Hard Digest August 5: Early Access Mugshots, New Genres, Statues, and More

Metalhead Asks if He Can Change Into Morbid Angel Shirt Before Taking Mugshot

BY DAN KOZUH 

CLEARWATER, Fla. — Local metalhead Rickey Ray Reynolds asked officers if he could change into his favorite Morbid Angel t-shirt before his mugshot was taken after being arrested for public intoxication, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest late Saturday night, police records report.

“It’s not every day you get a professional photo taken that’s going to be plastered all over the newspapers. Every time I was arrested before this I was either shirtless or my shirt got shredded in the scuffle,” said Reynolds, brushing out his long hair in the cramped police station’s booking area. “This time I am going to make it count. I want to showcase my real self and make sure my mugshot screams ‘metal’ and not some poser that got arrested for tax evasion or some shit. After all, how often do you get a chance to immortalize yourself in the pages of history with your favorite band shirt?!”

Sargent Rick Copeland, Reynolds’ arresting officer, remarked on the peculiar request.

“Honestly, I’ve never seen someone so excited about getting their mugshot and I live in Florida,” Copeland said after driving Reynolds to his apartment to retrieve the shirt. “He kept talking about how Morbid Angel might see the photo and be impressed. We actually indulged him because this was his third strike, so he won’t be getting another mugshot taken for quite some time. But now he’s taking forever because he can’t decide between his ‘Blessed Are the Sick’ album shirt or his ‘American Heretic’ Tour shirt.”

Dr. Ellen Fairfax, a fashion expert and connoisseur of personal expression, weighed in on the importance of incorporating personality into one’s attire.

“It’s crucial to infuse your fashion choices with your personality, especially when others will be scrutinizing the outcome – no matter how dire the situation,” Dr. Fairfax explained. “Everyone remembers David Bowie’s glamorously chic mugshot from 1976, no one even remembers why he was arrested. Reynolds’ decision to rock a Morbid Angel shirt in his mugshot is a bold statement. In the realm of personal branding, even a mugshot can be an opportunity to express yourself.”

As of press time, Reynolds had managed to sneak his beloved Morbid Angel shirt into prison and now wears it under his orange coveralls.

How I Pioneered a New Genre by Being Bad at Playing My Favorite Genre

BY MATT MCINERNEY 

Ican remember hearing “Revolver” for the first time. I stole my dad’s guitar off the wall and tried to play along. He walked by and asked, “Is that The Monkees?” I’ve always wanted to play like my heroes. I just never could.

I started my first band in middle school. All we wanted to do was play sick Clapton licks. And we kind of did—at quarter speed. I figured I’d speed it up eventually, but by the time our first show arrived, still no luck. Instead, we just cranked our gain to ten so no one could tell what we were playing. As a slow, sludgy sound rang through the room, not a soul knew it was a cover. Not even a young Tony Iommi who stood in the back, wide-eyed.

I played in dozens of rock bands in the decades to follow but eventually, I moved on to a jazz quartet. I should have known four arrhythmic white guys wasn’t a great idea. Every practice was a cacophony of random time signatures and abrupt tempo changes. One day I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I started screaming over the noise. As I shouted, a man wandered by our space. “What do you call this new sound?” he asked. I didn’t have an answer. “It’s like nothing I’ve ever heard. Can you even count to four? You had math in your core curriculum, right? Hey, that’s got a ring to it. Anyway, my name’s Marvin.” He rushed to a payphone to call his cousin Chuck Dillinger to tell him about this ‘mathcore.’

We had a good run, but I got tired of failing so publicly. Eventually, I gave up bands altogether and began my ambient solo career. I figured my first show would be easy—just play MP3s from my laptop. What could go wrong? I plugged in my MacBook, but I couldn’t stop it from buzzing through the sound system. As the volume went up, I froze as the harsh wall of noise washed over the audience. I just wanted to hide my face. And yet, somehow people liked it. So they just kept booking me.

It’s still embarrassing, so I’ve started wearing a bag over my head. Even the audience started doing it too. You’d think eventually I’d figure out the USB cables, but no luck yet. At least ticket sales aren’t bad.

City Builds Statue of Homeless Man Sleeping On Bench to Keep Homeless From Sleeping on Bench

BY JOSH BAUMGART

AUSTIN, Texas — The Austin city government placed a bronze statue of a homeless man sleeping on a bench in an effort to raise awareness about the housing crisis and keep unhoused people from sleeping on the bench, confirmed baffled sources.

“These monuments depict the struggle of homelessness and serve as a reminder that we’ve got people out here sleeping on the streets. Just not this bench, on this particular street, because I happen to live right next to this park and I use this bench to play Wordle when my wife is being mean to me. It’s my escape,” said Alderperson Quincy Douglas “We’re also outlawing panhandling and providing QR codes that people can donate to help the homeless. All donations will go through the proper bureaucratic channels, be taxed as income, and ensure efficient delivery of funds directly benefiting the unhoused, like hiring more police.”

Local congregations applauded the city’s action, with some clergymen promising to match the efforts.

“We think this statue is a beautiful gesture and we love it so much that we’re going to do a similar dedication with the church steps,” said Pastor Walter Moss. “Our plan is to add dedicative spikes on the church steps to symbolize how hard and painful it is to experience homelessness. We’re also hosting a barbeque to raise awareness for the issue. Proceeds from each rack of ribs sold will go directly to the church so that we can more effectively make people aware that there are people that are homeless.”

Local citizens were convinced they were also helping the unhoused community.

“I do my part by using people-first language and donating money to the artist that creates the statue to raise awareness,” said concerned citizen Kyle Grey. “Another thing I like to do is film myself going around town and giving iPads to people living in their cars or encampments. I pretend that I’m homeless myself and I ask them for money. When they try to help, I say ‘psych’ and I give them an iPad. That’s really got my TikTok popping off and I’m hoping to transition to world travel videos in undeveloped nations soon. You know, do the same thing in like, Mozambique.”

At press time, the city announced plans to build a memorial iron tent city under the bridge to commemorate the people who lived there prior to the police’s sweep.

RFK Jr. Reveals He Killed Banjo & Kazooie, Dumped Bodies at Microsoft

BY MATT FRESH 

WASHINGTON — In a bizarre video posted to Twitter, Robert Kennedy Jr. has admitted that he is the one who killed beloved gaming icon Banjo and his bird sidekick Kazooie before dumping their bodies at Microsoft headquarters.

“It’s a funny story actually. I was on the hunt for a honeycomb to provide my brain worm with sustenance and this goofy bear in pants with a bird in his backpack wandered up,” regaled Kennedy in a strange attempt to get ahead of a future scandal. “Well the bird demanded I let them take the honeycomb because they needed it to live but it was speaking quite abrasively and seemingly doing a mean impression of me so I got an orange I had in my car and whipped it at the bear. They both dropped dead on the spot.”

Kennedy continued the strange tale, explaining how he didn’t originally intend on dumping the bodies.

“I was going to skin them and eat them. The bear would have made a great rug for the lake house. So I put them in my car but the day got away from me and I had to do something with them, I couldn’t just leave them in the car rotting. One of my friends who was with me told me they were gaming icons so we thought it would be a funny prank to dump the bodies at a video game company that would get blamed for their deaths.”

Microsoft has been getting blamed for the deaths for over a decade and now that the mystery is solved, Phil Spencer, the CEO of the company’s gaming division released an official statement to commemorate the truth being revealed.

“We here at Microsoft are glad that the truth over the deaths of these beloved gaming figures has finally come out. For over a decade we have been erroneously blamed and no matter what we said, no one believed us. We love these characters and that’s why we tried to keep their legacy alive by parading their corpses around like Weekend at Bernie’s in Nuts & Bolts. Now that the truth is out we hope that gamers have the closure they need and we can all move forward with the knowledge that Banjo and Kazooie will always be in our hearts and available to play on Xbox Game Pass.”

At press time, gamers have begun harassing RFK Jr. online with constant replies of “Where Banjo”.

What House of the Dragon Doesn’t Tell You About Sleeping with Your Targaryen Cousin

BY NICK COFFMAN 

As the war for the throne between the Greens and the Blacks rages on, I believe it is important to remind my Targaryen kin of some very important information before bearing the fruit of the family tree. You may have forgotten some of this between all the blood, fire, and chaos in our recent history, but as a Targaryen, this information is important to our family ways. It’s like our other family motto says, “Family in the Streets, Family in the Sheets.”

They’re Also Your Aunt/Uncle, Sister/Brother

When you take a stab at your family tree, you’re stabbing at multiple limbs that conjoin in a way no tree should. The only thing more numerous than Daenerys Targaryen’s many titles, are the kinship titles of your bedfellows.

You’re Going to Call Out the Wrong Name in Bed

Rhagar, Rhaenys, Rhaenrya, Rhae, Rhaena, Rhaella, Rhaelle, Aegon, Aegon, Aegon. In the heat of the moment, you’re going to call your Targaryen cousin by the wrong name, but that’s totally okay, cause they all sound close enough that they probably didn’t realize you said the wrong name. 

The Dragons Like to Watch

It’s not well recorded by the maesters, but most dragons have a cuckold fantasy that they try to fulfill with their riders. Don’t be alarmed if during passionate cousin time you look out the window of the Red Keep and see a giant yellow eye peering in. That’s just Vhagar getting his rocks off.

Milk of the Poppy Does Not Help with Erections Lasting Longer Than Four Hours

The maesters swear by it, but milk of the poppy is not the fix-all they would have you believe it is. If you’re suffering from a long-term erection you’ve been cursed by a witch in your vicinity. You need to locate all suspected witches in your area and hang them through the streets of Flea Bottom, to send a message to anyone thinking of casting an erection curse on you.

Sex with Targaryen Bastards is Amoral

I know I’m getting a little taboo here, but sex with a Targ bastard is the grossest thing ever. We all go through a hot bastard cousin phase, but it will wear off. Stick to the family.