Hard Digest August 16: Early Access Burritos, Bill Maher, Tattoos, J.D. Vance, and More

Punk Foodie Can Tell Which Factory Gas Station Burrito Came From

By Tim Graham 

CLINTON, Mass. — Self-professed food connoisseur Noah Frawley boasts the unusual ability to determine the provenance of microwaved gas station burritos, according to mildly impressed sources.

“After years of eating nothing but cheap burritos, I’ve developed quite a sophisticated palate. For instance, I can tell this particular Tina’s bean and cheese came from the plant in Vernon, California,” said Frawley while rubbing refried beans on his gums. “That factory has a bit of a roach problem, and you can detect a faint hint of a pyrethroid pesticide, which adds a mild floral note. The one I had for breakfast originated at El Moneterey’s Frisco, Texas facility, where they use a certain red lithium industrial grease on their machines that imbues their products with an oaky bouquet. I’ll usually pair that one with a Four Loko Sour Grape.”

Those close to Frawley are concerned with the health effects of his limited diet, including the clerk at his local convenience store.

“I don’t know how that kid’s still standing,” said Cumberland Farms cashier Armand Stietz. “He comes in several times a day and all he gets are burritos and butts. Once I offered him a free orange to help stave off scurvy, but later I saw it in the trash outside. The other day I found him around back, groaning and clutching his stomach. I asked if I should call an ambulance, but he said he’s fine and asked if I could spot him some cash for a burrito. Of course, I’m used to seeing people ruin their lives with our products, but usually it’s with cigarettes, booze, and lottery tickets.”

Gastroenterologist Dr. Simone Chase has stern warnings for anyone whose diet consists solely of heavily processed junk food.

“If Mr. Frawley keeps eating like this he won’t last more than another few years,” said Dr. Chase. “His daily sodium intake alone is enough to bring down an elephant. It reminds me of the case where a young woman found dozens of Lean Cuisine Creamy Pasta Primavera dinners while dumpster-diving, which she subsisted on for weeks. What did that do to her body? Let me just say she’s just now re-learning how to walk. So, Mr. Frawley, if you’re listening: Quit the burritos, stat. Keep smoking if you need to but please, eat some goddamn vegetables.”

At press time, Frawley had been offered a consulting job with José Olé Burritos but refused on grounds of not wanting to “sell out.”

Help! I Was an Audience Member on “Real Time with Bill Maher” and Now My Sense of What to Clap for is All Fucked Up

By Ian Steffé 

Afew days into visiting a friend in California, we got free tickets to a taping of “Real Time with Bill Maher.” I guess my friend’s roommate is a page on the show. Anyway, we went as a joke but ever since, I keep clapping at weird times and I have no idea why.

The show was what you’d expect. The guests were Ben Shapiro, Newt Gingrich, and Gene Simmons and it was hours of lazy, softball jokes about trans people and “DEI” Kamala Harris. Initially, I was just rolling my eyes, but there was a chemical peppermint smell in the air and I started to feel… different. Like, I thought Islamophobia was bad, but during a new rule about how Palestinians needed to use deodorant, I was clapping next to everyone til my knuckles ached. And it seemed as the show went on, Bill seemed younger. Supple. His hairline looked fuller.

Days later I was on a plane heading home. When we landed I started to clap for the pilot, which I never do, but I was lagged. My girlfriend and I went out to dinner after, and when the waiter dropped a tray of glasses, I clapped, locking eyes with him and whistling. I was horrified but I couldn’t stop myself. I then clapped after I left a 7 percent tip. I clapped when my Uber driver almost hit someone in a wheelchair in the crosswalk. When we got home and I started having sex with my girlfriend, I lasted 30 seconds before clapping myself to sleep.

I never can predict what’s going to trigger it. I know I can’t hear the name “Joe Rogan” without going off. Another time I saw a viral video of a police officer playing a pickup basketball game with some teens and I clapped for an hour. Last night I woke up in my backyard clapping over a dead raccoon.

There’s more. I say “Kafkaesque” all the time. I pierced my ears because I thought it would impress the barista at Starbucks. I’m finding myself driving on the centerline of the road because I can’t commit to a side. I want to see a doctor, but I have this feeling I know more than they do. Whatever this is, it’s just the beginning. And I’m really scared. Even if I sound really smug while I’m saying it.

Parole Officer In Charge of Cataloging Hardcore Guys’ Tattoos Can’t Believe What She’s Writing

By Ryan Danley

NEW YORK — Local Parole Officer Janet Williams admitted she was in a state of disbelief while cataloging the “dumbest fucking tattoos” of hardcore music scene members, thick-necked sources report.

“I’ve seen a lot of tattoos in my 30 years as a PO, but dealing with these guys has been eye-opening. Each one is covered, with most of their oldest tattoos on their necks. Who gets their first tattoo on their neck? And these gang names—they’re all just initials. It’s so confusing,” said a flustered Williams. “Today alone, I noted six crossed baseball bats, a pit bull head, a black stallion, a whiffle ball, a ski mask riddled with bullet holes, 17 brass knuckles, a black-and-white figure on a cross, a Raggedy Ann Doll and nine shamrocks. And that’s all on one guy. One of his tattoos said, ‘Fuck Adam P.’ I asked him who Adam P. was, and he had no idea what I was talking about.”

While Williams may find this phenomenon surprising, local scene elder Robby ‘Curb’ Kowalski notes the importance of tattoos in the hardcore scene.

“Heyo, listen up. When I was coming up, if you wanted to be in the scene, you had to get a tattoo that implied you’d hurt someone. None of this meaningful trash about ‘representing your mom’s battle with cancer’ you see on the tattoo shows—just a tattoo that says you’ll beat a head in. Or that you’re an antiracist into unity. Either is cool,” said Kowalski while practicing his roundhouse kicks by the high school. “Of course, that was before the scene went to shit seven years ago. I got my first tattoo, a bloody switchblade when I was seven from a guy in a Lower East Side squat. Kids today are probably too busy listening to Turnstile on Spotify to get 40-year-old band logos tattooed on their faces. Sad state of affairs.”

Dr. Marjorie Abernathy, a Sociology Professor at Williamsburg Community College, thinks this is a non-issue.

“I know that hardcore guys look scary, but their tattoos are more like a peacock’s fanciful tail—if peacocks gathered in large groups, acted tough all the time, and lived in their mom’s basements,” said Dr. Abernathy. “Identifying markers like tattoos have been part of all tribes since the beginning of time. Throughout history, people without these markers are considered posers, and you can’t let that shit in the scene.”

Officer Williams was unavailable for further comment as she was being reminded of the struggle and the streets.

What Do Vets Do With All Of The Dog Testicles? Op-Ed By J.D. Vance

By Dan Kozuh

You know, folks, there’s a question that keeps me up at night, and I think it’s time we all start asking it out loud. What exactly do veterinarians do with all those dog testicles they’re so eager to remove? I’m talking about MILLIONS of canine gonads that get snipped off every year in this great country.

They call it “responsible pet ownership,” but I call it a convenient excuse to collect more and more dog testicles. And these corrupt far-left communist veterinarians don’t ever let us keep the testicles. Trust me, I’ve asked. Why can’t I, as a dog’s rightful owner, keep what’s mine? The answer, my friends, is more sinister than you might think.

Let’s do the math, shall we? There are an estimated 65.1 million households in the United States that own at least one dog. Assuming about half of those dogs are male, and considering that 85% of all dogs are neutered, this means there are just over 52 million neutered male dogs in the country. Since each dog has two testicles, we’re talking about 104 million dog testicles that have just vanished without a trace. It’s a staggering number, yet no one seems to care. Well, I do, and I think you should too.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But JD, don’t they just throw them away? Surely there’s nothing more to it.” Well, if that’s true, how come we don’t see them piling up at the dump? Where are the mountains of dog testicles that should be littering our landfills? I’ve checked, and they’re not there. I’ve staked out several vet clinics, waiting for medical waste pickup to haul away the testicles, but oddly the Kamala Harris run police force shows up and shoo me away!

There’s something deeply unsettling about the fact that billions of dog testicles are missing. And yet, the mainstream media is suspiciously silent on this issue.

Consider this: when was the last time you saw a vet’s finances? Exactly. These veterinarians are raking in cash, yet they expect us to believe they’re just in it to “help” our pets. Sounds fishy, doesn’t it? Meanwhile, they’re robbing us of our dogs’ testicles, turning around and selling them to the Russians to make hand grenades and premium vodka. It’s high time we demand some answers. As your Vice President, I will get those answers. We need to know what’s really going on behind those clinic doors.

So, I’m calling on all American patriots: don’t just hand over your dog’s testicles without a fight. Ask questions, demand answers, and remember, if it sounds too crazy to be true, that’s probably because they don’t want you to know it’s true. We’re being left in the dark, and it’s time to shine a light on this scandalous mystery.

Wake up, America!

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“Can’t End on an L”: National Suicide Hotline Sees Great Success with New Script Written for Gamers

BY Patrick OConnell 

ST. LOUIS —  The National Suicide Hotline is reporting all-time success thanks to the use of a new script written specifically for gamers.

988 Crisis Support Operator, Denise George, unveiled the promising new support script to her team with the intention of creating new protocols for assisting the demographic most vulnerable to the mental health crisis: Gamers.

“Nearly a third of our late night calls are from gamers,” George said in a press conference. “We were doing our best to talk them through whatever they were dealing with, reminding them that they have much to live for and people who care, but no matter how much we followed our training we didn’t know how to help someone who was ‘getting tilted’. So I tried a new approach. I spent an entire weekend doing research, standing outside my  son’s room while he played ‘Call of Duty: Warzone’ with his friends over discord. I listened to their conversations, their language, but more importantly I took note of how they comforted one another when experiencing distress. 

Experts agree, the key to helping gamers is through understanding.

“Despite the common belief that gamers are insecure, misanthropic manbabies, their language shows a surprising capacity for emotional intelligence,” said gamer psychologist, Chuck Ward.  “What a gamer refers to as ‘grinding’, the feeling of facing endless repetitive tasks for minute gains, is what we psychologists would call ‘depression’. So, I ask my clients if they feel like they’ve been grinding, or if anyone in their life is being a griefer, which is, well, my way of explaining abusive relationships to them.”

Since implementing George’s new call script, suicide rates among gamers have dropped nationwide.

“Often times they call because they want to ragequit IRL, they think I won’t understand what they’re going through because I’m a filthy casual, but with this new script I’m able to speak to them on their terms and remind them that we can’t end on an L. We can never end on an L.”

At press time, George’s breakthrough method has helped countless people and finally given hope for gamers and the family members wondering when they’ll come out of their room.

Lara Croft Accused of Setting Unrealistic Body Expectations for Archaeologists

BY Alex Vlahov 

SAN MATEO, Calif. — Popular video game character Lara Croft of Tomb Raider has come under fire, accused of setting unrealistic body expectations for active archeologists. 

“It has to stop. We are speaking up as a precedent to end body-shaming and promote body-positivity among archeologists,” director Cecil Dwyers of the Society for American Archaeology said in a statement. “It’s hard to believe, but this single video game character has led to so much suffering among our members. The cases of body dysmorphia have gone through the roof, not to mention the reported increase in therapy. Frankly, I blame the improved graphics. This was never a problem in Lara Croft’s ‘triangle boobs’ era.”

The pressure is felt by many across the field, including archeologist Louisa Altmeyer. 

“It’s hard enough spending all day in active dig-sites with a trowel in my hand, now we have to keep up with Lara Croft?” Altmeyer complained from her trailer in the high desert. “These excavation sites aren’t exactly glamorous, nothing like the destinations she explores. “Not only is there constant travel, but the early hours are a slog. How am I supposed to have a killer bod and toned abs if I spend most of my time writing grant proposals to secure additional funding? Not all of us can be out there sword-fighting skeletons or rappelling into tombs like Lara Croft.” 

Crystal Dynamics COO William Rochet addressed the controversy head on. 

“We hear you, and we need to do better. These archaeologist broads have really worn me down. So I guess we’re acknowledging the criticism, which is why Lara will be adjusted to reflect the so-called struggles of modern archeologists. Our current game will be updated to equip Croft with standard fieldwork attire, including long-sleeved flannel and baggy cargo pants under a high-visibility vest – all to completely obscure her body shape. The new Tomb Raider gameplay will focus on surveying landscapes or thoroughly documenting artifacts, featuring a more relatable Lara Croft furnished with a Patagonia sun hat and Gore-Tex boots.”

At press time, Crystal Dynamics are reportedly looking to phase out Lara Croft from the franchise and replace her with Eileen Schermerhorn, a middle-aged archeologist with sleep apnea and a bad knee.