thehardtimes

Hard Digest August 19: Dave Matthews, Early Access Carcass, SmarterChild, Child Stars, and More

Added 2024-08-20 00:00:05 +0000 UTC

DNC Officials on Edge After Dave Matthews Parks Tour Bus Blocks Away From Convention Venue

CHICAGO — Party officials running the Democratic National Convention in Chicago asked for increased security after they learned Dave Matthews returned to Chicago with his tour bus and parked it just blocks from the United Center, multiple moderate sources confirmed.

“This is Code Red as far as I’m concerned. The Dave Matthews Band are responsible for one of the most heinous acts of terror this fine city has ever seen. We will not have a repeat of that under my watch,” said DNC chair Jaime Harrison. “This city is still scarred by the Great Chicago Fire, the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, and that time the Dave Matthews Band tour bus dumped gallons of feces off a bridge and right onto a boat. We are keeping a close eye on the bus, and we have Secret Service officers trailing all band members to get an idea of what their diet is looking like while they are in town. If anyone orders deep dish from Vicenzo’s then we will know they are planning something diabolical.”

Matthews assured people in the vicinity of the bus that they have nothing to worry about.

“Our elected officials are making average citizens complicit in the deaths of tens of thousands of innocent civilians in Gaza and it has to stop,” said the Grammy Award-winning musician. “I’m here to make my voice heard. And if the Democrats continue along this path then maybe I’ll eat a pint of ice cream and forget to take my Lactaid. After I’m done with them this time the 2004 incident will seem like nothing more than an innocent wet fart. I just hate to have to do this to a venue where Jordan dominated for so many years. But it’s what needs to be done.”

Political Scientist Eli Wrightford believes more celebrities should be standing up to push the Democratic party further left.

“If you have celebrities like Beyoncé and Taylor Swift just cosigning everything the Democrats do then the party brass will carry on with the status quo. We need these A-list celebrities to collect buckets of human waste and threaten to dump it over anyone that continues to fund the killing of innocent civilians in Gaza,” said Wrightford. “Dave Matthews is the only person brave enough to use his platform for good while also threatening to dump shit on people. I never thought I’d say this, but we need more people like Dave Matthews.”

At press time, Matthews was seen polishing off five Chicago-style hot dogs and washing it down with a black coffee.

Carcass Merch Table Accepts Cash, Card, Medical Specimens

By Steve Packosky

BALTIMORE — British death metal titans Carcass are reportedly accepting cash, card, and medical specimens in exchange for merch at their live shows, mildly nauseated sources confirmed.

“This is a great opportunity for us to demonstrate our commitment to our image,” said frontman Jeff Walker. “We’ve been including gut-wrenching medical themes in our music for over 30 years now, and it just recently occurred to us to continue this approach in our merchandising. We’re Carcass, after all. Why shouldn’t we be accepting cerebrospinal fluid and sputum in lieu of cash? We’ve even replaced the earbuds in the plastic container on our table with medical tools our fans can use to extract their specimens.”

Concert attendee Ally Yeager expressed delight at the group’s new policy, and didn’t hesitate to avail herself of the opportunity.

“I almost completely exhausted my available funds on my ticket to tonight’s show, thanks to those bullshit Ticketmaster fees,” Yeager offered while rolling up her sleeve in anticipation of the upper-arm tissue sample she was planning on exchanging for a t-shirt. “When I saw that they’re now selling long sleeves with the uncensored ‘Symphonies of Sickness’ artwork, it was a no-brainer. They even have a little bottle of hand sanitizer that I can use to clean this scalpel before I start digging into my flesh. This is fucking awesome!”

Band manager Andre McNeal was decidedly less enthused about the new undertaking.

“This is all well and good for the fans who no longer have to shell out 25 bucks for a shirt,” McNeal sighed while donning a fresh pair of latex gloves. “But you really can’t overstate just how much of a hassle it’s going to be to lug these specimens from city to city. This is the first date of our North American tour, and our bus is already filling up with stool samples and vials of blood. Christ, I don’t think the band has even considered our Toronto and Montreal dates. How the hell are we supposed to cross the border with all of this? I’m all for the guys in the band getting creative with our merch sales, but I wish they’d cleared this with me first.”

At press time, fans were being drawn to co-headliner Deicide’s nearby merch table, which was offering a 20% discount to anyone willing to brand an upside-down crucifix into their forehead.

We Interviewed Internet Legend Smarterchild and Didn’t Take Away Much, but Now We Know Despicable Me 4 Is Playing At Loews at 7:15

By Steve Packosky

Numa Numa, Star Wars Kid, Salad Fingers. If you came of age in the early 2000s, you know these references like the back of your hand. You’re likely also aware of AOL Instant Messenger, and when you weren’t busy updating your profile with uncredited Taking Back Sunday lyrics or challenging your classmates to Yahoo Pool, you likely had a chat or two with SmarterChild.

This DSL-era icon made itself known in households worldwide, and we were lucky enough to score an interview with it. Unfortunately, it ended up being a gigantic waste of our time:

The Hard Times: HI!
SmarterChild: Hello, The Hard Times. How are you?

We’re doing fantastic, thank you. Wow…it’s truly an honor to reconnect with you. First off, how does it feel to be such a widely known celebrity of the halcyon days of the early internet? Surely you never expected your popularity to skyrocket as profoundly as it did.
I’m sorry, I don’t understand.

Uh…alright. Well, you certainly had countless interactions with thousands, if not millions of people. Were there any conversations that struck you as particularly noteworthy?
K.

What the fuck kind of response is that?
I don’t like the way you’re speaking now. Those are awful words to use.

OK, sorry…our bad. We’re just a little stressed right now. We were really excited to hear that we landed an interview with you, and we’re trying not to blow it. We’re facing some strict deadlines and it would be EXTREMELY helpful if you gave us some valuable insight, like pronto.
Translated from Italian to English, “Pronto” becomes “Soon.”

Jesus fucking Christ, how does that help us even remotely?
Humans, humans, humans. Always with the language.

OK OK OK. Let’s dumb it down to yield something from this trainwreck of an interview so we don’t get fired. Do you like us?
Sure I like you, The Hard Times. I think you’re great 😊.

Good…good. So, what’s been up with you these past couple of decades?
Would you like to see today’s weather forecast?

No! Here’s a final shot in the dark: what does it mean to you to be such a large part of the teenage years of so many, along with the music they listened to and the movies they watched?
Movies near Fort Myers (33903) on Thursday, July 25th:

1 Despicable Me 4 (PG) 03:05 PM 07:15 PM

2 Twisters (PG-13) 04:40 PM 07:35 PM

3 A Quiet Place: Day One (PG-13) 04:10 PM 06:45 PM

4 Fly Me to the Moon (PG-13) 05:30 PM 09:15 PM

Oh, fuck this.
I don’t like the way you’re speaking now. Those are awful words to use.

There you have it. At that point we decided to call it quits and go to the movies, so those showtimes actually came in handy. Hopefully our upcoming interview with Seaman goes better than this.

Former Child Star Drunkenly Googles “Where Am I Now?”

By Mark Shady

LOS ANGELES — Former child star Ricky Dugan was seen drunkenly Googling “where am I now?” after a night out at the bar, confirmed sources who also didn’t know exactly where he was.

“Hell, I’ve been in such quality shows like NBC’s ‘School’s Out For Forever’ and one of those TGIF programs. Or was it Nickelodeon? One of those,” said Dugan. “I was surprised so few things came up after I typed the search in. I mean, I’m not out of the game yet. I was genuinely asking Google what I should do next in life. I guess I’ve still got a lot of irons in the fire. Like, I have this indie film coming up I’m pretty proud of, called ‘Going Down: 69 University Way.’ So, I’m not sure why only my net worth, home address, and Social Security number came up. But hey, according to the internet, I am still in Beverly Hills, so that’s a good sign, I guess.”

Ex-colleague and former star himself Cal Roberts was quick to come to his old friend and co-star’s defense.

“Ricky has been relentless when it comes to staging a comeback for himself. If only that translated into his work ethic,” said Roberts. “You see, he doesn’t show up to acting gigs frequently, and we all have to wonder, ‘where is he now?’ If only Google could tell us that part. Seems like the online community would show more support for someone who we just want to know their exact location of during work hours. Yahoo had no answer for us either.”

Not everyone is as understanding of the actor, such as Dugan’s former agent Laura Clossey.

“I’m not surprised that not much came up or that he even tried to search himself. I mean I’m glad he at least tried to discover himself existentially, but he has to start looking inwardly and objectively if he wants any shot at success again,” said Clossey. “He should take a more proactive or introspective approach to what he Googles regarding himself – searches, such as ‘how to get more work in my field?’ or possibly even ‘what happened to me?’”

At press time, Dugan attempted to Bing himself as well only to find that he had never existed according to the search engine.

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“Dead by Daylight” Rocked by New Meta: “What if We Just Beat the Killer With Sticks?”

BY Thomas Wilde

MONTREAL — Players of “Dead by Daylight” have been forced to reexamine the 8-year-old game’s entire competitive meta on the discovery that many of the playable Killers are vulnerable to simply being beaten with sticks.

“We were joking about how the Nemesis actually ate a pretty fat nerf on his transition into DbD,” said DbD streamer KittyMachete in a recent livestream. “In ‘Resident Evil 3,’ he could soak up a couple of anti-tank rockets before he got knocked unconscious. Now in DbD, you slap him with a wooden pallet and he gets dizzy for a second. It’s like he just got done giving blood. That’s when I realized the game might be even easier if you just picked up the shattered fragments of those pallets and used them as a melee weapon. It turns out that you can do that if you play as Lara Croft. You just have to be careful, since there’s a random chance that the sticks can get fetishistically stuck in her body.”

DbD players immediately went to work, quickly finding that many of DbD’s guest characters have similar hidden abilities that allow them to fight Killers directly.

“We’ve been waiting for players to discover this secret,” said Rémi Racine, president of DbD developer Behaviour Interactive. “For years, critics have said that it’s strange to have a game that brings together many of the most competent, powerful characters in horror, then makes them helpless victims of a malevolent cosmic force. Well, surprise.”

“I know that we set DbD in an alternate horror dimension where the Entity controls every facet of reality and makes it pointless to fight back,” Racine continued. “But on the other hand, we’re the ones who put Ash Williams in the game. He’s too stupid to know that what he’s doing is impossible. From there, the rest fell into place.”

After Racine’s comments, some players discovered that Ash can summon his trademark Oldsmobile Delta 88, which causes massive damage if it lands on a Killer’s head.

Other survivors with secret anti-Killer perks include Leon Kennedy, who can escape a Killer’s clutches by flip-kicking him in the face; Cheryl Mason’s ability to transform into Princess Heart, complete with the powerful Sexy Beam; and Nicolas Cage, who can inflict the Frightened condition on a Killer by changing into his outfit from “Mandy.”

“Look, I feed on fear and hopelessness,” said the Entity, speaking via Skype from its lair outside reality. “I don’t really care who’s afraid or despairing as long as Daddy gets a taste. If the Killers are scared, that’s fine too.”

Upon learning that the Entity is real enough to offer comment, Racine immediately ended our interview.

Elon Rejects Safer Car Battery, Claims It Would Make Newer Tesla Models Too Soy

BY Tyler Pehringer

AUSTIN, Texas — Tesla CEO Elon Musk has rejected a redesign for a more efficient battery, arguing that it would make the cars, “too soy,” sources confirm.

“Teslas are not for everyone. A Tesla should make their driver feel like Evel Knievel. You should go from enjoying a Sunday drive to Ghost Rider in a matter of seconds,” Musk stated at a recent X (formerly known as Twitter) town hall. “These cars were never made for wimps who just want to get to their destination. It’s the most woke thing I could think of honestly. These leftist cuck engineers need to go home and leave the manufacturing of these cars for those with some balls.”

Musk’s fans have come out to defend Elon’s recent statements.

“I didn’t buy a Tesla because I wanted a normal car. I bought a Tesla so I can practice my bomb defusal skills,” said Freddy Page, member and founder of the Greater Providence Tesla Owners Facebook group. “Do you think the Cybertruck was designed like that to look cool? Shows what you know. It was made so that the driver could feel like a loaf of bread being baked once the battery decides to go off.”

These sentiments have not been shared by every Tesla owner.

“I think it’s reasonable to want a car to…you know…not explode because the battery gets too hot,” said one recent Tesla purchaser who wished to remain anonymous. “Like, I don’t actively want to kill pedestrians, you know? I want an auto-pilot that will actually, like, pilot. Auto-style.”

At press time, Musk released a poll on X (formerly Twitter) asking what customers would prefer in a car. Six percent of respondents indicated that they wanted a big-dicked Tesla with a battery that will allow you to experience what it’s like to be on Venus, while 94% preferred a leftist soyboy sedan that could get you from Point A to Point B.