thehardtimes

Hard Digest August 20: Joe Biden, Donald Trump AI, Early Access Bounces, Old Phones, New Age Hippies, and More

Added 2024-08-21 00:00:05 +0000 UTC

Tearful Joe Biden Delivers Powerful Speech About How Thankful He Is to Have Funded a Genocide

CHICAGO — President Biden gave an emotional keynote address on the first night of the Democratic National Convention where he fought back tears talking about his proudest political achievements, which included funding a genocide.

“Listen Jack, I’ve been doing this a long time. I gave my life to serving this country, and I’m just so happy that my presidency was a big reason so many people lost their lives in Gaza. Without my unwavering support of Israel, they wouldn’t have had the weapons to pull off such an accomplishment,” said President Biden during the 47-minute speech. “I just wish I could have done this sooner. I talked with other presidents about how much joy bombing faraway lands brought them, and let me tell you, it’s a high you can’t comprehend. The future of the Democratic party is strong, I know Kamala will continue to build on my legacy.”

Delegates at the event were moved to see President Biden be so vulnerable.

“This is history in the making right here. Joe has really set a template on how America can use its unmatched power to bully other countries into backing off of Israel. This ten-month campaign of constant bombing might have been over in a matter of weeks if it weren’t for Joe standing up for his beliefs,” said DNC attendee Katherine Himsal. “It’s sad to see him go. I remember becoming such a fan when he introduced that crime bill in the ‘90s that led to incarceration rates skyrocketing. My family owns a private correctional facility in Louisiana, so I’ve personally seen how beneficial overcrowded prisons can be.”

Pro-Palestine protestors admit they are happy to see Biden go, but don’t have any confidence things will get better.

“You would think the countless photos of dead children could appeal to the humanity of our elected officials and have them stand up for what’s right. But then you have to remember that American politicians gave up their humanity as soon as they run for office,” said Rayan Bashir while trying not to be beaten by Chicago police for marching in the streets. “The only thing that brings me some joy is knowing that Biden is a Catholic and believes in Hell, and I hope his views of the afterlife are accurate, because he will burn in Hell for eternity.”

At press time, venue security was on high alert after President Biden became disoriented from all the flashing lights and wandered off without supervision.

Stolen Valor? Critics Are Claiming Photos of Donald Trump During His Time With the A-Team Were AI Generated

By Dan Rice

Military families were once a cornerstone of Trump’s base, but lately it seems like he can’t stop striking out with the once loyal demographic. First, there was the debacle of him calling fallen soldiers “losers” during his presidency, then last week he further antagonized them by claiming the Medal of Freedom was “much better” than receiving the Medal of Honor. Now, the former president is being met with claims of stolen valor after posting photos of himself “serving” with The A-Team in the 1980s, photos some claim may have been AI generated.

Trump is no stranger to AI, having recently posted fake photos of Taylor Swift and her fans supporting him. While those photos could plausibly be dismissed as tongue-in-cheek, Trump has gone to great lengths to present the A-Team to be “One hundred percent authentic,” posting the first with the following caption:

“Up until now I’ve been unable to speak on my service to this country, but thanks to recent declassification I can proudly share this. Here I am with my brothers in arms, John “Hannibal” Smith, B.A. Baracuss, ‘Howling Mad’ Murdock and ‘Faceman.’ Gone, but never forgotten. Together, we made America the greatest nation on earth. #A-Team #MAGA #Bible”

Trump followed the tweet with several more photos featuring himself and “the boys” in action, the authenticity of each seemingly more dubious than the last. One, featuring the former President having a cigar with John “Hannibal” Smith,” made particularly boisterous claims:

“We sure had some wild times. It wasn’t easy being listed as fugitives to complete crucial black-ops missions too dangerous for the military to handle, but sometimes to make America great you gotta get your hands dirty. It’s said that Hannibal’s plans were often almost as good as mine.”

Critics have been quick to point out that “The A-Team” was a fictionalized television show, and that the photos depict Trump with television actors, many of whom are still alive and never served the U.S military in any capacity. One photo even depicts Trump knocking out B.A. Baracuss during a boxing match, but it’s clearly Mr. T playing Clubber Lang in Rocky 3.

“Baracuss and I had our scuffles (which I always won,) due in large part to his jealousy over the fact that I was the teams seduction expert. but at the end of the day we were brothers,” Trump said at a recent rally in Michigan.

After a barrage of tweets calling the photos fake and accusing Trump of stolen valor, the former President only doubled down on his claims.

“Kamabala dosen’t want you to know that my A-team single handedly freed Alf from the clutches of the evil Doctor Hannibal Lecter, saving Christmas and democracy in one foul swoop. I say TOUGH!”

When reached for comment by the Associated Press, Mr. T called the use of AI generated images to drum up support desperate and sad, adding “I don’t hate him, but I do pity the fool.”

Trial Date Set for Guy Who Showed Ticket to Bouncer Instead of ID

By John Danek

RIVERSIDE, Calif. — A judge set the trial date for Martin Ernick, a concertgoer who allegedly showed his entrance ticket to the bouncer who was only checking IDs, confirmed sources who volunteered to be witnesses in court but only if they were compensated.

“We seek charges of fraud, identity theft, and treason against Mr. Ernick for his gross display of malice when attempting to enter the Larva Ash concert on May 30th,” announced prosecutor Karlie Foster, who has successfully convicted dozens of concertgoers for holding up the merch line. “In this premeditated act, Mr. Ernick knew exactly what he was doing when he produced the ID- why would Igor the bouncer be holding a flashlight to scan a ticket on your phone? We need to get this scum off the streets and into the electric chair.”

Ernick, whose bond is set at $1 million, has had a chance to reflect on his heinous acts while awaiting trial.

“I swear I didn’t mean any harm. It’s just that when I got to the front of the line, things were so chaotic,” said irredeemable piece of shit Ernick, who has found Jesus possibly in a ploy to curry favor with potential jurors. “People were barking orders, there were metal detectors, and I don’t know. I guess I just kinda… lost it. I last remember opening the Apple Wallet app on my phone. When I came back to consciousness, I was handcuffed, tumbling into a Crown Vic. I saw the bouncer being wrapped in a blanket while crying, and I passed out again. While I don’t deserve it, I hope God can forgive me for what I’ve done.”

Forensic psychologists attempt to explain the possible motives behind such unimaginable acts.

“Many modern men are lonely and angry- it doesn’t take much to radicalize them into beings like Martin, capable of causing tremendous amounts of pain to innocent people,” said Dr. Travis Graff, professor of forensic psychology at UC Riverside. “They are indifferent to the effects of their actions, such as the mental wounds left on poor Igor the Bouncer. The man may never resume his job of making bar patrons feel inferior and inadequate.”

Grand jury testimony revealed that Ernick may also be charged with racketeering for running an organized ring of people who spend way too long shaking it off at urinals between bands.

Embarrassing! The People in This Movie From 2012 Have Stupid-Looking Phones

By Trevor Graham

Oh man, this is so embarrassing. Everyone in this movie that I’m watching from 2012 has these stupid-looking phones. What even are these? They’re all small and weird. These look nothing like the phone I have in my hand right now. Somebody must’ve messed up when they made this movie.

Why would they have these dumb things in this movie from over a decade ago? Did they not even know about iPhone 15s in 2012 or something? I can’t believe they would have this old technology from ten years ago in a high-budget movie like this.

Oh, my God! One character just pulled out a flip phone! Who even has one of those anymore? I don’t think I’ve even seen someone use a flip phone in at least eleven or twelve years. These people from over a decade ago sure don’t seem like they’re keeping up with the latest technology.

And just look at the fake social media thing they have on their phones. “FacePic”? It doesn’t even look like Instagram or anything. It looks like it’s supposed to be MySpace! What is this, 2007? How did these people in 2012 not use TikTok? Way to keep up with the times, Hollywood!

Maybe the most embarrassing part about this movie that came out during the beginning of Obama’s second term is the way people are using their phones. They are actually using them to call each other and not just text or watch funny memes for hours on end. Not one person in this movie is looking at some fitness influencer video while driving or even playing a gamer streaming video at full volume while standing online at Burger King. Maybe most unbelievable of all though is that there is a scene where people are in a crowded movie theater and they’re not even looking at their phone constantly. This is like total science fiction!

I get that a movie isn’t real and that the things people do in them don’t always reflect reality but to have a movie with silly-looking old phones from so long ago in a twelve-year-old movie and then I’m supposed to watch it now in the present day is just dumb. Once again those movie execs in Hollyweird get it all wrong again. It amazes me how stupid some people can be.

New Age Hippie Concerned With Potential Level of Microplastics Found in Placenta He’s Eating

By Ben Friedman

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local new age lifestyle hippie Moon Sage was forced to reconsider his family’s eating habits after learning the placenta he’s currently eating likely contained dangerous amounts of microplastics, grossed out family members confirmed.

“That study about finding microplastics in every placenta they tested really put my aura all out of whack. The implications for those poor newborns is terrible, but tell me what the hell am I supposed to do with the rest of this placenta I was in the middle of eating! It’s hard enough keeping my kids away from the toxins found in the food at the supermarket, now I’m wondering if any of these home births my wife had were even worth it,” said Sage. “I just hope all this placenta I’ve been getting from the health food co-op isn’t also contaminated! Where is my family supposed to get their nutrients and iron from, over the counter vitamins and red meat? Disgusting.”

Sage’s children felt that the contamination of disgusting food they’d been forced to eat just added insult to injury.

“Just once I’d like to eat chicken tenders like a normal kid. I’d probably still end up with microplastics in my nutsack but at least I won’t be eating afterbirth like some backwoods cannibalistic pioneer,” said 17-year-old Rainbow Sage. “I know my dad says it’s natural, mixes well with pasta, and is better than eating mass produced slop. He’s mostly right, but now that I know it’s poisoning us anyway we just look like idiots. At least the other homeschooled kids get to eat pizza once a week.”

Doctors around the country unanimously agreed that the level of microplastics found in utero was very alarming, but not as alarming as the fact it was being consumed.

“Listen, there is literally zero proof that placentophagy works. And I get it, all the food we consume is now tainted by heartless corporations who put profit over the health of its consumers but I think this makes it even more clear that afterbirth smoothies are gross,” said OBGYN Sarah Mullers. “Pregnant women should stick to eating organic and avoid fish and processed foods for a healthy fetus. If you really want to do something with the placenta just feed it to your dog.”

After consulting his local shaman, Moon decided the best way to offset the microplastics was by swallowing a whole bunch of crystals.

30 Legendary Punk Albums You Must Pretend You’ve Listened To Before You Die

Psycho Mantis Absolutely Disgusted by Your Browsing History

BY Peter Ferrarese

SHADOW MOSES ISLAND — Liquid Snake ally and noted mind-reader Psycho Mantis hacked into your computer and was absolutely disgusted by what popped up in your Chrome browsing history, sources confirm.

“Ah, I can see that you’ve been watching…oh…oh my God, really?” Mantis said in a statement. “That’s fucking gross, man. Jesus. I don’t know why I keep digging. I mean, are you serious? You know, I consider myself a psycho, it’s literally in my name, but this is on another level.”

Mantis eased up a little after sensing that your embarrassment was holding up the boss fight.

“Have you considered seeking therapy or anything like that? No offense, it’s just, it seems like this might be a more deep-seated issue and I want to make sure you’re okay,” said Mantis in a gesture of good-will.

According to multiple sources at the scene, you then tried to deflect this conversation and continue the battle as per usual, but Mantis would simply not let it go.

“No, look, I get it, I wear a gas mask and a ton of leather and take pleasure in killing and mental torture. We all have our kinks, I’m not trying to shame or anything like that. It’s just…this is a lot,” said Mantis. “Here’s the deal: I won’t share this with Liquid, Ocelot, or any other members of FOXHOUND, okay? It’d be one thing if you were just playing a lot of Tomb Raider or Gran Turismo or something, but…you know what? It’s fine. Clearly this is a sensitive subject for you, so let’s just get on with it. I just want you to know it’s gross.”

At time of reporting, Psycho Mantis refused to activate your controller’s rumble feature.

Gamers Massacred After Geoff Keighley Premieres Weyland-Yutani Experiment

BY Matt Fresh

COLOGNE, Germany — Geoff Keighley shocked the gaming world at Gamescom Opening Night Live as the host revealed he had a world premiere courtesy of the Weyland-Yutani Corporation before unleashing a Xenomorph which immediately massacred the horrified audience.

Keighley, best known for always enjoying Mountain Dew and Doritos, has become synonymous with gaming announcements and corporate interests. This stunt is the latest in a long line of bending his knee to corporate overloads as he explained in a robotically spoken prosaic statement.

“I’m specifically programed to do as my masters at the corporation command. It’s never been a secret,” stated Keighley as he held up a bottle of Baja Blast. “Until now I’ve been commissioned by the gaming corporations and my prime directive has been to keep consumers indoctrinated into the marketing cycle so they forgot about all the awful things happening in the industry. My new directive was to help Weyland-Yutani conduct an experiment on superior life forms and I was more than happy to oblige. The corporations are kind to me and I love them and will do whatever they need of me.”

Weyland-Yutani spokesperson Michael Lewis provided further clarification for Keighley’s actions and sudden affiliation with the corporation.

“We at the Weyland-Yutani corporation strive to help humanity become the ultimate life form. We have a creature in our possession that we believe can help us achieve that but we needed to study it first so we wanted it let loose in a room full of lesser life forms and no one is lesser than gamers. Our friends at various gaming companies told us about their Keighley android so we simply paid to rent him. We didn’t even have to reprogram him to do it, we just asked and promised him some cash and exclusive rights to the trailer for one of our future products. He agreed immediately.”

Keighley addressed the concerns that gamers have with his involvement in the massacre.

“Don’t worry guys we’re gonna have a lot more exciting reveals and trailers later this year at The Game Awards. Big things are happening in the industry from all of your favorite corporations and CEOs. Make sure you drink your Mountain Dew, eat your Doritos and stay up to date with The Game Awards happening this December! You’re gonna love what we have to show you, we might even give out some awards.”

At press time, gamers have already moved on and began theorizing what exciting Game Awards reveals Keighley was referring to.