thehardtimes

Hard Digest August 8: Early Access Rotten.com, Joe Biden, Rob Thomas, and More

Added 2024-08-09 00:00:07 +0000 UTC

Harvard Study Concludes that 100% of Millennials Have Rotten.com-Related PTSD

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Researchers at Harvard University determined that 100% of Millennials suffer from PTSD linked to exposure to the website rotten.com, confirmed sources who even winced upon hearing the name said out loud.

“I wish we had never done this,” confessed Dr. Tyler Brink, the leading researcher of the project. “We were trying to get to the bottom of why an entire generation of 75 million people are so bleak and joyless. Sure, you could point to anything, like the lack of economic prospects and affordable housing, college debt, social media, or the fact that as children they watched that scene from ‘The NeverEnding Story’ where the horse drowns in the swamp. But we found that as we kept going backwards to the first moment, rotten.com was the primary culprit. I don’t know why it never occurred to anyone because it’s so obvious.”

Millennials weren’t terribly shocked to learn about the discovery.

“Well, I guess that does make sense,” said 37-year-old Mark Gallagher, as he stared blankly at the floor. “Everyone brings up how they wish they could go back to the late ‘90s when there was a surplus and 9/11 hadn’t happened yet. But that was also around the time when my friends dared me to go on rotten.com. Pictures of Severed hands? Videos of people jumping off skyscrapers? Old man soup? I was 14 and I didn’t know any better. But now that we’re talking about it, I’m going to need to take a really, really long cry in the shower because I thought I blocked all that shit out.”

The developer of the now-defunct website, who goes under the pseudonym Soylent, was proud of the statistic.

“Oh my God, 100% trauma. That’s fucking great,” said the developer between bites of pig’s feet and hardboiled eggs. “Everyone was wastin’ their time bitching about Marilyn Manson hurting a generation. All I started with was a dream, some basic coding, and a couple of Dixie Cups of diarrhea. I could get into kids’ nightmares no problem. Shit like Pain Olympics, Lemon Party, and Blue Waffle? I walked so they could run, bro. And while I’d like to think I did it for freedom of speech, I’ve realized it was all because I hate every single one of you.”

As of press time, Harvard researchers were already onto their next study to determine why podcasts about murder are considered to be so relaxing.

If Joe Biden Doesn’t Close the Border How Can I Comfortably Live in Rural South Dakota

By Chris Bratton

You can’t turn on the damn TV without seeing ‘those’ people pouring over the border these days. They stomp their muddy feet on the doormat, kick the door open and come get comfy in our home. And hell, Joe and Kamala are leaving out snacks for them in the kitchen, putting fresh sheets on the bed, leaving get-out-of-jail cards for their heroin and permission slips to sex our woman.

As South Dakotans we have done our part to help people; we took a group who could care less about our beautiful Mount Rushmore and gave them protected reservations. We should have been the ones with reservations though, because they thanked us by getting all BLM protest-y when we tried to slip a little pipeline through. Oil is the blood we run on, who wouldn’t want to be close to a vein? And it’s easy to see that both groups have some, eh, physical similarities.

Not to mention, a few years ago, we dealt with another invasion and barely made it through. Our fine state was overrun with stupid New Englanders and lefty Californians, all here to see where HBO’s “Deadwood” filmed. You ever seen a mining museum get turned into a Starbucks? And with these fence hoppers who knows what the Starbucks gets turned into, and is there a Mexican version of “Deadwood” heartthrob Timothy Olyphant? Because that actually sounds nice. I would split a steak and can of beans off the campfire with a Mexican Timothy Olyphant, set up a little cozy camp spot in the Badlands. I don’t agree with homosexuality, but c’mon.

You also have to realize Wall Drug is probably the best goddamn roadside store in our great nation. And you mean to tell me that soon, when I get my 5 cent coffee, someone from Cartel-ville Mexico is going to ring me up at the counter then kill me? I can’t and I won’t! If anyone is gonna murder me it’s gonna be me, because I drink in the Black Hills and drive home A LOT! Add a bunch of Ford Pintos and some of those weird car-trucks and that’s way too many obstacles for me to safely drunk-drive home.

Please! If you don’t believe me that they are coming for you, check my sources; Eric Trump’s Twitter page, any Meme from Libs of TikTok, and Ben Shapiro’s Onlyfans.

Rob Thomas Announces Divided Nation Needs a Little of That Ol’ Rob Thomas Magic

By Nathan Kamal

BEDFORD, N.Y. — Matchbox Twenty lead singer and primary songwriter Rob Thomas announced that the United States of America, a divided nation caught in a chaotic and disturbing time period, needs a little of that ol’ Rob Thomas magic, confirmed sources who thought he might actually have a point.

“My fellow Americans,” began Thomas. “Our beautiful country is deeply unwell, to use the poetry of my own 2002 Billboard Hot 100 top five hit. We are alienated from our fellow citizens by extremist politics, the rising threat of global fascism, a disturbing trend toward White Nationalism clothed in the language of religiosity, and subpar modern soft rock hits. Despite this, I truly believe that everybody’s trusting in their heart, and though sometimes you can still lose even if you really try, it’s time for me and maybe a backup band to bring back some of my alternative pop rock magic to heal our fractured collective psyche.”

Matchbox Twenty and solo Thomas fan Devin Stanton was thrilled to hear that the composer of “Long Day” was prepared to do his part to revitalize a country seemingly caught in a never-ending spiral of anxiety and gloom.

“I haven’t felt like this since Rob showed up on ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’ with Sinbad,” said Stanton. “The full-throated enthusiasm, the vital energy tinged with melancholy, the universal accessibility of vaguely personal lyricism; that guy from Matchbox Twenty is just the thing this country needs to be made whole again. In fact, I might just go out right now and get some small gold hoop earrings to remind myself of the magic that is the man who wrote ‘Push’ in the mid-90s.”

United States Vice President and prospective Democratic Party nominee Kamala Harris was swift to praise Thomas and his plan to revitalize the country.

“Rob is one of America’s greatest living songwriters,” said Harris. “His songs exist in the context of all in which the U.S. lives, which is to say, the feeling of being 22 and going through kind of a hard breakup. Unlike my opponents in the GOP, I have been a fan of Rob’s since ‘Tabitha’s Secret’ and own a first-edition vinyl of ‘Yourself or Someone Like You.’ I doubt Trump can even name three Rob Thonas songs. That’s why we are known as the party of Matchbox Twenty. We say this to Rob: what can be, unburdened by what has been, is the kind of lovin’ that can be so smooth.”

At press time, Thomas was surrounded by a group of joyful, attractive Americans dancing in the street as Carlos Santana waited by the phone.

Every Character From “Labyrinth” Ranked by Their Appearances in Our Bizarre, Confusing Sex Dreams

A Look Inside the Booming Red Barrel Industry

BY Laura Lobo

SKULL-SHAPED ISLAND — From explosive container to evil lair decoration staple, despite initial skepticism from analysts, red explosive barrels don’t seem to be going away any time soon and those in the industry are reaping the rewards of the booming business..

“When we started out making those barrels, our goal couldn’t be farther away from what it became,” said CEO and founder of Bomb Barrel Inc. Luke E. Martin. “We just didn’t know how much our usual market share of space fascists and international terrorists were ignored when it came to decorative pieces that really speak to them.”

Despite being known to be prone to accidents, public opinion stands positive on the newest ornamental classic.

“My cousin Terry did end up passing away due to a red barrel explosion, but what can I say, it’s not like he was going to last much longer if the damn thing wasn’t there,” claimed terrorist and red barrel advocate Henchman #8056. “It’s really anxiety-inducing to just wait for the armed soldier guy to just come over and kill us all, so the barrel does help us chill a bit. It kinda brings a whole vibe to the room, just a really cool thing to have laying there.”

An early adopter of decorative red barrels, criminal mastermind Ivo Caricatutti, cites it as a major reason for the recent surge in employee morale.

“While I did buy my first few barrels for, let’s say, fairly different purposes, they showed their worth as decorative pieces quite soon” said Caricatutti. “Despite their usual lack of culture, while transporting the containers to where we would usually keep them, one of my men remarked on how it looked and, as they say, a broken clock indeed is right twice a day.”

“These barrels, there’s just a subtle je ne sais quoi in their composition, one that surprisingly, even the common man can grasp and appreciate. Truly impressive craftsmanship.” Caricatutti added.

Confirming rumors, Bomb Barrel revealed there are plans to expand their line-up.

“We’re hoping to come out with a lot of new stuff for red barrel fans. We’re hoping to ship our newest green acid barrels really soon, even if you don’t like barrels, exploding red crates are coming out early next year.” said Martin “We’re aiming to always keep bringing our best, with more variety but still keeping the passion and deep respect for our customers that made us what we are today.”

At press time, Bomb Barrel has yet to respond to requests for the production of non-explosive red barrels.