Hard Digest August 14: Early Access Gentrification, Pits, Eulogies, and More

Second-Wave Gentrification Threatens To Price Out All of City’s Historic Microbreweries

By James Knapp 

SETSONVILLE, Md. — A recent influx of white people who are somehow even more wealthy and entitled than the last bunch caused area microbreweries to fear that they may soon be unable to afford their rents, sources wearing perfectly tailored flannel confirmed.

“It’s appalling how the little guy is always getting priced out. I’ve been a part of this neighborhood ever since the second half of the Obama administration, and I’ll be damned if I have to leave now,” proclaimed Gerry Hawksworth, owner of Twisted Taint Brewing Co. “I started this microbrewery with nothing more than my own two wealthy investors. What of them now? Even for those moneybags this new rent is exorbitant. The community really needs to rally around us as a cultural institution or else residents will be living in a trivia night desert.”

Gentrifier Mal Whiteman defended his right to live anywhere he damn well pleases.

“I don’t see why these pesky poors are so up in arms. Frankly, I’m providing a service by raising the value of every property in this neighborhood beyond a reasonable threshold,” explained Whiteman. “There’s too many so-called microbreweries around here anyway. Wouldn’t it be so much nicer if we replaced some or all of them with hard kombucha distilleries instead? Doesn’t matter, because I’m doing it anyway. And you can bet those little bottles will be $15 a pop.”

Despite growing concerns from the community about the forthcoming gentrification, political officials expressed opinions ranging from apathy to having their eyes turn into big cartoon dollar signs.

“I don’t give half a dog dammit if this city has historic microbreweries or unhistoric AA meeting centers as long as they pay whatever property tax we decide to throw at them this year,” said Mayor Klement Johnson, reading from a prepared statement earlier today. “Back when that first wave of rich goons decided to move in here because they thought these buildings had ‘good bones’ or whatever, I thought we couldn’t fly much higher than this. But if this new crop is gonna outprice the guys who think paying $14 for a weak IPA is a good deal, well, all I can say is ‘cha-ching!’”

At press time, microbreweries from the area united to fight housing inflation while also refusing their employees the right to unionize.

Opinion: How About We “Open up This Fucking Pit” to New Learning Experiences?

By Steve Packosky 

Boy, we sure are having a great time at this deathcore concert, aren’t we? These drop A tunings and inhaled death growls are really pumping me up, and I’m seriously considering heeding this ear-gauged singer’s urgings to take part in the mosh pit. I just ask that, while we all work to “open up this fucking pit,” so too will we promise to open our minds to new learning experiences. I’d say it’s about time we explore our options!

We can start right now, while we’re waiting for the breakdown to hit for the wall of death. Why don’t we brainstorm ways that we can use this experience to enrich ourselves going forward? For one, we can consider this the first step in building a lifetime exercise routine that will leave us focused, alert and more receptive to the benefits provided by future mental stimulation opportunities. Just be careful you don’t trip over the empty sixteen-ounce Miller Lite cans littering the ground during this newfound journey to self-actualization. Let’s keep this up!

Now we’re back to a conventional circle pit, but let’s not lose sight of the overarching goal here. Why don’t we make a promise to avail ourselves of educational services offered in our respective communities? Sure, hitting the pit and busting some fucking skulls is a fun way to pass the time now, but the skills we’d gain from taking a class on wild mushroom foraging would last us a lifetime. Or how about basic woodworking? Building even a rudimentary knowledge of the tenets of such a valuable trade can yield immeasurable rewards. Let’s make a mental note to research community college or public library course offerings at the first chance we get!

OK, the vocalist just kindly reminded us to “fucking kill each other” as the trem-picked riff over double bass kicked in, so we can let loose a bit and have a little fun. Afterward, though, I propose looking into organizing a little group to take a day trip to the Museum of Natural History. That guy in the Whitechapel shirt and flat-brimmed hat who’s vomiting into the trash can next to the chemical toilets seems like he would be absolutely fascinated by the various entomologic and mineralogic specimens of the Mesozoic era. We should ask him to join us once he’s sobered up!

As you can see, the prospects for mental growth stemming from these calls to beat the absolute shit out of one another are legion. With a little creativity, we might be able to transform the inevitable CTE from this type of behavior into a marginally less debilitating form of CTE. So what are we waiting for?

Unprepared Eulogist Opens with Webster’s Dictionary Definition of Death

By Laura Lewis 

RICHMOND, Va.— Local man Brent Gould shocked and confused all those in attendance at the funeral of his recently deceased friend when he opened his eulogy by reading the dictionary definition of death, multiple sobbing sources confirmed.

“That was a disaster. When I finished nobody clapped or anything, and everyone has been trying to avoid being seen with me. Even my wife and parents,” said the offending speaker, 28-year-old Brent Gould. “And I realize now that I should not have used the same approach I used for my best man’s speech at my brother’s wedding to give my best friend’s eulogy. It didn’t work with death the way it worked with love.I get that now. To be fair, knowing that death is defined as, ‘the action or fact of dying or being killed’ did give me some closure, personally.””

Opinions of friends and family members regarding the incident ranged from incredulous to indifferent.

“Out of all of Charlie’s friends, Brent would not have been my first choice to give the remarks,” admits Marilyn Fountain, mother of the deceased. “But it was my son’s dying wish. Maybe it was the head trauma from the car accident that caused him to make such a foolish request, or maybe it was just to piss us all off one more time. I’ll never know. The worst part to me wasn’t even the dictionary, it was the fact he stopped at least five times to vape, and then spilled water into the coffin.”

A spokesperson from the funeral home says eulogists are often disappointing and offers an upgraded package for anyone interested.

“We at A Farm Upstate Funeral Co pride ourselves on our comprehensive service packages. Among these are eulogy writing and editing by professional writers who are well versed in the art of the farewell,” said funeral home director Madeline Wabash. “I’ve confirmed with our team that these services were made available, but were not utilized by the client. I think that was abundantly clear given he sounded like a freshman in college trying to cram a final paper.”

At press time, Gould insisted that he would take no further questions, stating, “if you’ll excuse me, I need to go edit my toast for my sister’s cesarean section next week.”

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Gabe Newell Declines Generous Threesome Offer

BY Nick Coffman 

Bellevue, Wash. – Following previous reports that Gabe Newell had been propositioned by a local couple for a threesome, Newell has confirmed that he turned down the generous offer.

Newell cited his guiding principles which led to him turning down the deal in a Twitch stream. 

“This couple’s been trying to get me to participate with them for the last 17 years,” Newell said, stroking his sexy beard with his even sexier hand. “It’s not that I’m opposed to ever having a threesome, but if I’m going to do it I want to reinvent the threesome as we know it. I want to change the threesome game to the point where you can’t help but think of me as you’re preparing to penetrate your partners.”

Newell’s stream continued with him discussing his previous works and how they revolutionized numerous bedroom endeavors.

“No one was sitting on their hands before I did it. I don’t like to brag about it, but I invented ‘The Stranger’,” Gabe bragged. “Then years later, I followed up that innovation with sex that changed the way we thought about physics in sex. The movement and the gravity involved were revolutionary. Each of my lovers came away from it a new person.”

These words echoed across the internet as many learned what most already assumed to be true about the very sexy billionaire. Not all agreed though, as one of Newell’s former lovers took to r/OffMyChest to detail their love affair with the Valve Co-Founder.

“For a guy who co-founded Valve, he sure did struggle to find my valve. Don’t get me wrong, the sex was great, but it would have been better if he’d stop trying to innovate and spend more time in the moment,” user GabenUpOnLove wrote on Reddit. “Gabe is a beautiful spirit and I think of him often while I’m in the throes of passion. I just hope he knows he doesn’t need to reinvent the threesome and can just enjoy it for what it is.”

At press time Newell had decided to revisit a classic and proceeded to sit on both of his sexy hands. 

New Study Confirms Falling Birth Rate Directly Caused by Atreus

BY Matt Fresh 

BETHESDA, Md. — A new study by the National Institutes of Health has confirmed that the decline of global birth rates has been directly caused by Atreus of the God of War series.

The rapid decline of birth rates across the globe, especially in wealthier nations has been a problem that has stumped experts until now.

“There are so many possible factors involved in a problem as widespread as this that it really could have come down to anything,” said head NIH researcher Yarden Angel. The big breakthrough for us was when we noticed 2 very similar dips a few years apart. We tried to find what two events occurred within the timeframes that could be a cause and when we realized the first dip happened a couple weeks after God of War released for the PS4 it wasn’t hard to figure out that the even steeper drop four years later was God of War Ragnarök.”

Angel says that after careful research, cross data examination, and focus group tests, they determined that the element of both of these games that caused the decline is Atreus.

“We looked at all the data we had, we cross-checked everything with data that game researchers had and we had focus groups come in. The logical conclusion that we came to and that was confirmed by our research is that Atreus is the main cause of declining birth rates since 2018. Even people who didn’t play those games were still so annoyed by Atreus that they decided to never have children for fear they would turn out like him. That character may well be the cause of the greatest population crisis in human history.”

Upon the study being published, gamers came out in mass to declare how much sense it makes in hindsight.

“I always knew that the reason I never wanted kids is because of that annoying little twerp. But I assumed that was just me and the reception to him was generally positive. It all makes perfect sense now because honestly who would ever want children after they’ve spent hours trying to enjoy a God of War game while being incessantly badgered by an annoying kid who never shuts up,” wrote user TiltedTowerofPisa on Twitter.

“Me and my wife were expecting our first born while we played through Ragnarök and once we finished it we went out and got her an abortion so I’m really not surprised by this study,” tweeted user KDGamer

At press time, NIH claim that if Santa Monica Studio do not drastically rework Atreus’ character for the third game, the population may never recover.