Hard Digest August 13: Gold Medals, Early Access Squatting, Friendships, The Eagles, and More

Olympian Excited to Return Home With Gold Medal and Pawn It For Rent Money

By Dan Kozuh 

BALTIMORE, Md. — 23-year-old Olympic champion Erica Webb’s triumphant return home was filled with fanfare and excitement as she can’t wait to pawn her newly-won gold medal to cover her overdue rent, according to sources close to the athlete.

“I’ve worked my whole life for this moment and have been paid about $1400 net for those decades of dedication to the sport of badminton,” Webb said while waiting at Nicholson Gold & Paw for her symbol of talent and hard work to be weighed and appraised. “And now, I finally get to use it for something truly practical, rent money. With bills piling up, this symbol of the apex of human athleticism is the perfect solution to my financial woes. It’s not every day you get a chance to make a real impact with your achievements.”

Brad Thorson, Henderson’s landlord, expressed understanding, albeit with a touch of irony.

“I mean, I think I have been pretty lenient all things considered. I let slide on some rent by stealing her TV as collateral,” Thorson said, waiting outside the pawn shop to collect his money. “It’s not everyday you can say you have an Olympic gold medalist living in your building. Actually–now that we do have an Olympic gold medal winner in the building, I can raise the rent. Everybody wins!”

Dr. Helen Reed, a sports psychologist, pointed out that Henderson’s decision reflects broader issues within the sports industry.

“For some athletes, the excitement of winning a gold medal is accompanied by the security of financial stability in the form of sponsors and endorsement deals,” Dr. Reed explained. “But the athletes in the, shall we say, less popular events, especially female athletes, often find themselves grappling with everyday financial struggles. Wheaties doesn’t necessarily sponsor archers and kayakers, and, unfortunately for Ms. Webb, badminton players.”

As of press time, Webb stated she hopes to take on a third part-time job to cover the crushing debt from having to pay her own way to Paris.

Guy Secretly Living in Walls of Practice Space Accidentally Shouts Song Request

By Joe Rumrill

EASTHAMPTON, Mass. — A longtime inhabitant of the drywall space behind the practice area of indie garage band Oyster Boys audibly requested a song at the risk of revealing himself, sources confirmed while looking around as if to say “who said that?”

“Cover blown, folks. I repeat, cover blown! It was my own fault for getting to know their setlist too well, man. Not to brag, but I’ve been successfully camping out rent-free in the space between walls of where these dudes rehearse. I definitely risked the sweet set-up I got going by shouting out ‘The Codeine Creep,’” said squatter Gerard Roswell, at a hushed whisper. “But, c’mon, it’s my favorite song of theirs! I didn’t want them to skip it! But now I’m shaking in my boots that they’re going to call a building inspector on me just when I’ve gotten the hang of sleeping standing up with my left arm resting on a girder. Goodbye life of luxury, I guess!”

Band members report an agreed upon suspicion that the space has been haunted for years.

“I never wanted to believe the spooky rumors until now. I like to think I have a pretty airtight lock on reality, and don’t go in for any of that X-Files shit, but we all heard it clear as day. Even over the amp feedback,” said rhythm guitarist Mick “Puff” Daragon, as his eyes darted around the room at every creak or rustle. “Needless to say, we heeded the voice’s order and played ‘Creep’ the best we’d ever played it, even with, or perhaps because of, the shivers in our spine. Oh, and then we heeded his other order too. The one to bring it some protein-rich food and ‘fresh piss bottle’ the next time we got together.”

Federal paranormal investigators were called in, but reported a less-than-otherworldly phenomenon.

“Oh, these kids have a hider in their walls. Likely a fellow male twenty-something who doesn’t want to be a part of regular quote-unquote ‘society’ and is figuring life out while sleeping in the crawlspace of this building. Who are we to blow up his spot? Hell, we admire the guy,” said Special Agent Carol Clemons, FBI. “We’re gonna follow government protocol which states ‘blame it on poltergeists’ and we’ll just encourage the band to turn their amps up louder and ignore everything else. See, the government helps sometimes. We told you so!”

At press time, another, totally different hider living in the crawlspace under the first hider was afraid to comment on the developing story, lest he be found out.

I Know I Never Listen To You Or Care About Your Life, But That’s The Price You Pay For Befriending An Artist!

By Jay Wells L'Ecuyer 

So, I’m telling the other servers I work with about this chick I nailed after my set last night, when they suddenly confront me about my self-involvement! Can you believe they had the balls to talk back to me? Me! A singer in a band! Like, sorry I never listen or ask about whatever lame shit you do. That’s just the price you pay for hanging out with an artist who does cool shit like open for Barnaby and the Riders on a Tuesday night at Dino’s Bar and Grill!

Since it seems like my stories will now be met with responses, I needed to find a medium where no other perspective could be voiced but mine… This article. So to you, my non-artist civilian friends who’ve seen me do my thang on stage and somehow think you deserve a similar word count, why can’t you just sit back and enjoy the show that is my life? After being in the weeds for an entire dinner shift, don’t you just wanna crack a beer and hear all about my vocal range and the few positions I had that chick in last night?!

I just want to help put a little spice in their boring lives. So they can then brag to their friends that they have an insanely cool friend who met Wes Borland in 2006. I guess it’s my way of giving back to the little people. Man, I should honestly have my own reality show.

It’s like they can somehow see that instead of actually listening, I’m wracking my brain for a cool story after hearing a decent keyword. Like yesterday, my buddy who works in marketing or accounting or some business-y shit said he was at a rocky stage in his life. So I burst in with a sick story about how I banged my drummer’s girlfriend when he was in the hospital.

I thought I had this seamless ability to steer every conversation towards my creative process, so this is actually pretty scary. Like, if my work friends could somehow crack my code, can everyone else?! It looks like I’ll have to be a little more subtle. Gross!

Oh my god, I think I’m starting to understand. It’s like they’re the main character in the story of their lives, and to them, what they do is just as interesting as what I do. Can you even believe the ego on these clowns? That is a serious lack of self awareness right there. So to them, and any other civilian reader, maybe turn some of this newfound awareness inwards and realize that if you wanna kick it with rock stars, you’re gonna have to pay the price of silence. Don’t worry, we definitely have a cooler story than you locking down the Johnson account or whatever it is you do.

Punk and Jock Unaware They’re Bonding Over Hating Completely Different Eagles

By Joe Rumrill 

FERNDALE, Mich. — Two former strangers seated together on a Megabus ride found common ground through despising the Eagles despite one referring to the band and the other the football team, astonished sources confirmed.

“I try not to judge anyone too harshly on first looks, but I’ll be honest, with his crewcut and brand new ‘Fuck the Phillies’ shirt, I thought I wasn’t gonna like this guy. But, it turns out he despises the Eagles just as much as I do!” said punk rock lifer Gunther Bergins. “Sure, he seems a bit confused when I talk about how overplayed they are on the radio, but he was on board. He was much more enthusiastic when I started talking about the Saints. Again, I didn’t figure him for a fan of Australian punk, but it just goes to show you! I gotta get this guy to make me a mix!”

Bergins’ seatmate Harlan Klein was just as dubious of his unlikely companion at first glance.

“I thought the freaks come out at night, not 9:45 in the morning, if you get what I’m saying. But, my mouth was shut as soon as he started popping off on those damn Birds. I’m a Saints man, understand?” said Klein, as he showed off his Drew Brees tattoo just out of sight of Bergins. “I just feel comfortable talking to the guy, what can I say? Plus, he likes basketball too, I guess, what with how enthusiastic he was about seeing the Sonics back in the ‘90s. Although, I’m not sure where he gets off saying ‘their sound started back in the ‘60s.’ Don’t all basketballs pretty much sound the same? Ah, whatever, maybe he’s had a few beers, and hopefully he’s sharin’, am I right?”

Overhearing their entire conversation, the driver of the Las Vegas bound bus was the only person who knew the true story.

“These two dummies have been talking about totally different subjects the entire ride, and I’m apparently the only one who realizes it. I’ve almost taken a wrong turn a half dozen times just because I’m so flabbergasted that they haven’t figured it out by now,” said bus operator Fannie Pritchard. “I wish I could place a bet on how this shakes out. Will their friendship make it to Vegas? Only time will tell. I’m hoping for the best, but in my experience, punks and sports fans don’t mix. But, then again, maybe they can bond over their love of violence after they’re exposed. Either way, I’m just hoping I don’t have to pull over and ditch them on the side of the highway.”

At press time, the budding friendship was still inadvertently going strong after the two got on the subject of Modern Baseball.

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Krafton Digs Lightly Used Tango Gameworks Out of Microsoft Dumpster

BY Nick Coffman 

REDMOND, Wash. — Tango Gameworks’ shuttering has been reversed after Krafton CEO, Changhan Kim, found the game studio in a dumpster behind Microsoft’s headquarters. Kim discovered the recently tossed out game developer while doing his monthly dumpster dive of competing publishers.

“Look at this, they just threw out the entire studio. It’s still got that up-and-coming studio smell,” Kim said as he pulled another coder from the dumpster. “Wow, a full set of coders. You clean these up and get them fed and you can easily get another twenty to thirty years out of them. Holy crap—there’s a brand-new game designer in here. He’s still got his HR training folder and everything.” 

Kim’s search lasted hours as he pulled Tango Gameworks out piece-by-piece. Kim’s efforts yielded an entire Q/A department, an assortment of audio and visual artists, and “Hi-Fi Rush” Lead Director, John Johanas, the latter of which left Kim a bit disappointed.

“This John Johanas is like new, but I can’t use him if I don’t have the IP,” Kim said, dusting a banana peel off Johanas’ head. “I see it all too often with these publishers. They extract the IP from these little shops before discarding them. It sucks ‘Hi-Fi Rush’ isn’t out here, but a free studio is a free studio. I can find something for them to work on in the PUBG Extended Universe.”

Kim’s prolonged search eventually attracted the attention of Xbox administrators, who were not too keen on competition digging through their trash. CEO of Microsoft Gaming, Phil Spencer, approached the impromptu treasure hunt with heated words for Kim.

“You can’t just steal our trash for nothing,” Spencer said, wearing a “Hi-Fi Rush” t-shirt as he approached the dumpster. “If you really want this studio, make me an offer that rocks my Voodoo Vince socks. Make it a sweet enough offer and I might be nice enough to throw in an IP or two. Just remember, this is an up-and-coming studio with a high trajectory. ‘Hi-Fi Rush’ was a breakout hit for us and our players in all key measurements and expectations. We couldn’t be happier with what the team at Tango Gameworks delivered with this surprise release. So, how much are they worth to you?”

At press time, Kim had turned his attention to the dumpsters at Sony’s campus, hoping to scrounge up some near-mint Bungie concept artists.

HBO Executive Kills Off Promising New Animated Series and the Animator That Came up With It

BY Harpal Khosla 

LOS ANGELES — In an effort to make sure quality work does not continue, HBO executives have killed off a promising new animated series and, for good measure, the animator that came up with the idea in the first place.

“Anything creative or interesting has no right to continue on our network, or for that matter in this corporeal plane,” says HBO Executive Anthony Frunze. “It’s not personal at all. It’s just against HBO’s culture to put out quality, innovative animation. In fact, I didn’t even watch it. I just heard people saying a lot of nice things, and I have never heard people describe me that way so I blacked out. The next thing I knew I was standing over the body of a talented, lifeless animator.” 

The animator’s body was found by an individual who wished to be identified as Tyler Kim, who claimed to have worked on the show. The corpse was clutching a very unique character concept for what would have been introduced in the show’s second season. 

“I really loved working on this project. I remember when we were working on the climax of the show it made me cry and laugh out loud and that’s when I knew that our lives were in danger,” said Kim. “I’m currently on the run, but I know it’s only a matter of time. I’m just glad I didn’t get a producer credit on this. It puts me lower on the kill list.”

Expert employee killer and former Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun was shocked at the news.

“I understand killing for profit or personal gain, that’s just human, but to destroy art is unfathomable and monstrous,” said Calhoun. “Art helps us heal from our spiritual wounds and loss. Like the death of the only ethical employees at Boeing. That hit me hard, when I made that happen, and this TV show really helped me get through it.”

At press time, Anthony Frunze was observed cocking a gun and entering a pitch meeting.