get in the way of our free expression.”

Seven tweets into the thread Fitzgerald described how he believes game journalists are complicit in discrimination against what he calls the most persecuted group on the planet.

“We as gamers are the most persecuted group in the history of the world. No one has ever had it worse than us and game journos do everything in their power to continue the discrimination we have faced for generations. Whether it’s their continued uplifting of games with female characters, pushing gay people into our games or trying to gaslight us into thinking a colored game protagonist is a good thing. They threaten us and our way of life and they call us weird while they do so. They are bigots who must be stopped before all of gaming becomes less white and more sinful.”

Twitter owner Elon Musk responded to Fitzgerald’s call to action.

“Looking into it,” wrote the self-proclaimed genius.

Fitzgerald’s followers were fired up by his demand for change.

“Yes, all of this! These game journos are enemy number one to our free speech. All we want is to play and talk about video games without the threat of seeing a minority but they refuse to let that happen. They need to be silenced and their rights taken away,” tweeted user AlphaReichGaming

At press time, Fitzgerald is offering his followers the chance to help his cause by subscribing to his Twitter account for $13 a month.

Splatoon Player Arrested After Discovery of Unregistered Paint Roller

BY Roxanne Fulton 

LOS ANGELES — The Los Angeles Police Department announced the execution of a successful raid, which revealed a stash of several unregistered paint rollers, paintbrushes, buckets and umbrellas belonging to a suspect under the alias of ‘Tim’. Tim, known online for his notoriety within the Splatoon community, had long been a person of interest for the department, police say.

“Many of his social media posts indicated intent to commit armed assault with weapons banned in the state,” says Officer Chloe Ducy. “For example, a post just last week expressed joy at hitting ‘several targets’ with his Splat Roller. We set up a stakeout and witnessed unusual behavior, including multiple visits to Home Depot in a single day. We obtained a warrant and were able to raid his home. Our officers discovered that Tim kept a collection of unregistered weapons including Five Rollers, Three Brushes, a long-tubed hose, a Squirt Gun, three Water Guns, three Buckets, a Washing Machine, a Bathroom Sink, four Umbrellas, a fuel pump nozzle, a windshield wiper, an AR-15, several hose spray nozzles, a pencil, a ballpoint pen, several water balloons and sprinklers, and a single bottle of wine. Everything except the AR-15 had been illegally obtained. We seized it all as evidence.”

While Tim was unavailable for comment, his lawyer released a statement on his behalf.

“Splat Tim owned the utensils purely for decoration and home use,” read the statement, which was posted as a hand-written image in Splatoon’s in-game social media platform. “All references to violence committed with these tools was merely referring to the popular video game ‘Minecraft’ where buckets and assorted tools are also featured.”

The raid occurred after a concerning increase of mass inkings in the state, with some calling for bans on the sale of rollers and brushes. Many citizens have criticized the National Paint Association for their heavy lobbying in favor of the industry, though the organization denies any correlation between their political activities and real-world violence.

“It is the mission statement of the NPA that all citizens be allowed the right to bare paint, as our founding fathers intended,” says Sheldon, spokesperson for the NPA. “We believe that rollers don’t splat people, people splat people, and that the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a bucket is a good guy with dualies.”

Splat Tim is currently in jail awaiting trial, where he may be facing up to 10 minutes of downtime and 500 rank points.