Hard Digest August 18: Early Access Influencers, Renovations, Amish Villages, and More

Estranged Influencer Couple Agree to Stay Together For the Algorithm

By Tim Sheard 

CHARLESTON, S.C. — Estranged husband and wife lifestyle influencer couple known as “The Wilsons” announced they had reconciled and agreed to stay together for the sake of the algorithm, friends force to help film content confirmed.

“It was a tough three months of soul searching, watching YouTube videos about therapy, and failed attempts at going solo which made me realize that deep down, Stan and I love our brand too much to destroy the favorable algorithm that has us at the top of everyone’s feed. We didn’t spend ten years staging and filming every private and public interaction we’ve had just to throw it all away because he won’t stop DM’ing underage girls,” said Lauren Wilson. “We agreed to give it another go for the sake of monetization, and that we can try to tolerate each other in front of the cameras. At least until most of our followers are in college.”

Friends of the couple voiced their disappointment about the reconciliation.

“I was actually happy when Lauren told me she had enough and I thought I was getting my friend back, but now we have to deal with this bullshit again. My partner and I stopped inviting them over because whenever she wasn’t hauling recording equipment and ring lights into my house, she would complain nonstop about how Stan is too lazy to edit their ‘date’ videos,” said Kelly Jones. “I don’t know how they can keep up this farce. They literally don’t talk to each other unless someone is recording. But I guess since they rely solely on getting free shit companies in order to maintain their lifestyle, SEO comes first.”

Couples counselors have seen an unsettling uptick in influencer couples attempting to reconcile.

“Our priority is to help couples find middle ground and grow together, but any pair with a lifestyle brand that comes into my office is 100% irredeemable. Seriously, I actually encourage them to break up. It’s hard to get to the root of the acrimony when you’ve got people with made up personas arguing over who gets mentioned more in their posts,” said Dr. Miriam Stein. “My advice is always for the couple to get as far away from each other and get real jobs and hobbies without filming every second of their existence. But most importantly, no one gives a crap about their lives.”

Upon their return to social media, Lauren and Stan announced they’d be sending their children to live with their grandparents after being unable to garner sufficient engagement on TikTok.

How To Appear Sympathetic When Your Boss Complains to You About Their Home Renovation Delays

By Rachel Hein

There’s an old saying: many a man doth take his lord for a fool, but he who mocks his lord works hard, and he who fools his lord, works long. Okay, that’s not actually a saying, but it should be. This is as much as to say, unfortunately, your boss’s plight is your own. And there comes a point in every boss’s career when they begin complaining to subordinates about their home renovation delays. We’re not totally sure why. We know it has to do with a general sense of ennui and dissatisfaction in lifestyle, work, and partnerships that they believe can be remedied by privacy hedges and rain shower heads. Nevertheless, these remodels always get delayed which allows your boss to become the victim in their own life. And your life will become a lot easier when you join in to lament their asinine problems and praise their personal sacrifice as they undergo hardship in this unrelenting world that only affects them.

Repress thoughts, feelings, dialogue…
The most important thing is that your boss hears themselves talk as they fixate on their beleaguered state, subjected to await completion of their wife’s Pinterest board carried out by underpaid highly-skilled laborers. You might not even know what a louvered pergola is or why an entire staircase needs to be moved to make way for a particular light fixture, but this is not a time to ask questions. In fact, what you say seldom matters. What you don’t say matters much more. This is no time to tell them your thoughts on the housing crisis or why private property ownership is the root of injustice and the foundation of self-alientation. Bite your tongue. Literally bite it if you have to. Bite it until it bleeds, but do not under any circumstances share anything that conflicts with or invalidates their “suffering.”

Imagine they live with monsters
You might wonder why your boss spends so much time complaining to you when they could be doing frankly anything else. You must remember that any time they spend at work bemoaning the lack of plunge pool in their yard or heated tiles in their bathroom is time they’d otherwise be forced to spend with their families. So it’s best to imagine their family as sadistic, blood-sucking humanoid monsters. Yes, even his four-year-old daughter. Imagine she’s a shapeshifting snake and you’ll find it less arduous to pity their plight being sequestered with such demons.

Treat their enemies as your enemies
You’ll hear them bring up the same names ad nauseum—usually a contractor or interior designer. These people are fair game, so feel free to bully them or use them as an object of ridicule. A good bet is to roll your eyes any time they’re brought up and scoff in a way that suggests, “I can’t believe this person is in charge or tying their own shoes, much less designing a home.” Really lay it on. Projecting arbitrary blame onto a third party is a great way to make your boss feel closer to you and gain their trust that you “get it.”

Let it fuel your murder fantasies
Sure it can be hard not to reflect on the time you were told to “hang in there” when you asked for a marginal raise to afford rent in your studio apartment while they rattle on about new travertine floors or knocking down original architecture for an open-concept hellscape. But reframe that thinking as fodder for revenge fantasies that help you sleep at night. For instance, think of the space that will open up for you to choke your boss with your bare hands and watch him gasp for his last breath before falling limp on his new Tuscan-inspired flooring. See? Now it’s fun!

With practice, you’ll master the art of suppressing every authentic thing about your lived experience to create a safe environment for your boss’s navel-gazing woes. Eventually, it’ll become so routine, you’ll stop seeing it as emblematic of the inequities in income distribution and limitless consumption generated by late-stage capitalism. And once you’ve finally succumbed, that’s when you’ll be up for a promotion!

Anarchist Makes It 3 Weeks into New Collectivist Compound Before Realizing They Accidentally Joined Amish Village

By Stephen Bell | August 19, 2024

RONKS, Penn. — Local anarchist and aspirational revolutionary Steven Franks felt foolish after discovering that he accidentally became part of an Amish village a full three weeks into his stay at a new “commune,” bearded sources confirmed.

“I joined this village because I believe the exploitative capitalist society we live in can only be taken down by embracing agrarian traditionalist means of communal production,” said Franks as he churned some butter. “The simple clothes these people wear help reject corporate logos and materialism, the horse and buggies reject the pollution that cars create, and the beards I figured were a statement about rejecting capitalist beauty standards. It wasn’t until I saw the people’s horrified looks after suggesting we have an orgy that I realized I joined the Amish because let’s face it, anarchists are just Amish people that fuck.”

The village elders were predictably stoic when asked about their decision to kick Franks out.

“We often have city folk who come to our village and ask to join,” said village elder Thomas Yoder. “We took compassion on this fellow due to his torn clothes and angry countenance because we believed he needed our compassion. He proved to be a good worker, but ultimately his fornicating ways and rejection of Jesus does mean he shall burn in hell for eternity and we couldn’t allow his corruption to plague our village. We’re going to tell him that he needs to go on Rumspringa soon and hopefully he doesn’t come back. Otherwise we will have to do the worst punishment of all, shunning. And who likes being ignored?”

Political Scientist at Penn State University Lauren Pryce talked about how common it is for anarchists to accidentally join various groups.

“Steven here definitely isn’t the first anarchist to join the Amish or any other number of seemingly unrelated groups,” explained Pryce. “For example, I’ve known anarcho-punks who joined the Promise Keepers because they thought they were just another group of straight edgers. There was the other one who joined the Gregorian monks because they wanted to include the chanting into their punk band, and finally I remember that one guy who accidentally joined NATO thinking it stood for Northern Anarchist Theater Organization. The point being: you’ll find anarchists in all sorts of strange places.

At press time, it was reported that Franks had accidentally become the libertarian candidate for President after going to the wrong anti-government convention.

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A24 Hires Classically Trained Actor in Role of Naked Old Guy Watching You From Treeline

BY Nik Theorin 

NEW YORK — Following weeks of speculation, A24 announced the star-studded cast of its upcoming horror film would be joined by an esteemed, classically-trained senior actor in the role of Naked Old Guy Watching You From Treeline, sources report.

“I’m beyond excited to tackle the role,” said Cecil Newton, a 68 year-old actor with a degree from the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art in London, whose storied career spans three decades of not exploiting his naked body for jump scare value. “Some parts are just made for certain actors, or maybe it’s more accurate to say some actors are just made for certain parts. That’s how this feels to me. Can you imagine Forrest Gump without Tom Hanks? Lincoln without Daniel Day-Lewis? Half-Nude Girl Pissing Herself in Kitchen without Alexyss Spradlin? So yes, you could say Naked Old Guy was a bit of a dream role. You know, no one wanted me to do nude scenes when I was young, that kind of thing just wasn’t done in my Hollywood. But now that my body has succumbed to the natural wasting of time, senior actors like myself are a hot commodity in the horror genre. A lot of my peers have been stuck playing wise old inmates and grandparent characters who suffer a health scare halfway through the movie to remind the protagonist not to lose sight of what’s really important, but now they’re booking all kinds of horror roles! My friend Art just landed the part of Old Man in Hospital Gown Who Smiles to Reveal Rotten Teeth in a new NEON film, and my wife Paula wrapped filming yesterday for her third consecutive role of Naked Grandma Barely Visible in Door Frame (Uncredited). The breadth of work available is really astonishing.”

“If I’d known it was this easy, I would’ve gotten naked and stood silently in the background of the scene years ago,” continued Newton, who originated the role of Hamlet in a 1989 production by The National Theatre. “I’m no prude. If audiences want to scare themselves silly at the sight of a regular 68 year-old body, let them. I’m laughing all the way to the bank— which is where I work to supplement my meager income.”

Newton isn’t the first to recognize the rise of senior nudity in horror cinema, with several critics reportedly tracing the phenomenon back to “Hereditary,” “It Follows,” and earlier films like “The Shining.”

“Horror has been a haven for the subversive and grotesque since the genre’s inception, which makes this recent focus on naked old guys all the more curious,” said Hailey Duncan, a psychologist who pays for Letterboxd. “There’s nothing inherently scary about a flaccid penis or butt cheeks so saggy they moonlight as coattails. The feeling you get looking at that isn’t terror or some primal fear response like mice have with cats. It’s something else. In psychology, we actually have a technical term for it: yucky. It feels yucky, just like super icky. It provokes an immediate chemical response in your brain my peers have taken to calling ‘Eww Christ is that a dong? I don’t wanna see that.’ In the context of such a visceral reaction, it’s easy to see how naked old men and grandma skittering across the ceiling with her cheeks flapping like the twin buns of Tatooine are dominating the silver screen right now.”

Though notoriously tight-lipped when it came to details about the film’s plot, A24 did tease several familiar faces would appear in unexpected roles that were sure to delight theatergoers.

“We are thrilled to be working closely with our creative partners to bring this incredibly special project to life,” said an A24 representative. “There are no small parts in cinema, which is why we’re happy to announce we’ve assembled a dream team of on-screen talent to play roles we know horror audiences will love— including Ellen Burstyn as Vacant-Eyed Nursing Home Resident, Riley Keough as Nude Body Facedown in Lake, and Messi as Dog Eating a Corpse. We can’t wait to begin filming, and to share this wildly entertaining chiller with audiences around the world next year, assuming we remember to market it.”

At press time, A24 hinted that following the success of NEON’s “Longlegs,” it would be making use of innovative, bold new tactics to promote its upcoming film, an approach the company described as “two moody trailers explaining nothing and then hope for the best.”